Tom's Love Quest

My childhood foot fetish gave way to an   adult foot fetish.  In fact, to this day, it’s never gone away.  I’m thankful for that becuase foot play has given me some of the most pleasing sexual experiences I’ve ever had.  In dulthood, I got to indulge much more in foot worship than I ever did as a child.  So in one regard, the adult foot fetish has been way more gratifying.  But a fair measure of disappointing disillusion has accompanied it as well.  Details below. 

I’ve believed that how enticing a lady appears from afar always drives how pleasing she’ll be once she’s up close.  If she looks good from afar, then she’ll certainly look great up close.  Sometimes, this rule has held to be true; particularly in childhood.  But most times, women to me look much sexier from far away than when I’m laying with them in bed, kissing their feet.  Indeed it’s usually been the case that   actually performing foot worship usually comes up way short of   the fantasy   of doing it.  It’s much more sexually pleasing to imagine massaging a pretty pair of feet while masturbating, than to rub a live set of them while attempting to get off. 

This phenomenon has repeatedly left me disappointed and dejected.  I mean, it’s hard enough to even get a date with a pretty lady much less to maneuver her into bed.  But when I’m lucky enough to have accomplished that, I usually find that she, in reality, is not nearly as enjoyable as fantasized.  This has always happened in adulthood, and of late, I feel that I’ve wasted much time chasing phantom lovers; women who seem like they’d be intensely gratifying sexually but turn out never to be. 

So I’m wondering if I’ve just been picking the wrong women to make love to from the knees down, or if there’s just something wrong with the foot fetish mechanism in general.  Perhaps for me, the joys of close proximity to female feet cannot survive the light of reality, and can therefore only be appreciated in dreams.  I hope and suspect that this is not true because during early childhood, there were highly stimulating foot occasions, for real, so intense that they inspired me to spend much of my adult life seeking out similar experiences with women.

However, some aspects of the reality of foot worship are none too pleasing to me.  I’m into cleanness.  So, I’m turned off by all but the weakest of foot odors.  Perhaps I’m not a true fetishist because many I’ve known revel in the smell of a hot and sweaty pair of feet.  Not me.  For me, the smell gets in the way.  Even as a toddler stealing foot touches from school teachers and babysitters, I’ve never found the scent of just-released feet from the confinement within shoes and socks appealing.  If they smell, then they’re dirty, and I never wanted them.  Rough feet, feet that are too big or too small, toes that are too blunt or extend too far, also shut me down immediately. 

Further, the relationship I have with the lady has lots to do with how enticing her feet might be.  If she has some sort of power over me (she’s taller, smarter, has more money, is more demanding, or physically stronger), this can increase the allure of her feet, even if the feet themselves do not appear particularly pretty.  I’ve found that beauty and enticement do not always go hand-in-hand when it comes to feet and my foot fetish. 

Given the seemingly endless array of variables that affect how enjoyable worshipping a particular person’s feet might be, I’ve all but given up being able to accurately predict just who will really excite me.  It’s hit or miss, and sometimes hits become misses after a time, and, though quite rare, a miss can become a hit too.  I’ll explore that elsewhere.  Take care.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts 

• Boyhood Foot Fetish
• Childhood Foot Fetish
• Foot Party Wrapup: 2009-07-03
• Foot Party Wrap-Up
• Foot Party This Weekend

I seem to   lose weight   when I   fall in love,   and gain it when I fall out. So if you’re gaining weight, then perhaps you’re not really in love, and if you’re losing it, then hide it all you like. But I’d bet that you’re in love. Falling in love is great for the waistline, for more than just the obvious reasons.  Being in love is the most effective   weight loss   diet around.  Any craving for food I had before, is replaced by longing for the beloved. 

One person said that falling in love inspires her to spend too much time with the beloved to worry much about food.  Yes, that’s true.  Also, for me, I’d rather sit around and fantasize about my beloved than eat once I’ve fallen in love. 

Further, to maximize chances of her falling in love with me, I intensely want lose weight, to be as fit, trim, and as free of love handles as I can, as quickly as I can. Winning the heart of the beloved is perhaps the most motivating weight-loss motivator I know. When I fall in love, I feel much more than the usual dose of guilt when I eat too many M & M’s.  I’d hate to be rejected for being too fat. The fear of her rejecting me grows more intense, increasing my desire to lose weight. 

Yep, falling in love activates an “instinct” to lose weight in order look as attractive as possible. Plus, being in love, especially when things are going well, drives the blues away. Depression is a big reason why people eat excessively anyway, and love is an excellent antidepressant, or so it has been for me. So that makes love also perhaps the best diet pill in the world.  It supresses food cravings by reducing depression. It’s easier to lose weight when happy and not depressed, than when sad.

I only ever experience love weight gain when forced to fall out of love, such as when the beloved breaks up with me. The way out of love can devistate the waistline, as it makes one feel very much more sad and depressed than he does in his typical day. It’s healthy therefore, to fall in love and stay there, to lose weight and keep it off. 

Love-motivated weight loss is healthy too, I think, because I feel very good doing it. Knowing that I’m doing something that will help the beloved more easily see me as her beloved, stokes a feeling of victory in my heart, and victory always feels great. 

Also, I sleep better when I’ve fallen in love, am more likely to exercise (to impress my babe), more apt to run around looking for that “perfect gift” for her, and, I clean my house more when someone optimal comes into my life. So my level of domestic exercise increases, which also encourages me to lose weight after falling in love.

Finally, with most weight loss diets, some foods have to be given up against our wishes, and that can be a struggle to sacrifice those milk shakes; particularly if they’re being used as a  comfort food.  Falling in love makes losing weight easy for me, because that feeling of love replaces most of the comfort I get from food.  Falling in love thus, fills me up in a day just as much as a couple of foot-long Subway subs, yet has zero calories.  Being in love therefore, works beter than any comfort food, and you lose weight with it besides.  Take a person who’s heavy, and you can conclude with a high probability of accuracy, that he has not fallen in love for a very long time. The extreme weight-loss benefits of love have not graced them. 

Tom Hesley

Lately, a near-insatiable desire to understand my own   childhood foot fetish   has occupied my thoughts.  The fixation has profoundly shaped the paths my love quest has taken.  Indeed I’ve often chosen women to date (or not) due to my estimate of how much fun worshipping their feet would be, once they came into my bed.  If a lady’s feet were beautiful and enticing, of if I just imagined them to be that way, then I’d surely try and ask her out.  But if not, then usually, I would not. 

In my childhood foot fetish, just about all adult women had lots of power over me (as in teachers, house mothers, babysitters, principals, guidance counselors, older student girls, and so on.  So finding stimulating feet to admire back then was a far cry easier than it is today, now that I’m a middle-aged man.  As a boy, nearly every adult woman had sexy feet in my view.  But as a man, I’m far less likely to encounter women that have the same sort of profound upper-hand over me, and so far fewer of them excite me to begin with. Thus in this way, satisfying my foot fetish as an adult has proven to be way more difficult than as a young child. 

But even when I’ve found a queenly lady that I think would be fun to worship, the pleasure of the experience either never appears (not even at the first foot worshipping with a new woman), or it rarely survives three or four encounters with her.  In these situations, her feet either quickly become or always appear plain and sexually insignificant once I get her shoes off.  This is gravely disheartening because a main objective of my love quest in adulthood, has been to duplicate and (I dare say) improve upon the foot fetish encounters I enjoyed as a curious child.  Yet so far, I’ve not managed this. 

As a child, I found many more women’s feet sexually intriguing than as an adult.  I never considered how she grew up, her morals, whether or not I could trust her, how educated she was, whether or not she used drugs, and so on.  However I’m much pickier these days about whom I allow to enter my life in this intimate way.  She must be reasonably smart, thin, reasonably healthy, and so on.  I just hope that I’ve not become so discriminating that I’ve made it impossible for myself to enjoy anyone at all. 

As a youngster, I was ashamed of my childhood foot fetish.  Even at three or four years old, I knew that hovering close to women’s feet felt inappropriate though extremely errotic.  So I often felt embarrassed when they’d occasionally catch me gawking at their shoes and imagining the thrill I’d surely experience if I was to slowly remove those shoes.  Further, I was absolutely mortified when a couple teachers realized what I was after and scolded me.  I so looked forward to the highly charged sexual experiences that adulthood would surely bring. where such attractions would be appropriate to explore.  As a kid, dreaming about the future, I thought that being a man would make this behavior inherently more acceptable.  But as it turned out, it didn’t so much.  Indeed at tines, I still feel embarrassed and afraid that the lady will think of me as the reject who likes to kiss feet.  But I now fear this judgment less so I must admit, since I have endured getting thousands of rejections. 

The trauma of getting rejected has no doubt attached some heavy baggage to my emotions, and perhaps this baggage is what makes feet so much less appealing than they were forty years ago.  Maybe I find them less lastingly stimulating today because I’m afraid to.  I’m afraid of rejection.  But I didn’t have this fear as a child because I had no history of being rejected, and little reason to show restraint.  Sometimes, the women back then even allowed me to see their feet because they thought my foot fetish was cute or amusing. 

But adult men who behave this way are not generally as cute or amusing as the kids with an interest in feet, unless of course one can find adult women who enjoy their feet being pampered.  In fact, getting rejected generally stings much more and thus has more lasting effects than as a child.  Back then, I cared less about preserving my good name and reputation than today.  Generally speaking, the childhood me felt that I had much less to lose by expressing my foot fetish than I do as an adult. 

In some ways, it was easier to gratify my childhood foot fetish than my adulthood foot fetish.  There was less to lose as a kid, more exciting women around, perhaps less fear to reach out and indulge, and less humiliation should I have pick the wrong woman to worship.  Yet as an adult, there’s more freedom to explore ladies who might very much enjoy having their feet worshipped, and more resources (money) available to get around to meeting them to do just that.  There are fewer curfews to follow, and as adults, we presumably are in better touch with what our inner children desire.  Plus, the experience and wisdom we acquire while moving through our adult lives are powerful tools in the love quest to move us closer to people who like what we want to give, and who can happily give what we ourselves like to receive. 

In light of all this, I’m not sure what’s more fun to be; a child of adult fetishist. Both roles have their pros and cons as discussed above.  But I just wish I could find a way (or a right woman) to enjoy feet in the lasting sort of intense way today, as I did as a young boy.  Yes, that question still burns in my mind.  Thus, the love quest continues.   

See my   Boyhood Foot Fetish  for more exploration of the childhood foot fetish as I’ve experienced it. 

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Boyhood Foot Fetish
• More Foot Traffic At My House
• Romanceless Camp
• Young Adult Foot Fetish Woes

One complicating factor I’ve found while working my love quest is my interest in pretty women’s feet.  Yes, I have an adult foot fetish, and knowing that many women vilify  guys with foot fetishes as disdainful sub human in extreme cases, helped intensify my shyness over asking ladies out as a young man.  The foot fetish or more precisely, how I though people would react to it,  made me afraid to ask anything of anyone pretty enough to arouse me sexually as a boy.  Frankly though even as a boy, I never understood why so many are so grossed out at the thought of massaging someone’s feet.  I mean, once you assure that the feet are clean, what is the difference between kissing a foot, or a hand, or a breast, or a pair of lips, or any of the genitals?  In fact, there is no difference beyond the irrational prejudices that so many hold, yet cannot explain.  Unfortunately, that impenetrable rationale never helped me much to be less afraid of rejection. 

So I’d further extend the argument:  Consider that just as a gay person does not choose his sexual orientation, I did not pick my objects of sexual desire either, which primarily are the pretty legs and feet of beautiful women.  We do not choose these preferences but instead,   discover   them.  Indeed I learned of mine, not through decision, but rather through experimentation.  I found out what they already were.  I did not decide what they were.  In fact, what constitutes a ‘beautiful woman’ seemed to be programmed into me long before I understood its adult sexual ramifications.  I was born with an appreciation of certain forms of beauty.  I’ve always been drawn to tall, thin ladies with smaller feet and hands, and at least while a kid, to women in authority, like school teachers, house mothers, and teachers’ aids.  But unfortunately, their authoritarian air also made me more afraid of rejection from them. 

This foot fetish has accompanied me since the start of my love quest in the beginning 1970s, and way before that even.  Indeed, the earliest recallable memories of when I was two or three years old, reveal a strong desire to sit close to pretty girls’ sexy legs, feel their radiating warmth, and smell the accompanying feminine scents of soap, shampoo, perfume, and skin softener.  I always looked forward to Mom and Dad going out for the evening, so I’d get to listen to records with the two teen-aged babysitters who lived up the street when we lived in Altoona, and sit beside them on the floor while they sat on the couch.  They never knew (I don’t think) that I thought them sexy; especially at only three or four years of age. 

But in many ways, I was more easily aroused sexually as a toddler, than I’ve ever managed to be as an accomplished adult.  I so wanted to remove their shoes and massage their arches and toes.  But even at that young age, I knew that I didn’t dare try or even ask to, because there would be hell to pay if I did.   These earliest chapters in my foot fetish story could be summed up by saying that I spent a great deal of my time longing for and admiring pretty women’s feet.  Yet I was highly afraid to display this interest.  The foot fetish made me quite shy.   It suurpirsed me while journaling about this that even  as early as three years old, I was already afraid of sexual rejection. 

My reaction upon seeing pretty feet was (and is still today) automatic and near instantaneous.  I never chose to experience it or not, though at times, I’ve made willful yet unsuccessful efforts to repress it.  This response seems as immediate and thoughtless as when the doctor hits the patellar ligament with that little hammer during a physical exam, and then the knee jerks forward as a result in healthy people.  My   foot fetish   is just as reflexive and, I believe, just as healthy though I must say that I still find admitting to it to some women quite difficult, and nearly impossible to own up to when I was a boy.  I was more shy back then than today.  But shyness still hampers me somewhat in my love quest; particularly in the realms of full sexual expression.  Having a preference that people by in large consider odd or strange seemed to add much to the degrees of bashfulness and lacking sexual self confidence I experienced while growing up.

Yet in spite of all the shame and resulting shyness I’ve felt for having this foot fetish, along with the intense need to conceal it, I never wanted to eliminate it, and don’t believe that I could even if I wished to.  I never saw it as a defect in my psyche but rather,  as the means to achieve lasting sexual satisfaction, assuming I can find the right women to play with. 

Indeed, the foot worship sessions I’ve experienced have been so pleasing as to make most any amount of indignity toward me and my “odd” desires worth enduring.  So, it would be next to impossible to renounce that pleasure and swear to never indulge it again.  It’d be like asking a gay man to change his sexual orientation.  Not possible today.  Besides, as mentioned above, the nearly instant arrousal I experience when I glance a pretty pair of feet is so involuntary that I believe that no amount of therapy, hypnosis, or de-conditioning would rid me of it, and I’d not want to spend the money on such therapy even if I could afford it. 

Thus I’ve accepted the foot fetish as a facet of me that is equally valid as my arms or my heart.  It’s a defining part of me, and I’ve never been one to want to muck with what nature has given to me.  Even as a boy, I fully accepted it.  Indeed, the better strategy has proven for me to be to find women who like their feet worshipped, rather than to drive the attraction to pretty feet out of my mind.  Should they say that I don’t measure up to their expectations because of my foot fetish, then that’s a strong clue that they don’t measure up to mine and that I should just move on. 

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• 2009-05-02 Foot Party Wrapup
• Boyhood Foot Fetish
• Foot Party This Weekend
• Foot Party Wrapup
• Foot Worshiping Party
• More Foot Traffic At My House

I thought I’d throw together this list of my favorite positive love songs.  Indeed, music has played a pleasant, teaching role in my love quest; everything from sweetening the memories of times with special women, to keeping me sane just after a breakup, to shaping my very preferences for women and romantic circumstances.  It’s helped make the sad parts of the quest bearable, and the happy parts more fun.  I’m certain that from these songs and many others that I’ll add later, my every hope, expectation, desire, and dream was either learned from or refined based on the ideas contained in these lyrics.  Each one conjures up specific memories of the women I was with at the time the song was popular.  Or, they trigger thoughts of fun times such as going to an amusement park together or taking a long drive with the song playing on the radio.  May these have equally special meanings for my readers as well.  Do enjoy.

10CC – People In Love
10CC – The Things We Do For Love
112 – What If [CW]
3 Doors Down – Here By Me
38 Special – Fantasy Girl
38 Special – Hold On Loosely
5th Dimension – Everything’s Been Changed
5th Dimension – Workin’ On A Groovy Thing
8th Day – I Can’t Fool Myself
98 Degrees – Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)

A-Teens – Can’t Help Falling In Love [LP]
ABBA – Honey Honey
ABBA – SOS
ABBA – Super Trouper
Aaron Neville – Please Come Home For Christmas
Aaron Neville – Tell It Like It Is [Alt. Version 1]
Ace Of Base – The Sign [Single]
Adam Gregory – What It Takes [LP]
Addrisi Brothers – Never My Love
Aerosmith – Angel
Aerosmith – Crazy
After 7 – Gonna Love You Right [Acappella Remix]
Air Supply – Chances
Air Supply – Even The Nights Are Better
Air Supply – Every Woman In The World [Radio Version]
Air Supply – I’d Die For You
Air Supply – Just As I Am
Air Supply – Lost In Love
Air Supply – Making Love Out Of Nothing At All [Long]
Air Supply – Sweet Dreams [LP]
Air Supply – The One That You Love
Air Supply – Two Less Lonely People In The World
Akon (Feat. Colby O’Donis & Kardinal Offishall) – Beautiful [CW]
Al B. Sure – Nite & Day [Longer]
Al B. Sure – No Matter What You Do (Featuring Diana Ross)
Al B. Sure – The Secret Garden (Sweet Seduction Suite) – Quincy Jones
Al Green & Anne Lennox – Put A Little Love In Your Heart
Al Green – Call Me (Come Back Home)
Al Green – I’m Still In Love With You
Al Jarreau – Ain’t No Sunshine
Al Jarreau – Lean On Me
Al Jarreau – We’re In This Love Together
Al Martino – Always Together
Al Martino – Can’t Help Falling In Love
Al Martino – I Love You Because
Al Martino – I Love You More And More Everyday
Al Martino – Look Around (You’ll Find Me There)
Al Martino – Speak Softly Love
Al Wilson – Show & Tell
Alabama – Feels So Right
Alabama – I Wanna Be With You Tonight
Alabama – Lady Down On Love
Alabama – Love In The First Degree
Alabama – The Closer You Get
Alan Jackson – I’d Love You All Over Again
Alan Jackson – I’ll Go On Loving You
Alan Jackson – I’ll Try
Alan Jackson – It’s Just That Way
Alan Jackson – Sissy’s Song
Alexander O’Neal – Crying Overtime
Alice Cooper – You & Me
Alison Krauss – I Will
All-4-One – I’m Your Man
Allure (Feat. 112) – All Cried Out [LP]
Allure – Last Chance
Amanda Perez – Candy Kisses
Ambrosia – I Just Can’t Let Go
Amelia Curran – Scattered & Small [LP]
America – You Can Do Magic
American Breed – Bend Me, Shape Me
Amy Grant – Lucky One
Andy Gibb – (Love Is) Thicker Than Water [LP]
Andy Gibb – (Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away
Andy Gibb – I Just Want To Be Your Everything
Andy Kim – Baby, I Love You
Andy Kim – Rock Me Gently
Andy Williams – (Where Do I Begin) Love Story
Andy Williams – Dear Heart
Angela Bofill – I’m On Your Side
Angels – Glory Of Love
Angels – Til
Angie Stone (Feat. Betty Wright) – Baby [LP]
Anita Baker – Body & Soul
Anita Baker – Just Because
Anita Baker – Sweet Love
Ann Wilson – Surrender To Me
Anne Murray – A Love Song
Anne Murray – Could I Have This Dance
Anne Murray – Danny’s Song
Anne Murray – I Just Fall In Love Again
Anne Murray – I’d Fall In Love Tonight
Anne Murray – Now & Forever (You And Me)
Anne Murray – You Needed Me
April Wine – Just Between You & Me
Archies – Sunshine
Aretha Franklin – I’m In Love
Aretha Franklin – Share Your Love With Me
Aretha Franklin – You’re All I Need To Get By
Art Garfunkel  – All I Know
Ashford & Simpson – Solid [LP]
Association – Cherish
Atlanta Rhythm Section – So Into You [LP]
Atlantic Starr – Always [Edit]
Aubrey – Angel [ANR Radio Edit]
Austin Roberts – Somethings Wrong With Me

B.J. Thomas – Hooked On A Feeling
B.W. Stevenson – My Maria
Babyface – I Love You Babe
Babyface – Never Keeping Secrets
Babyface – Reason For Breathing
Babyface – When Can I See You
Backstreet Boys – As Long As You Love Me
Backstreet Boys – More Than That
Bad English – When I See You Smile
Bangles – Eternal Flame
Barbara Fairchild – Baby Doll
Barbara Lewis – Baby, I’m Yours
Barbara Mandrell – ‘Till You’re Gone
Barbara Mason – Yes I’m Ready [Long]
Barbra Streisand – Evergreen
Barbra Streisand – I’ve Dreamed Of You
Barbra Streisand – Promises
Barbra Streisand – Somewhere (From West Side Story)
Barbra Streisand – The Way He Makes Me Feel
Barbra Streisand – The Way We Were
Barry Manilow – Let’s Hang On
Barry Manilow – Somewhere In The Night
Barry White – I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby
Barry White – I’ve Got So Much To Give
Barry White – It’s Ecstasy When You Lay Down Next To Me
Barry White – Never, Never Gonna Give You Up
Bay City Rollers – You Made Me Believe In Magic
Beach Boys – Come Go With Me
Beatles – And I Love Her
Beatles – I Want To Hold Your Hand
Beatles – Michelle
Beatles – Something [Hit Version]
Bee Gees – (Our Love) Don’t Throw It All Away
Bee Gees – How Deep Is Your Love
Bee Gees – Islands In The Stream
Bells – Stay Awhile
Billy Joel – Just The Way You Are
Billy Joel – She’s Got A Way [Live]
Billy Joel – The Longest Time
Billy Joel – Uptown Girl
Billy Ocean – Caribbean Queen [Single]
Billy Ocean – Colour Of Love
Billy Ocean – If I Should Lose You
Billy Ocean – Love Is Forever [LP]
Billy Ocean – Love Zone [LP]
Billy Ocean – Loverboy [LP]
Billy Ocean – Mystery Lady
Billy Ocean – Suddenly
Billy Ocean – There’ll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry) [LP]
Billy Preston & Syreeta – With You I’m Born Again
Billy Vera & The Beaters – At This Moment [Live]
Blondie – The Tide Is High [Longer]
Blood, Sweat, & Tears – You’ve Made Me So Very Happy
Bloodstone – Natural High
Blue Oyster Cult – Burnin’ For You
Bo Bice – You Take Yourself With You
Bob Dylan – If Not For You
Bob Dylan – Lay Lady Lay
Bob Seger – We’ve Got Tonight
Bob Welch – Sentimental Lady
Bobby Caldwell – What You Won’t Do For Love
Bobby Helms – My Special Angel
Bobby Sherman – Julie, Do Ya Love Me
Bobby Vinton – I Love How You Love Me
Bobby Vinton – To Know You Is To Love You
Bon Jovi – All About Loving You
Bonnie Raitt – You
Boris Gardiner – I Want To Wake Up With You
Boyz II Men – I’ll Make Love To You
Bread – Baby I’m A Want You
Bread – Everything I Own
Bread – If
Bread – Let Your Love Go
Bread – Lost Without Your Love
Bread – Make It With You
Bread – Sweet Surrender
Brenda & The Tabulations – Right On The Tip Of My Tongue
Brenda K. Starr – I Still Believe
Brian McKnight – The Only One For Me
Brothers Johnson – I’ll Be Good To You [LP]
Bruno Mars – Just The Way You Are
Buddy Holly – I’m Gonna Love You Too

Carl Carlton – Everlasting Love
Carla Thomas – I’ve Fallen In Love (With You)
Carla Williams – Every Word You’re Thinking
Carly Simon – Nobody Does It Better
Carly Simon – The Right Thing To Do
Carpenters – (They Long To Be) Close To You
Carpenters – For All We Know
Carpenters – I Just Fall In Love Again
Carpenters – I Won’t Last A Day Without You
Carpenters – Merry Christmas Darling
Carpenters – Touch Me When We’re Dancing
Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun
Carter’s Chord – Young Love [CW]
Cathy Dennis – All Night Long (Touch Me) [LP]
Celine Dion – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Celine Dion – The Power Of Love
Chairmen Of The Board – Give Me Just A Little More Time
Chaka Khan & Rufus – Ain’t Nobody (Loves Me Better) [LP]
Chantels – I Love You So
Charley Pride – Love Put A Song In My Heart
Charley Pride – Singin’ A Song About Love
Charlie Rich – Behind Closed Doors
Cheap Trick – Don’t Be Cruel
Chee-Chee & Peppy – I Know I’m In Love
Cher & Peter Cetera – After All
Cher – The Way Of Love
Chicago – Baby What A Big Surprise
Chicago – Just You ‘N’ Me
Chicago – No Tell Lover
Chicago – You’re Not Alone
Chimes – I’m In The Mood For Love
Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red
Chris Tomlin – I Will Follow
Christine McVie – Got A Hold On Me
Christopher Cross – Say You’ll Be Mine [LP]
Christopher Williams – (Lift You Up) Turn Your Hurt Around [LP]
Clarence Carter – I Can’t Leave Your Love Alone
Climax Blues Band – I Love You
Climie Fisher – Love Changes (Everything)
Commodores – Lady (You Bring Me Up)
Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose – Too Late To Turn Back Now
Crests – 16 Candles
Cymarron – Rings
Cyndi Lauper – All Through The Night
Cyndi Lauper – I Drove All Night
Cyndi Lauper – True Colors

Dan Fogelberg – Longer
Dan Fogelberg – Same Old Lang Syne
Dan Hartman – I Can Dream About You
David Cassidy – Cherish
David Seville – Witch Doctor
David Soul – Don’t Give Up On Us
Dawn (Feat. Tony Orlando) – Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose
Dawn – Candida
Dawn – Knock Three Times
DeFranco Family – Save The Last Dance For Me
Dean Friedman – Ariel [Short]
Debbie Gibson – Lost In Your Eyes [LP]
Debbie Gibson – Shake Your Love [LP]
Debby Boone – Baby, I’m Yours
Debby Boone – You Light Up My Life
Delfonics – Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)
Dell Vikings – Come Go With Me
Deniece Williams – Let’s Hear It For The Boy
Diana Ross & The Supremes – Someday We’ll Be Together
Diana Ross – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
Dionne Warwick – I Say A Little Prayer
Dirt Band – Make A Little Magic
Dixie Cups – Chapel Of Love
Dobie Gray – Drift Away
Don Williams – I Believe In You
Donna Fargo – Funny Face
Donna Fargo – The Happiest Girl In The Whole U.S.A.
Donna Summer – This Time I Know It’s For Real
Donny & Marie Osmond – Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing
Donny Osmond – The Twelfth Of Never
Donny Osmond – Young Love
Doors – Touch Me
Dr. Hook – A Little Bit More [Alt. Version 1]
Dr. Hook – Sexy Eyes
Dr. Hook – Sharing The Night Together
Dr. Hook – Years From Now
Dusty Springfield – I Only Want To Be With You

Tom Hesley

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 I believe that vulnerability is a necessary ingredient of true love, because you can’t fully enjoy another unless or until you lower those protective emotional barriers. You can’t love unless you trust. But when you trust, you open yourself up to potential pains should your lover abuse that trust. True, we give up fear when we trust. But in so doing, we also risk painful experiences should our lover betray, neglect, or otherwise alienate us. Indeed, the people we love the most, we trust the most (emotionally anyhow), so they can hurt us the most as well.

In my experience, being in love has hurt the most of any life experience. But it’s also given me the most pleasure. So I have no gripes against love, and would never avoid it just because of the pain I’ve felt from it. Each time through, I learn a little more about how to pick a better lover. So, each time through, it gets less painful. Practice makes perfect.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Tom’s Diary –> Today’s Business: 2010-10-06

Though I’m neither Don Juan nor James Bond, I have enjoyed some successful and fulfilling relationships.  In fact, I’ve shared my bed with sixteen intriguing women through the years, and while I acknowledge that far more women have rejected me, I nonetheless seem to know something about picking up women; given the successes I’ve enjoyed. My approach is easy, and I’ll share it now.  Use this information to help you find a girlfriend, a wife, or friends-with-benefits lover.  Whatever your objective, you won’t go wrong being sincere. 

Generally speaking, I focus more on being the right way to interest a woman, as opposed to doing the right things to seduce her.  In fact, my most enjoyable love connections required very little effort to be different than I actually was.  I’ve come to understand that pretending to be stronger, wiser, richer, taller, older, younger, or in general, better than I actually am only works in the short term.  Soon, reality surfaces, and as I’ve found, if she doesn’t like the real you, you’ll lose her regardless of how well you deceived her prior.  

I don’t believe in exaggerating our accomplishments or hiding our shortcomings.  My conscience won’t allow it.  In short: Leave that best foot at home, and let people meet the real you, right from the start.  While you may not interest as many women initially, the ones that do come to you will probably stay interested longer, and the connections you form with them will be more rewarding.

This basic philosophy is    the    cornerstone of my entire “technique” for impressing ladies.  

Be Assertive But Reserved

One lesson I learned early on how to attract women is: Don’t try too hard.  I’ve found that scheming, gaming, and other covert sorts of persuasion don’t work usually.  There’s only so much you can do, and attempting to do more than that might make you appear pathetic and excessively needy, as illustrated in this story about   trying too much. 

Remember, it’s not about quantity; but quality. Attracting one right woman is worth way more than drawing fifty of the wrong ones. 

Pursuing more than one lady at a time can land you in hot water; particularly if they learn about each other. You may be drawn to one very special lady.  But if she discovers that you’re courting several, she may cut you off, for good.  Then, for the pursuit of quantity, you’ll have missed out on the opportunity for quality. 

However, for those women that you most desire, make sure they know of your interest quickly.  If you’re too slow about letting them know you like them, someone else may come along and sweep them away from you forever. 

Be Kind But Careful

Be kind; but not so kind that you seem too good to be true.  Exaggerated kindness can in fact work against you. 

Indeed, kindness only goes so far to persuade a woman to fall in love with you. While it may convince her that it’s safe to fall and that by all rights she should   fall, the truth is that unless she’s already attracted enough to you    to   fall, all the kindness in the world won’t   make   her fall.  In these cases, the energy you spend on being overly kind will not secure her heart; even after years of pursuing.  This waste of your good energy is often humiliating and frustrating.  Rejection particularly hurts when you’ve spent much of yourself to win her, only to have her tell you in the end that you’ve lost her.  In this way, expending too much effort at kindness without first assuring that it’s going to be well received, is foolhardy.  Make sure that she  can   love you before campaigning too hard to convince her to love you.  

But if you’re too unkind or mean, you’ll put off any self-respecting lady worth loving.

Get control of your anger.  If a lady makes you angry very often, your best bet is to find someone else more compatible with your temperaments. 

Be Honest But Tactful

If you’re dishonest, you’ll mislead her.  You may fool her now but will probably be sorry for it tomorrow. 

Getting a lady’s attention with pretense is risky business.  Not only do you risk her being disappointed with the real you once that comes out, but also, she’ll likely find your deceptions highly offensive.  This can cause irreparable damage to your relationship in that she’ll have problems trusting you going forward.  Indeed, in my opinion, little good ever comes from lying in a relationship.    

More on honesty later.

Be Urgent But Patient

If you’re impatient, you’ll scare her. But if you’re too laid back, she’ll think you’re not interested. So if you want to find a girlfriend, you must be able to walk this very fine line and stay balanced. 

Be Available But Busy

If you’re unavailable, you’ll risk losing her to someone who is easier for her to access. Dating more than one at a time can make you less available than you need to be to any one of them.  

Hobbies keep you from feeling too lonely when she’s not around.  Plus, they give you things to bring to your relationship and make you a more interesting person.  Now don’t fake a hobby.  If you’re not interested in tuning pianos, then avoid doing that just to win her heart.  The most interesting people are people who do the things most interesting to them. 

Be Slow But Move Things Along

Learn to slow it down.    Asking for too much, too soon can not only make you appear desperate, but can also suggest that you’re too single-minded and that all you want from her is the very thing you’re campaigning for.  The sorts of ladies I’d pursue, would not appreciate premature expressions of sexual interest. 

Be Gentle But Forceful

In these times of heightened violent crimes committed against women by men, ladies are understandably concerned for their safety when they meet any new fellow; no matter how attractive they may find him. 

Be Courteous But Natural

Always respect her.  However this does not mean to forever yield.  in fact, it’s normal to disagree sometimes.  So by all means, disagree, when there’s readon.  But argue respectfully.  Calmly stick to the issue.  Avoid personal attacks on her character, history, family, and so on.  Yet avoid shying away from contention now and then.  This demonstrates that you “have a back bone” and can in fact stand up for yourself when needed.  It also shows her that she cannot push you around.  So, she’ll be less likely to take you for granted.  Gently remind her occasionally that you bring some power to the relationship too. 

Be Confident But Humble

Being confident is not so much about all that you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the money you’ve made, and the people you know.  It is however, about you being comfortable with who you are, no matter what you’ve done or failed to do with your life. 

A degree of confidence comes from realizing that so much of that “chemistry” that most of us seek in our relationships these days, is actually beyond our control. 

If you try to control something that’s not controllable, you’ll fail, and this can undermine your confidence and make you afraid to try it again. 

Be Quiet But Expressive

Keep the details about what you like and dislike in women to yourself.  If a lady gets the idea that you’re too particular, or suspects that she won’t measure up, this can complicate your efforts to take her home.  You’ll heighten her insecurity if you supply a laundry list of your requirements.  Being honest is not the same thing as complete openness. 

If you think about it, there’s really no need to get specific.  As long as you know that she either meets or fails to meet your standards, that’s what’s really important.  She need not know why you like or do not like her. 

Be Yourself — No Buts On This One

It’s supremely important to be yourself in any dating relationship.  For details, see my    Tom’s Views –> To Best Attract Women, Be Yourself!  piece.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Advantages Of Sincerity
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• When To Say “I Want You”

I heard from [Kar] yesterday.  She left me voicemail, curious about how Mom is doing since the heart failure diagnosis last week.  That was sweet of her to remember my family in these trying times.

Now I do not normally let a call go unanswered.  In fact, on the seldom occasions that I do, I agonize over the choice for days or even weeks.  But then very often, I end up calling the person back anyway.

The history that [Kar] and I share is painful; the central theme being her failure to grant me the affection I wanted as often as I wished.  That’s the bitter part of her recent attention. It’s great when I have it but intensely painful when I do not, and with [Kar], I usually do not.

Her concern over Mom is nice; making it so easy to forget all the other times that she was simply not there for me.  But when she does show some regard, it’s tempting to assume that she’s changed for the better and that if I do call her back, she’ll be more reliably affectionate.  But I’ve been down that road before, and things usually do not work out that well.  Actually, [Kar] is typically pleasant long enough to suck me back in.  Then, she withdraws once more; leaving me hurt and disappointed again.

While I do not believe that she intends to slight me like this on purpose, I’ve come to know that her fondness of me is sporadic; whether her fault or not.  On rare occasions, she welcomes physical involvement.  But most of the time she shuns it as she did in May of 2009, when I last visited her in Philadelphia. Sometimes, I grow tired of getting rejected by [Kar] so often, and if not for how much laying with her excites me, I’d have ditched her long ago.

I see disregarding her call as an opportunity to avoid further needless rejections because if she did it before, she’ll likely do it again.  I got rejected by her a lot and have found that clearly, one way to cope with rejection from   [Kar]   and in the love quest as a whole, is to reduce my exposure to pointless refusals as discussed earlier  here.  Plus, knowing [Kar] as well as I do, I sense that she’ll make me wait; hinting all the while that she’d enjoy a foot massage when finally we get together.   But then, when that visit finally occurs, she’ll delay and deny me.

Now I like to assume that she does intentionally play hard to get.  But when she does, it sure feels like she’s playing with me; the way a cat toys with a mouse.  It allows the mouse to think that it’s getting away for a little while before pouncing on it and restraining it once again.  [Kar] does me like this by letting me think that she’ll grant me special favors when I visit; but then changes her mind.

I remember often the good times [Kar] and I have had since meeting in 1998.  Even today, images of us together physically, tantalize yet haunt me as well; though we’ve not been with each other like that since 2002.  She was delicious then, and fantasies of what might be often soften my resolve to avoid her. Indeed, they lower my self-esteem in that her appeal makes me willing to put up with treatment from her that is more often bitter than sweet.

But as alluring as she is (in fact because of that), I must decline further involvements with her, to avoid the love rejection she’ll surely dole out if I grow to depend on her emotionally.  Our history makes it impossible to trust her to care for me, should I allow myself to need her again.  While there’s probably no place I’d choose to be over sharing sweet times with [Kar], there’s also no place that would cause me more subsequent pain once I fall out of favor with her.   She’s flighty (like the Greek goddess Aphrodite),  and so, can be quite cruel when she grows tired of a fellow.  So, no, I’ll avoid returning her calls this time.  God, give me the strength to stay this course, please.  I don’t care to face getting rejected yet again.  Thanks.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Avoiding Needless Rejection: 2010-05-19
• Heard from Vee, Again!
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• Tom’s Diary –> Today’s Business: 2009-05-01
• Tom’s Diary –> Today’s Business: 2010-07-10

It occurs after years of dating, that perfect tens only stay that way for an instant. Then they become as human and flawed as the rest of us. Makes one wonder at the long-term advantage of a ten; particularly once the novelty fades. After it does, the tens feel just like fives and sevens; and twos sometimes.

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So I brought up Facebook this morning, all cheery and ready to put in another day in earnest at the love quest.  But then, I got stung in a most egregious fashion, as I noticed that a girl I’d pursued a date with a couple weeks back, now happily claims to be dating another; though she all but ignored me.  Ouch! 

She had previously marked herself as ‘single’ But a few hours ago, she set her relationship status to ‘in a relationship’.  Oooooh! 

I mean, it was bad enough that she only tersely responded to several letters I’d sent her; inviting further conversation.  In those, I sincerely detailed my life here, my career, and attempted to show my genuine interest in her by asking lots of questions about her situation.  Unfortunately, she never offered any curiosity back, and that hurt.  True, she had never asked for any attention from me.  So I had no business expecting anything in return for that which I had offered her.  But still, her coolness zinged and smarted. 

It zinged even worse this morning when I found that she’d obviously connected with someone that she thought was more interesting than me.  I mean: It’s one thing when they say  no  to my face.  But it’s much more demoralizing when they further reject by passing me by, on their way to a “better” beau.  Shucks!

I could barely get a hundred words out of her.  But this other guy got a relationship!   Now, even after forty-nine years, I still do not handle rejection as well as I’d like, and I don’t get over rejecting too well either. 

Now, as is the usual case, I’m left to ponder how to ease the sting of this love rejection.  True.  I could talk to a therapist, and indeed get some relief just because s/he represents a consoling force, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, a seasoned advice giver, and all the other wonderful roles that good counselors play to help their patients. 

But I’ve also found writing about my woes to be intensely cathartic, and in many ways, even more lastingly effective than just airing them to a psychoanalyst.  Writing is my way of turning lemons into lemonade and thereby discovering and sharing how I sweetened the naturally bitter juice.  I got rejected, an experience that generates strong emotions, and that’s the time that I tend to write the most creatively, and am most likely to discover solutions for that pain.  So here I am, writing now. 

So with that said, allow me in the rest of this piece to meander and write anything that seems to relieve the pain of today’s hurdle when I think of it.  Perhaps in this way, not only will I discover my own cure for the blues of getting rejected, but also help my readers with similar experiences to find the same.  A love rejection is indeed the   ultimate rejection   because it hurts more and is more humiliating than any other I know of.  But lessening its pain is entirely possible when you develop the right mind set. 

The First Love Connection

Occurrences like today’s happen so often that I may have forgotten many of the rejections from yesteryear.  But seeing that woman choose another does call to mind similar poignant experiences with [First Love]. 

In school, I dedicated my life to impressing   [First Love]   enough so that she’d agree to be my girlfriend; just as I’d attempted to impress this girl on Facebook.  I bought [First Love] cans of pop often, fixed her broken devices in electronics class, and stood always ready to serve her in any capacity she requested.  I’d engineer things so that she’d see me hard at work with the dining staff; moving pots of hot food around, changing bags in the milk dispensers, and joyfully interacting with the waitresses and the head cook.  Instinctively, I knew that showing her that I could get along well with others, and in fact that many others liked me, would encourage her to like me too. I mean: Don’t woman tend to admire guys who have lots of other admirers as well?  Absolutely!

Yet in spite of that effort, I only managed to gain marginal esteem from [First Love].  Indeed, as I understand it today, inducing romantic desire into a woman’s heart always requires much, much more than just brute-force exertion.  In fact, destiny must favor it too. 

Back then though, I did not believe in fate, as fate was so often and closely tied to God in my learning.  Indeed, I began questioning the existence of God at fifteen years of age.  Eventually as I grew less certain about God, I divorced fate from Him as I realized that the forces of fate are easily provable, while the existence of God is far less so. 

Besides, after over seven years of chasing [First Love], I could no longer ignore the reality that my efforts were yielding no fruits.  I wasted my time as I came to understand, because my voluntary attempts to instill deep affection for me in her were rarely if ever successful.  Though I believed with all my heart that I could gain her impassioned longing, her undying love never materialized.  Though I thought I could make her fall if I worked at it long and hard enough, it turned out that unlike the little engine that could,   I could not.  All the positive thinking I could muster did not alter that truth.  Simply believing that I could did not mean that I could. 

While it came about after years of this epic slog that  [First Love]   felt sorry for me and thus threw me a few crumbs of loving here and there, this compassion-based fondness was not what I wanted even though it did finally usher me into her bed; a dream that I’d prayed would come true for years.  

Though I was blessed to be one of the few people out there who got to enjoy his first love in the bedroom and in the buff, I still never fully trusted her out-of-character professes of enduring love.  How could she change so quickly and so drastically after so long?  I wondered.  Besides, her affection was unpredictable and typically invisible, and on those rare times when it did appear and then left again, I was left crying in its dusty wake.  It would joyfully come and then painfully go.  But it was usually absent.  Depressing!

It’s true that briefly in 1980, she decided much to my great pleasure, that I was “good” for her; citing my years of dedication, forthrightness, and deliberate servitude.  She thought me safe, responsive, and consistently loving by then.  So she willed herself to love me; at least for that summer anyway.  My years of toil to build inroads into her heart had apparently paid off. 

However as I think back on it, she must have ignored the importance of being   in love   in order to completely love someone, when she chose to love me.  Perhaps she preferred to dismiss or hide her need for   the chemistry   as so many people today do, because they deem it shallow and immature.  Indeed, though she argued quite well that she did in fact love me, her words were somehow hollow, and her behavior over time clearly implied otherwise; suggesting that she never really did.  Sad!

She often veered from truly loving deeds, because there was no chemistry or deep passion to keep her straight, and her will to   stay straight   was only so strong.  She’d often forget to call, and then grow impatient when I’d take offense.  She’d spend time with other men; knowing full well that she was breaking my heart.  This was the ultimate rejection. 

Yet intellectually, she believed that she   should   stay straight.  But while she truly wished with all her heart that she   could   love me, the stark truth was that she simply   did not, and neither she nor I it turned out, could find the power to change that. 

She tried to fix it by bringing her willpower to bear, and I tried by behaving in accommodating, accepting, and loving ways to egg her on.  This was easy for me at first, because I had my heart pulling for me.  Showing her loving kindness, as long as we were together, came effortlessly.  After all, I possessed the gift of deep fervor where she was concerned; a passion that I did not choose.  It came from beyond. 

But no fire ever ignited in her soul in return for me; not even after years of my relentless (and at times, obsessive) campaigning.  The universe had not gifted her as it had me.  So, all the effort in the world had not, and it seemed, would not make her fall.  Without the pathways of destiny leading to love in the first place, I could not cut one on my own. 

She decided to love me, yes.  But she never managed to fall in love with me.  What she referred to as   her love   for me, was but a labor of will and resolve; without any abiding infatuation, awe, implicit admiration, or deep seated compulsion to back it up.  Her love for me never enslaved her to me.  Indeed, she could easily choose to be here today and gone tomorrow; whereas I could not.  Though she never intended to deceive or mislead me regarding the depths of her passions, deceived and misled I nonetheless felt. 

This romantic chapter (the only one as adults in fact) in our relationship ended after less than five months.  I suspected early on that it would because in our entire twenty-two year association, we spent less than twenty nights together.  The hurtful part in all that was that I could not persuade her to regard me any more highly than she did already. 

No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I rarely received more than mere cordial replies.  She shunned my painstaking efforts, no matter how much I offered.  This further frustrated me because I found, most brutally, that I actually had far less control over her passions than I’d imagined, when I set out in sixth grade to marry her and live happily ever after in twelfth. Destiny had other plans for her that did not include me, and in the end, accepting that nature beats nurture in these endeavors proved to be the most difficult and humiliating admission to make.  My experiences show that in nature there are far greater forces at work than human willpower, and that it therefore makes no sense to shame myself, should I lose out when pitting myself against them. 

Fully appreciating the limits of my powers when it comes bringing about deeply enjoyable romantic involvements, has made getting rejected in my love quest hurt much less and thus, quicker to recover from.  The hurt from the one today is already gone actually.  At times, like this one, I can indeed get over rejection. 

In fact, I’ve come to know that fulfilling romances result from the confluence of thousands of variables; the vast majority of which we individuals do not control.  The happiest love affairs were destined to be that way before they ever occurred because those thousands of variables were in large degree, already set prior to the love birds ever meeting. 

So when I agonized excessively over rejections received as a boy and young adult, my own arrogance proved to be    the   bona fide source of the resulting pain.  Indeed it was extraordinarily bigheaded of me to think that I could manage more than just a small number of all the factors that drive just how happy lovers will ultimately be together, or even if they get started at all.  If I indeed have so little control, then why should I think myself inadequate when I’m rejected?  Crazy!

These days, I blame myself for far less when the ladies say no.  Chances are, they’re rejecting me neither because I failed to behave as I should have, nor because committed some other unsightly blunder.  Instead, they reject because they feel no. But with a truly abiding attraction, people are capable of overlooking even the most wrongheaded behaviors.  E.g. Ladies who crawl after abusive husbands. 

It appears that when they feel yes, then the voluntary behaviors have only some effect on how deeply their passions run.  I gather thus that choice-based behaviors, unless they’re unusually inconsiderate, deliberately hurtful, or crass, contribute less than expected to how quickly or deeply we fall for one another.  So, I got rejected!  But this can, at worst, only imply a small amount of personal inadequacy, since that   yes feeling   derives from so many factors beyond the controllable ones.  Just because another deems us inadequate (they   feel   no) does not mean that we are lacking; though it does mean that   they   find us lacking.  Interesting!

She may call us a jerk or he might poke fun at (as he sees them) a woman’s numerous faults.  But the only definitive thing that the rejecter is qualified to say is simply that he   does not feel yes.  Any reasons for this that he might give, whether solicited or not, are probably speculative at best, and at worst, just plain wrong. 

I say this because in light of all those thousands of variables, it’s unlikely that just one or even a few can completely determine a person’s feelings of love.  It’s not just a single reason therefore, or even five or ten that makes someone fall, or prevents them from falling.  So, it would be foolhardy for them to state one or three or five as the all encompassing, overriding factors as to why they love us or not.  It’s also bad form for the rejected to assume that they were rejected for specific reasons that they could have done something about.  Very little of this is personal therefore.  Relief!

There’s a lot more to getting someone to fall than just behaving in the right ways.  So when they fail to fall, we ought not to blame ourselves for behaving incorrectly so much.  In fact, the whole idea that we can make someone fall, given my experiences with [First Love], I now believe is a myth, because in trying, we’re pitting ourselves against fate, and attempting to control those many variables that govern her heart that simply cannot be controlled by modern man. 

Assuming we can even know what those specific variables are for each person, actually managing enough of them to make the difference would be nearly impossible at present, and for generations to come I suspect.  Different people want different things, and the lists can vary hugely from one person to the next.  The core of rejection, I submit, is more about the differences in these lists between the rejecter and the rejected than anything else; any personal inadequacies notwithstanding. 

I offer and desire what I do.  Indeed, for the most part, I neither choose what to offer, nor especially, do I choose what I desire. So I cannot rationally be faulted for it. The same is true of the people we might choose to approach for a date.  They offer and desire various things too; but have no more control over these quantities than do we.  Whether or not these vast lists mesh with loving outcomes is a product of destiny; much more than any willful choices made.  Liberating! 

So, when we encounter getting rejected, we only can rightly shoulder so much responsibility.  Thus, any shame we feel at having received rejection is in the main, misplaced.  Rejection is less a statement about our controllable qualities as people, and more a simple measure of how well these lists match up. This, I’ve found, really takes the sting out of the experience of rejection for me.  With this in mind, I handle rejection more gracefully and have even managed to completely eliminate the sting of it in recent years, from certain ladies. 

It’s true that that Facebook woman, just as   [First Love]   did years ago, chose to reject me.  I mean both could have instead, welcomed me.  Indeed, there is a level of freedom of choice here.  But is choice really all that free?  True, we all have a vast plethora of choices before us that we could make.  But in all of those, there are far fewer ones that we’d actually desire to make, and I’d never anymore, wish someone to choose to love me without feeling it as well.  So when they say no, I just conclude that for whatever reason, we’re not right for each other, and then I move on, as I have today.  

Take care. 

Tom Hesley

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