Tom's Love Quest

Hi   [Leona].

I wanted to write and let you know that I’ve been conversing with a lady named [J] over the past several days and we seem to get along very well. I have no idea how it is going to turn out yet. But I think it would probably be best if I saw this through to conclusion, before calling you. I really like this woman and want to give her my undivided attention and see how it goes.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you – just the timing. You have such an animated, friendly, and lively personality. But I cannot call you in good conscience now. If I find that I am alone again at some point, I will definitely look you up, if you wouldn’t mind.

Take care, and I wish you all the best.

Tom Hesley

Dear   [J],

Okay, first, let me align myself with your thesis here. I get the impression that the physical nature of women forces the fairer sex to endure more pain than men in general. Women are burdened with the monthly pains of menstruation. They must carry the bulk of the load of physical suffering when it comes to birthing. They can sometimes even be disfigured by having a baby. And they must deal with menopause. Not that a man’s life is totally pain free. I just think that a woman through the course of a normal life must deal with a great deal more pain than a man. And assuming that the amount of suffering experienced directly impacts how compassionate a person is. women are by nature, more compassionate, because they suffer more. Yes, I would agree with your observation that suffering instills compassion in its victims.

Additionally, the domineering, controlling attitudes that many men are raised to have, would seem to interfere with their ability to demonstrate sufficient compassion for another. How so?

The dictionary defines ‘compassion’ as a motivation to help another or to be merciful, the origins of which appear to be pity. And ‘pity’ is defined as a feeling of sorrow or sadness, arising out of the observation of another’s condition or situation. But in order to pity well (and therefore express genuine compassion), one must be able to empathize with another, to actually feel the others’ pain, to walk in the others’ shoes as it were.

Yet between many men and their mates, a sort of barrier exists. Men are often unable to (or have no interest in) feeling, along with the women. What is this barrier? Ego perhaps? Throughout our classic literature, men are frequently identified as having enormous egos, so big in fact that there is often no room within their character make-ups, to consider different points of view. Smaller egos might have rendered our wars far less bloody. But what are the symptoms of a big ego?

With a large ego comes a driving need to “be right” or to have all the answers, to be hard, rigid, unyielding, controlling, and insistent. But in order to be compassionate, one must be quite different. He must show a bit of humility, acknowledge his own weaknesses so that the other might be comforted by the reassurance that she is not alone. The caring person recognizes another’s rightness, deferring his need to be right. He is soft (as in soft hearted), and flexible — to accommodate and support his lady in whatever she may need to do to rise above her suffering. But apparently, the attributes of excessive ego are the opposite of those of compassion, are they not? You are correct about how society shapes the experiences of men and women so differently. These dissimilarities are no doubt responsible for the overly large egos of men, and the compassionate natures of women. Our patriarchal society (to borrow your terminology) rears its men to be egotists, not “compassionists”. 

Many live their whole lives without making the transition from egotism to compassionate pursuits. However, there are certainly some compassionate men out there. Either empathy was born into them and they were raised to be that way, or were once were egotists but somehow learned to sincerely pity and assist. So, regarding those who WERE egotists but somehow switched to a more altruistic life style, your friend has asserted that hardships in their lives may have been responsible for enabling them to change. I agree with this. But how does it work? How does the suffering experience deflate the ego and instill compassion in a man?

First off, suffering humiliates. It unequivocally demonstrates that we are NOT the all powerful beings that we (especially us men) like to think we are. It drives us from Olympus and teaches with brutal force, that our continued existence is just as fragile as the next person’s despite outward appearances. We learn just how delusional the belief that we are “better” than another really is. And so we are less likely to ridicule and judge harshly when someone comes to us in true need of our help. This therefore, can shift our behavior away from selfishness, toward compassion.

Second, suffering equips us to better empathize. How? The pain and suffering can become so great that, regardless of how independent and righteous we perceive ourselves to be, we are forced by the intensity of the pain, to seek help from another to soothe it. Whether the aid comes from a doctor to cure a cancer, or a psychotherapist to mend a broken heart, or even from a good friend to hear us gripe about how bad a day we had, its effect cannot be ignored. We learn of the positive effects of another’s comforting nature, and thus, would tend to understand someone’s need for such a hand lent to them, from ourselves. In this way, having suffered makes us more appreciative of another’s suffering I believe, because we have a common frame of reference, the experience is shared. Having experienced enough pain allows to understand pain in others in a most reassuring and helpful way. It makes us more compassionate.

Unfortunately, I do not know how a man could learn genuine compassion short of real suffering. Some things cannot be assimilated by just reading a text book but must instead, be experienced.

There. Whacha think about that?

Tom Hesley

Good afternoon,   [J].

Taking a lunch break and thought I’d hammer out a few lines.

You asked why I do not desire children. Well, put simply, I just never had the desire. All the fathers and mothers who talk so much about the joys they have raising their offspring. All those activities just never appealed to me. Oh, don’t misunderstand. I am frequently moved by an afternoon with my sisters’ children. I just would not want full-time responsibility for them. I suppose I am much more of a career person. But whatever reason I might think of, I’m just about certain that it is nothing more than rationalization.

Here are some reasons I’ve come up with over the years to rationalize this disinterest:
• As Hilary Clinton says, nowadays, it takes a village to raise a child. Well, at least, the village always seems to want to be involved with and dictate how parents ought to raise their young. I’m not happy with the standards that society at large sets for its children.
• Today’s children are too violent.
• Today’s children are quite costly to raise well.
• To be good parent, it seems like you need to have a degree in child rearing. Raising a child is fast becoming a specialty field in itself.
• Too many bad temptations exist today for the adolescent. Difficult to keep them away from bad influences.

But again, I suspect that all of these are just rationalizations for a pre existing lack of desire in me, to be a father. The thought of having children is totally devoid of passion for me. And what determines which pursuits trigger passion? And can those triggers be changed? Hmmmm. A topic for another letter, right?

Later,
Tom Hesley

[J],

Thank *you* for sharing pieces of a couple of your significant relationships. How long were you married? Who ended these two relationships you described? You?

The discovery process of a developing relationship resembles the pealing of an onion. With each layer removed comes more exposure, more awareness of the other, more knowledge and understanding of the other, more ah has, if you will. This peeling, apparently, progresses, even after marriage begins, as closeness increases. The partners continue learning more about and adapting to each other. But unfortunately, some onions have rotten cores. They may not have been rotten when you started peeling, but got that way over time. But then, perhaps they were bad to start. That distinction is really irrelevant because in either case, It is difficult to know what is inside the onion unless you actually delve in, as you did. Sorry to hear that the insides of your onions, turned to be too hard for you to swallow in the end.

But you know, perhaps there are ways of telling what’s on the inside without risking so much time and emotional well-being. Of course, simply thumping on and inspecting the onion from the outside will probably never be as accurately revealing as actually peeling it. Or, stated more concretely, one cannot know definitively the mind of another without experiencing that person in the context in which you wish to learn how they’ll behave. That is, you would not have really known how your two relationships were going to turn out until you actually dove in and experienced them. Elementary, right?

But there isn’t enough time in our lives to peel EVERY onion fully in order to find one that isn’t rotten at the core or will become rotten at some point down the road. So, to make the best use of what little time we have to find a soul mate, it pays to look for patterns (like you’re doing) and accurate ways of generalizing, regarding what particular behaviors exhibited by another, mean. Will a person who behaves this way turn out to be a good match or a bad one? Yes, the more one can discern and infer from those patterns seen in the “bad” experience, the better s/he will be able to smartly avoid similar future situations, and know how to answer that question. You are wise to condition yourself to seek these patterns.

Throughout my 20s and into my 30s, I ignored these patterns, refused to acknowledge their existence. I wanted to give EVERY woman who came into my life a fair shake. I was too obsessed with this need to fully explore each individual before making a judgement. The so called warning signals, I often ignored (a lie here, a missed appointment there, Etc.). This is probably why I chased my   [first love]   for so long (much longer than warranted) and why it was so painful when it ended. In the quest to learn as much as possible about the whole person, I ended up, as you indicated, getting too close to the wrong types of woman (the dishonest, irresponsible type). Ironic isn’t it? Though I’ve tried making the most informed decisions about the women who enter my life, this excess effort caused me to end up making the wrong decisions and getting romantic with women I should have stayed away from. I believe I’m much more sensitive to these intuitive signals these days.

You asked why I tended to get involved with dishonest, “philandering,” or otherwise unattractive women. The above is probably the main cause (ignoring the patterns and warning signals). But another one was this:

Dating women who did not really attract me. I’ve never been attracted to heavy ladies, but throughout my 20s and early 30s, dated several. Why? Perhaps I felt sorry for them. In those years of mental immaturity, I did not realize that people want different things from a mate. In my, what seems now to be quite a narrow view at the time, all men seemed to want the same attributes in their mates (you know, the tall, thin, gorgeous type of lady). Back then, it seemed that if a woman did not fit that description, then she was destined to spend her life alone and lonely. And I felt such great guilt and shame for NOT being attracted to these types, that I had to date them and try to learn to appreciate them as they were in order to banish that guilt. I did not after all, wish to be dubbed, “the shallow man” who only goes after a woman for her looks. Therefore, it became my mission to find some way of loving such a lady, the belief being that the chemistry would come later if I really appreciated her personality. Well, that NEVER happened. No matter how nice the girl was (and I dated some of the best, most loving personalities around), that electricity never flowed later on. And ending such relationships was exceedingly difficult because it was hard to be the cause of their anguish upon departure. It really can be easier sometimes to be left than to do the leaving yourself.

Fortunately, I now know the importance of the chemistry, and will never proceed without it into a relationship again. I also have learned that the generalized female beauty glorified and propagated by the media, is not entirely universal. That is, it is not held by EVERYONE. A quick walk down a crowded Philadelphia street on a Sunday afternoon reveals that. On such a stroll, you will find fat men with skinny women, skinny men with fat women, fat men with fat women, skinny men with skinny women, tall men with short women and vice versa, and, . . ., you get the idea. Though the media would have us believe that you need to have a certain body type to enjoy the luxury of a happy union, it just is not so. Although I myself do tend to be drawn to the same types of ladies that the media showcases, I know that not every man is. There really is “someone for everyone,” “a lid for every pot,” Etc. Knowing that, it is much easier to pursue what really attracts me, without the guilt.

Will address some of your other questions / points in future letters.

Well, time for bed. Talk to you again, later today.

Tom Hesley

Hi   [J].

Wow, I like your analogy of “ah has” resembling connections or electricity flowing in a circuit. Never thought of it that way before. What ramifications that has.

If each “ah ha” comprises one connection, then one would become more connected with each “ah ha” encountered. So, the more “ah has” you experience, it stands to reason, then the more connected you are. Connected to what though? The universe? The vastness of universal knowledge? Perhaps. With each connection, your views and awareness are broadened – almost as though a new set of eyes or ears was connected to the brain. Or maybe it’s like additional lighting being connected to illuminate a previously dark place. Hmmmmm.

This also fits well into the notion that these insightful flashes, that we’ve been calling “ah has,” counteract depression. Psychologists suggest that with a greater connection to our worlds, very often, come lower incidents of depression. Withdrawn folks are often more down than those who are “connected” to some sort of community.

More later . . .
Tom Hesley

Hi   [J].

Wow, you seem to have a knack for asking “loaded” questions. No problem though. And I will answer fully and honestly, every question you have about my past relationships. I place a premium value on honesty, as you seem to. I will NEVER lie to you. There may be some omissions in these stories. But not because I’d be trying to hide anything. It is just that there is so much to tell, that missing important information becomes very easy. It is not intentional.

There have probably been about 4 to 6 “significant” relationships, since my   [first love]. By “significant” I mean a relationship in which there seemed, at least initially, to be a mutual connection, as you might put it. None have lasted move than 10 months. And they all ended, very generally speaking, because of one or more of the following:
• Some partners were discovered to be dishonest and therefore, untrustworthy.
• Some were ambivalent in so far as seeing only me was concerned. Several of them liked going out with me. But they also liked dating around. And I didn’t like that, especially after several months of dating them had elapsed. One of them even concealed the fact that she was sleeping with someone else from me, until I visited her apartment one night, and noticed some of “his” paraphernalia in her bedroom. G-O-N-G!!!
• Differing aspirations. One lady, Hane, about 7 months into our monogamy, decided that she wanted to have children, in the worst way. Well, since kids have never been a desire of mine, we were never able to find a win-win answer to that difference in our long-term aspirations for the relationship. And so, we parted, and last I knew, she is now married with two children. I wish her the best.
• Some were flagrantly irresponsible. One case in particular: In late 1997, I became enthralled with a beautiful woman from Ohio ( named [Vee]). We emailed and talked on the phone for about 6 months, and in February, last year, I flew to Dayton to meet her. I really thought I had found my soul mate then, we had a couple of those dreamy dates. And at the air port as I departed at the end of the week, we both cried. We then started to make plans to be together, and she was considering a move to Philly. But there were many, many strings, and the situation was quite complicated. Anyway, we decided that I would go to Dayton again in May to visit her. But when I got there, she never showed up at the rendezvous point, and I had to turn around and come home without knowing where she was or what had happened to her.

She could not be reached at her home for 4 days after that. When she finally did answer, she had NO answers and avoided talking to me. Well, I let it go. About a month later, she called back, all apologetic, and had invented this ridiculous story about how the guy she was living with (one of those complications I mentioned) had kidnapped her and took her to Tennessee the morning she was supposed to meet me. She had trouble answering the most basic questions about the incident, and I was firmly convinced that she was lying. Well, I ended that relationship last summer. Again, G-O-N-G!!!

Ask away, if you have more specific questions. I’ll be happy to answer them all.

More later . . .

Tom Hesley

Hi again,   [J].

A nightcap.

Now, in that pic you sent, what in heaven’s name were you doing, standing in front of a jail? That place looked really cool.

I found a pic my siblings, plus one. This is of my sisters, a niece, and me, taken in late 1997 over the Christmas holiday. Front row (left to right): Joann holding her daughter Katie, Christine, and Mary Ann. Back Row: me, and Diane. Christine and Diane are the twins.

…

Were you ever married before?

Not a TV fan, ‘eh? I like 60 Minutes now and then, but can’t bare to watch it every week. Sometimes during the day while working at home, I’ll put CNN on here in the home office. And I like shows like The Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman, Lost in Space, JAG, Star Trek Voyager, and All in the Family. But when I’m dating someone, I rarely watch these. These are just filler for the lonely times I guess.

No, the world doesn’t make sense. Mom says that she wasn’t really happy until she STOPPED trying to make sense out of it. But continuing to move toward total understanding, though we know we’ll never get there in our life times, is still good to do. It provides purpose, and while each step up that mountain of mental expansion can agonize, there also comes the joy of having learned something new. IMHO, the trick to avoiding depression and feelings of worthlessness is to keep the mind busy assimilating new information. That “ah ha!” feeling when an insight bursts into the conscious mind is quite the antidepressant. I like to have at least one of those “ah hah!” experiences each day. And it need not be an earth shattering discovery. Today’s “ah hah!” for example, was that I fixed a squeaky wooden rocking chair. Sunday’s “ah hah!” was the installation of new memory in one of the home computers. Depressed people do not have enough of these “ah hahs” in their lives. One could argue that without “ah has”, then there is no life – thus, the command, “Get a life!!!” that friends often say to someone who has been down in the dumps for an unusually long time. But I’m off babbling again.

Well, once again, off to bed. The cold is just about gone, so I’ll not be having any mint tea tonight.

Talk to you later.

Tom Hesley

Hi again,   [J].

Well, since your parents are BOTH writers, that might explain why you’re one as well.

Must have been neat to grow up around all that intellect and clairvoyance. Writers often seem to have the ability to perceive things with their minds that are beyond recognition by others.

Do you regret your current family situation? You did say that you’ve come to accept it as is. But do you feel at all short-changed yourself because of how things happened between your parents? Does being so far removed from them cause you grief?

Star Trek 6 is on the Sci Fi Channel tonight at 9:00 EDT. I’m a trekkie.

Well, gotta go for now. It is almost time for the movie. So, will catch you later on.

Bye.

Tom Hesley

‘Evenin’   [J].

On the seven years that I pursued my   [first love]: Yes, for just about all of that time, we were just friends, although I wanted so much more. Oh there were a few occasions when she allowed me to steal a kiss or a bit more. But those only happened every few years.

Anyway, the end of our relationship produced more emotional anguish than I had ever felt before. And, there has been no MORE painful time since then either. No doubt, the experience hurt with more duration and intensity than any other in my life. That time I’ve come to refer to as my “dark ages”. I would never trade those times for any other – they taught me many valuable lessons after all, that contribute to my happiness today. Yet I would never want to repeat them.

Since then, there have been many friends and several emotionally intense relationships. Lots of enriching experiences. But more about them some other times if you’re interested. I feel like we’re talking too much about me, and not enough about you.

Your words about the many ways of connecting with others were most insightful. Never really viewed relationships as consisting of different types of connections between people. But many folks do speak of them in these terms.

I don’t believe that we’re supposed to go it alone either. When a “right” woman is around and returns my affections, I feel so much more “alive” than when she is absent. The energy that comes from togetherness when present, overflows into all other areas of life, and positively colors everything. All hardships seem less hard and all good things seem even better. It becomes so much easier to be nice to everyone when one’s emotional, mental, and sexual needs are being met fully. Things like the quests for money and power and affluence, become less interesting, when one is truly satiated by true love.

Do you have a pic of you that you could email? Were you able to see mine on the match.com web site? I just bought a digital camera. Not having to get film developed is a real advancement over traditional photographic methods. Plus, it makes sending pics over the net much easier. Can you view .JPG, .GIF, or .TIF files on your PC? Most web browsers these days come with the necessary software to decode and display these file formats.

Mom’s boyfriend seems like a nice guy, although his past is somewhat sordid. He smokes pot on occasion, and about 10 years ago, had gotten into a very bad car accident because he was riding with a bunch of drunks. But the accident might have changed him. He treats Mom very well and she says that she’s very comforted having him around. He cuts the grass and has begun doing numerous “handyman” type jobs around their home.

Oh and by the way, he is almost 30 years younger than Mom. He is 29.

As a writer, you must read a lot also. Do you have a book case at your home? How big is it and what are some of your favorite books on it? Do you have a home office?

I just bought a copy of an illustrated Oxford Dictionary, and have been having so much fun reading it that it feels almost like reading a good novel.

More later . . .
Tom Hesley

Hi again, Leona.

Now that I have some time, let me write you a more substantive letter.

Yes, computers in the wrong hands could spell disaster for the entire human race I suppose. But they can (and do) make our lives so much easier and more enjoyable that, in my humble opinion, they are worth the risk. Computers will facilitate the ability of us humans to make our own realities rather than being forced to live in one that might deny us the pleasures we seek. Or, they’ll eventually enable us to solve many social problems (like AIDS, class disparity, and overpopulation issues). I supposed I’m biased, since I like them so much that I made a career out of them.

Where in Philly are you? I’m in the northeast, close to Oxford Circle.

You’re from England? Wow. It is fun conversing with someone from abroad. I used to enjoy listening to the British Broadcasting Company (BBC) when I frequented the short wave radio bands in the early 90s. They provided the best overall coverage of world news I thought. Do you get back to England very often? How often?

On bars: I used to go to them when in college. But once I graduated, I suppose I grew up and haven’t been back to them very often since, and almost never alone. Occasionally, the people at work like going out on Friday nights and if I am at the company’s home office, I go with them. But I only drink on New Years Eve, and perhaps one or two other times a year depending on what is being celebrated. But even on those occasions, I only have one or two drinks and never consume enough to become intoxicated.

On camping, I do that too – another thing we have in common. Hmmmm. Yes, I imagine that it would be a real joy to share a sleeping bag with a soul mate, although I have never experienced this. But I have enjoyed numerous other activities with soul mates, and was very happy doing them. Perhaps that is why I hate being without a special person with whom to share my life. Ah but maybe someday. Now I do enjoy my alone-time. I love introspecting and writing and thinking. I’d just like to have a soul mate around when I do NOT want aloneness.

You’re the first Leona I’ve ever communicated with. Your name is rather unique.

Well, I’m off to get some supper. Have a good evening and perhaps I’ll hear from you later on.

Later,
Tom Hesley