Dear J: My First Love
Hi again, [J].
Well, the reason I didn’t put much about *me* in the note about my family was that THAT note was already getting pretty big, and I didn’t want to come across as a wind bag. 
But I guess I could babble a bit about my [first love]. Perhaps that would give some indication of the kind of romantic partner I am. I wrote this piece about her several years ago – I love keeping a sort of journal of this stuff. Enjoy . . .
During elementary and high school, I chased a child/woman (my [first love]) for seven years before she “realized” that she “loved” me. Well when she did, life became PERFECT. We moved in together about nineteen years ago, and things were heavenly for the next few months. We even discussed marriage and our children-to-be.
But a couple months later, she started spending time periodically with an ex flame, “as friends” she’d say. But over the years, I’d seen her leave dances, parties, and other social events with this guy, not to be seen again until the next morning. Yet, she expected me to accept and support her on-going friendship with him, despite what we both knew about their history together. Well, I tried, and succeeded for a month more, until she decided to move out of our “home” and into college dorms, as she was starting classes in the fall of 1980. Even though where we lived, was but a 20 minute bus ride from the campus, she still insisted on living n the dorms. Well, that ripped it with me and I told her that we couldn’t continue seeing each other under those circumstances, since our relationship had become too low a priority in her life. She agreed and said, “Well, then we can’t continue.”
The point is that though I was available to her for seven-plus years, we remained together, once together, for only five months — way too short a time. And to further nullify the worth of my seven years of dedication, two months after we broke up, she engaged to marry to the same guy who was JUST her friend during our relationship. *humph* Though that five month time of bliss was perhaps the best time in my life, the price for it was the previous seven years of waiting to love her, with all the hurt associated with that, and the following two years of pain getting over her. IT WASN’T WORTH ALL THE HEARTACHE ! The price was TOO HIGH.
I’ve vowed never to pay THAT kind of price again for the affections of a woman, and won’t spend more than a short span of months “selling” myself to her without some return of interest from her. I’d rather be alone than dump energy into a “black hole” relationship while the woman decides where her head’s at, or goes about comparing me with other suitors she knows. Nope. Never.
Of course, fondness takes SOME time to grow (or more precisely, to be comfortably expressed). But it shouldn’t take too long. Two months, three months, maybe six. Naaah, not six.
I disbelieve much of that pop psyche stuff (M. Scott Peck et al) about true love emanating from “the will” rather than “the heart”. My [first love's] “love,” seemed more an intellectual motivation (will) to be with someone who was always reliable and loving, not someone she really was attracted to. That is, she didn’t have the “feel” for it (or me). In my experience, that feeling/spark/electricity – whatever you want to call it — must come quickly. Otherwise, it never does, and those who claim to have developed it after months or years without showing any interest at all prior to, arouse my suspicions. They make me wonder if it is their hearts or their wills doing the talking.
I want both the heart, and the will. But not either or. Don’t misunderstand. A relationship does indeed require will. But it also requires drive / attraction. Will cannot be substituted for attraction, nor can attraction be substituted for will. In fact, it seems that the chemistry (or attraction) serves to motivate the parties to WILL themselves, if you will, to pursue a relationship together. Will cannot spawn attraction, but attraction can indeed boost one’s WILLpower to pursue and sustain a romance. These are both essential ingredients in a successful, mutually beneficial romance. But I’m really starting to babble now. It’s time to shut up for a bit.
There. How’s that?
Well, time once again, for bed. Got a busy day tomorrow – more meetings and I get to experiment with some new software for our web site. So, Jill, have a good night, and may your muse look kindly upon you this week.
I will respond to the rest of your letter about your family tomorrow.
Later,
Tom
