The Ah-Has
[J],
Thank *you* for sharing pieces of a couple of your significant relationships. How long were you married? Who ended these two relationships you described? You?
The discovery process of a developing relationship resembles the pealing of an onion. With each layer removed comes more exposure, more awareness of the other, more knowledge and understanding of the other, more ah has, if you will. This peeling, apparently, progresses, even after marriage begins, as closeness increases. The partners continue learning more about and adapting to each other. But unfortunately, some onions have rotten cores. They may not have been rotten when you started peeling, but got that way over time. But then, perhaps they were bad to start. That distinction is really irrelevant because in either case, It is difficult to know what is inside the onion unless you actually delve in, as you did. Sorry to hear that the insides of your onions, turned to be too hard for you to swallow in the end.
But you know, perhaps there are ways of telling what’s on the inside without risking so much time and emotional well-being. Of course, simply thumping on and inspecting the onion from the outside will probably never be as accurately revealing as actually peeling it. Or, stated more concretely, one cannot know definitively the mind of another without experiencing that person in the context in which you wish to learn how they’ll behave. That is, you would not have really known how your two relationships were going to turn out until you actually dove in and experienced them. Elementary, right?
But there isn’t enough time in our lives to peel EVERY onion fully in order to find one that isn’t rotten at the core or will become rotten at some point down the road. So, to make the best use of what little time we have to find a soul mate, it pays to look for patterns (like you’re doing) and accurate ways of generalizing, regarding what particular behaviors exhibited by another, mean. Will a person who behaves this way turn out to be a good match or a bad one? Yes, the more one can discern and infer from those patterns seen in the “bad” experience, the better s/he will be able to smartly avoid similar future situations, and know how to answer that question. You are wise to condition yourself to seek these patterns.
Throughout my 20s and into my 30s, I ignored these patterns, refused to acknowledge their existence. I wanted to give EVERY woman who came into my life a fair shake. I was too obsessed with this need to fully explore each individual before making a judgement. The so called warning signals, I often ignored (a lie here, a missed appointment there, Etc.). This is probably why I chased my [first love] for so long (much longer than warranted) and why it was so painful when it ended. In the quest to learn as much as possible about the whole person, I ended up, as you indicated, getting too close to the wrong types of woman (the dishonest, irresponsible type). Ironic isn’t it? Though I’ve tried making the most informed decisions about the women who enter my life, this excess effort caused me to end up making the wrong decisions and getting romantic with women I should have stayed away from. I believe I’m much more sensitive to these intuitive signals these days.
You asked why I tended to get involved with dishonest, “philandering,” or otherwise unattractive women. The above is probably the main cause (ignoring the patterns and warning signals). But another one was this:
Dating women who did not really attract me. I’ve never been attracted to heavy ladies, but throughout my 20s and early 30s, dated several. Why? Perhaps I felt sorry for them. In those years of mental immaturity, I did not realize that people want different things from a mate. In my, what seems now to be quite a narrow view at the time, all men seemed to want the same attributes in their mates (you know, the tall, thin, gorgeous type of lady). Back then, it seemed that if a woman did not fit that description, then she was destined to spend her life alone and lonely. And I felt such great guilt and shame for NOT being attracted to these types, that I had to date them and try to learn to appreciate them as they were in order to banish that guilt. I did not after all, wish to be dubbed, “the shallow man” who only goes after a woman for her looks. Therefore, it became my mission to find some way of loving such a lady, the belief being that the chemistry would come later if I really appreciated her personality. Well, that NEVER happened. No matter how nice the girl was (and I dated some of the best, most loving personalities around), that electricity never flowed later on. And ending such relationships was exceedingly difficult because it was hard to be the cause of their anguish upon departure. It really can be easier sometimes to be left than to do the leaving yourself.
Fortunately, I now know the importance of the chemistry, and will never proceed without it into a relationship again. I also have learned that the generalized female beauty glorified and propagated by the media, is not entirely universal. That is, it is not held by EVERYONE. A quick walk down a crowded Philadelphia street on a Sunday afternoon reveals that. On such a stroll, you will find fat men with skinny women, skinny men with fat women, fat men with fat women, skinny men with skinny women, tall men with short women and vice versa, and, . . ., you get the idea. Though the media would have us believe that you need to have a certain body type to enjoy the luxury of a happy union, it just is not so. Although I myself do tend to be drawn to the same types of ladies that the media showcases, I know that not every man is. There really is “someone for everyone,” “a lid for every pot,” Etc. Knowing that, it is much easier to pursue what really attracts me, without the guilt.
Will address some of your other questions / points in future letters.
Well, time for bed. Talk to you again, later today. 
October 23rd, 2011 at 11:44 am
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