Tom's Love Quest

Hi again.

Was wondering: Would you like to start talking on the phone? I’ve enjoyed communicating with you via email immensely and will definitely continue doing so. But – and this is nothing at all against you – I’m starting to feel bored with email as a sole means of communication. Perhaps, it might be time for us to move forward and learn what each other sounds like – to dig a little deeper into the chocolate, as it were. It would be so much nicer to have a nightly bedtime chat, rather than a day ending email exchange. Besides, I do so much typing during the day that continuing it at night can really become a chore. I think that’s how I injured my hand last week – over exertion. I have to type 20 to 30 email messages a day just to stay in touch with the folks in Dayton, not to mention typing in programs, and running tests. So, needless to say, I’d really like to do much less typing at night.

What are your thoughts?

Tom Hesley

Yes, I know. You seem harmless. Perhaps it is time we exchange our real email addresses and phone numbers. Actually, the phone number you saw in my signature is my business line. The residence line number is 215-743-6999.

We should probably move off of match.com. I’ve seen instances where mail sent through their re mailer, sometimes does not get through. This can create some nasty misunderstandings. But it is up to you. When ready, just go ahead and mail me directly at:
thomas.hesley@xxxx.yyy

More later.
Tom Hesley

Morning.

I have no current SO [significant other]. I was speaking hypothetically. That is to say, if I DID have a current SO, I would not discuss the details of previous relationships with her. There is no relationship going on now, for you to interfere with. You are the woman I’d like to get to know. And so, I’m emailing no others like this.

I’m a one-woman person all the way, and am looking for someone to do far more than just chat in email with. But when meeting people in cyberspace, at least initially, lots of emailing has to happen.

Have fun this week. I didn’t want you to go away with these questions, and thinking that I’m being purposely evasive. Your concerns are valid, particularly when it comes to your children, and I will make sure you swallow no ants where I am concerned.

I will miss getting your emails. But have a great time. We’ll chat again Thursday.

Later,
Tom Hesley

Hmmm, I better be careful of what I say. You just might be waiting to beat me over the head with it at some future time. Just kidding. I save all your email also, and consult it often.

Well, I am quite communicative about many aspects of my life, both strong and weak areas, at the proper time. My impression however, is that our budding association has not yet developed enough for us to begin visiting those vulnerable zones. The best foot, then the other foot. I suppose that right now, I’m not comfortable putting “the other foot” forward just yet. Fear not though. Once I feel close to someone, I open up.

Well, must return to work. Talk to you soon.

Tom Hesley

[Lynn],

Just getting ready to head out on this crisp Friday night. This is the evening each week I usually go to some of the book stores in the area and browse. Although, not sure what will come to pas this week.

I am exceedingly willing to be there for her, and avoid asking for anything that I am unwilling or unable to provide adequate “compensation” for in return. Healthy relationships resemble businesses, in that the people involved must exchange evenly, to steer clear of resentments and unfairness. Ideally, emotional, mental, and physical trade deficits should not continue for long periods without correction, or at least, adequate justification. Like the old “scratch my back and I will scratch yours” scenario, a relationship over all, resembles a tit-for-tat arrangement. A business as well as a love association, becomes sick if its customers come to owe it too much, or vice versa.

However, these remarks are not intended to suggest that on any given day the “scales” are always in balance. If you could liken the emotional, mental, intellectual, and physical contributions of each partner to weight that could be measured on a balance type of scale, the scale should, for the most part, be level. Now it may rock up and down like a see saw frequently. But a healthy balance is achieved, when both partners contribute equal amounts of “weight” to each end of the see saw. One week, the lady may do more giving while the man does the receiving. But in the next, the roles are reversed. And all this is driven by the separate experience each happens to bring to the relationship that week. In short, I indeed would like to give, to receive, and to exchange, and to do it fairly. You seem to feel the same I sense.

Well, gotta go for now. Chat with you further, later.

Tom Hesley

Just responding to another piece of the letter you sent earlier.

Independent lives, yes. I firmly believe that people should always maintain their financial separateness, and that they should have their own careers. However, I suppose I’m looking for a lady who has a real desire to share her life with a male companion, and to give up SOME of her independence, and enter into ventures and arrangements with him, where the two depend on each other. She longs for some emotional support, someone to listen to her. She wants to help and listen also.

This notion of two independent people being independent together (seemingly a contradictory concept don’t you think?), has certainly inspired today’s writers in the pop psychology circles. Maybe that’s why it sells so well. Readers love irony after all. Seems that all a writer need do to sell lots of books in this area, is to espouse the notion that people can remain totally independent of each other, yet still enjoy all the fruits of a loving relationship. I have grappled with this idea over the years. And my current thinking is that in love relationships (as well as in business and friendship ones), one must devote at least some of his energies and behaviors to sustaining the relationship, to “being there” for the other. One cannot claim independence yet also claim to truly love another, in my humble opinion. Yes, a certain amount of freedom-of-choice vanishes once we enter healthy relationships. If we’re to remain cognizant of and demonstrate sensitivity to the others’ feelings, we cannot be totally free to do as we please. But I believe we’re dealing with a gray area here. Partners in a healthy association would be neither totally independent of, nor totally codependent on each other. But if you are so inclined, we can discuss this further, later. I’m running out of steam for now.

Have a good night and perhaps we’ll talk tomorrow.

Tom Hesley

[Lynn],

Quite a “cerebral” letter you wrote. I’ll only touch on part of it tonight. I’ll quote segments of it and reply to each in more email over the weekend. Anyway, here goes…

I am indeed looking for steady, sustained, monogamous companionship, yes. Ideally, I’d want to see my girlfriend three to four times a week, and spend a couple or three nights a week together (I like my alone time too and three or so nights each week alone is enough for me). There would be the movies, Saturday afternoon shopping and dining, the late night conversations, occasional bowling, or whatever we both could agree on, Etc. Yes, I would want someone who makes me feel very special and important, and who does so without compromising or deferring her own aspirations. This is possible. I’ve dated several women over the years who were very good at it.

To me, a soul mate is a buddy, a friend, a confidante, a lover, a partner, a teacher, a student, an ally, and occasionally, an adversary. I do not see a relationship as two people completely maintaining separate lives indefinitely. There would eventually be some merging of purposes and motivations as well as a degree of unification of focus and aspiration. That is, the two would begin to share many dreams and strive to make them come true, together.

Of course, the partners don’t do EVERYTHING together. Generally speaking, I cannot spend more then two days straight in someone else’s company without needing a day or two break. So, don’t read too much into my comments about wanting to be close to my soul mate. That closeness has limits, which I hope are more clear now.

More later,
Tom Hesley

Dear   [Lynn],

So, you must be a big coffee drinker. The last couple notes you sent made some reference to coffee.

Anyway, thought I’d send along some tid bits about me to help facilitate our getting acquainted. Hope this answers some of the questions you may have. These are not logically grouped. They’re presented in the order in which they occurred to me to write.

I relocated to Philly just over two years ago. Before that, I owned a two-story, four bedroom house while living in Dayton, OH between 1992 and 1997 inclusive. I enjoyed doing the electrical upgrades, sealing the driveway, running an edger around the sidewalks each spring, mowing the grass, and tinkering in the garage – must be a guy thing. However, cleaning up after the sump pump failed in 1997, especially in a newly carpeted basement, was no fun at all.

I had a roommate through much of that time, who rented two of the spare bedrooms for three years, and assisted with several home improvement projects. Our favorite one was the installation a ceramic tile floor in the upstairs bathroom. He didn’t stay much longer, because he saw the joys of home-owning himself, and went and bought one a few blocks away. There are lots of pics of the house here but none are scanned in as of yet. Will send some when I hook up the scanner. Space is tight here in this small home office, and so, can’t keep the scanner set up all the time.

I hold an Extra Class amateur radio license, the highest level (greatest privileges) available to operators here in the US. License requirements include passing 5 exams that deal with radio propagation and component theory, as well as demonstrating proficiency at the Morse code. This means you must receive it at 20 words per minute. The call sign is N8UBU, and this must be used to Id your transmitter every ten minutes that you’re conversing over the air with others. Amateur radio (A.K.A. Ham Radio) encourages anyone with an interest in electronics and public safety, to get on the air, and to build some of the components of their station. I have assembled a few FM transmitters, and made my own cables to connect the various components together (data cables are particularly challenging to build with over 20 wires inside). I had wanted to install a 100 Ft. tall antenna tower in my back yard. But after talking to the neighbors, found that doing so would not encourage warm neighborly relations. So, I settled with three dipole aerials, strung between two tall trees out back. They worked well, though they were very low to the ground (about 10 feet up). With them, I talked to operators in Peru, Canada, Mexico, and numerous other countries. Reaching several states (Florida, New York, and Michigan) was also fairly simple with these antennas, running about 100 Watts transmitter output power. Being able to converse with someone in Peru while running only enough power to light a standard light bulb was fascinating. I’ve sold off most of the equipment prior to moving to Philly, and am therefore not as active as in the mid 90s. But the interest is still there.

I want to feel close to my soul mate, to exchange love, to communicate openly and completely, to be around for her, always. Beyond meeting the financial requirements of survival and career maintenance, Her needs (intentionally capitalized), would receive top priority, the only string being her continued passion toward building the relationship higher.

I held an electronics technician position at the University of Pittsburgh in the early 80s. Originally, my training was in the repair of home entertainment equipment – two years at a Pittsburgh trade school between 1979 and 1981, with the job at Pitt to follow from 1981 through 1983. I left that in 1983 to pursue a degree in computer science between 1984 and 1988. Then, in 1988, moved to Ohio to work for a data packaging company in Ohio, and have been with them ever since.

All college loans are paid off, and I maintain only one credit card account which has almost nothing charged on it. I am almost totally debt free, and for Y2K, my goal has been to be completely debt free. I think I’m going to make it.

I hold a Microsoft Certified Professional certificate. The requirements, In order to get it, involved demonstrating expert level skills in the planning for, installation, and support of the Windows 95 and Windows 98 operating systems. Am currently studying to pass the Windows NT 4.0 exam. That covers many Internet topics – how to network Windows computers together, using either modems or network cards on local area networks (LANs). In fact, I have a little LAN here at the apartment with three computers. One is the work machine, and the other two are set up as file servers. One of those has four 4.5 GB SCSI III disk drives that work very well when editing sound files – they’re quite fast with seven millisecond average access times.

Willing to relocate to be with my soul mate.

Writing a book that offers ways to people of modest means, charisma, disposition, social status, … to seek and achieve much more than modest fulfillment in their romantic relationships. In my mind’s eye, the book jacket appears to be a deep blue (almost violet) with metallic, vibrant blue, neon lettering, although its title is still a mystery. Roughly 200 pages have been written so far, and revised and revised and revised again! You know the routine. It will have diagrams, statistics, quotes from learned people in the subject, and probably will not be published until after I retire from computers. *smile* But an important dream for me is to indeed publish it.

I love almonds, black bean soup, pasta, vegetables, fruits, skim milk, rice and soy beverages, and lots of water. Taking 16-mile hikes thrills and inspires me. Movies are great on a rainy Saturday afternoon. And strolling through fragrant and colorful arboretums in the spring and fall? Nothing better.

I practice routine and order, but spontaneity has value also – when the routines become too monotonous. But generally, I’m a planner, enjoy looking forward to things, and don’t like last minute deviations. Although if circumstances warrant, will accommodate such changes if possible and not exceedingly costly.

I have no police record, am drug and disease free, no addictions or other forms of strong attachment to mere material things and substances. No smoking. Extremely rare social drinking. Credit record is excellent. And, am on terms of civility with all ex lovers, any hostilities and “baggage” were resolved and discarded long ago

I’m a useful handy man when it comes to computers, making household repairs, troubleshooting and implementing improvements to home telephone and cable lines, and I know electric lighting and wiring.

I keep a clean house, laundry, and body. The laundry is done every week or two, the house gets cleaned once a week and the body gets bathed once or twice a day. Have employed cleaning services for the past 8 years to help keep everything spiffy and sparkling.

Love to travel, EVERYWHERE, and have a current passport. I’m ready to travel abroad, when I find a companion to enjoy it with.

I am independent and financially self sufficient. Involvement with me will cost my soul mate nothing monetarily. I strive to never ask for loans or gifts. I just want to exchange understanding, passion, compassion, and truth – in short, I want to trade love.

I love and respect Mom and family, visiting them one or two weekends a month. A frequent dream: To introduce them to my soul mate, and show her (the soul mate) some Altoona hospitality. I help keep their home appliances running well (dryers, stoves, and anything of the hand held variety).

I am extremely affectionate, and love to kiss and hold hands several times each day. I communicate well, am in touch with my feelings and thus, know how to express them with little chance of misinterpretation. I am NOT the silent type and feel that “the silent treatment” is no way to resolve a conflict. Talking, debating, and talking some more are how you find that win-win solution that transforms the essential ability to compromise from merely “making do” to basking in “stunning victory” for both. Finding what is best for all involved is paramount. There can be no mutual concern of greater importance than this, in a healthy, lasting relationship. Unlike football, where one team wins and the other loses, in order for the victory to be true in a romance, both must win. Not draw, not tie, not sudden death, but win.

Okay, I’m out of steam. So, going to say good night. Take care. Will probably talk to you tomorrow. But then, maybe I’ll send you something else. I dunno.

Later,
Tom Hesley

Hi.

I just came across your ad on match.com. We seem, initially, quite compatible, and geographically not too distant. I’m here in Philadelphia.

Would you check out my ad at the match.com site? There is a picture of me up there. And if you’d like to become better acquainted, then by all means let me know.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

Hi again, [Christina].

Your 6 foot tall frame would not bother me. I consider it one of your assets.

Hmmm. You want to know more about me. Well, I relocated to Philly just over two years ago. Before that, I owned a two-story, four bedroom house while living in Dayton, OH between 1992 and 1997 inclusive. I enjoyed doing the electrical upgrades, sealing the driveway, running an edger around the sidewalks each spring, mowing the grass, and tinkering in the garage – must be a guy thing. However, cleaning up after the sump pump failed in 1997, especially in a newly carpeted basement, was no fun at all. I’m back in an apartment right now.

I had a roommate through much of that time, who rented two of the spare bedrooms for three years, and assisted with several home improvement projects. Our favorite one was the installation a ceramic tile floor in the upstairs bathroom. He didn’t stay much longer, because he saw the joys of home-owning himself, and went and bought one a few blocks away. There are lots of pics of the house here but none are scanned in as of yet. Will send some when I hook up the scanner. Space is tight here in this small home office, and so, can’t keep the scanner set up all the time.

I hold an Extra Class amateur radio license, the highest level (greatest privileges) available to operators here in the US. License requirements include passing 5 exams that deal with radio propagation and component theory, as well as demonstrating proficiency at the Morse code. This means you must receive it at 20 words per minute. The call sign is N8UBU, and this must be used to Id your transmitter every ten minutes that you’re conversing over the air with others. Amateur radio (A.K.A. Ham Radio) encourages anyone with an interest in electronics and public safety, to get on the air, and to build some of the components of their station.

I have assembled a few FM transmitters, and made my own cables to connect the various components together (data cables are particularly challenging to build with over 20 wires inside). I had wanted to install a 100 Ft. tall antenna tower in my back yard. But after talking to the neighbors, found that doing so would not encourage warm neighborly relations. So, I settled with three dipole aerials, strung between two tall trees out back. They worked well, though they were very low to the ground (about 10 feet up). With them, I talked to operators in Peru, Canada, Mexico, and numerous other countries. Reaching several states (Florida, New York, and Michigan) was also fairly simple with these antennas, running about 100 Watts transmitter output power.

Being able to converse with someone in Peru while running only enough power to light a standard light bulb was fascinating. I’ve sold off most of the equipment prior to moving to Philly, and am therefore not as active as in the mid 90s. But the interest is still there.

I want to feel close to my soul mate, to exchange love, to communicate openly and completely, to be around for her, always. Beyond meeting the financial requirements of survival and career maintenance, Her needs (intentionally capitalized), would receive top priority, the only string being her continued passion toward building the relationship higher.

I held an electronics technician position at the University of Pittsburgh in the early 80s. Originally, my training was in the repair of home entertainment equipment – two years at a Pittsburgh trade school between 1979 and 1981, with the job at Pitt to follow from 1981 through 1983. I left that in 1983 to pursue a degree in computer science between 1984 and 1988. Then, in 1988, moved to Ohio to work for a data packaging company, and have been with them ever since.

All college loans are paid off, and I maintain only one credit card account which has almost nothing charged on it. I am almost totally debt free, and for Y2K, my goal has been to be completely debt free. I think I’m going to make it.

I hold a Microsoft Certified Professional certificate. The requirements, In order to get it, involved demonstrating expert level skills in the planning for, installation, and support of the Windows 95 and Windows 98 operating systems. Am currently studying to pass the Windows NT 4.0 exam. That covers many Internet topics – how to network Windows computers together, using either modems or network cards on local area networks (LANs). In fact, I have a little LAN here at the apartment with three computers. One is the work machine, and the other two are set up as file servers. One of those has four 4.5 GB SCSI III disk drives that work very well when editing sound files – they’re quite fast with seven millisecond average access times.

Willing to relocate to be with my soul mate.

Writing a book that offers ways to people of modest means, charisma, disposition, social status, … to seek and achieve much more than modest fulfillment in their romantic relationships. In my mind’s eye, the book jacket appears to be a deep blue (almost violet) with metallic, vibrant blue, neon lettering, although its title is still a mystery. Roughly 200 pages have been written so far, and revised and revised and revised again! You know the routine. It will have diagrams, statistics, quotes from learned people in the subject, and probably will not be published until after I retire from computers. *smile* But an important dream for me is to indeed publish it.

I love almonds, black bean soup, pasta, vegetables, fruits, skim milk, rice and soy beverages, and lots of water. Taking 16-mile hikes thrills and inspires me. Movies are great on a rainy Saturday afternoon. And strolling through fragrant and colorful arboretums in the spring and fall? Nothing better.

I practice routine and order, but spontaneity has value also – when the routines become too monotonous. But generally, I’m a planner, enjoy looking forward to things, and don’t like last minute deviations. Although if circumstances warrant, will accommodate such changes if possible and not exceedingly costly.

I have no police record, am drug and disease free, no addictions or other forms of strong attachment to mere material things and substances. No smoking. Extremely rare social drinking. Credit is excellent. And, am on terms of civility with all ex lovers. Any hostilities and “baggage” were resolved and discarded long ago

I’m a useful handy man when it comes to computers, making household repairs, troubleshooting and implementing improvements to home telephone and cable lines, and I know electric lighting and wiring.

I keep a clean house, laundry, and body. The laundry is done every week or two, the house gets cleaned once a week and the body gets bathed once or twice a day. Have employed cleaning services for the past 8 years to help keep everything spiffy and sparkling.

Love to travel, EVERYWHERE, and have a current passport. I’m ready to travel abroad, when I find a companion to enjoy it with.

I am independent and financially self sufficient. Involvement with me will cost my soul mate nothing monetarily. I strive to never ask for loans or gifts. I just want to exchange understanding, passion, compassion, and truth – in short, I want to trade love.

I love and respect Mom and family, visiting them one or two weekends a month. A frequent dream: To introduce them to my soul mate, and show her (the soul mate) some Altoona hospitality. I help keep their home appliances running well (dryers, stoves, and anything of the hand held variety).

I am extremely affectionate, and love to kiss and hold hands several times each day. I communicate well, am in touch with my feelings and thus, know how to express them with little chance of misinterpretation. I am NOT the silent type and feel that “the silent treatment” is no way to resolve a conflict. Talking, debating, and talking some more are how you find that win-win solution that transforms the essential ability to compromise, from merely “making due” to basking in “stunning victory” for both. Finding what is best for all involved is paramount. There can be no mutual concern of greater importance than this, in a healthy, lasting relationship. Unlike football, where one team wins and the other loses, in order for the victory to be true in a romance, both must win. Not draw, not tie, not sudden death, but win.

Okay, I’m out of steam. So, going to say good night. Take care. Tell me more about you, Christina.

Later,
Tom Hesley