On My Vision
Hi [J].
Was working late tonight and got your email a few minutes ago. You know I really enjoy these writing challenges you’ve been offering. 
I feel like I’m in college again. But on to the business at hand.
On your speculation that my reduced vision had a big effect on my self esteem : Yes, it did, and does.
On your idea that if I had worked through all the issues surrounding it within myself that I’d have mentioned it earlier: Perhaps. Perhaps not. A problem like this cannot always be fixed by simply thinking the right way about it.
An issue of self esteem. Hmmmm. Well, you know, there are several schools of thought regarding when to tell someone about the visual challenge. And I have tried all of them. Let’s discuss two of them tonight.
At times, I’ve mentioned it right in my add. The theory behind THIS approach is that if you tell someone right up front, then you know immediately what their feelings are on it. If they continue talking to you and acting interested, then it is almost a sure bet that they have no qualms about it, and proceeding with the getting-acquainted process would pose little more than the usual emotional risk. But, on the other hand, if they back away, and their emails suddenly become much less frequent and shorter when they DO write, then you know that they have a fundamental problem with your condition that you would probably not be able to help them through anyhow. You know, in that case, that they lack sufficient compassion. For a number of years, I initiated relationships in just this way.
Another way of doing it, is to defer telling partners about it, until your dates know you well enough to have established some very positive feelings toward you. That way, in theory, your dates would be less likely to bolt once the whole truth was known. This approach recognizes the importance of making a good “first impression,” and how you rarely get a second chance to create one. Revealing “the bad stuff” too soon, before a sufficient amount of “the good stuff” has been exhibited, can create barriers in the others’ mind, and desensitize them to any additional positive qualities you might demonstrate to them. The thinking is as follows: “Hmm, lets see. If I can show here enough positive things about myself, maybe I can tip her scales of evaluation in the favorable direction. Favorable enough in fact, that when I reveal my impairment, it won’t matter so much, and she will still want to pursue a relationship.” I’ve used this approach often as well.
However, I am sorry to report that it is not clear, which technique is better for everyone concerned. I’ve spent years weighing the pros and cons of each approach. They’ve both produced some success. But neither one produces more success than the other. So, my current feeling is that which one you choose is pretty arbitrary You might as well go flip a coin to decide.
But, can a level of self-esteem in a person be inferred from which one of these approaches he chooses to use? In other words, is it a reasonable conclusion that if a person wears his entire heart on his sleeve right up front, that he has a more healthy self view than one who would choose not to reveal all details immediately? I do not think so, and offer my own life choices as examples. I believe my own self-esteem to be quite good. If it were not, if I really didn’t think that I was worthy of better treatment in relationships than what I was experiencing with Vicki, Karen, et al, then I would have continued “tolerating” their antics, their dishonesty and irresponsibility. I would have allowed them to continue hurting me. I might even be married to Vicki today if I were not graced with a good self opinion, and had the good sense to end our romance before it went too far.
As I see it, I have indeed worked through the important self esteem issues related to the poor eyesight. And yes, it was quite difficult growing up. I got the rocks thrown at me, the punches in the face, the rejections, and was painfully devastated by each and every incident. But once I learned that the approval of others has little effect on determining how truly happy one can be, life got lots better. Even in a romantic relationship, the object should NEVER be to get someone’s approval. Granted, approval is often a means to a greater end, and at times must be sought to achieve the true end objective. BUT, it must not become an end in and of itself…
I’m out of steam for now. More on this, later, perhaps.
