Dear Lynn: Independent Lovers?
Just responding to another piece of the letter you sent earlier.
Independent lives, yes. I firmly believe that people should always maintain their financial separateness, and that they should have their own careers. However, I suppose I’m looking for a lady who has a real desire to share her life with a male companion, and to give up SOME of her independence, and enter into ventures and arrangements with him, where the two depend on each other. She longs for some emotional support, someone to listen to her. She wants to help and listen also.
This notion of two independent people being independent together (seemingly a contradictory concept don’t you think?), has certainly inspired today’s writers in the pop psychology circles. Maybe that’s why it sells so well. Readers love irony after all. Seems that all a writer need do to sell lots of books in this area, is to espouse the notion that people can remain totally independent of each other, yet still enjoy all the fruits of a loving relationship. I have grappled with this idea over the years. And my current thinking is that in love relationships (as well as in business and friendship ones), one must devote at least some of his energies and behaviors to sustaining the relationship, to “being there” for the other. One cannot claim independence yet also claim to truly love another, in my humble opinion. Yes, a certain amount of freedom-of-choice vanishes once we enter healthy relationships. If we’re to remain cognizant of and demonstrate sensitivity to the others’ feelings, we cannot be totally free to do as we please. But I believe we’re dealing with a gray area here. Partners in a healthy association would be neither totally independent of, nor totally codependent on each other. But if you are so inclined, we can discuss this further, later. I’m running out of steam for now.
Have a good night and perhaps we’ll talk tomorrow.
