Tom's Love Quest

Dear   [Lynn],

Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. Sorry to hear about the storm. That storm was here over the weekend, they said on the radio. We had very high winds also and lots of power outages, and much rain. However, no hurricane force winds. Did your property weather the storm well? Much damage?

It seems like many guys are in my same boat – lots of them stand around the main dance area without dancing once the whole night. And, Bob, my new friend (one of Karen’s ex boyfriends) says he runs into the same difficulties.

You’re probably right. A safer place – one that facilitates more substantial conversation – might be less frustrating. I’ve done churches, bowling, radio clubs, singles and health clubs, et al, over the years. To date, I’ve not found what I’m looking for however. Churches are out because I don’t accept on faith their premises. And the ladies there are looking for good, Christian / Jewish men, not an agnostic like myself.

Singles clubs are out because they often attract excessively needy people. One club I was involved with in Dayton six years ago, for about a year, used to be attended by lots of people in psychotherapy. Their doctors would recommend that they attend this group. And I mean to tell you, there were lots of fruits there. Lots of good people there too. But no romance material.

And ironically, singles clubs are popular among people who enjoy being single and do not want to be involved romantically with anyone. You know, people who’ve been married, raised their children, and are now living for themselves and enjoying being alone.

I love bowling. But in the three years I did it here, most of the women smokerd, [were] already involved with someone else, or rather uneducated. Gosh I’m so picky, aren’t I.

But I like singles nights at book and grocery stores, though I never before had the courage to strike up conversations at these types of events. But after the experiences at Mike’s (the dance hall), conversation comes somewhat more easily. So this was not a total waste of resources, and the lessons learned should prove valuable.

Joining food coops or computer hot lines sound like they’d have possibilities. Will look into it. Philly has several LARGE computer organizations.

After watching folks move about the dance hall the past few days, it appears now that much of the dancing goes on between people who already know each other before they arrive. e.g. friends from work, neighbors, and the like. Difficult to tell for sure. But overhearing many conversations reveals that most of the people dancing are long-time friends, and not romantically involved. A woman named Brenda warned me to avoid that place if I wanted to do something other than dance or play games. Seems that she gave good advice.

You are also probably correct about the bar possibly being the wrong place to look. Chances are, most people there are drawn to people who behave like they hang out in bars. Loud and obnoxious. Just about all the women there smoke – which summarily rules them out for me as soon as I discover that. Bob says that ladies who don’t smoke generally don’t visit bars often. Interestingly, he was speculating the other day that we may be going to the wrong places.

I will, when next we go dancing on Wednesday, attempt to straddle the fence that separates timidity from obnoxiousness, and when told “no”, gently persist as you suggest. “Not even ONE dance?” Or how about, “You don’t want to dance? That’s okay. I’m not really crazy about it either but I do it to meet people. How about we talk and get acquainted, without dancing?”

There is more to say also. I’ll send it along as soon as the words come.

Thanks again. You’re a real gem. No, I’ve never gotten a “blue screen” from you.

Tom Hesley

This entry was posted on Monday, December 18th, 2000 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Acceptance, Advice, Aloneness, Attraction, Concepts, Desparation, Letters, Lynn, Special Ladies, Therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.