Dear [KC],
Hi again. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice when I visited the school the other day. Sure was good talking with you again. How bubbly and healthy you still are!!! Not that I expected any different, mind you. In that way, you’ve not changed one bit since we last talked in 1988.
You will always be my [favorite school] teacher. And as such, you will no doubt always seem wise and knowing about people and issues of the heart. You certainly were back in the mid 70s, and I suspect that you still retain this quality today as well, along with your zeal for living that has always distinguished you. What you say, I regard with great validity by default. You’re just so easy to trust. And I’ve rarely known you to ‘insist’ on anything without flawless reasoning to back you up. So, when you asked me to contact [First Love] during my Pittsburgh visit, and then you insisted, this surprised me and I thought that if you were asking this with such urgency, that I had better review my position and make sure I understand it very well before telling you “No, I can’t do that.” So, for that reason, I feel I owe you a response, to your ‘gentle nudging’ for me to call [her] this week.
I did not call her [while out there]. Why? Several years ago, I became familiar with the notion of “destructive behavior” and how people who engage in it, sabotage their chances to realize true happiness and fulfillment before their “end of the line” reaches them. We’ve all done things that, in retrospect, can be deemed destructive to our purposes here. I am certainly no exception. As I began assessing my own past, it quickly became clear that among the longest-running, most destructive behaviors I’ve exhibited in my life, involved our mutual friend, [First Love], and my school-boy crushes and obsession over her. Given what I have written below, I trust that it will become clear why further unsolicited contact between myself and [she], initiated by me, can only be deemed destructive, and thus, must be fervently avoided.
[In my opinion, [First Love] has willfully and repeatedly made herself unavailable for friendship with those of us from her past, at the school. For over a decade now, going on two, she makes little or no effort to keep in touch with any of us ([Mentat], [Tad], Rich, [Z], Deb, et al). Business dealings excluded of course.
When we call he [for personal matters], she’s evasive, busy, and has trouble reminiscing and acknowledging her parts of the memories that the rest of us treasure. She has extricated herself effectively and completely from our community, and apparently feels no remorse for this, nor is she looking back. She’s gone.
Though outward appearances would indicate that [she] has indeed turned gay, I suspect that her relationship with [Zacca] is symbiotic in nature, and perhaps even codependent, cemented with wrong reasons, in my opinion. It is not healthy. [Zacca] is the proverbial brawn (the “male”) in their “family unit,” while [First Love] is the brain (“female”). [Zacca] does the grunt work to enable [First Love] to pursue her dreams of owning a business and functioning excellently in mainstream society – driving her around, reading her mail, applying [her] make-up each morning, and so on. In return, [First Love] gives [Zacca] direction and purpose, and the sexual companionship for which she longs ([First Love] admitted the sex part to me a few years back and I’m filling in the rest). Further, [Zacca] is a very jealous woman. I believe that she has intercepted voice mail and email which I have sent [First Love] over the years (perhaps at [First Love's] direction even), and conveniently forgets to tell [First Love] that I called when I talk with her live.
[Zacca] has become [First Love's] protective barrier between today and her past. A gatekeeper if you will. She thwarts our efforts to stay in touch with [First Love], and may squelch or discourage [First Love] from contacting us. Years ago, I grew weary of trying to pass through this gate.
[First Love] has little in common with the rest of us these days, and we cannot help her when she wants no help. She has entrenched herself in her quests for property acquisition, running her business, and “fitting in” to the mainstream. [Zacca] is her bunker and body guard, and wants nothing to do with us.
[First Love] has become a person I no longer know. [First Love] [is] a stranger who, in the light of objectivity, appears [to me to be] rather calculating and manipulative, and perhaps too self-serving. Since I tend to be more motivated by emotion than self-serving logic, I’ve accepted that [First Love] and I are hopelessly incompatible as lovers, as friends, or even as mere acquaintances. We just can’t relate anymore.
You see now, why I could not comply with your request to call her. [KC], I loved [her] for a very long time. In fact, I still might, even today. But pursuing romance, a casual friendship, or even just a talk once a year with her, causes much more pain than pleasure, and has almost always been very one-sided, with me on the short end. No more black holes. Also, it would not be fair to the ladies who grace my love life from time to time, to maintain communication with someone who had such a profound romantic effect on my life in the early years. I have sworn off of my self defeating behaviors surrounding [First Love]. Thus, calling her, was impossible. I’m very sorry that I could not head your well-intended advice. But sometimes, people change so radically that even the commonality of shared past experiences cannot bridge the resulting gaps left by the changing.
You should know though, that [she] appears healthy, happy, and living her version of the American Dream, and doing quite well. None of us begrudges her that and I wish her well with all my heart. Apparently, she is done what she wants to do, and as an important force in [First Love's] adolescent life, you should be very proud of her and your contributions to her present-day success, that you made so long ago.
Tom Hesley
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