Tom's Love Quest

Dear   [Vee],

Right. We need to talk on the phone about this [her visit] to plan, Etc.

Tom

Dear   [Vee],

I’ll call you shortly.

[Vee's step dad is going into surgery shortly. Don't know for what though.]

Best wishes for success to him [your step dad], and your mom.

Oh my. [Vee says she recently had a nervous breakdown.] Hope you’re doing better. Breakdowns take a long time to recover from. Hope you give yourself the time you need.

I’m free on the 8th of May, if you want to come [for a visit]. What time would you get here? [Around 1-ish?]

Tom

Dear [BB],

[Here I am, playing therapist again.]

Don’t misunderstand. I have nothing against [that guy you like] per se. I’d warn you to stay away from ANYONE who does not return your loving feelings and acts of affection, whether it would be [that guy you like], or the president of the USA.

I don’t feel that [that guy you like] is a bad person. He’s just behaving like most anyone would, who is not in love. Not his fault. Not yours either. Since so many factors in love are beyond our control, a person cannot make him/herself fall in love. This is one reason why so many poets, songwriters, and people in general consider falling in love so magical. It’s a blessing perhaps, a gift from the universe if you will. That is to say that Love is bigger than the people who bask in it, as neither one can take credit for making it come or go.

You may be able to be friends with [that guy you like] someday. But it would be best to wait until you’re completely out of love with him before you try. And this can take many years sometimes. I had to avoid my   [first love]   for close to a decade after we broke up, before I could be her friend.

But even then, it was rough because I was still attracted to her, and she to me a bit. If there was intimacy, that history makes friendship even harder.

So, often, it’s just better to let someone go for good. None of us is so unique that we cannot be replaced. That is, you either have, or certainly will make many male friends in your life. In a few years, [that guy you like] will seem like a distant memory once you know some other fellows.

Later,
Tom Hesley

Dear [BB],

[Give up that guy you like, and take up with me!]

Well, I’d strongly suggest that you move on and forget about [that guy you like]. Hard to do when you’re in love, I know. But in the long run, you’ll save yourself lots and lots of pain and disappointment.

I fell into the trap of trying to make my   [first love]   fall in love with me, pursuing her on and off for seven years (through grade school and high school). Then, finally, when she appeared to warm up to me, I felt overjoyed, yet couldn’t be sure if she was being sincere or not. After all, how could someone be so disinterested for seven years, and then all of a sudden, become very interested. It turned out that she had been hurt badly by her first love (the guy deserted her after getting her pregnant), and she was looking to me for comfort. She felt very comfortable around me, as I had been so nice to her for so many years. But all the “niceness” in the world does not, in and of itself, buy true love. And her reasons for loving me, noble as they were, weren’t right. True, I finally got her into my house and bedroom. But it didn’t last. She never really loved me passionately, and I, sensing this on a subconscious level, could never trust her. We were doomed to fail.

Her love was an act of willpower. That is, she willed herself to love me. But passion she had not. The passions of true love require no will to flourish. They’re just there, never forced to come. And generally speaking, waiting around for them to arrive yields little lasting reward. You cannot coax or manipulate someone into loving you and expect to get genuine love as a result. Forced feelings aren’t really feelings at all. Oh you might get them to behave, as you would have them behave (showing you through action that they love you), for a time. But this is just not real and is worth very little.

Desire and willpower are two very different sources of motivation. And it’s impossible for a person (in my humble opinion) to will himself to passionately love another. Willpower can work for a little while, but true, two-way chemical desire, is what really makes relationships last for years, helping people to be more tolerant of each other’s idiosyncrasies, and making it easier for them to get along without nasty fights.

Relationships are not about trying to get someone to do or feel something that they do not already. But more on that another time.

There. You have a taste of some of the things I’ll be writing about in my books.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Therapy Session: 2009-02-21

Dear [BB],

Happy birthday! I had several life-changing experiences when I was 19. Perhaps you’ll find that age as challenging and broadening as I did. That was the year I moved in with my   [first love]. Need I say more?

Mom always remembered to call me on my birthday, but Dad never did. He probably just figured that Mom would take care of it. And, he was right.

Congratulations on securing the PennDOT job. Will you be here by Memorial Day? If not, then we’ll probably see you around the 4th of July. Christine always has pool parties going on. Perhaps you’ll attend one or more of them.

[Mar] and her daughter [...] (I assume you know who they are) are coming in from Ohio this weekend for a few days. They’ll probably be staying with either Christine or Jojo.

Well, to work with me. Talk to you later.

Tom Hesley

Dear   [BB],

Cool. It will be nice seeing you around this summer, and next year.

Do you like to walk? I really enjoy walking and biking.

What is your last name? I wanted to make a mail folder for you and I file these folders by peoples’ last names.

No, you need not know right now what you want yet. Until you find out, allow yourself the opportunity to experience many different people before deciding on the type of person you desire in your life. You may discover that you like qualities that you would never have considered before. And, you may find that you hate things that you thought before that you’d like. Or, if nothing else, the experiences will reaffirm your commitment to what you always thought you wanted, and teach you to quickly identify and then steer clear of qualities that you don’t. Good luck in the search.

Later,
Tom Hesley

Dear   [Vee],

All is well. Keeping busy working on the house here. Glad you’re okay.

Tom

Dear   [BB],

Yes, you are SOOOOOOOO young. People are living so much longer these days. So really, there’s no need to rush into commitment until you’ve gotten yourself established in a career and you have a workable income. Besides, the road between here and there will lead you through experiences that will help you to more clearly understand what you want from life, and a mate. Tying one self down before this becomes clear is a reason why so many people divorce pre maturely. Doesn’t always happen that way though. Many people, who get married at 18 years of age, stay together for their entire lives. So each person must make up his / her own mind as to when the best time to marry is, if ever at all.

You’re moving back? Wow. You must really miss this place. When are you doing that? After this school year?

Easter was fun, and very filling. We ate lots of good food, and I’ve got a couple weeks of work to lose the weight I picked up last weekend.  

Well, I have to get to work. So take care. More later.

Tom Hesley

Dear   [BB],

Welcome back. I heard that you were in for a short time this weekend. Hope that visit was nice for you and that you and [that guy you like] enjoyed some good time together. How was the CA trip?

Later,
Tom Hesley