Love At First Sight Rules!
Dear [Melinda],
I’ve been wondering how you’re doing and where you are these days. It’s been eight years since we first met, and five since we talked last. It seems like just yesterday that we had that tiff that separated us and has kept us apart to this day. Then, I was eager for you to visit me in Philly and to show you my new home. You seemed interested too. Remember? We spent hours on the phone planning your visit. But within days of the trip, I couldn’t reach you, and had left several messages for you to call me back. But you didn’t. Your visit, as you know, never occurred. When, finally, you did call some three days later, we argued. Boy, did we argue!
You criticized my temper, saying that because I wouldn’t understand how you could stand me up like that, that I was being unreasonable. But you never told me beforehand that you weren’t coming. “People are busy these days,” you said. “Things come up. Often, plans don’t go as planned and you should accept that, Tom.” I accused you of being thoughtless. You said that if I wasn’t so needy, I’d not expect women to be at my beck and call so much. I said that you should have gladly called prior to canceling. This is just common courtesy. And on and on it went, for several minutes. Finally I asked that we not talk again, as our values appeared grossly incompatible. I wanted to avoid hurts like this in the future. You angrily agreed. We hung up then, nothing resolved really except that we both were certain that we’d never speak to each other again. And we have not.
But since then, I’ve wondered if ending our association was really necessary, and frequently regretted that had become so. Sometimes I reminisce and get a chuckle over our nice memories. Do you remember how we met? I got a call from a college buddy in early 1995 that I hadn’t seen for seven years. He said that he wanted to visit this terrific lady he’d been talking to on the Internet. That lady was you, and as it turned out, you lived less than a mile from me. So I invited him to come stay at my house while he got to know you in person. It was nice to see him again, and after he talked of you for over an hour, I grew curious about you myself. But it wasn’t until two days into his visit that I got to meet you. The two of you visited me one night. We stayed up into the wee hours, watching Casablanca, and after the movie, he and I amused you with our college stories.
The instant I saw you, I thought how unfair fate was. Why couldn’t I have met you before him? You and I lived so close together after all. But he lived hundreds of miles away. You were beautiful and I wanted you in a minute. But I knew my place given the circumstances. He liked you, and since he found you first, I kept my feelings quiet, encouraging you two to get together. He mentioned you often, asked my advice, and wondered about how he would overcome the distance barrier. I said that if the two of you clicked, you’d find a way.
He left for home a happy and assured man, and as far as I knew, he and you would become an item in short order. So I thought no more of it.
A month passed, and I kept busy with work and household chores. Imagine my surprise at your call. My heart skipped several beats when I got home from shopping, and there, on my answering machine, was a message from you. You said that you and my friend had stopped dating, and asked if, since you and I lived so close, we might hang out together now and then. I was so excited! “Yes, yes!” I said when I called you back. Our friendship was born.
We met at least once a week during the first half of 1995. At first I could not have been happier. I loved eating out, walking in the woods, going to movies, and watching TV together. For the first time in years, I was not lonely. You were a kind friend and I loved how you’d check that the salt and pepper were in my reach when we dined, and the way you used to fuss at me to wear my hat when going out into the cold.
As the weeks passed, I felt closer to you and less afraid to reveal my crush. But then one night, as I hugged you goodbye for perhaps a few seconds too long, you scolded me, declaring that you weren’t ready for a relationship. Ouch! Yet I was consoled by the notion that we had only known each other a couple months. So I figured that a little more time would bring you around. While I believe that love at first sight (LAFS) is perhaps the healthiest basis upon which to build a romance, I recognized that it doesn’t happen for everyone that way. You did not feel as strongly for me as I did for you, at least, not then. So I apologized and agreed that “just friends” for the time being was fine. Though I wanted more, I did not want to lose you. I did not push the issue therefore.
Two more months passed. We continued our friendly get-togethers. But I still wanted more. The urgency of getting more, steadily increased. We cooked meals on weekday evenings. We shopped on weekend afternoons. We walked around the village as the weather warmed. You’d often call, just to see how I was doing. You grew to see me as a close friend, and to trust me a great deal. Remember you had to take that business trip and needed someone to feed your cat while you were gone? You gave me your house keys so I could do that for you. You trusted me in your home without you there, and I was honored to visit your kitty, hoping that I was paving solid inroads into your heart. I believed I was meeting some of your needs at least, and that gave me a bigger rush than you could imagine. I loved you by then, and knew it because I truly enjoyed doing for you and helping you out, as much as I would have enjoyed you doing for me. It didn’t matter that you weren’t returning my romantic feelings because I felt so happy to be as close to you as I was. I was tickled to be part of your close circle of friends. And that “high” was enough to justify continuing our friendship in spite of the fact that you wouldn’t kiss me. Even though I wasn’t getting much of what I wanted from you (your undivided love), I still experienced joy as just your buddy. To be useful to a woman I loved, made me feel so connected with the world, and you, even if I could not fill your romantic needs, and even if you didn’t want to fill mine.
Another month. Your employer announced that a layoff was coming, and that you’d likely be left go. Fortunately though, you found a job out west. But unfortunately, it was over a thousand miles away. I helped you get your condo ready for sale, and to that end, we painted the bathroom and I fixed the crooked cabinet doors in the kitchen. You seemed to enjoy my help, saying I reminded you of your handyman father. I hoped that during your remaining days in Ohio, we’d finally connect romantically. I didn’t care that you were leaving because a few weeks of romance was better than none at all. But, it was not to be.
In mid August, I got a male roommate — a guy from summer camp. The very night I introduced you two, you went on a date. And the next day, you called me, happy and quite taken with the fellow. He seemed to be your love-at-first-sight. But I was crushed. Not only had he caught your eye after just a day, I still hadn’t caught it after several months. You said that the date ended with an intense make-out session. Making out on the first date? I’d been trying to do that with you for weeks only to be told no at every turn. I could not win your affection even after becoming a close friend, therapist, handyman, animal sitter, and confidante. But he, after mere hours, was kissing you passionately. And you… You kissed him back, passionately! By then, I figured that I’d been a fool since spring; wasting my time on you and having my hopes dashed repeatedly. Yet I endured it all because of the irrational belief that, if I gave you enough time as just a friend, you would come to desire me as you did my roommate. But it never happened.
I don’t blame you for my agony as you and the roommate dated. I stood by, lonely, bidding the two of you farewell as you left on your dates, and greeting you upon your return. I’ve come to understand that my hurt feelings were my fault. After all, it was I who kept coming back for more. I hung around you for too long, and did too much for you without reciprocation. I mistook your trust and sporadic kindness as signs that you were slowly but surely falling in love with me. I ignored the early signs of your romantic disinterest, figuring that you would warm up eventually. If good things really do come to those who wait, then I’d be in for quite a treat one day. But what I wanted supremely — your love, your passion for me both physically and emotionally — never came. And as I waited, I hurt and cried. I questioned the rightness of love-at-first-sight. To me, you were an undisputed love-at-first-sight. And, I was justified to pursue you on the basis of that feeling. I was not shallow for this feeling, as you sometimes chided me for. My interest in making you my girlfriend appeared within seconds of meeting you, and was not the result of anything you did. It was nonetheless, a very deep, intense passion, and has certainly withstood the test of time. Even after eight years of knowing you, I find myself longing to re establish communication and try to win your heart again. Mistaken are those who say that a quickly-born passion will always be a short-lived one. “It won’t last,” they declare. “How could he know, within seconds, whether he was really attracted to her?” But they’re wrong. I did know, and to this day, still know, that if you had returned my affections, I would be a happy man and we’d be together.
I erred by ignoring the lack of love-at-first-sight feelings from you, dismissing the idea that romantic attraction is present at the start, or it never comes, no matter what I do or how much time I invest. If it were affected by time and effort, then given all that I gave you, you would have married me by now. While being patient, kind, forgiving, thoughtful, and caring may create feelings of trust and comfort, experience shows that these behaviors do not start romantic allure, at least not by themselves. I couldn’t make you love me passionately, no matter how devoted I was to the cause, no matter what I did for you, no matter how many hours I spent listening to you discuss your guy problems. I did all I could do, and I got tired.
You were right. At the end of our relationship, I developed a temper because it became difficult to tolerate your uncaring attitudes as I accumulated more and more disappointments. Did you expect that I would react with the same grace and restraint, the tenth time you broke my heart, as I did the first? You felt that I overreacted when you cancelled our get-together without telling me. It was clear after this, that I had failed to get you to love me. I was frustrated and felt cheated. How could my efforts have been so for-not?
Some of my core beliefs about how healthy relationships develop, were at that time nullified. To you, I was as loving and patient as possible. I offered you everything I had, waiting, wondering, and hoping all the while, that Cupid’s arrow would find you one day. But after three years of befriending, I realized that staying your friend meant I’d have to continue enduring these sorts of hurts, probably forever. You might never come around, and for as long as our friendship would last, I’d be stuck eating the crumbs of your affection while you served the main course to guys you liked more. Three years of that was enough. The cancelled visit was the hurt that forced me to accept that I could no longer put up with your excuses, and is why I grew angry that day in 1998, ending our association. Perhaps it seemed that I was overreacting to the single act of you silently canceling your visit. But I hope you realize now that this reaction was to all of your recklessness with my emotions, past and present.
As I said, I don’t blame you for my pain. If anything, I blame myself because I knew early on that I was not a love-at-first-sight for you. Yet I chose to keep pursuing you even though it hurt. If only I had paid more attention to the missing love-at-first-sight ingredient, I would have said “No” to your dinner invitations, and saved us both immeasurable torments. You wouldn’t have had to reject me so much as I tried to advance our friendship to romantic levels, and I wouldn’t have had to endure your rejections for so long.
You’re not responsible for finding me unattractive because we can no more control who we like, than we can will our heart to stop beating. It just wasn’t there for you, and that’s okay.
This experience along with others like it has made me into a real love-at-first-sight proponent. While I acknowledge that people do at times, fall in love only after years of knowing each other, I declare that it has never happened for me that way. I always ended up hurt when standing in line, waiting, as I did with you. Studies indicate that people at large, feel that the best love relationships start out as long-running friendships, slowly growing into romance, going steady, and eventually, culminating in marriage. But with divorce rates these days at higher than fifty percent after just five years of wedlock, I think they have it all wrong. I’m not convinced that this waiting period is a necessary ingredient for successful romance, though it precedes romance at times. In fact Melinda, our relationship shows the pitfalls of waiting more than a couple weeks for a heart to open. After all, I was more sad than happy during our waiting period; especially after your dating escapade with my roommate. At the end, I got angry with you for making me wait so long, and then offering none of your love in return.
Now that we’re not talking, what do I have to show for my efforts? Nothing. Nothing at all. You’re gone. This is what my failure to recognize the essential role of love-at-first-sight, has done to me. My fault. I will never again wait for romance to blossom. With you, waiting too long was my big mistake. It was mine, and mine alone. Not yours. So I wish you well, Melinda. I’m not mad at you these days, and understand that you just weren’t motivated toward romancing with me. Your lack of caring was not something you did on purpose. You were just being honest, and I respect you for that. Though it hurt , I rather you behave as you did, and am glad you did not pretend to like me. I want you to find a love-at-first-sight who also thinks of you as his love-at-first-sight. Wonderful relationships are less built than discovered. All the best, and perhaps, in another life, you and I can try again.
I love you,
Tom Hesley
October 23rd, 2011 at 11:42 am
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