Get Them Before They Get You
[Tina],
Remember our talk about fears of rejection? You said that in order to avoid hurt when meeting new people, you often snub them before they reject you, even though you like them. I disagreed because I couldn’t imagine turning away an attractive lady just to protect myself, losing a great opportunity as a result. But thanks to a shopping trip today, I now realize what you meant, and that I often behave the same toward the people I meet.
Here’s what happened. At check out, a gorgeous cashier flirted while ringing me up. Opening with a smile, long eye contact, and an inviting voice, she asked how I was. But immediately, that familiar fear of rejection silenced me. I thought, “Her interest is only professional. No way is she flirting with me. I’m a customer after all, and she’s just being polite to that customer. Professional courtesy. No more. Rest assured, she treats all patrons this way,” I thought. “Nothing special about me. Besides, her love rejection would really hurt because crushes make me extra vulnerable, and I’ve got a big crush on her right now. So I’d best end this before she does.” “Fine,” I croaked, my drab reply carrying none of the playfulness of her flirts. I so wanted to return her interest, but couldn’t, not even a smile. I had to avoid giving her any cause whatsoever for rejecting me, even if that meant not talking to her at all, even if that meant rejecting her.
At my curtness, her grin changed to an indifferent stare. Sounding more mechanical than before, she read my grand total like she was coming off a twelve-hour shift, and anxious to go home, all pleasure gone from her voice. By not flirting back, I effectively rejected her despite my crush.
Wheeling my cart to the car, regretting, I wondered why fear had forced me to act so coldly to someone wanting to meet me, and who I wanted to meet too. I felt I had just self destructed, at its hands. Damn.
It’s clear that weak self confidence burned me here. The uncertainty that she’d be nice if I flirted back, kept me non responsive. I acted disinterested, not because she bored me, and not because I was playing hard to get. Rather, it was to hide dismaying things she’d surely reject me for if she learned of them. It was to guard against hurt. The more conversation I figured, the sooner she’d spot my “flaws,” and run away. But it was precisely more talk I wanted though I behaved otherwise. Fear therefore, forced me to act involuntarily dishonest. Though I try never to deceive, I did deceive. In this way, fear sabotaged my own integrity.
Finally, I rejected her because she was extraordinarily beautiful, not because she was unsightly or plain. Ironic isn’t it, that even when a pretty girl invited me to play, I couldn’t be bothered. She made the first move, yes. Yet I still flinched at the thought of talking to her. However, though I lost this particular girl, thanks to your insight Tina, I’m less daunted by the threat of rejection now. Before today, rejection meant only one thing to me; that the rejecter didn’t like me, period, and that I should never try her again. But now, another possibility looms. She may reject me, because she likes me. Certainly the way I acted hid my true wishes, leading her to think that I disliked her, though I liked her a lot. Perhaps ladies do likewise. Maybe some of those who turned me away over the years, actually liked me and were just protecting themselves, as I was with the cashier. Believing this helps fret less over the rejection threat. Nor does a “not interested” response hurt as much these days. In fact, at times the prospect of love rejection draws me toward it because of its potentially positive meaning. This notion makes it easier to take rejection with a grain of salt and to pursue my love dreams more effectively, and honestly. Thanks again.
Your friend,
Tom Hesley
