Tom's Love Quest

Stacy,

It’s Tom from LavaLife (box 1766). I left you a message there. Check it out.

Take care of yourself,
Tom

[This lady didn't like how much older than her I am. So I responded as follows:]

No problem. Thanks anyway. But consider. Once we’re adults, age is really just a number. I could keep up with you.

Later,
Tom Hesley

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[I asked this one if she's care to get acquainted. She said, "No, I don't..." So I responded as follows:]

Thanks anyway.

Tom Hesley

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Dear Susan,

Are you still there? Did I scare you so much that you can’t reply at all?

Tom Hesley

[This lady declined my offer to get acquainted, sayiing tht she didn't feel that there would be "the right" connection between us. So I responded as follows:]

No problem. Thanks anyway for writing back.

Tom Hesley

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[LizDee],

Sorry I didn’t respond to your IM last night. I had gone to bed around 10:00 but forgot to log out. Easy to do with a high-speed Internet connection because it stays connected all the time. But I was not ignoring you.

Even if we had talked, what would we have said? What happened between us still hurts, and I’m still reeling at how abruptly you turned against me and shut down those all-important lines of communication.

In some ways, It would be nice to be your friend again. But it’d be hard to trust you. I’d worry that I couldn’t share my soul without you taking it personally and turning your back on me again. And from what I’ve seen, you have a pattern of getting people to open up, then using what they share against them. Example: I said I didn’t like to be hung up on, and then you did just that, in the same phone call.

I told you I find thin ladies particularly attractive. And you wondered what would happen to us if you got fat, implying that you thought my preferences shallow. It was as though you were judging me for what I like.

Do you control what you like? Think about it. You told me that you find men with lots of muscle in their upper torsos very sexy. Now could you easily decide that you don’t like that upper body definition? Probably not, ‘eh? Whatever it is that turns us on about the opposite sex is made up of a complicated set of variables. Everything from genetics to cultural influences to how we each were raised affects it. Most of these are beyond our control. In my experience, we humans don’t choose what we like.

Yes, we do choose from all those things we want, which ones to pursue. That is, we select which of our desires we’re actually going to put energy toward fulfilling. But the desires and preferences themselves? No, we generally don’t choose those.

Some philosophers disagree, arguing that with some effort, we can learn to like things that we did not originally like. Some people even claim to have done this. But in my view, this generally does not happen. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just improbable. As Frank Zappa used to sing, “You are what you is.” Our desires are automatic and not easily changed. So you had no business putting me down for being drawn to thin women.

You don’t have much faith in the notion that a man could stay interested in you, do you?

But these aren’t wounds that I’m expecting you to heal, although an apology from you would go far toward starting the healing process. They might heal, without the apology. But that would take years.

How two people fight is just as important as how they get along. Well, we got along wonderfully. But we didn’t fight very well. That probably means we’re not suited for one another.

Anyway, I should stop now. As you can see, my heart still aches for you It is healing, albeit slowly.

Good luck in whatever you do. You deserve a happy and successful life after all you’ve been through.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. But given how I feel, it will be hard to initiate conversations. If you want to talk, at least for a while, it will be up to you to start the communications.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

Hi Susan.

Before we talk on the phone, I wanted to make sure you’ve read my entire profile on match.com. In it, I mention that I’m vision impaired and describe the nature of that limitation. I have a fair amount of sight — I read print, am a computer expert with twenty years experience in software engineering, and love watching movies and the stars on a moon-free, clear night. So I am by no means blind.

However, I cannot drive a vehicle, and thus, would never be able to chauffeur you around. You’d need to do the driving if we end up going places that don’t have public transportation.

If this doesn’t bother you, then yes, I’d love to chat further. But If it does, please know that I fully understand and don’t blame you. It bothers many, so you would not be alone.

It takes a slightly more giving person than is normal to enjoy a relationship with someone handicapped, and I’d never judge anyone negatively if they decided they weren’t “big enough” to take on that challenge. If my weak eyesight troubles you, I’ll gladly leave you alone, without grudges. But I hope you don’t mind it though.

Let me know,
Tom Hesley