Consoling Ann
I had two gigs this weekend – yesterday and today, and this is why I haven’t responded before now.
I think I know what I’ve “done to you.” And I don’t take it lightly. It took me a week or two to finally make the decision to back away. I agonized over that choice, but eventually realized that backing away was indeed for the best.
I believe I explained why I did it as best I can. I wasn’t feeling attracted to you romantically – that is, I felt nothing more than a close friendship. There was no electricity, no warmth in the loins when your image came to mind. That, which I felt thirty years ago, is nowhere to be found, and it wouldn’t be fair to you to escalate our relationship further without those feelings.
Given how you were starting to get very attached to me, I deemed it necessary to get away before your feelings got any stronger. Like I said on Friday, there’s never a good time to end a relationship, whether sooner or later. Someone’s always going to be hurt and feel cheated and betrayed.
I’m sorry that happened to you. But you’ve had your share of guys whom you’ve rejected, I’m sure.
I thought when we first started talking that there might be a chance for us to connect. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have talked to you at all. But I learned that this was not the case in the months following that first conversation.
Also, as I said, I can’t say for sure if [your daughter's] unstable, threatening, and violent behavior and your excess weight are the only factors that led me to making the only choice that I honestly could – to back away from you. But yes, I do believe these were the biggest factors.
I am not mad at you. But I don’t feel that talking about this anymore will help anyone. You’ll only get madder and more hurt, and I’ll get aggravated if you keep bothering me. It’s over. Accept that, and move on. You don’t seem to have any trouble finding guys who are interested in you. So go meet some. Please.
I never intentionally led you to believe there was more between us than I felt. I never kissed you on the lips, never had sex with you, never touched your private parts, never gave you any romantic gifts or money, and never referred to you as “my girlfriend” either in public or private.
Clearly, we didn’t talk often enough about where our relationship was going. Whose fault is that? It’s either no one’s, or it’s both of ours. You might have asked me earlier how I was feeling about you. But you never did that I can recall. I tried sending you subtle signals that I wasn’t ready to move to the next level, when I denied you permission to come and visit me. I was not ready for my family to see you, because they’d assume that I was serious about and committed to you, which I was not. I never sent you love cards or flowers, and never talked to you romantically after we saw each other at the alumni weekend.
You are not hearing me. I told you that the conversations with “the other woman” never got serious until about a week ago. Before then, I had no idea she was interested in me, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about her. Before last weekend, there wasn’t anything to tell you. If anything, I’m guilty for keeping quiet for a grand total of about five to seven days.
I am taking precautions with her, to be safe. Actually, She’s coming here for our first meeting. I’m not going to Pittsburgh. At least, not yet.
On the computer: I don’t know what to tell you. I would fix it for you, and still will if you want to ship it to me. Or, perhaps [C] will help you. I will talk to [C] about your computer and explain to her what I did. Knowing that, she should be able to help you fix it. You’ll probably need your Windows Millennium CD ROM. So have it ready.
I’m worried about coming to see you in person to fix it right now. Why? The references you made in your emails over the weekend about “doing something stupid” but you couldn’t because you had to be there for [your daughter], suggest that this experience has rocked your own stability. I wasn’t sure if you were talking about doing something to yourself or me. And since you’ve said several times now that you’re really “pissed off” and “angry” at me, I’m no longer comfortable being alone with you. I think that seeing you with your wounds open would be a bad idea.
I suggest you talk with a therapist, and show him / her this letter if you’re having suicidal thoughts or you feel that you need to better understand what happened between us. I can’t help you understand it anymore than I already have.
Oh, and whether or not things work out with this new woman, the reality is that I’ve made the right decision, regardless. It took bumping into her to make me realize that our relationship was not where I wanted to be, and probably never will be. I didn’t give you up for her. I gave you up for me. She just helped me to realize that that is what I needed to do.
Besides, there’s no going back now. We can’t undo what’s already happened. Can you honestly say you could trust me again if I came back, saying that I want you to be my lover as I did thirty years ago? If I were in your shoes (and I have been many times over the years), I wouldn’t trust me.
I’m glad I made you happy. But it sounds like you may depend on others too much for your happiness. You’ve made what I believe to be the right decisions regarding sending [your daughter] away. Now, muster your own adult strength, and follow through. You can do this on your own. You don’t need a man to prop you up. Whether or not I was in your life, something had to be done about [your daughter]. So follow through and keep your chin up.
Keep in mind that no one is responsible for your emotional well-being except you. I never told you I wanted to be responsible for keeping you happy. So please don’t resent me for deciding now that I don’t want to do that anymore.
Being friends right now, or in the near future would be difficult. You would only get more hurt, and I won’t have the time to maintain such a friendship, if things take off with this new lady. We’ll still see each other at the board meetings and alumni activities. But we won’t be talking every day anymore, or even every week. Sorry if that hurts, but this is the way it’s got to be. Hopefully, you’ll understand that someday. Find someone else to talk with each night if you really like doing that. I’m sorry, but that time on my calendar is reserved for someone else now.
I don’t believe I’m shallow because I desire thin women. You say you’re the same person you were thirty years ago, se for the doubling of your body weight. But to me, that’s a big change. Your slender legs back then were probably what made me lust for you so as a teenage boy.
I seem to be wired on a very basic, almost instinctual level to respond sexually to tall, thin women. I can’t turn it on or off at will. It just comes when I see a “right” person. I’m full of regret that that “right” person turned out not to be you. But what would you have me do? Deny my own desires, just so you can have me for yourself? Isn’t that being selfish? There’s nothing wrong with me the way I am. Lots of ladies do take my breath away. Unfortunately, you’re just not one of them anymore.
Responding to some of the other points you made in previous emails: I don’t fear serious relationships. In fact, I long for them every day, with a “right” person. I’m by no means a confirmed bachelor. I just haven’t been lucky enough to connect with my dream girl yet. And, I’m content to wait for her for the rest of my life if it takes that long. But I won’t settle for less than the best, just because of the looming threat of being alone forever. That doesn’t scare me anymore. I’m comfortable with the prospect. Life could be so much worse than living it alone.
You should probably delete my poem. Or at least, put it where you won’t be likely to read it for a very long time. Reading it now will only enflame you further, and I don’t want that.
On giving our relationship a “fair” chance: What do you want? I gave it two to three months, and the feelings just weren’t coming. Sorry if that distresses you. But that’s the sheer truth. I found I just couldn’t love you the way you want.
I care very much that you’re hurt. But given the circumstances, there’s nothing I can do about it for you. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions, and not delegate that to anyone else.
About the chat line: Be aware that I’ll probably call in from time to time. I’m sure [that the gang there] will be curious about what happened from my perspective. Or perhaps they won’t. Whatever, I don’t really care. I did what I had to do in order to safeguard my own happiness. You and our mutual friends will need to accept that, or I will have to find new friends.
Well, there really isn’t anymore to say. I’ll talk to [C] about your computer and will figure out how to instruct you on fixing it. But I really don’t want to talk about our relationship anymore. Okay?
Take care,
Tom Hesley
