Tom's Love Quest

Hi [Nazda].

Yes, the letters are a great way to learn about each other and our cultures.

I wonder how many hours difference our local times are? What time did you send me your last letter on Saturday? It got here at 8:00 in the morning, local time (Eastern Standard Time).

Your coin story is neat. In fact, the house I live in right now used to belong to my grandparents. I remember them babysitting me as a little boy. To pass the time, they’d let me play with their coin collection. They had lots of silver dollars and fifty-cent pieces, dimes, nickels, and quarters. Back then, in the 60s, the stairs to the second floor were not carpeted and they had little cracks where the risers met. One day, I discovered that it made a neat sound to drop coins through the cracks and listen to them click and roll along the support boards under the steps, until they reached the bottom. I know I put quite a few of them down there and I’ve been tempted lately to pry up the bottom step to see just what’s in there.

The dream you had sounds wonderful and one worth recreating in reality. I too have dreamed often of walking along some body of water with the lady I love. Sometimes, that dream makes me feel so good. At other times, upon waking, I find myself crying because it hasn’t become reality yet – at least, never for very long. Many dreams are bitter-sweet. And this is one of them.

[...]

Well, take care, and hope to hear from you soon.

Tom Hesley

Hi again, [Nazda].

The weather here today is very cold but sunny. Temperature went down to -18 degrees C last night. Not going to be too much warmer today, although things will warm up over the weekend. We have about 5 inches of snow on the ground right now.

I am doing very well. I’ve been busy assembling more audio cables for the DJ business. Finished them today, and now I’m working on some new software for the music computers. I keep busy.

What was it about my profile specifically, that caught your eye? Why did you pick mine over the other American men’s you looked at?

I like the way you write English.

I like all the seasons, I suppose. Although my two favorite ones are spring and fall. Summer can get too hot, and winter can get too cold. But really, I like them all. Variety is the spice of life, as they say. So I don’t think I’d like to live somewhere where the climate stays the same all year round.

I like animals. Two cats live here, named Baby and Jasper. Cats are my favorite ones. Not crazy about most dogs, although small dogs are kind of cute and cuddly. Yes, seeing your cat someday would be wonderful. I’ve never traveled to Russia or anywhere outside North America for that matter, although I do have my passport, just in case an opportunity arises.

I don’t follow any sport closely, although it’s fun watching football with friends all gathered around the TV. But since I don’t drink, most parties like that I avoid, ’cause people get so crazy and loud who do drink. I like it quiet. I like playing pool, swimming, and lifting weights. My favorite pastime is hiking around a new city or forest.

I don’t know RHCP music or the Russian artists you mentioned. But I know the Scorpions, J-Lo, and Tony Braxton. I have much of their music in my DJ music collection. I like Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, and Aerosmith among others.

I love all the Star Trek movies, Ghost, Titanic, Ferris Buhler’s Day Off, Naked Gun, Bicentennial Man, and others. I have about 200 movies in my DVD collection.

On flowers: I like any that are bright or deep blue, like Morning Glories, petunias, purple tulips, and such. Hiacins are nice too, because they smell so wonderful.

I’ve only had a couple girlfriends. I just haven’t found my dream girl yet. But I know she’s out there somewhere. Wouldn’t it be something, if she turns out to be you. I don’t lie, and I’ll never be drunk around you. I promise. I’ll never cheat on my true love. I believe that when I find her, no other woman will impress me at all. That is to say, I don’t drink water, when I’m not thirsty. My dream girl will always keep my cup full of the best-tasting water available on the planet. So, I’ll never take someone else’s cup.

Well, I’m going to eat supper now. It’s 5:30 PM local time here on Friday evening. Not sure what I’m going to eat yet. But there’s a little convenience store across the street that has some great-tasting food. They should have something that peaks my interest.

Take care of yourself, and write again soon.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Nazda],

I work as a disc jockey. I have audio equipment that I take from party to party, playing popular music for the guests. Primarily, I play dance songs, but often get requests for classic rock and roll tunes. All my music is computerized, so I do not have to take records or CDs with me to the gigs. I also write the software that helps organize the music on the computers. I do about 1 to 2 gigs per month right now. I like working with the technology – computers and audio equipment, and I enjoy hearing the music I play.

I spend my free time watching TV, working around the house, organizing, and hoping that my dream girl finds me soon. I do not drink. Nor do I smoke or use drugs. I don’t really like the party or bar scene. Too smoky for me.

Sorry about your Mom. That would be rough for a girl to grow up without her mother.

I work from my home, generally. I travel within a radius of about 150 KM to the DJ gigs.

That’s an inspirational story about how your friend Gallina found her love in the US. Well, American men, some of them, are very nice. But others aren’t, so, as I’ve been told by ladies. So use caution in who you get involved with. Listen to your heart.

I don’t want children. But I am looking for someone to call mine.

To me, age is just a number. I don’t care if your 20 or 60. If we get along well, age doesn’t matter.

Well, I’m going to go and eat lunch. I love nuts, oranges, grapes, and lots of salads.

Take care of yourself, and I hope this letter finds you shortly.

Tom Hesley

Hi [Nazda].

Yes, I was wondering why you decided to respond to my profile.

I have a disc jockey business here, where I play music at parties, class reunions, and such. Yesterday, I was busy making up some audio cables for the microphones I use.

However, I’ve been nursing a wrist injury. I hurt my left wrist while lifting weights in November. They think it’s broken. So I have an appointment on 31 January with the orthopedist to figure out exactly what’s wrong with it, and hopefully, get it straightened out. I may have to have surgery on it. Not looking forward to that. But right now, it hurts almost all the time. So hopefully, the doctors can figure out how to fix it. At least, it doesn’t interfere with my typing.

How come you’re looking so far away to find a mate? Just curious. I look on the Internet because just about al the ladies I like who are near me, are married or have boyfriends.

A little more about me: My father worked on the railroad for his entire career. Unfortunately, he passed away in 1997 from bone cancer. He liked gardening and carpentry, and loved building decks for people locally. In fact, in some ways, he’s still here because the work he did on people’s houses is visible many places around town. Ironically, even though he and I weren’t that close, I still miss him today, almost eight years after his death.

Do you have a phone at your house?

From your description, you sound like a very sweet lady. Maybe too good to be true?

Well, I won’t write anymore right now, and will give you a chance to figure out everything I said. Write again, soon.

Tom Hesley

Hello again [Nazda].

Yes, I can understand you just fine.

I’ve never related with someone so far away before, and so I’m not sure how to proceed. But talking and getting to know each other seems like the right approach.

Yes, I can help you with your English if you like.

I live in Altoona, PA, in the USA. It’s about 176 KM northeast of Pittsburgh, and 320 KM northwest of Philadelphia. Not too far from Washington, DC.

Altoona is a small city, with about 70,000 people living in it. I live about 16 KM north of Altoona, near a little town called Bellwood. It’s very country-ish. Lots of trees around. My family lives in this area too. I have four sisters, and my mother.

My birthday is December 19th. This year, I stayed at home for it. I’m generally a stay-at-home kind of guy, although sometimes, I enjoy traveling.

My schooling has been in computer science and mathematics. Today, I’m a DJ, trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life.

I don’t want a long email relationship either. However, getting to know someone half way around the world takes longer than it would if they were close by. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’d like to talk to you more. You’re attractive and it’d be worth exploring this a little. It’s unlikely however, that I’d relocate to Russia. Just so you know.

Tom Hesley

Hi.

Just got your email. Thanks for the interest.

Yes, I’d like to see pictures of you. Send them along to me.

We’re just recovering from a big snow-storm here. About 10 ‘’ of snow fell over the past two days, and it’s cold!!! Brrrrr.

Anyway, write back soon,
Tom Hesley

I met this lady on the New York City LavaLife telephone outlet. Nice girl so far. We exchanged pictures and then phone numbers so far.

Tom Hesley

I could continue living here in Altoona. But now that I’m finishing my second year of my sabbatical, I feel drawn to reentering the game of productive living.

This interim however was good because I realized, thanks to the thousands of love rejections that I’ve received over the years, that most women find me unattractive. I’ve come to accept this as an inalienable truth of my existence, and there’s very little, if anything, that I can do about that. So encountering the fear of rejection as often as I have makes perfect sense.

Consider that since most women aren’t attracted to me, most will act put off by my approaches. Also consider that my fear level is like a gage that reads their level of displeasure as I move in. The more they dislike me and the closer I get, the more fear I feel. Fear represents a prudent sensitivity to their feelings, because it warns me to stay clear of those who consider me   the   reject. Through their body language, it knows what they’re feeling before they say anything. Thus, it saves them the torment of verbally rejecting me, and me the humiliation of being verbally rejected. So given this sensitivity, it’s natural that my approach anxiety would typically be high, as the odds that she’ll welcome my approach are, as experience shows, quite low. There is nothing irrational about this. So my being afraid of rejection is healthy and should not therefore, be vanquished. Thus I have now officially abandoned my efforts to get rid of this fear, because I   should   feel anxious about approaching women who wish that I would not approach them.

Further, I no longer feel compelled to try to   change her mind   when she rejects me; an exercise I feared intensely due to its implied assault on her freedoms of choice. I wish not to bully anyone into liking me. If they don’t do so of their own accord, then I don’t need them. So I accept that some women will always frighten me because most will simply never like me. These I should avoid. I should leave them alone as my fear advises, instead of defying that fear by bothering them.  I will always be somewhat afraid of rejection; especially chronic rejection.  The trick though is to find situations and people where this fear is reduced.  This happens in social environments where chronic rejection is less likely to happen.   

By accepting the fear, ironically, I have in fact reduced it.

Tom Hesley

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• Combating The Shame Of Rejection
• Necessary Verses Needless Rejections

I got two responses on the TP chat line today, which lifted my spirits. It’s funny how the numbers and types of responses affect my desire to keep questing. Since I’m feeling lucky today, I ought to extend my lady snare and register for more dating services.

But I’ll wait on this for the moment, because I’m already on three TP chat lines and three web sites. This may be enough, though I won’t know for sure that it’s enough until I have a supply of routine erotic encounters as well as long-term companionship. For now though, I’ll remain at my current questing level, and extend it later if my bed remains empty.

Almost every woman I contact thinks me a nuisance. They have said it. But a few have loved me. These still count, even if I do not want them.

So I’m not discouraged. As proof of that, I’m writing a new ad today. This time I’ll speak of Chocolate Knob and my wish to find a lady to walk up that hill with me. I’m not looking to carry her. But I’d be delighted to help her, if needed occasionally. On the whole though, she should be able to climb it beside me, without tiring too much.

Tom Hesley

I made enemies last year. Well, perhaps the word _enemies_ is too harsh. But four ladies are upset with me at present. [Emmy] is mad because of the perfectionist she says I am. Arrs feels the same, as does Lissdee. The fourth, the ballerina, stopped talking abruptly last October. So four women I dated in 2004 dislike me now, in 2005. This is not good. So perhaps I should change my approach?

But what would I do? I’ll better choose my women for one. If I more accurately considered them before they fell for me, I might avoid the guilt of hurting them should I discover a deal-breaker and leave. Last year, I waited too long to get out, and thus got too involved before knowing that there were no deal breakers, and that I’d really want to stay. So when I finally left, this hurt them a lot and shamed me too.

But as a result, I pick better since I’ve learned some great lessons on how to select dates well, from those four angry women. I know now that my dates must be tall, thin, and probably fair-skinned, not too needy, no drugs, no smoking, no drama, no manipulative lying, and they must satisfy my passions lovingly. If they don’t, then I’ll end it, pronto. No questions asked. I will not tolerate them hanging up on me or putting me down for what I like. They should respect me always and diminish me never. If they do? Then they’re gone.

I never want to hurt this many women in a year again, and I believe that choosing them more wisely to begin with, is the key.

Tom Hesley

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• Necessary Verses Needless Rejections