My Weakening Self Confidence
I know that the more attractive the woman, the more highly sought she is. More people want her, and I want what most everybody else wants. I want her too, and that that means competition. The prettiest women to me are also deemed as beautiful by other guys. So I agree with Darwin’s philosophy of natural selection, and accept that my tastes in women are like the rest of the American male population’s.
This fact makes my dream less likely to come true, because so many other more able people vy for the same from the same pool of exclusive women.
I’ve tasted this competition with [Emmy], when Bob L. pursued her while she was still with me. Fending off others just goes with the territory when we date beautiful women. Can I be comfortable with this?
Could I trust beautiful women knowing that guys would be after them constantly? I wasn’t that confident in [First Love], although I’d be better at trusting today. [Emmy] used to assure me that there was nothing going on with Bob L. Yet she cried the blues for him when he was hospitalized last year with the heart problems and kidney transplant. Her hysteria showed her true feelings. I remember that night she called, so upset. I knew that if there hadn’t been anything happening between them, that it’d only be a matter of time. Sure enough, a few months after she and I broke up, she picked up with him. Now, they’re going together. This makes the whole business of relationships seem dismal. Why must I repeatedly subject myself to this kind of hurt?
Are my dreams realistic? Will some woman out there ever like me, whom I also find irresistible? After all, beautiful women have been uncaring and condescending toward me over all. Again, the way life has turned out, Darwin’s rules seem to exclude me, as I’m reproductively disadvantaged. Perhaps this is why people resisted his theories. However, if I’m going to be dedicated to the truth as I must be, then I must concede that Darwin’s Rules of evolutionary psychology apply, and that I happen to be one disfavored by evolutionary forces. I’ve always felt less well received by others than I wished. Kids beat me up and teased me in school and kept me away from their circles of friends. Not everyone did this. Some (like Mark D. and Clydene N.) were my champions. But the ones I thought I could most enjoy pushed me away. I’ve tried so hard in so many endeavors to find acceptance from these women, and failed so often, that I think maybe it’s just not going to happen for me, especially now that, as noted earlier, I’m less willing to make sacrifices to make it happen.
I’m not eager to play house. It may evolve into that and if so, then I’d welcome cohabitation. Yet I don’t’ need to do that as long as I have her affection. But hey, will that ever happen? It’s like I said to Mom this past Christmas, that women I really want just don’t pay attention to me.
