Tom's Love Quest

Hi Lilia.

Well, I’m a new writer, and don’t have much money at present. I hope someday to make lots of dollars, but I’m poor right now. Raising a family takes lots of money [that I don't have].

Also, maybe I just haven’t met a woman to inspire desire in me for kids. I have found that the more in love with someone I am, the more I want to have family with them. That might happen with you, but I can make no guarantees. I will try and keep an open mind on the subject. But there’s so much for us to learn about each other before I would be ready for children.

Also, I’ve been alone for most of my adult life, waiting, hoping, and praying for my dream girl to come into my life. Perhaps I’m being selfish when I say that once I find her, I hope she and I will be able to spend some years together, alone, without children, so I can have time to heal the wounds in my soul that so long loneliness has left me with. Do you understand?

Do you have Internet at your home?

Why did you pick me? Why am I so special to you?

You are right. 1000 letters cannot replace an hour of conversation. I hope that soon, we can talk on the phone. Do you have a telephone?

I am 44 years old. Are you sure I’m not too old for you?

Tom Hesley

[Ester],

You are so right about men and women having differing strategies for finding their mates. I actually met Dr. Gray at a singles club in Ohio some twelve years ago. He was quite the energetic speaker.

If your interested in Dr. Ellis, see the following sites:

The Albert Ellis Institute: http://www.rebt.org/

More on Ellis: http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/ellis.html

Well, on what I’ve written, I can’t share that just yet. It’s top secret until it’s published. But I can give you a glimpse of some of my philosophies. I have found, in my personal quest to beat a stubborn case of shyness as a teenager, that contrary to popular belief, the fear that fueled my shyness is not irrational. In fact, it made lots of sense to have it. Society today seems to teach that fear is a bad thing, that it should be cast aside, that a person’s conscience should be heard but not given too much credence in the quest for a woman. Many men ignore their fears when approaching women. This is a bad thing for the women as well as for the men. They don’t listen to their consciences that tell them that the way they’re about to approach her is inappropriate. E.g. My impression is that most men know that it’s not right to walk up to a lady and tell her they want her body without knowing anything about how she thinks. And most men that I know feel a tinge of fear at the very thought of doing something like this. Yet they consume large amounts of alcohol to silence their conscience and numb that fear. Once they’re drunk enough they start approaching the women and come off as obnoxious, overbearing, dense jerks who don’t take no for an answer. I’ve often heard such men bragging about how many times they’ve been slapped by a lady, as though this number is some sort of badge of honor. Well, IMHO, there is no justification for this dubious honor. In my work, I hope to shed a positive light on fear, and teach them that fear is a higher form of themselves, the voice of conscience. It knows what’s right and wrong when it comes to social interaction, and people would do well to head it instead of trying to drown it in their favorite drinks and drugs (prescribed antidepressants included). There. Did that whet your appetite?

To your question about why I think I have not yet found my dream girl: Well, that has a complex answer. When I was in my early 20s, I thought it was because I was shy. But I got past that, and In my thirties up to this day, I feel that I haven’t found her because I haven’t been insistent enough on ladies having the qualities I’m seeking. It’s happened that I’ve dated ladies that I did not feel initially attracted to, thinking that the attraction would come. I couldn’t say no too quickly, lest they call me “shallow” or cry about how I broke their hearts and what a cruel person I was. I wanted to be the noble, magnanimous man and give ladies who seemed reasonably close to what I was looking for, a fair chance. But this is a sediment of pity (perhaps) that is unhealthy. In my opinion, there’s no room for compassion in the mate selection process. Compassion taints the process by motivating us to choose mates who are inappropriate for us. I’ve been down that road enough to realize that I will never do that again. Thus, I’m a believer in love at first sight (LAFS). If it isn’t there from the start, it’s never gonna come. Period. Okay, there’s a couple little tastes of the nature of my writing. I don’t want to ramble too much.

I don’t get to DC often. However, I will come, if you turn out to be my dream girl.

By the way, do you have any pics you can send along of yourself? I like to know straight away what the people look like with whom I correspond. Why? That’s a whole other book.

Anyway, write back when you have a moment. Give me some of your thoughts on these issues.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Necessary Verses Needless Rejections

Wendy,

I’m so sorry. You sound like such a sweet person. But I’m not comfortable getting involved with you. It just doesn’t feel right. I can’t ask you to come here when I’m not sure if I’ll like you once you’re here. Distance relationships are so risky, you know?

You take care, and I wish you all the best in finding your dream guy. Perhaps someday, if your travels bring you to the USA for a little while, write me, and perhaps then, we can meet. I just don’t want you to make a special trip, just to meet me. Understand?

Later,
Tom Hesley

Lilia,

This is Tommy. I did respond to you a couple days ago.

I’m sorry to hear what that other man did to you – the man who had the wife. I do not have a wife. I have no girlfriends either. I so much wish you lived in the USA already, so we could get acquainted slowly.

I must tell you that at this time, I don’t want to raise a family. If you really want to have children anytime in the next couple years, you should find another man. I like everything you’ve said about yourself though. You seem very intelligent. Interesting, and thoughtful, and your photographs show a very beautiful woman. You are beautiful. I am quite serious when I say, that I’ve seen no prettier women than you. And I’ve seen many. You are unquestionably among the best.

However, I don’t have a lot of money to conduct a relationship with someone so far away, and having you come here so soon after our first contact, I would not feel comfortable with. I don’t want to rush. I understand that you have a visa that must be used within 90 days. And maybe come May or so, if you and I keep talking, I might be ready for you to visit. But I can’t promise this. It all depends on how we get along. You say that you don’t want a long period of correspondence. Normally, if you were close by, I’d agree with you, and I’d want to meet immediately.

But because we’re so far apart, and our cultures so different, I need a lengthy period of letter-writing and phone talk, in order to get comfortable with you. I understand if you feel that this is unacceptable. However, that’s the way it is for me.

Again, if you don’t accept my terms, then I encourage you to seek another man. I like you, pretty woman from Russia. I want to learn how you think. And that takes time since the distance forces us to communicate through letters.

I currently live with my Mom, and I keep the house running smoothly for her. I want to be a writer someday and I’m in the process of writing little articles, poems, and stories with the hopes that one day, these will be published. The topic about which I most want to write is how I found my dream girl. Unfortunately, I’ve not found her yet. But when I do, I hope she’ll want to help me write our story.

I have four sisters, and eight nieces and nephews. All my sisters are happily married. I’m the only sibling who is still single. I’m the oldest, at 44 years old. I must say that I don’t like being the only one of my family who hasn’t found his sweetheart yet. I hope this sweetheart is you. But it will take us time to figure that out. Okay?

Well, I must go for now. You take care and write back to me soon.

Tom Hesley

[This lady responded to a wink from me. She read my profile and liked it. So I wrote back to her as follows:]

Hi Ellen.

I’m doing well. My youngest sister turned 40 yesterday, and we had a dinner party for her at a little house-turned-into-restaurant, called Mi Mi’s, that is around 20 miles or so from here. It was lots of fun. They had this coconut shrimp that was out of this world.

Glad you like my profile. I assume you saw the pictures I have there? By the way, do you have any pics of yourself you could send me? I like to figure out right away if there’s an attraction, before spending too much time developing emotional bonds.

I’ve never been to Illinois. I do not mind you being there. If we connect, I’ll come visit you. You go to Chicago much? Ever ride the El?

The sun is shining brightly here today. Temperature is somewhere in the 30s. How’s the weather where you are?

Well, write back soon, and take care.

Tom Hesley

[This lady said that she was in the midst of a family crisis, and could not date anyone at the present time. So I responded as follows:]

Oh my, sorry to hear that. Hope things get back to normal for you soon.

Well, thanks for considering me.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Combating The Shame Of Rejection