Tom's Love Quest

Hi [Lu].

Thanks for writing back. You’re quite attractive yourself, and I wish we would have had the opportunity to get acquainted. That man you’re seeing is a lucky guy. Don’t mean to wish you any ill-will by saying this. But, if your relationship doesn’t work out, and you would like to give “us” a try, let me know.

One more thing. A suggestion really. If you’re involved with someone, you might hide your profile, so that others (like me) don’t see it and think that you’re available. Hiding your profile can be done under the “My Profile” tab, on your “My Match” page.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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Hi Melissa.

Great. I’m so glad you’re wiling to talk.

Do you have some pics of you that you could send along? Chemistry is very important to me, and I like to establish that before we spend too much time talking. My email address is:

[...]

Thanks much, and write when you can.

Tom Hesley

Hi.

Thanks for writing back. I suppose I should put this in my profile. But if I find the right girl, I’ll relocate to where she is if her area meets certain conditions. Given your circumstances, I understand that you don’t want to move. And, if we hit it off, I’d come to you.

Lisbon Falls. How far is that from Rockland. I dated a lady 5 years ago on Vinalhaven island, which is a 90-minute ferry ride from Rockland. I liked the area, though the island life was too secluded for me. But the mainland was great.

I’ve gotten mixed reviews on the dark glasses. Some say they make me look cool while others warn that they make me appear insincere. That’s why I put pics both with and without them online – to please both sides.

Yes, it has been raining here all day.

Cold and damp and gray.

Could you send me some pics of you? My email address is:

[...]

Well, write back soon.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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[This one rejected me due to my being shorter than she. She went on to say that my letter asking her why she rejected me made me sound quite desparate and dependent. So I responded as follows:]

Hi.

I sent another version of this to you, but it appeared that it didn’t go out correctly. So, here it is again…

No, not desperate. I’ve lived on my own for most of the past 20 years, and am about as independent as we men come. Perhaps even more so, ‘cause I do my own laundry, clean my own dwelling, and am pretty handy around the house. I just realized after working so hard in my career for so long, how important it is to have that special someone around, and it’s become my new career to do what I can to make that happen. I don’t want to be alone anymore. What’s so negatively desperate about that?

On your tallness requirement: Many people say they want this or that in their mates, but when it comes right down to it, very often they’re willing to do without some things if most of the rest of what they want is there. I just thought you might be one of these, who would forego a few inches in her height requirements, to let a good man into her heart. But, apparently, you’re not!

And finally, a suggestion back to you: You mention in your profile and went out of your way to say it in your letter, that you’re “independent.” I wonder, given that, if you’re even capable of having a truly loving relationship, one where the lovers really do help each other. It seems not. In your world, the two flames, that in healthy relationships, merge into one, never do join. They might get close, but they never really achieve true togetherness. This is sad, for you especially.

I’m not impressed by your independence. Oh, I mean, it’s great that you can make your own money and have your own aspirations. Big deal. Most of us do that routinely. But the fact that you mention it might mean that you’re sporting your own desperation – insecurity perhaps? Maybe you’ve been hurt badly by an ex, and now are out to show the world that you’ll be damned if you’re going to let anyone hurt you again. The suggestion: You might tone down this independence thing. It makes you come across like you’re carrying lots of baggage. Intimacy and independence in love don’t exist together very well. You’ll never achieve real intimacy if you’re obsessed with standing on your own. Think about it.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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[This one declined to get acquainted because she's still married. Well, legally separated. So I replied as follows:]

Hi again.

Thanks for replying, and for your suggestions about the pics. I’ll work on them.

Good luck in your marriage. Hopefully, it work out in the best way for all concerned.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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[This one rejected me due to the long distance between us. So I replied as follows:]

Well, I would relocate for the right girl, and Chicago is one of the places I’d come.

But I understand if you don’t want to try. Let me know if you change your mind.

Tom Hesley

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[This lady gave no reasons for her lack of enthusiasm for communicating further with me. So, I asked her why:]

Hi.

I’d like to ask why you’re not interested in getting to know me. After reviewing your profile, it seems to me like we’d get along well. Am I too heavy? Too thin? Too fair? I’ve been told that I’m not much to look at in photos. Yet ladies say that once they get to know me a little, they’re pleasantly surprised, claiming that my charm shows up later on.

Come on. I neither do drugs, smoke, nor drink. I’m disease-free and don’t have any exes hanging around. No drama. I am debt-free, with a credit score well above 740. I have 20 years of software engineering experience with much earning potential. I’m a simple, honest, hard worker. You could do much, much worse.

So why not at least give me a week or two of your most open mind and heart. You might find that I’m more attractive then, than you first thought when you looked at my pictures.

Just curious,
Tom Hesley

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[This woman responded to my profile. However, she appears to be foreign. But I thought I'd talk her out a little, just to see if there might be some attraction that would make the great distance feel less limiting. So I wrote the following back to her:]

Hi Kalina12345.

Is Kalina your name?

I’m so glad you liked my profile.

My email address is:

[...]

I’m a simple guy, whose only big dream in life is to find his soul mate, to love, and to be loved by her. I play music at parties as a pastime and to keep some money in my pocket until she comes along. Starting a new life with “her” I dream of most every night. Do you want a boyfriend like this? I hope so.

Where are you located? In New York?

Did you look at my pictures in my structure? Did you like them?

Write back as soon as you can. I’d really like to hear more from you.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

[This lady rejected me for three reasons: distance, age difference, and lack of physical attraction. So I wrote back the following:]

Hi again.

Oh. Well, sorry you feel that way. I thought we might make a wonderful connection when I read your profile. You say you’re not physically attracted to me. Well, yes, many have described me as plain-looking at first glance. But once they got to know me, some of them began to feel “chemistry.” Can’t say for sure whether that would happen here. But I ask that you give me a little chance, by talking for a week or two. If it does turn into something special, I am willing to relocate.

But if you’re still not persuaded, I understand, and good luck in your search for your soul mate.

Tom Hesley

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Good morning TSM.

Well, okay, I can take a hint. Normally, I don’t give up so quickly when someone doesn’t respond to my email. But the letters received from you, though you say that you’re not rejecting me absolutely, seem to do just that. And your non-response is further evidence of that. So, I won’t bother you anymore. But if you have a change of heart and want to talk more, do let me know.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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