Tom's Love Quest

[Apparently, I had talked to this lady some time ago, and she wrote today, wondering where I've been, as I've not communicated with her in a little while. So I wrote back as follows:]

No, you have not offended me. And no, I’m not playing games with you. I’ve been busy fixing the lawn mower. The tire is flat and the grass needs cutting immediately.

Also, I’m not sure I want to get involved with you because you’re so far away, unless of course, you plan on moving to America sometime soon.

Let me know.

Tom Hesley

[Mentat],

Per our conversation a couple weeks ago: I hope I didn’t sound judgmental when we were talking about dating handicapped women. I have a similar problem as you when dating them – most of them leave me feeling like I could (and should) do better.

I’m not sure how to put this in the most accurate way. But maybe, discussing it in terms of pride and shame will help. Both Buddhism and Christianity frown on harboring pride – taking too much credit for one’s accomplishments. Yet pride in one’s mate is a key selection criterion in modern western society. Typically, I would not be proud to be seen with [handicapped women] by important people in my life such as bosses, professors, close friends, and parents. In fact, in many cases, I’d feel ashamed.   [First Love]   however, was the one-in-a-million exception. I’d be proud with [her] anywhere as I expect you would be.

However, after considering it more, I realize that this would be true with ANYONE I found attractive – handicapped or not. Some have what it takes to make us love them. Others do not. Our discussions of   [First Love]    imply that neither one of us would feel like we settled for a better-than-nothing woman if she loved us. On the other hand, we’d both feel gravely compromised if we were to announce to the world that, say, [Lenee] was our true love. I brought [Lenee] here to Altoona a couple times, and felt ashamed because not only was I unsure then of the depth of my love for her, but also she was not well received by my friends and family. Their attitudes suggested that they thought I could do so much better, and they wondered why I was messing around with someone like [her]. Peer pressure highly influences my dating choices.

Pride, encouraged by peer approval of who we date, often destroys our capacity to fall in love. It was certainly a big explanation of why I ended things with [Lenee]. Maybe this is why both Buddhism and Christianity frown on it. I don’t know. My thoughts on this are unclear. Perhaps discussing it further will bring them into sharper focus. What do you think?

Tom Hesley

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Hello.

I just received your email address on match. Thanks for writing.

So, you’re from Oakmont. Ever get to Pittsburgh much? Where do you like to go when there? I enjoy hanging out at Flagstaff Hill in Oakland. In fact, I lived in Oakland for over ten years.

By the way, I’m only 5’ 8’’. You’re pretty tall. Will that bother you that I’m so much shorter than you are?

I won’t say anymore right now. Write back, and I’ll tell you more.

Take care, and hope to hear from you.

Tom Hesley

[This lady supplied a different email address, wanting me to write to her there. So I did, as follows:]

Hi.

Well, here I am. I’m glad you liked my profile. What did you enjoy about it?

Tom Hesley

[Mentat looked at my profile briefly and asked why I did not give my income in it. I responded as follows:]

Dear [Mentat],

Yes, I used to put my income out there, even when it was 88,000 per year. I got very few positive responses then, and my sister suggested recently that I omit it. I’d have to say that the predominant complaints women have are my age, distance from them, and lack of physical attraction. [They've never mentioned income so far, as an issue.]

Thanks for looking it over.

Tom Hesley

[This lady said that I looked like the unibomber in my dark sunglasses, and suggested that I put up a different primary photo. So I responded as follows:]

Does mean that you’re not interested in starting up a correspondence?

Tom Hesley

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[This lady says I'm too short and too far to consider starting up a relationship with. So I responded as follows:]

Okay. Well, thanks anyway for responding.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

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[This woman, in response to my flirting, asked me a few questions. I answered as follows:]

Hi.

Yes, I’ve been to LA in the mid 90s. I have a friend in Pasadena who has often invited me out for a visit. I liked CA.

You might like PA. Lots of mountains here with a slightly cooler climate than you’re probably used to (unless you’re in northern CA). But PA’s a wonderful place. I’ve lived at both ends of the state (Pittsburgh and Philadelphia) as well as in the middle (Altoona).

Stay awake in your travels today, and write back when you like.

Tom Hesley

[This lady wishes only to date those local to her. So I wrote back:]

Okay. Well, thanks for responding.

Tom Hesley

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• Combating The Shame Of Rejection

[Mentat],

Per our discussion the other night, here’s a link to my dating profile on match.com. If you have some time, would you take a look at it and see if you notice any problems?

[...]

Let me know if you have problems with this link, and I’ll send you a copy-pasted version of this page.

Tom Hesley