Can We Date Up
[Mentat],
Per our conversation a couple weeks ago: I hope I didn’t sound judgmental when we were talking about dating handicapped women. I have a similar problem as you when dating them – most of them leave me feeling like I could (and should) do better.
I’m not sure how to put this in the most accurate way. But maybe, discussing it in terms of pride and shame will help. Both Buddhism and Christianity frown on harboring pride – taking too much credit for one’s accomplishments. Yet pride in one’s mate is a key selection criterion in modern western society. Typically, I would not be proud to be seen with [handicapped women] by important people in my life such as bosses, professors, close friends, and parents. In fact, in many cases, I’d feel ashamed. [First Love] however, was the one-in-a-million exception. I’d be proud with [her] anywhere as I expect you would be.
However, after considering it more, I realize that this would be true with ANYONE I found attractive – handicapped or not. Some have what it takes to make us love them. Others do not. Our discussions of [First Love] imply that neither one of us would feel like we settled for a better-than-nothing woman if she loved us. On the other hand, we’d both feel gravely compromised if we were to announce to the world that, say, [Lenee] was our true love. I brought [Lenee] here to Altoona a couple times, and felt ashamed because not only was I unsure then of the depth of my love for her, but also she was not well received by my friends and family. Their attitudes suggested that they thought I could do so much better, and they wondered why I was messing around with someone like [her]. Peer pressure highly influences my dating choices.
Pride, encouraged by peer approval of who we date, often destroys our capacity to fall in love. It was certainly a big explanation of why I ended things with [Lenee]. Maybe this is why both Buddhism and Christianity frown on it. I don’t know. My thoughts on this are unclear. Perhaps discussing it further will bring them into sharper focus. What do you think?
