Dear [Mentat],
You are a wise man. Much more so than you realize. You’ve managed to put words to feelings that I’ve struggled to express since I broke up with [Lenee] some seventeen years ago. I too feel that usually, dating handicapped women deprives me of the kind of story-book relationship that sighted men enjoy routinely. Given the entire population of handicapped ladies, and the entire population of non handicapped ones, like you, I believe that the percentage of women from the first group that I’d consider worthy mates is much smaller than in the second. Mating with almost all handicapped ladies is akin to settling for ten dollars when you could have gotten ten thousand, although as I will discuss below, some handicapped women ([First Love], Cindy, [Alandra], et al) leave me not feeling compromised, but blessed. I wouldn’t have cared, if I’d landed one of these gems, that I wasn’t getting what other fully-sighted men take for granted. Never even gave it a second thought when [First Love] and I reined. But then, there are those OTHER handicapped women such as [Lenee], [Shanee], et al, who encouraged me never to date another blighted female again.
I recall those final days with [Lenee] in 1988. When I knew she was in love with me, these gentle yet nasty dreams began attacking my slumber nightly. Futuristic scenes of she and I in our home in Ohio (her cooking in the kitchen, and pictures of our wedding) hovered before me as I dozed Nothing bad happened in the dreams. Yet their implications often awakened me in cold sweats, with the sensation of being trapped somewhere I heartily wished not to be. If I really loved her though, the dreams would have been pleasurable, not scary as they were, and so were my first indication that I didn’t really love her. They alarmed me because [Lenee] lacked myriad social and intellectual skills, not to mention her extensive mental problems. I found no desirability in her as these inadequacies surfaced. So the imagery of us in bed was truly terrifying, like the boogie man, or anything that went “bump in the night” during my childhood. Aside from being thin, she looked and acted nothing like my dream girl. She was feeble, whiny, childish, schizophrenic, overly defensive, knew not how to nourish herself properly, and generally way out of touch. Her clinging grew repulsive. Yet I didn’t leave. At least, not right away.
I couldn’t, due to the worry over how a breakup would hurt her. How would she handle it? Would she cry? Would she threaten to kill herself? Would she try and hurt me? I knew two weeks into our twelve-week relationship that it wouldn’t work. But concern for her welfare motivated me to stick around a while.
Further, being unable to accept her as she was, exposed what appeared then to be double standards in my ways. After all, if I expected anyone to accept me, handicapped as I am, then shouldn’t I also accept them with theirs? (Irrational Belief?) If yes, then would I not break the golden rule by rejecting [Lenee]? (another Irrational Belief) As I saw it, taking the high road meant staying on with her, and finding ways to love her, shortcomings and all. If I could somehow do this, then there’d be no reason to leave because then, I would come to see her as the goddess – the woman with no meaningful imperfections.
But I never learned to be so completely forgiving and blind, though I tried in earnest. For over two months I endured, searching for insights on resolving the irony, and ignoring my own romantic needs so I might do right by [Lenee] and allow her for the first time in her life, to satisfy hers. She liked our involvement, and for a time, that was enough for me. Being with her at times, felt good. Why? Because as long as we continued, I could hold off the shame of exposing my hypocrisy. After all, I was showing the world that I wasn’t superfluous, that I never rejected anyone just because they weren’t fully functional, and, because of this, that I was so different than (and above the) sighted people of my past who turned me away. Obviously, I had low self-esteem in the days of [Lenee], a fact further confirmed by my certainty that never would a more-attractive lady love me and that I was doomed to receiving chronic rejection from all who I truly desired. So, I figured I’d retain [Lenee], ‘cause I didn’t think I had any business trying for anyone better. What non handicapped woman would ever think me good enough?
But, during [Lenee's] second visit here to Altoona, I learned to leave by realizing that there are handicaps, and then there are HANDICAPS. [Lenee] was handicapped squared, if you know what I mean. Like yourself, my only impairment is low eyesight. But not only was she vision-impaired, but a mental and physical wreck as well. Her problems went far beyond simple low vision.
My father helped me to see this, in the most potent heart-to-heart conversation we ever had. He sensed my unhappiness, pulling me aside one night as she slept upstairs. I never saw him cry before. But on this occasion, weep he did, for he knew well my dilemma, and guessed that few women would date me after he witnessed the scoffing treatment I got from public school girls. He pitied, wanting so much more for me, and though normally, people don’t embrace this sort of compassion, I drank it in because it showed that he really understood my heart, that he was right there feeling the pain with me, and wanted to do whatever he could to help rid me of this torment of indecision over [Lenee]. He said, validating my every misgiving about her, that she appeared inept, childish, and needy. Though he promised family support whether or not we stayed together, he felt that she’d be more burdensome in my life than enjoyable, urging me to escape before my sense of obligation to her enlarged. With brutal candor, he pointed out what you and I know quite well – that handicaps sentence anyone who has them to lives of greater hardship. Thus he couldn’t fathom why I’d invite additional suffering by shouldering [Lenee's] giant list of tribulations in addition to my own.
I spent the rest of the night with her snoozing beside me, mulling over his words. Then, at 4:06 AM, a sudden insightful flash jerked me awake. Gee, Dad was right! [Lenee] was not take-home-to-the-family material. She acted like a baby and was almost as helpless. I couldn’t imagine her paling around with my sisters and Mom, and also fretted over how friends like you, Rich, [Z], [First Love], Cindy [...], and Donna [...] would rate (or berate) my fooling around with her. Since people do judge men for their choices in women, I knew that she’d only embarrass me in my social circles.
Additionally, she was physically unattractive, with sexual hang-ups galore. These impressions portended only material, mental, social, and emotional disadvantage to dating her. It was hard enough getting people to accept me with my vision problems, much less me combined with her childlike antics, pushing her doll baby in the stroller. Thus, I loathed the idea of her moving to Ohio after me, which she was ready to do.
So what, if the “laws of nature” dictate that only people of like attractiveness can happily mate. Even if leaving meant that she’d be alone forever, crying every day, and even if it meant the same for me, I knew true love would never grow from the sorrow I felt at [her] plight. Compassion as a basis for romantic love, guarantees only folly. We don’t fall in love with anyone for whom we feel sorry, and I felt intensely sorry for [Lenee], and for a time, confused that sorrow for true love.
Even if I was no more handsome to women than [Lenee] was to me, no way could my inability to attract better ladies persuade me to count [Lenee] among my blessings. Her presence saddened me more than the solitude I’d hoped she’d relieve. I decided then to walk by myself rather than take up with someone I didn’t desire. For me, a woman is not worth having unless she’s a perfect ten in my eyes. All or nothing, even if I’m but a two myself. I’m ready thus, to live my remaining days alone, as fate may ultimately rule that I’m not attractive enough to get the girls I want. Yet until death, I’ll defy nature’s pecking order since, as with [Lenee], abiding by it leaves me guilt-ridden, miserable, and repeatedly unfulfilled. Perhaps this is irrational because I may be too weak to win this joust with nature. But I haven’t a clue of how to change these yearnings [for woman who are beautiful to me]. Nor do I wish to. So I guess I’m stuck in this battle, until either I stop wanting my dream girl, or life itself runs out. There are no other destinations I care to visit.
Well, [Lenee] had nothing of lasting interest to offer, and neither could my wealth of pity for her bind us in regretless and pleasurable ways. Moreover, I came to understand that leaving her would not violate the Golden Rule (GR), because the GR reads, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” It does NOT say, “Do unto others as others have done unto you.” Nor does it say, “You must do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Until [Lenee], I missed these fine distinctions between the GR and the Christian “eye for an eye” reciprocity rule. They are not one in the same, and it was relieving to know after years of blurred thinking, that I didn’t have to love [Lenee] just because she loved me. The GR does not command that we give back exactly what we get, especially when we never asked for it in the first place. Nor does it demand that we give exactly what we want to get. All it offers is that if we want to be treated a certain way, then a good way to inspire people to do that is to treat them that same way. This makes sense, for if I had in fact, wanted [Lenee] to love me, then offering my love would have probably been the best way to coax her to love back. But as it was, I did not want her that way. Thus, even though she drowned me with her love, I was under no obligation to return it though at the time, I believed I was.
The phrase, “as you would have,” makes the GR much easier to live by. Those four simple words, arranged as they are, shape the GR into a gentle advisory suggestion. Without them it reads more like a strong-willed proclamation to be followed always without question, “Do unto others as others have done unto you.” This is how I read the rule as a child. To me, the “as you would have” part was just a bunch of noise words then. But today, it’s clear that if I’d only understood how that phrase affects the GR’s meaning, I’d have been much happier with fewer dating insecurities surrounding my handicap. As damaged people, we cannot give back to others everything we might want of them. We need groceries, and often can’t get to the grocery store without someone driving us there. Or, we might want someone sighted to make sure we have our socks matched by color. Obviously, we can’t return these favors in kind. And we don’t have to. At least, not by way of the GR anyhow.
I don’t mean to beat this to death. But prior to [Lenee], I just didn’t get it, believing wrongfully that the GR directed to give back precisely as others gave to me. If someone bought me food or gave me a birthday card, then until I did something for them, I’d feel uneasy. If I delayed too long in paying them, guilt ensued in my heart. I now understand that the GR as I saw it then, would be hard for any mortal to execute, and especially [difficult] for someone handicapped.
Now don’t misunderstand. It’s hard to deny that, rooted in western culture, is a quid pro quo philosophy which governs how we conduct both economic and personal business. We learn not to take too much without the ability to give something back of near-equal value. If we can’t give appropriately, then we’re taught to feel ashamed to ask (or even hope) for it. E.g. If you can’t pay the piper, then you shouldn’t listen to the music. If you don’t have beauty to offer, then don’t seek it. If you’re not a perfect ten yourself, then don’t hunt exquisiteness in others. You get the idea. We shame takers, for presuming excessively, and are suspicious of givers who offer without recompense. In mating, society withholds its respect and highest rewards from anyone who doesn’t (or can’t) play this little tit for tat game. And nowhere is this exclusion more evident, than among minorities like the handicapped. You and me find sighted women the most attractive, but I often feel inadequate when pursuing them since I know I probably could not be their dream guy – the chauffeur, the provider, the defender, the leader, and so on. Yes, getting this for giving that, is a very real behavioral protocol in our civilization. So it’s no wonder that people who can’t contribute as freely, feel ashamed. However, my point is that it probably comes from somewhere other than the GR. Or, if the rule does fuels this, then maybe lots of people are misinterpreting it just as I was. I wonder.
At any rate, I sensed that by leaving [Lenee], I was helping further this rule of equity that so brutalizes the handicapped. But I didn’t want to [leave her]. Instead, I wanted to be the superman who could live above this and not display the same discriminatory behaviors that had caused me so much pain when school girls treated me, as I was about to treat [Lenee]. But Dad helped me to see that I could not suspend society’s rules, unjust as they might be, for the happiness of a woman, not without sacrificing my own [happiness]. So the next day I told her we couldn’t see each other again; an act, thanks to Dad, that was much easier to carry out than I predicted.
Though his insight enabled me to break from [Lenee], his comments showed an aversion to handicapped people like her. Even today, I wonder: if I ever found a top-notch woman, would her parents advise her to stay clear of me for similar reasons that mine warned me against [Lenee]? Well, I just hope I’m perceived as more “normal” than [she], and that for the women I seek, I have more colorful attractions to offer than [Lenee] had [to give] me.
In numberless ways, bodily dysfunction sentences those afflicted to lives of excessive compromise, humiliation, and doing without. in effect, only via the compassion of the unencumbered may they even survive. It’s bad enough that they must grapple with the everyday tasks of living, which are made even harder without full vision. More disheartening still, is that isolation is forced upon them. Why are their impairments compounded so by others’ avoidance? The confirmation of normalcy we get from dating ordinary ladies, indeed tastes sweet. But unfortunately, for most normal women, we truly aren’t good enough, and you are astute to acknowledge this, not irrational. I too, often speculate that I’m inferior to them, and have an extensive history of chronic rejection to prove it. So many think us unworthy treating us like we’re lacking, like we cannot engage them fully, like we have little of interest to offer, and so on. No wonder more handicapped suffer mind ills than other groups. How do you think Dr. Ellis would assess my rationality on this point?
But alas, no one person or group can rightly be blamed for our hardships. It’d be duplicitous to criticize the ladies for my history of negative responses since I do it to them too. I reject those who don’t attract me, handicapped or not.
Too bad we can’t be sure that a god is out there from whom we could request deliverance. No, as I see it, we’re here on our own, with no sentient “greater power” to help us. Now this is not to say that there ARE no greater powers that force us to live in deprived fashion. I believe there are. The very fact that we’re handicapped pigeonholes us into handicapped lifestyles. Usually, we either exist in subsidized or substandard housing (or both), must shoulder higher education bills that include specialized learning equipment, constantly persuade others that our affliction is serious enough to warrant their aid, well, you know what I mean. Some impaired individuals break this mold, for sure. But most of them do not. And this force that represses us, though not conscious in my view, is as real as God is to the born-again Christians.
I try not to despair though, because sometimes, these “greater forces” work to our advantage. You found the means to get to California. I found that job in Ohio. Decidedly good things, right? Well, these forces may again help you and me one day, and I hope that before I die, random chance will bring us both true lovers. If people do become more accepting as they age, then perhaps advancing years will soften ladies’ man preferences, and transform you and I from frogs into prince charmings. We can only hope. No?
Take care,
Tom Hesley
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