Correct Opinions Matter
Dear [Mentat],
I agree. If I was one hundred percent convinced that [Lenee] was in truth my dream girl, then no one’s negative opinions of her would have lessened my desire to date her. You’re right. My family’s cool reaction to [her] didn’t create doubts in my mind, but rather, brought those already there to the surface and amplified them. Good thing too, because had my siblings not been so boisterous, I might have gotten more deeply involved with [Lenee], even though it felt so wrong. I was really mixed up then.
Yes, in retrospect, I agreed with my family. In fact now, I think the sisters were too easy on [Lenee]. 
But with someone like [First Love], had she wanted me as I did her, my family could not have talked me out of chasing her. Heaven knows, during high school, they tried. Even when it was clear to everyone else that [First Love] wished I’d just dry up and go away, I didn’t want to hear it, and kept buying her pop, asking her to dances, holding her hand in class, reading every little kind thing she said to me as conclusive evidence that she loved me even though she didn’t, and so on.
However, those years of then-seemingly-wasted effort with [First Love] enabled me to know today, that given the right circumstances, I can indeed love handicapped ladies. [Lenee's] handicap per se was not the reason that passions for her could not be awakened. It may have been a contributing factor. But had [Lenee] been less schizophrenic, taller, less needy, more knowledgeable, and stronger in character, I believe I would have loved her, poor eyesight notwithstanding, just as I loved [First Love], who was totally blind.
Experience shows that whatever it is that draws us to or repels us from a lady, is typically not a single characteristic, but instead, a multitude of (perhaps thousands of) factors. How they act, look, smell, feel, stand, walk, talk, cry, sneeze, laugh, dance, sing, hum, support, love, eat, drink, clean, swim, shop, spend, earn, think, empathize, believe, disagree, rationalize, … All these qualities, and so many others serve as input to our perceived romantic appeal of the person. All her perceivable traits contribute in varying degrees to her overall desirability, just as every voice in a thousand-voice choir affects its overall sound. Some color it more, some less A lead singer has more impact on the over all sound than say, the third-chair tenor. Also, the choir can sound great, even with some voices off key. A grossly out of tune voice can easily be overlooked if it isn’t too loud in relation to the others. In this scenario, the others, because they’re so on-key and good, tend to balance out the bad voice, at least in so far as how people judge the choir’s performance. When a bad voice is present, you’ll always hear it. But when it is balanced by better-sounding singers, its negative impact lessens. People can overlook a few bad voices so long as the rest of the choir sings well. In fact, the resulting dissonance may actually be pleasing to the ear, making us value the choir’s performance more.
In this way, imperfection can, paradoxically, enhance attractiveness in both the choir and in women. The best sounding choir is almost never the one that sounds perfect. [First Love's] handicap is a case in point. This normally unattractive feature actually drew me to her, because it provided opportunities to be helpful, and impress her with kindness and generosity. I love being useful to women I love, for what I hope are obvious reasons. I was never ashamed to seen with her by peers and superiors, and in fact, I thought that public opinion of me would rise when they saw the depth of my love, despite her blindness. To quote a line from American Singles, “All her imperfections were perfect to me.”
On the other hand, as is the usual case, imperfections can sour the ground in which romance might otherwise thrive. Sometimes a single, loud, poorly controlled voice ruins the choir’s entire sound. Likewise, too many off-key voices can lower the perceived skill-level of the choir from concert-quality to weekend-amateur grade, making the group less enjoyable to hear, or not worth hearing at all. Like bad choir singers, some female behaviors can, by themselves, completely destroy her romantic attractiveness. These include lying, frequent displays of hygienic ineptitude, persistent overweight, recreational drug use, and infidelity. For me though, a visual impairment is not a voice that would, in and of itself, drive me out of the concert hall before the show was over. So while it’s not typically the case that any one trait makes or breaks the lady, I suppose that there are some qualities that do. At any rate, [Lenee's] choir was that of a bunch of second-graders, while [First Love's] was worthy of performing in the world’s best concert halls.
You and [your late 70s sweetheart] seemed like such a nice couple. I always looked forward to hanging out with you two at Duquesne. I wonder: If you had not been depressed then, do you think that had she stayed around that you would have married her even though you knew that she wasn’t exactly your ideal woman?
More later,
Tom Hesley
