Blind Woman, Blinding Beauty
Hi again [Mentat].
[Alandra] was a blind woman I met at camp in 1996 who may have even surpassed [First Love] in terms of desirability. Her parents migrated here from England. Thus, she had an air of European sophistication. Quite articulate and liberal, though being raised here in America herself, she had no accent. I fell in love with her immediately, and for a time, she said she felt the same toward me. We taped letters to each other for eight months, and in that time, I came to realize that she wasn’t ready to advance the relationship due to numerous factors. Well, the bottom line was that she had higher priorities than me, and seeing no way to counteract that state of affairs, I ended our association after the second time she cancelled arrangements we’d made to visit each other.
I mention her because I found her as pretty as the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. Yet she was totally blind. Once again, it appears that visual handicaps in and of themselves, do not bother me if other import factors of attraction are present. By the way, last I heard, [Alandra] is now married and living in North Carolina.
I agree with your ‘sampling problem’ comments. Often a visual impairment, particularly one present since birth, tends to leave the afflicted person socially retarded as well. [Janet]. [Olga]. Et al. This can manifest itself in so many ways that, at first glance, may not appear to be related to it. I’ve noticed that congenitally blind girls tend to cut their hair very short (even shorter than most males wear theirs), because they have no concept of how this can detract from their feminine appearance. Further, they might poke their eyes or fail to make eye contact with someone speaking to them. On the other hand, girls like [First Love], [Alandra], and [BT] appear well-adjusted because they know and utilize the body language of sighted women, though admittedly, we might not agree with their moral codes. They’re blind but they look and act sighted. The point is that it’s extremely difficult to find a vision-impaired lady who is otherwise normal. If I could, … if you could, ….. we’d both be very happy men. This might even be better than dating a fully sighted woman, because we’d be able to better share issues relating to our handicaps, and get greater understanding and acceptance in return (usually). But since there are only sighted women within my reach right now, I suppose I’ll keep trying for them.
Now on to your comments about low self-esteem and [your sweetheart from the late 70s]. Well, that’s strange. Though you say you were clinically depressed back then, I don’t remember you seeming very “down.” I guess you just hid it very well. Then again, I probably wasn’t very good at “reading” people back then given how young I was. At any rate, yes, it was good that you made your own choices where [that sweetheart] was concerned, and didn’t allow the likes of Parker to keep you from taking the relationship as far as you wanted it to go. On the other hand, it’s probably good that I DID allow my parents to influence me about [Lenee]. You’re right though. I’d have left her sooner or later no matter what. My Dad’s comments just helped make it sooner, rather than later.
Now, to the irony of blamelessly leaving ladies more impaired than ourselves, while we ourselves seek less impaired but accepting women. Well, good food for thought here. If we solve this one, we might have a million-selling book on our hands. But to the problem: Brute force contradiction might suffice. Yes. Studies support the claims of evolutionary psychologists that the more profound the handicap, the less desirable the afflicted appear to be for mating. But even if that’s true, it does not mean that the handicapped “cannot” be loved by desirable people. Case in point: Do you remember [Cara]? She lived next door to me [...] in the mid eighties. Confined to a wheelchair, she used to party with [some of our friends], and tended to be noisy and boisterous.
Well, it turns out that she’s married to an able-bodied fellow working in the healthcare industry (according to [Z]). Now I personally found no redeeming qualities in her, and to me, she was about as sexually alluring as Big Ed up at the school. I never liked her attitude either, and she was so grossly overweight that I swear that if she would have lost a hundred pounds, that she could have walked again without aid. Of course, I know her paralysis could not be cured by weight loss alone. But I’m just saying that to illustrate just how obese she was – too heavy to even walk. However, [Z] says that she bore a child to this man several years ago, and the three of them seem quite happy. Go figure. Who would ever want to marry someone like [Cara]? Yet, a man of high social standing did. So if a person like [her] could find lasting love, then good buddy, there’s certainly hope for you and me.
Thank goodness for the bell curve, which illustrates the sheer diversity in our culture, and suggests that no two people desire exactly the same qualities in mates, and that their preferences span the entire gambit and proportions of human qualities. Some like ‘em fat, some like ‘em thin, some like ‘em tall, some like ‘em short, … you get the idea. While it’s true that the curves suggest that most ladies like a man of clearly definable traits (the tall, dark, strong, handsome type), we need to look behind the numbers here. So often women say they prefer a certain type of man, then become disillusioned after marrying him. They want this type of guy. Yes. But when it comes right down to it, they aren’t usually happy with him. Again, as I pointed out in previous letters, we may find that if we bide our time, women will shed their delusions and come to see us as attractive. We just must be patient, something I’ve never been good at.
Now to your comment about “gray twilight where there is neither victory nor defeat”: Well, yes, victories must be meaningful victories to count for something. I could easily have been married four or five times by now. In fact, if I had played my cards right, I might have even been able to marry [First Love]. We talked about it you know. In fact, she was the first to mention it. But as much as I loved her, I could never have married her, for she was unclean in the biblical sense (More on that another time).
Likewise, I could have married [Fannie], [Lenee], [Hane] from Ohio, and others. But those “victories” would not have been meaningful and would not have turned the gray twilight into a beautiful pink, yellow, and blue sunset. It’s easy to get married if that’s all one really wants to do. But I wish not to marry just for the sake of marrying. In fact, what I want requires no marriage at all.
Marrying the right someone (a lady who will fill the rest of your days with joy, as Linda Eastman did for Paul McCartney), now that’s a lot harder to pull off. We both know what it feels like to settle, and that the more you compromise, the less happy you’ll be. Compromise curses fulfillment. This gray twilight to which you refer, would not be made more colorful and bright by marrying a mere better-than-nothing. No. The only way it can work well is to marry the best. Not just the best we can find. But the best. Period. When it comes to relationships, a perfectionist attitude is healthy, and necessary.
Later,
Tom Hesley
