On Trying Too Hard
Dear [Mentat],
Well, I don’t know how many times Dr. Phil was married. But Robin, his current wife has been with him for about thirty years. He himself is 54. So I doubt that he was married three other times.
Also, yes, TV talk shows are geared for the pure layman, not to someone who looks under the covers much. I’ve heard that this is why Star trek:TOS only aired three seasons – because it was too cerebral and attempted to give too much information, not to mention being Rodenberry’s soapbox to express his social views. Too bad. Society could certainly benefit today if more shows were like that.
Yes, one can indeed try too hard [to get loved]. A case in point: There was a new camper, [Gerome], at Beacon Lodge this summer. Nobody knew him initially, but after just a few days, everyone in my circle thought him obnoxious. Why? He kept following us around, injecting himself into conversations in most inappropriate ways. It was like the fellow who posts to a newsgroup for the first time without reading its FAQ beforehand. Sometimes, with just one or two innocuous questions, you can get away with that. But this guy went way beyond that. He lacked severely in the social graces, because he’d interrupt five or six people talking of canoeing, to interrogate one of the ladies he desired, about her childhood. The others then had to wait while he “interviewed” the woman, and by the time he finished, the original thread of the discussion was lost.
Well, after this happened several times, one very outspoken lady confronted him with blistering precision. She mimicked his rapid-fire questioning style. “Why are you being so obnoxious? How can you be twenty-six years old without having learned when and when not to speak? Why don’t you listen a while before asking your questions? Where did you learn your social skills? In a garbage dump? What gives you the right to inconvenience us so you can hit on [Emmy], who, by the way, doesn’t like you? …” She went on for a minute or so as he withered before us, much as a grape becomes a raisin in the hot sun.
After she’d finished, he shrunk in his chair, looking like a partly deflated beach ball. He then pleaded for mercy, saying that he had lived a very sheltered life, studying law. He lamented that he had very few friends and said that he had come to camp to try and fix that. He was just trying to fit in, he said weakly, as though he’d just been punched in the stomach.
I felt sorry for him because he sounded like he was about to cry. He seemed like a smart kid. So I wanted to make sure he came away from this experience with something positive, that would help him the next time he tried to make friends. I regarded him for a minute, then told him that his problem was that he was too impatient, and that his questions would have been answered had he just sat there listening for an hour or two. I suggested that he learn the territory and customs, and then ease his way in to the fold, rather than forcibly pushing his way into our midst. I also said that it was inappropriate for him to hit on [Emmy] because that night, she was with me. He would have known that had he listened a while.
Stop trying so hard, I said. You’ve done your part already by coming to camp and making yourself available for social interaction. You’re friendly and intelligent, and people will like you [so long as] you don’t demand it of them. Your brute force way of questioning reminded me of a police officer grilling a criminal. You don’t want to come across that way, do you? I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t try at all. Just channel your efforts down less obtrusive avenues, and you’ll find the belonging you seek.
He seemed to get it because he markedly toned down his approach in the remaining days. Unfortunately though, he was not able to redeem himself with the crowd, because they already decided that he was an intolerable ogre, not worth their attention. People will need time to forget that about him. Hopefully though, he won’t get discouraged, and will understand that while few things good in life come without some energy aimed at getting them, they will surely not come if he applies too much of, or the wrong effort.
He spent the rest of the session alone for his social ineptitude. He screwed up, and the crowd punished him for it. I know of no better teacher of the lessons of humanity than the humiliation of disapproval. So I expect that the dressing down we gave him will teach him well. Perhaps next summer, he’ll be better adjusted and act more fittingly [and not try so hard to make friends and lovers].
July 13th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Wow talk about being brutalally honest about Eugene! I I think that you explained in great detail of how Eugene acted towards the other campers. I think that he was trying just a little bit too hard to fit in. There are quite a few blind people like Eugene who have been sheltered. I’m sure he’s changed and learned something from that experience. I don’t think that I coulold have talked to Eugene like one of the campers did.
July 19th, 2010 at 9:03 am
[...] One lesson I learned early on how to attract women is: Don’t try too hard. I’ve found that scheming, gaming, and other covert sorts of persuasion don’t work usually. There’s only so much you can do, and attempting to do more than that might make you appear pathetic and excessively needy, as illustrated in this story about trying too much. [...]