Living Without Love
Dear [Mentat],
Living without love is indeed possible, though not ideal for many. Indeed, when living without love is forced upon us because too few people find us attractive, this can be most depressing and harmful. To further qualify this notion that thwarted love needs (specifically, the sex needs) frequently accompanies social maladjustment, Maslow says the following on page 118 of Motivation and Personality, 3rd Edition:
… It is now well known that many cases are found in which celibacy has no psychopathological effects. In many other cases, however, it has many bad effects. What factor determines which shall be the result? Clinical work with nonneurotic people gives the clear answer that sexual deprivation becomes pathologic in a severe sense only when it is felt by the individual to represent rejection by the opposite sex, inferiority, lack of worth, lack of respect, isolation, or other thwarting of basic needs. Sexual deprivation can be borne with relative ease by individuals for whom it has no such implication. …
This would seem to further validate your idea that priests and monks can indeed function well without gratifying their carnal urges.
However, particularly for us handicapped folks who know all too well the rejecting and devaluing proclivities of the less handicapped (read that the mainstream) against us, living without love in our situation provides exceedingly fertile ground from which mental illness sprouts and thrives. I’d argue that particularly for the handicapped, most sexual scarcity happens specifically for the reason Maslow cites: We’re being rejected by the opposite sex, since most of them see us as inferior, damaged, and therefore lacking in worth. They neither respect us nor treat us as equally worthy to their close friends, and so as a result, we handicapped people tend to be more cut off and excluded, and therefore isolated. We’re forced therefore into living without love, even though we want very much to enjoy love. It seems that, like a ball and chain, all the conditions Maslow sets forth for sexual deprivation to result in pathology, accompany most any physically challenged person seeking a relationship. No wonder so many of them give up their quest to find quality lovers. As you suggest, it might be just too depressing, and dangerously so. The sadness of living without love may be easier to bear than the humiliation of near-constant rejection while looking for love.
No, you shouldn’t give up the possibility of becoming well-adjusted without a relationship. And, I certainly never meant to imply that the degree of your “adjustment” was any less than it ought to be. You’ve had some tough breaks, stuff that started well before you were in 7th grade, and perhaps even well before you were born. You’ve (perhaps rightly) decided that a relationship is too hard for you to secure for the reasons we’ve been discussing. Given your experience with women, your choice of putting aside your level three needs in Maslow’s hierarchy, is a good one. After all, without a sense that the chances are reasonably good for success, pursuing an unrealistic dream can be almost as mentally debilitating as not pursuing a realistic one. Certainly as long as the painful side of a relationship might send you back to the bottle, you must avoid relationships until you’re less mentally fragile. I understand better now, your avoidance of them, and agree with it. No, a relationship probably wouldn’t fix your issues. For you, living without love might be your best option at this time.
Perhaps I’ve implied that the first, best answer for anyone deciding whether or not to try and make a dream come true, is to advance the quest no matter what. Up to now, I believed that unconditionally. But, as your situation illustrates, there are times, particularly when one’s health might be threatened, when the challenge should go unanswered. You’re doing the right thing, because I know firsthand that Maslow hits the nail right on the head above, and I’ve felt the symptoms of the pathology he describes for the very same reasons which he attributes to it. I know from my own experience, how disappointing relationships can be. Their hardships are typically more frequent and traumatizing for the handicapped. I’m just fortunate to have the mental constitution that allows me to withstand such sad times without drinking or doing drugs or harboring thoughts of suicide. Living without love has never drawn me into into such thinking and behaviors, though it saddens me often.
Now understand that I’m not taking any sort of credit for this. Indeed, I’m humbled to be strong in this way. I must admit though, that while I may not drink when rejected, I do tend to eat too much of the wrong foods. So perhaps I’m as fragile as you, since the ultimate outcomes of excess drinking and excess eating are similar – a shortened life of reduced quality. Is food addiction any less pathogenic than alcoholism? Maybe if I didn’t open my heart to rejection so often, perhaps I wouldn’t overeat as much and thus, finally and permanently lose these 30 pounds I’ve struggled with since the early eighties. Definitely something to think about, because it may be that the overall best way to maximize one’s chances of getting his dream girl, is not to try as often as he can, but instead, to try as smartly as he can. Sheer numbers only work so well, but then, you have to get smart to do better. Indeed, escaping the fate of living without love is more difficult for the handicapped.
