Tom's Love Quest

Dear [Mentat],

Well, the possibilities of a blind person becoming a jet pilot would seem to be markedly lower than mine of finding my dream girl, and so his dream would be more unrealistic as a result. After all, I at least have   some   experience with such women on my arm, not to mention the fact that many other men of similar gifts to myself have already done what I wish to do. The same is not true of the [aspiring] blind pilot though. He would probably never have an opportunity to fly a plane, even with an experienced pilot holding his hand. Plus, there would be no others like him in the air to illustrate the achievability of his dream. There would be no hero, no one whose footsteps he could follow, and little encouragement in general. So he has far less reason than I, for holding on to his dream [of becoming an aviator]. [Few] have done his [dream], but many have done mine successfully.

Further, the dream of becoming a pilot would seem to be higher in [Maslow's] needs hierarchy (levels four and five) than that of fulfilling the love needs. As such, his is a less urgent dream, and normally, its thwarting injures to a lesser degree an otherwise healthy man’s psyche than having to become resigned to never finding a lover. I suspect that far fewer people suffer psychopathological consequences who must give up their dreams of flying planes, than who must live their lives without love. You’re right that the blind pilot would do well to think about his dream rationally, realize that [the] chances of it coming true approach zero, and then choose a more attainable goal from the [many] choices available. However, I’m sure you also understand, as you indicate, that the lower the need is in the needs hierarchy, the less effective can rational thinking be at quelling it, and the fewer the ways there are to gratify it. So while we might rightly expect the blind pilot to find something more fitting to do, expecting a man seeking love to find a more fruitful quest is quite a different [and dubious] matter. I think you get this [...].

Also, before your email this past Sunday, I thought that you attributed too much flexibility and changeability to the love need [as though it's an optional need]. I was skeptical [...] that you had managed to appreciably reduce its fire without actually gratifying it. But I [wanted to say that] if the need really is not urgent for you, then that’s wonderful that you’ve learned how to put aside our carnal urges [...].

Now some of this I wrote before last Sunday and it may not therefore apply now. So just ignore the issues mentioned that you’ve already addressed. That said, the tone of the emails up until Sunday [suggested] that [you're] convinced that giving up the love dream in the healthy person should not seriously impact his “psychical well being,” and you’ve hinted that if it does, then that person is [...] weaker than he could be, too obsessive, too needy, not as self-sufficient as he ought to be, or not as advanced [...]. But again, gratifying the mating desire with anything else but a real mate just doesn’t work as well in most people. If you can do it, then you are way the exception [...] and I admire your resolve to do it, given the situation you laid out yesterday.

[We need love, and that's okay.] I recommend that you reread   Motivation and Personality   because Maslow discusses at length the pathologies (negative consequences) of thwarting any of the basic needs, and he lists lots of complications that can (and so often do) result from ungratified love needs. The data suggest that letting this desire go unfulfilled would   naturally   threaten even an otherwise mentally healthy person’s psychical well-being, because more so than level four and five needs deprivation, the unsatisfied love need causes measurable sickness in people — shorter, less healthy lives, less ability to concentrate, greater tendencies toward harmful addictions, more tendency to behave anti-socially, and on and on. In short, people aren’t in any meaningful way inadequate for having the love need, even though that need makes them more vulnerable to others. Blaming the lovelorn for their sickness of love starvation is little more useful than maligning a man for becoming parched when he has no water to drink. I may not be good enough for most women as I am. Yet the empirical data I have suggest that I   am   good enough for   some. I stay on the quest because all I’m dong is trying to fulfill a destiny laid out by human nature. I’m thirsty, and I not only have the right, but also the obligation, to do whatever I can to quench that thirst, lest I spend the rest of my life lonely, an abbreviated life at that.

There is no more immediate use for one’s brain power and talents, than self-gratification. My mother says often, “Tom, you’re wasting your brain and your education sitting up in that room all the time.” But I say, “No, I’m not because now more than ever, I’m finally focused squarely on what really matters.” Not sure she understands that fully. But that answer seems to satisfy her. Being happily involved is a right that one day I hope to enjoy. My need for love indicates strong (not weak) health.

Tom Hesley