Cheating Destiny
Dear [Mentat],
The only problem with trying to take charge of social evolutionary forces is that we would likely not realize the fruits of our efforts, which might not ripen for generations. Though social or cultural evolution would seem to occur more quickly than biological evolution, it still takes decades to modestly change public attitudes (abortion rights), and centuries to alter them fundamentally (civil rights), though this lag might shorten in the future thanks to mass media and the Internet. In the meantime though, the need for love appears deeply entrenched in our psyches, and I don’t know if you could preserve the positive side of pursuing a need while omitting the negative, especially in level three and lower needs [referring here to Maslow's hierarchy of needs triangle]. If you could, then the need really wouldn’t be a need anymore, since there would be no negative consequences when thwarted. Removing the negative effects of a need would seem tantamount therefore to eliminating the need itself, which, as noted, is quite an undertaking, and perhaps more difficult than biting the bullet and just gratifying it.
At any rate, for us, it seems that whatever path we choose (to seek a happy life either with or without a mate), we’re talking about a grueling journey. It isn’t easy no matter how we go. Which way to actually go boils down to personal preference, for by the time one weighs the known pros and cons of the single and the mated life styles, in the end the decision to the outside observer seems about as arbitrary as tossing a coin. A therapist in Philly used to assuage my anxieties over such choices by pointing this out. She thought that if we understand that much of what moves us to choose as we do is beyond our conscious comprehension, and thus unpredictable, that this would help us blame ourselves less for choices that turn out to be wrong. [We'd thus] fret less over those future choices that might be wrong.
I don’t know that this worked all that well for me, but I saw where she was coming from and in certain circumstances at work, found that I could make impacting decisions more decisively and quickly, simply by going with my gut and taking a let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may attitude. Indeed, once I moved into higher positions, any decision generated opposition. No matter how extensively researched a choice was, when that choice affected others, as high-level decisions invariably do, people fight it. So it doesn’t make sense to agonize over it too much. No matter how good it is, you just won’t please everyone. The important thing is, when possible, to please yourself.
I believe the choice to seek the mate we need, or to seek not to need one, is such a choice. It’s a gamble for sure. But one sure thing about it is that no matter how we choose, there will be pain. And who’s to say that one outcome is reachable with any less hardship than the other? I suppose that it really depends on the guts of the individuals choosing – those seemingly irrational forces that sway us one way or another though we can’t express exactly how or why.
Now we’ve turned this choice upside down and inside out over the past few months, and exposed plenty of good reasons and bad for choosing either way. It was a good exercise and certainly not a waste of time. However, I don’t think, given all this, that further justifying my position will do any more good. Quite reasonably, it doesn’t make sense, for all the reasons you’ve cited, to keep trying for something [a life of love with an attractive mate] that probably can never happen. But in spite of all the rationale and empirical data we’ve exchanged that would seem to place us at a severe disadvantage in the mating arena, my heart still longs for my dream girl. Maybe this is a shortcoming on my part. But it’s a part of me that I must cater to since it dominates my life.
I know you understand what I mean, because your choice of careers in college would seem most unlikely for blind men to pick, much less succeed at. Yet you persist and have done so for going on three decades now, to get it right. You know that no matter the odds, you just can’t turn your back on it. I’m the same about my dream girl. I’ll either make this happen or die trying. You’ve apparently made progress because your grades are better now than in the 90s, your overall level of depression is lower, and your psychical disposition is healthier than you’ve ever known I suspect. And as I’ve said, I’ve made progress too in that the amount of time I spend with ladies is higher since 2000 than at any time previous. Plus, I enjoy it more because the ladies I’m picking are closer to my ideal. Our respective goals may not be instantly achievable. But we’re both progressing, and that’s the real bottom line.
