Telling Too Much
Dear [Mentat],
It’s hard to say. But now that you’re more experienced, you’ll no doubt take a more moderate approach to divulgence in relationships, and so will probably tend less to drown them in excessive, and I might add, needless revelations. Unfortunately, [...] people just won’t understand much of your history and why you chose to handle things as you have. [...]
They need not know everything, and you’re under no obligation to tell them specifics about anything you did prior to their meeting you. Avoid the trap of believing that you’re doing them some big service by airing your dirty laundry. You’re not. In most cases, they’ll use it against you in a New York minute. And they won’t care how thoughtful and selfless you were by taking the big risk of telling them. So be careful.
All that really matters (or should really matter at least) is how you relate to them in the here and now. I believe we’ve all done at least a few reprehensible things on the way to where we stand today. This is true even of those who would back away from [a] racy history [of a new date]. You may have shocked that girl with your memory dump. But I bet you’d have been shocked had she laid herself as completely open to you as you did yourself to her.
We all have skeletons in the closet. It’s too bad we can’t just take them out for all to see. Though while I’m eager for the day that humanity evolves beyond the need for secrets, it has not achieved this yet. Now we should all do our parts to stop the proliferation of secrets by adopting less stand-offish positions in our interpersonal relations, but not so much that we scare others away. Be open, but not transparent. She really need not know why you tick the way you do, so long as you tick in ways that please her.
But, if you feel you must tell all in order to preserve a clear conscience, then go ahead. Tell them. While as indicated, this would not be my first choice of operating procedure, I recognize that it’s not a totally bad one either. You’d discourage many women with your blatant candor; ladies that you would not if you hide your darker past initially. Yet there are women who fall in love with guys on death row knowing full well his guilt of murder. Others love child abusers, drug addicts, deadbeat dads, and so on. Judge Judy often tries cases involving a beautiful female plaintiff who’s been unfairly slighted by a jerky male defendant. So clearly, since your past isn’t as bad as most of these fellows’, I expect that even if you bare your soul, you’d still find someone who’d want you. A man need not be perfect to be lovable.
