2006-07 Month In Review
Monday, July 31st, 2006[Emmy] and I continue seeing each other frequently during July of 2006, and we talk on the phone every day for hours sometimes. We did camp this month. She stayed with me through every DJ gig even though some of that old music probably bored her. She never complained once and was always eager to sit for hours through another gig, and another, and another. She’s definitely the best friend I’ve ever had, and I enjoy being able to help her.
It makes me feel useful that she needs me. Indeed, through [Emmy], the universe has bestowed on me a profound gift: That gift is the purpose that being legitimately needed by someone provides. She needs me, and I need to be needed.
[Emmy] accepts me as I am and has not once suggested that I change anything. This is the very sort of blanket, unconditional acceptance I’ve sought throughout adulthood. But it’s not enough, I fear.
I’m still concerned that I’m not in love with [Emmy]. Maybe the increasing depth of our friendship will eventually enable me to forget this desire, and I’ll learn to be complete without its fulfillment. So far though, our abiding kinship has not washed the emptiness from my heart. I’m still missing something very big. Specifically, my dream girl has yet to come. So though I’m with [Emmy] often, I am nonetheless very much alone too. I miss my dream girl. Can I ever live happily, knowing that she’ll never come?
Numerous apparently happy couples advise that in the end, all you really have is a great friendship anyway. The romance, electricity, and eroticism do not last, they declare. But I hope to find someone where they do last. I hope there’s more than just a good friendship because I’ve always dreamed of that more.
Will I be forced to admit that I’ve been questing after phantoms all these years? If so, that would devastate me more than the solitude has. I don’t think I could face a reality like that.
