Tom's Love Quest

Dear [Melinda],

Interesting idea about moving to the southeast or southwest. I’m glad that you feel that you can trust me enough to enter into business together. However, my life mission is set, at least for the foreseeable future. As we’ve discussed, I want to resolve this weighty mating issue one way or another, and then document the journey in my autobiography. Perhaps one day, when I have more of the story written, I’ll share it with you and you can help me edit it and resolve any legal issues with it. Also, Diane (my sister) is married and her husband has a thriving barbershop up the road here in Bellwood. She’d never move. Besides, if you get yourself healthy, you’ll be better able to tolerate the varied climates of the northeast. I can help you charge your immune system if you wish. It would be an interesting project. But if you can’t wait to move out west until your health improves, I understand, and I support whatever decisions you make.

Great move on getting rid of the brownies. Remember this: Refined sugar is poison due to its numerous upsetting effects on the body’s homeostasis. You might check out Dr. Gabe Mirkin’s website:

http://www.drmirkin.com/

From him, I learned most of what I know about nutrition, health, and fitness. There are also numerous articles on women’s issues, and others that deal with treatments for common ailments, including fibromyalgia.

On taking shots to strengthen your immunity to dog dander: Be careful here. Your immune system may not take well to putting man-made substances (the shots) into your body. If you are truly allergic to [your dog], you may need to give her up altogether for a while.

I’m glad to help.

Tom Hesley

Hi [Melinda].

On the power reduction on a laptop: If you’re running windows, you can move the mouse into the desktop area and right click, and then pick Properties from the resulting menu. Then, choose the Screen Saver tab, and then press the Power button. You can then choose options like how long the monitor and disk drives stay on when there’s no keyboard activity. Shortening these times saves energy and will allow for longer battery life.

Yes, the body does carry extra water weight when meeting or exceeding daily calorie intake needs. You will shrink a little, very quickly, when you reduce your consumed calories.

Hmmmm, perhaps you’ll need to invest in a VERY good vacuum cleaner, one that removes more dust and doesn’t blow any of it back into the room. Kirby machines (like the one I had at Copper Creek Court) are good this way. Then you won’t suffer so much when you play with your dog.

Today, I applied a few updates to the alumni web site where you found me. My sister came and cleaned my bedroom for me this morning. She has fibromyalgia and has difficulty working full-time. So Mom and I hired her as our housekeeper. Mostly dusting and vacuuming.

Tom

Dear [Melinda],

Well, at this point, whatever you must do to get well, you’d probably better do it. You sounded none too good over the weekend.

Yep, I looked at all your pics on match. You look about the same as I remember.

I don’t mean to sound cold-hearted. But sometimes, being honest means being bluntly cold. Therefore, the reason I’ve stuck with [Emmy] for so long is because I haven’t, during the past four years, found someone who really attracts me (except for the ballerina). If [she] and I would have lasted, [Emmy] and I would not have. As we’ve discussed, [Emmy] helps take the painful edge off of being alone. I care a great deal for her, yes. But I don’t love her romantically, even though I am very sensitive to her feelings.

Further, dropping contact with you was NOT easy for me, and it took quite some time to arrive at that decision.

Finally, I’m not looking for much EXCITEMENT in my relationships. In fact, [Emmy] and I have a very calm, stable friendship, without drama. The only missing thing is that I feel no sexual attraction for her. You may be right that perhaps one day, I’ll decide that it’s the friendship that is ultimately important. But for now, I just can’t give up the hope of finding a sexually alluring mate.

I’m glad you’re feeling better, and hope you can beat that cold very soon.

Later,
Tom

Dear [Melinda],

Technically, I was not a Junior. My dad’s middle name was Eugene, and my middle name is John.

Yes, give your immune system a rest and get rid of the lipsticks and other cosmetics. They’re not good for the body, and without them, I’m certain that your natural beauty would carry the day for you.

Yes, there are a few dance studios around here, although I’m not sure if they host many dance parties. They may however.

Materialistic people? Well, moving away from NJ probably won’t solve that problem for you. You’d need to move out of the West and go some third-world place where the western ideals haven’t yet taken hold. You probably won’t find too many spots in this country where people dismiss the material amenities.

The thought of Indian restaurants makes my stomach growl. I love the curry chicken, various chutneys, and the garlic nan. Oh, I cold eat these all the time.

I went to many of the restaurants in Philly, although I don’t remember their names very well. But there was the Vietnamese restaurant in south Philly that I used to frequent. Each table had a cooking station and you got to cook your own food. I used to go there every couple weeks. Yum. Generally however, I ate at Starbucks, Hard Rock Café, and Friday’s. There were a couple of Chinese restaurants in the northeast, which I loved as well.

These days however, I don’t eat out much, because I like to know what’s in my food, and with American restaurants especially, it’s hard to tell what sorts of preservatives, sugars, and added fats are lurking within. But I’ll still dine out now ant then, and do tend to favor the ethnic places when I have access to them.

Tom Hesley

[Melinda],

I moved to Frankford because of the Frankford Transportation Center. Very easy from there to get to just about any other part of the city. I had a place on Oxford Ave., about three blocks from the terminal.

Chestnut Hill, yes. I’ve walked around there a few times and attended parties in the area. ‘twas a nice place in the 90s, and I wondered how long it would take for the North Philly cancer to reach there. Yep, spent lots of time on City Avenue, particularly around Monument Ave. I had friends that lived over there. I remember when learning the buses, visiting every Acme grocery store in Philly, and one of them was located at 76th and City.

Size 12 double D feet on a woman? Wow. Sounds like some sort of aberration to say the least. My favorite foot size on a lady is around 6 to 8, and high arches are a plus.     And soft soles are an even bigger plus. Well, hopefully, that fellow is happy with his giant woman. You didn’t need him.

Hang in there and remain hopeful. Even if you never find your man, well, at least you can derive energy from the hope of doing so.

Later,
Tom

Dear [Melinda],

Cute dog. She looks like a show dog.  

Yes, I thought something like a dead battery was the culprit. Amazing that it lasted as long as it did. That must be a pretty good phone you have there.

We’ll talk again soon. In the meantime, get yourself well. Otherwise, you’re likely to cough up your insides!  

Later,
Tom Hesley

Dear [Melinda],

Yes, Altoona is very depressed since the Con Rail railroad system was sold to Norfolk Southern. However, there are lots of stores and places to eat. I never understood how so many places like that could survive in this area. But they do. Yes, you could buy property here. But I wouldn’t count on making much money upon selling it, even if you held on to it for ten years. Things don’t appreciate around here very rapidly. But if you were just looking for rental income, that would work.

Altoona has cold winters, since it’s nestled in the mountains. In fact, a common epitaph for Altoona is   The Mountain City.   But the summers can get pretty warm (ten to twenty days a year above 90 degrees). There are lots of woods, rivers, and creeks around. In fact, we have on here that runs along the bottom of the property. I had a pavilion put up out back, where I sit on the swings doing my reading and writing during the summer months. Sometimes, when it’s real quiet, you can hear the river flowing. However, we don’t usually have quiet times like that, with the I-99 highway running along the mountainside just above the river.

No, we don’t get too many lake effect snowstorms. The mountains probably stop them. But every now and then, a really big one comes through. We get more squalls than anything.

My book is more autobiographical than anything, and if long titles were allowed, might be called something like: How I found my dream girl without being a dream guy. Or: How I learned to live without finding my dream girl. In it I dispel many of the myths about dating that I once believed to be true, and trace the events that shaped those evolutionary thought processes. Some who’ve read pieces or heard me speak about it say that it sounds like philosophy, although I hope they don’t think it too dry and fall asleep while reading it.

I’ll call you tonight, around 8:30, and if you’re around, we can talk more then.

My number is: 814-xxx-xxxx

Later,
Tom Hesley

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• Coping With The Ultimate Rejection

Dear [Melinda],

Yes, as you had set expectations, so did I. I tend to be most drawn to women my height or taller, thin, white, and agnostic.

Hopefully, we’ll have that unique friendship again, which you think of so fondly.

It’s hard to date others when someone has captured your heart. Sorry it didn’t work out with your Jewish entrepreneur.

On my earnings in Ohio: Well, I was not earning $90K when we were neighbors. At that time (circa 1995), I earned about $50K. I didn’t start making the   big   bucks      until 1997, when I began leading a software support team. Then Y2K came, and the software I supported then experienced no glitches. So I got some pretty big raises that year, totaling a 20% salary increase.

Hmmm, for some reason, I thought you were earning $60K in Dayton.

On taking a loss when you sold your condo: I also took a loss, when I sold my house in 1997, In fact, I was still $6K in the hole when the deal was done. These days, I have no debt – all student loans paid off, as well as all credit cards and installment loans. It feels great.

On [that guy from Pittsburgh]: Man, he must have had money to burn, signing up for classes and then dropping out on the first day. Oh well, at least he probably didn’t have to pay much, especially if CMU was like Pitt. At Pitt, they gave you two weeks to Add / Drop classes without having to pay for the whole class. Still though, I bet that decision cost him or his family thousands, as expensive as CMU is. Perhaps all he really wanted was to prove to himself that he could get into a prestigious school. I don’t know.

I remember visiting his neighborhood in Pittsburgh in the 80s. Nice place then. Not sure how it is today, although the surrounding neighborhoods have definitely declined. Anyway, when he and I attended college together, we had a party or two at a friend’s place just down the road from [that guy's] Mom’s place.

[That guy from Pittsburgh] went by the nickname   Steele   in our crowd, and I don’t remember anyone speaking ill of him, although he wasn’t overly popular either. That’s how my relationship to the crowd was, and perhaps that’s why he and I got along well then.

Oh yes, the good ole’ apartment Laundromats. I don’t believe I’d do well in an apartment these days. I hate other people’s noise, particularly when then slam doors or play loud music. Their cigarette smoke is no fun either. Now I don’t mind noise (when I want to make it).      But unwelcome noise is just such a nasty intrusion! I had that problem in two apartments in Philly – thus one reason for leaving there. Also, in 1999, I was mugged and slightly injured as a result (5 stitches on my head). Had I been able to afford living in Ardmore, the experience probably would have been far different – for the better. But as it was, I had to get out of there. At least, here at Mom’s, it’s quiet most of the time.

Mom has many health problems these days, and I’m not sure how much longer she’ll be with us.

On your Philly condo: I used to walk around Locust street often, particularly between 12th and 15th streets. Again, you picked a wonderful place to live. During my first year there, I lived at 22nd and the parkway, very close to the art museum. That was nice, but the rent was $1210 / month. So in the second year, I went to Frankford – please don’t laugh. I know now that that was a stupid move, particularly since it was in Frankford that I was mugged. Then, after that, I moved up to the far northeast, to Red Lion Road and Bustleton Avenue. The area was pretty good, but I had noisy neighbors. Finally, after three apartments, I realized that it was time to leave.

Sorry you’re not sleeping better. I don’t know your eating patterns these days, but I’ve found that I sleep much better if I avoid eating any later than four hours prior to bed time. Of course that means that you need to eat something pretty hearty at super so you won’t get hungry before going to sleep.

Well, we’ll talk more later.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Melinda],

Oh, most definitely I want to stay in touch. Let’s communicate for a while and see how it goes. Philly is four hours from here by car (six by train), but perhaps when it’s warm, we could spend an afternoon in Rittenhouse Square or walking up and down South Street, and make a weekend of it. We’ll see.

[Emmy] and I met in 2003 and dated until early in 2004. Then we stopped for about a year and a half. However, since the summer of 2005, we’ve spent at least one week a month together, either here, or at her place, or at a summer camp we both attend. I care a great deal for her. However, there’s no sexual attraction, and shallow as this may seem, I want to be sexually enthralled with my mate. Otherwise, the relationship feels incomplete. The sexual aspects are just as important to me as her good character, much like both chocolate and sugar are required to create a tasty cake. Who’s to say which one is more important to creating the over-all goodness of the cake? I need them both.

Actually, [Emmy] lives in Pittsburgh, and we take turns visiting each other each month. She’s scheduled to come here next in March. Yes, if she went far away, I’d miss her, and if she were to die, I’d certainly cry the blues. Yet there’s just something missing. I’m convinced of that because back in 2004, I dated a Romanian ballerina for a couple months. Now that relationship had everything I wanted. She was beautiful and exotic, accepted me, was not put off by my low vision, and didn’t mind driving here to see me. However, she stopped communicating one day without explanation. I believe what happened was that she was looking for a way back to Romania. She used to talk much about the two of us going there together. But at 43 years old, I wasn’t interested in relocating much less paying to relocate her as well (she had little money). And I feared that once back there, she’d up and leave me. I was bothered by how quickly she began talking about us getting married. (after only a month of dating).

Funny. It was exactly what I wanted. But things started moving way too fast for me, and I cautioned her to slow down. She didn’t like that, and I heard from her no more. After our last visit, she refused my calls and emails to her went unanswered. Yet while that relationship didn’t last long, it showed me that the sort of happiness I seek is at least   possible,  and it gave me a better idea of what to look for to maximize the chances of recreating it. Unfortunately however, I have no such feelings for [Emmy]. Though I wish full well that I did, the reality is that I don’t. And since, as we’ve discussed, we don’t easily control who turns us on, learning to romantically love [Emmy], I believe, is impossible, particularly since I’ve not been able to manage it after nearly four years of knowing her.

On making the quest for   The One   one’s primary goal in life: Yes, I’ve heard that age-old refrain that says that your best chance of finding what you want is to not look for it, and it will find you. But I’ve never been good at just sitting back and hoping for the best. I’ve got to be proactive. Besides for a number of years at [work], I didn’t raise a finger to find Her, as I was busy building my reputation. Yet, she never came. On the other hand, I spent three plus years in Philly and [...] hit the clubs, bars, dance halls, and skating rinks nearly every weekend. Same result. She never came.

So today, I have no evidence to prove that either the passive or active approach is best. But in other areas of my life, like my career, I know that a passive approach would   definitely not   have worked. If I would have just put my feet up and waited for success to come, I’d still be waiting. I see no reason therefore to suppose that a passive approach to securing a good love relationship would be any more likely to succeed than a passive approach to becoming a lead software engineer would be. Since appropriate action (as opposed to taking no action at all) is usually what wins the worthwhile prizes in life, I believe that for me, actively searching has the best chance of yielding good results, though admittedly, it hasn’t worked for me yet either. You’re right however. Some people can indeed sit back and wait for it to happen, particularly if they’re very attractive. For such people, opportunity will find them without them reaching for it at all. But it doesn’t work that way for most of us. More on that at another time.

While I acknowledge the possibility of   willfully falling in love,   I’ve never seen it happen to me. At least, not yet. Instead, I tend to learn more toward believing in   love at first sight  (LAFS). That, I have indeed seen several times. In my experience, the most enduring and passionate love is recognized within the first minute or two of meeting. Contrary to popular belief, a slowly growing love is not necessarily the strongest, most binding love. Again, we can talk at length about my reasons for holding to this view later. It’s rather involved and takes more time to explain than I can spend this evening. But now, we’re treading into topics that I’m writing about in my book. So it’d be cool to bounce some of my ideas off of you.

Changing the subject a bit: No, you were a very good friend. Never doubt that. Yes, I responded to your mentioning our day in Cincinnati. At times, I even dream of it.

Well, I’m off to bed. Get lots of rest and I hope you start feeling better soon.

Tom Hesley

[Melinda],

Thanks for the pictures.

I’m sorry I hurt you [when I ended communication with you in 1998]. I didn’t realize that you cared as deeply as you did. And, at the time, it seemed that maintaining a friendship would be masochistic, since I figured that I’d always want more than you could give. You had the emotional upper-hand, or so I thought then, and I just didn’t know how to deal with that power imbalance, other than to break off all contact. I should caution you that if we were to resurrect our friendship, this may still trouble me. I’d likely still find you tempting, and I might want to hold your hand from time to time if we ever got together, or give you foot rubs, or feel you hug me. I wouldn’t need any all-the-way sex, but might feel slighted if you withheld all your other affections from me. However today, I believe I possess the emotional maturity to cope with this better than I could have eight years ago, now that I understand that your romantic   disinterest   in me is not really your fault. Likewise though, I hope that you would not hold my   interest   in you against me. I hope you would not cheapen it and assume that it’s only sexual. It was then, much more encompassing than just that.

It’s good that you contacted me again.

By the way, have you ever heard again from [the guy from Pittsburgh]? I’ve wondered about him too.

Well, on the high heels: You looked great to me without them. You always did, and I never felt as though you were missing something for not wearing them. In fact, IMHO, you looked best in jeans and tennis shoes. No need to ruin your body to look beautiful. If you ever come across your dream guy, he’ll like you whether you’re wearing high heels, flats, or sneakers even. Have you ever read Naomi Wolf’s book “The Beauty Myth”? While she appears somewhat radical in her views about how and why women have come to believe that they must torture themselves with high heels, girdles, tight clothes, and the like, I do agree with her underlying message that a woman’s beauty is not defined by such devices, nor even augmented much by them. When a woman really excites me, she does so no matter what she wears so long as she’s clean. Unfortunately, the clothing and cosmetics industries do their marketing so well that they have women believing that they’re not good enough to be seen in public unless they wear the mascara, the stockings, the heels, and such. Rubbish!

On the herringbone necklace: Gosh I forgot all about that. I still wish you would have taken it though, as long as we could have gone to dinner, and I could have seen you wear it from time to time. I love the way they reflect the light – like yellow-orange mirrors. But you probably did the right thing by declining it. That would have created additional awkward difficulties between us. Unfortunately, at present, I cannot afford such a wonderful piece. However, if ever I become a successful writer, I’ll buy you one even more magnificent than that one twelve years ago. And I’ll not take no for an answer this time. I should have insisted that you take it then. But we had too much strong will in our friendship from the both of us, and I didn’t want to force the issue.

On your job: You must be doing well, particularly since you seem to derive much pleasure from it. I’m happy for you. When I left [work], I was earning about $90K / year, but the stress was killing me, and after a couple jolting chest pains and an enlarged thyroid, and after numerous other happenings which we can discuss in detail sometime, I had to get out. Giving up that income was beforehand quite scary, and afterwards quite difficult. I’m still adjusting to it, nearly four years later. But I’m glad I did it. No chest pains since. Yes, having control is important to the sense that the job is good.

Well, I’m off to bed. I’m going to attempt to write a few pages tomorrow morning (that’s when I’m the most creative), so I want to be fresh.

Oh yes, on calling you: I won’t be able to try until the weekend. My sister is taking me shopping tomorrow night. So when would be a good time to call (on Friday night, Saturday, or Sunday)? Let me know, and I’ll call you then.

Later,
Tom Hesley