Dear Melinda
Dear [Melinda],
Oh, most definitely I want to stay in touch. Let’s communicate for a while and see how it goes. Philly is four hours from here by car (six by train), but perhaps when it’s warm, we could spend an afternoon in Rittenhouse Square or walking up and down South Street, and make a weekend of it. We’ll see.
[Emmy] and I met in 2003 and dated until early in 2004. Then we stopped for about a year and a half. However, since the summer of 2005, we’ve spent at least one week a month together, either here, or at her place, or at a summer camp we both attend. I care a great deal for her. However, there’s no sexual attraction, and shallow as this may seem, I want to be sexually enthralled with my mate. Otherwise, the relationship feels incomplete. The sexual aspects are just as important to me as her good character, much like both chocolate and sugar are required to create a tasty cake. Who’s to say which one is more important to creating the over-all goodness of the cake? I need them both.
Actually, [Emmy] lives in Pittsburgh, and we take turns visiting each other each month. She’s scheduled to come here next in March. Yes, if she went far away, I’d miss her, and if she were to die, I’d certainly cry the blues. Yet there’s just something missing. I’m convinced of that because back in 2004, I dated a Romanian ballerina for a couple months. Now that relationship had everything I wanted. She was beautiful and exotic, accepted me, was not put off by my low vision, and didn’t mind driving here to see me. However, she stopped communicating one day without explanation. I believe what happened was that she was looking for a way back to Romania. She used to talk much about the two of us going there together. But at 43 years old, I wasn’t interested in relocating much less paying to relocate her as well (she had little money). And I feared that once back there, she’d up and leave me. I was bothered by how quickly she began talking about us getting married. (after only a month of dating).
Funny. It was exactly what I wanted. But things started moving way too fast for me, and I cautioned her to slow down. She didn’t like that, and I heard from her no more. After our last visit, she refused my calls and emails to her went unanswered. Yet while that relationship didn’t last long, it showed me that the sort of happiness I seek is at least possible, and it gave me a better idea of what to look for to maximize the chances of recreating it. Unfortunately however, I have no such feelings for [Emmy]. Though I wish full well that I did, the reality is that I don’t. And since, as we’ve discussed, we don’t easily control who turns us on, learning to romantically love [Emmy], I believe, is impossible, particularly since I’ve not been able to manage it after nearly four years of knowing her.
On making the quest for The One one’s primary goal in life: Yes, I’ve heard that age-old refrain that says that your best chance of finding what you want is to not look for it, and it will find you. But I’ve never been good at just sitting back and hoping for the best. I’ve got to be proactive. Besides for a number of years at [work], I didn’t raise a finger to find Her, as I was busy building my reputation. Yet, she never came. On the other hand, I spent three plus years in Philly and [...] hit the clubs, bars, dance halls, and skating rinks nearly every weekend. Same result. She never came.
So today, I have no evidence to prove that either the passive or active approach is best. But in other areas of my life, like my career, I know that a passive approach would definitely not have worked. If I would have just put my feet up and waited for success to come, I’d still be waiting. I see no reason therefore to suppose that a passive approach to securing a good love relationship would be any more likely to succeed than a passive approach to becoming a lead software engineer would be. Since appropriate action (as opposed to taking no action at all) is usually what wins the worthwhile prizes in life, I believe that for me, actively searching has the best chance of yielding good results, though admittedly, it hasn’t worked for me yet either. You’re right however. Some people can indeed sit back and wait for it to happen, particularly if they’re very attractive. For such people, opportunity will find them without them reaching for it at all. But it doesn’t work that way for most of us. More on that at another time.
While I acknowledge the possibility of willfully falling in love, I’ve never seen it happen to me. At least, not yet. Instead, I tend to learn more toward believing in love at first sight (LAFS). That, I have indeed seen several times. In my experience, the most enduring and passionate love is recognized within the first minute or two of meeting. Contrary to popular belief, a slowly growing love is not necessarily the strongest, most binding love. Again, we can talk at length about my reasons for holding to this view later. It’s rather involved and takes more time to explain than I can spend this evening. But now, we’re treading into topics that I’m writing about in my book. So it’d be cool to bounce some of my ideas off of you.
Changing the subject a bit: No, you were a very good friend. Never doubt that. Yes, I responded to your mentioning our day in Cincinnati. At times, I even dream of it.
Well, I’m off to bed. Get lots of rest and I hope you start feeling better soon.
