Tom's Love Quest

[Melinda],

Thanks for looking this over, and you’re right.  I indeed   shouldn’t   have to write anything like [the letter we've been discussing, that attempts to play on a woman's compassion or pity, to get her to agree to go out].  In fact, the thought of actually responding to a real life rejection with this, quite unsettles me.  But I am getting on in years, and I’d like to do everything I can to live the dream of mutual true love in the time I have left, at least for a few years anyhow.  I think, at this point, that the conventional advice that the pop psych books give for finding a true love has not worked, and I’ve followed it faithfully for years.  It’s now time for a radically different approach. 

Yes, one’s attitude plays a significant role in how attractive others perceive him.  However, the attitude is but one factor among many that ultimately determines his rating by others on a scale of 1 to 10.   In fact, recent research indicates that attitude has a relatively minor impact on one’s perceived mate-ability, particularly when there are outstanding physical attributes to consider.  E.g. The better looking a female boss, the more likely she’ll be perceived as competent by her subordinates and peers.  The more unattractive, the less competent she’s perceived to be, despite no objective differences in actual competence being noted.  Dr. Joy Browne discussed these findings yesterday in the first hour of her radio show. 

Also consider that a person with a deformed face for example, can have a flawless attitude.  Yet he’ll still in all likelihood be an outcast.  Physical attributes such as facial symmetry and unblemished skin affect others’ perceptions at very deep levels, and would seem to have a greater overall impact on how others regard the individual, irrespective of his personality.  I know this to be true from first-hand knowledge because I went to school with nearly 20 people whose faces and bodies were horrifically distorted from birth defects, cerebral palsy, and muscular dystrophy as well as those maimed in motorcycle accidents and other mishaps.  I saw their pain as others shunned them, and I cried for them.  Believe me when I say that in these extreme situations (and among these would be the existence of a widely recognized deformity or disability), not even a pristine attitude can overcome the negative effects of bad looks.  The mind is a wonderful tool.  But it has limits.  Some difficulties do not have cerebral solutions.  Indeed, your own story of how you changed your thinking and as a result, attracted more of the people you wanted to attract was heartening.  However, I note that you are, as of yet, still unmarried.  Apparently perfecting this   attitude   that you speak of is not a sufficient condition for finding a mate.    There’s much more to it.

No, it’s not that I’m unhappy with who I am, or my limitations.  I’ve learned to accept them long ago.  What it is, is that I’ve tried very often (thousands of times, as mentioned), and very often, the excuse I get from these women is that they want someone who drives.  I’m not being a victim, just realistic [and honest]. 

Yes, my grandmother used to tell me that if people don’t like me for the person I am, then they’re not worth pursuing.  Well, that’s all well and good.  In fact, this advice is a great way to comfort a kid in school who copes with frequent bullying.  The bullies however, though significant in terms of the impact they have, are relatively few, numbering less than perhaps three to five per classroom of thirty in the more affluent school systems.  By in large, most students do not bully, and so, even when the victim disregards those who do, he still has plenty of others with whom he can form friendships.  But when discussing deformity or disability, especially as these affect   mating dynamics,   the situation differs markedly.   Most people can’t relate well with someone handicapped, either because they’re afraid, they have no desire to, or perhaps because they just don’t know how.  This phenomenon is well-documented in numerous Evolutionary Psychology books, which I’d be happy to share with you.  The long and short of it is that, in line with social Darwinism, people want healthy and fully-functional mates, hands down.  But whatever the cause, I know from personal experience (and not just from text books) that my thick glasses (which you yourself have suggested could be a source of difficulty in my dating life) negatively impact how attractive most women view me to be.   The same is true of most of my  vision-impaired friends, who like me, have no girlfriends. 

Now I know you’re trying to find fault with this analysis, claiming that there’s something wrong with my frame of mind or that I’m just whining too much.  You implied that in your most recent letter, which I’ll get to in more detail tomorrow.  But actually, I’m simply reporting on how my life has gone thus far.  I’m not playing the victim because I have been and am to this day taking numerous and definitive steps to solve the problem of insufficient quality dating in my life.  But I’m not a victim.  I’m just maintaining a healthy and clear assessment of my individual circumstances.  Now, how you respond to that will really be a good indicator of how compassionate you are, and how compatible you and I are likely to be as lovers.  So, choose your words wisely yet truthfully.   

Another thing to keep in mind is that after a rejection is received, there’s nothing to lose by sending this plea in response.    If it doesn’t persuade the rejecters to give me a fair shake, then I’ve lost nothing.  They don’t know me, and I don’t know them.  We never have to see or hear of each other again.  So what does it hurt really?  Nothing that I can see.  Besides, if it works for but a few percent, then it’s probably a worthwhile strategy when all else fails. 

Now about your end goal:  We’re agreed that ultimately, the goal is not merely to attract someone, although I must point out that doing so is an important step in reaching the end goal.  Specifically, my end goal is to get involved in a mutually fulfilling relationship for an indefinite period.  I need not have children, or marry, or even live together for that matter, though I wouldn’t turn away such offers from the right people if they materialized.  I just want sustained and fulfilling companionship, and in 2001, I swore to either accomplish this, or to die trying to get it.  So learning to live without romance is not an option, because, understand that for me, maximal happiness will not occur when walking down life’s corridors by myself. However, such a relationship [probably] cannot be established without first creating or discovering attraction.  Thus, if I want to experience the sort of passionate love from someone for whom I’m passionate, then I must first attract them.

By definition, an intimate relationship demands that we must care to a degree what they think.  After all, it’s hard to be intimate with someone without showing vulnerability to them, and altering our own lives somewhat to accommodate them.  To be successful in this sort of involvement therefore, we must regard highly what the other thinks.  So I would slightly modify what you said.  You said that the end goal is to be happy with yourself, no matter what someone else thinks.  This is true for people who aren’t seeking romantic relationships. 

But I am seeking!  :-)   Romance with someone who feels likewise makes my heart sing more loudly than any other endeavor with which I’ve experimented; and there have been hundreds, including churches, radio clubs, singles organizations, computer users groups, and the like.  Plus, I pursue many hobbies; everything from home maintenance to developing software for my DJ business, and of course, my writing.  But I’ve found that not all the greatest wines in the world can completely quench the thirst for fresh, clean, cold water.  I hoped that my software engineering career would occupy me so much that I’d forget about that one other thing that was missing – my dream girl.  But it never worked, and every night, that cold draft was there to remind me that no matter how much good work there was to be had, that it would never take the place of a true, fine lover. I no longer expect such diversions to do that, and will no longer allow them to distract me from my true purpose.   [...]

That’s wonderful that improving your health attracted more of the right people to you.  But this doesn’t work for everyone. It worked for you (to a certain albeit limited extent) because many regard you as a beautiful woman, whether you choose to accept that or not.   In other words, you’ve got a lot going for you which offsets any negativity in your attitude.  Others however, aren’t so lucky.  Again, I reference the people with the distorted faces.  I can just about guarantee that what worked for you, would not work for them.  I’d urge you therefore, to temper your righteousness on this point with a bit of humility.  Yes, your new attitude worked.  I’ll give you that.  But there were additional factors that enabled it to work   besides   the sheer will and effort you put into it.   Among others, these include your good looks which, as you know, can only be manipulated so far.  Without them, I don’t believe you would have experienced the same positive results. 

Yes, I agree that all people — whether beautiful or ugly, whether rich or poor, whether happy or sad — experience trials and tribulations.  But I do not believe that we all experience   the same degree   of hardship in the final analysis.  Let’s face it.  Life is harder for some than others.  We should not assume otherwise, even if we can’t easily quantify the levels of difficulty experienced.  We all play the same game of life, that’s true.  But the rules of that game differ for each one of us.  For the perfect tens, the game plays exceptionally easy and thus is won likewise.  But others have more difficult terrain to [navigate]. 

Now I don’t mean to come across with a woe-is-me attitude. But study after study proves that life is harder for he who suffers impairment.  Rates of depression are over twice the national average for the handicapped, and most of them report a pervasive sense of exclusion and loneliness that hangs over their lives.  As a fully-sighted woman, I don’t expect you to relate to this on a personal level, and I sincerely hope that your body never fails you in this way.  I just ask that you consider it academically valid.  Just run a couple Google searches such as “blindness and depression” or “handicap and hardship”.  You’ll get more than enough proof to convince you that anyone who grumbles about a handicap does so, not because they quit too easily and they just like complaining, but rather because they can’t escape it, and often’ there’s no way to get any sort of relief from it except by complaining and having others understand.  Hopefully, you’ll never know this sort of imprisonment. 

The idea though is that handicaps   do indeed   hold back those so encumbered.  That’s why they call them   handicaps.  The sense of futility that often accompanies them does not generally originate simply from errant thinking or lazy proclivities.  But rather, it comes as a result of the day-to-day difficulties that the host experiences.  So I’m not sure that there’s any therapeutic benefit to ignoring this reality, as you seem to be suggesting should be done.

This is good.  I need this sort of challenge.  Keep it up.  You’re making me think.

More later.

Tom Hesley

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 8th, 2007 at 7:09 pm and is filed under Acceptance, Advice, Attraction, Beauty, Concepts, Gripes, Honesty, Letters, Loneliness, Melinda, Physical Attraction, Pity, Receiving Rejection, Rejection, Special Ladies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.