So here I am some four decades into my love quest.
I’ve dated some women; some very sexy women at that. In all those relationships, except where the ladies were mostly unavailable, my sexual interest disappeared quickly; too quickly. Sometimes, it went immediately after the first encounter. The faster I was able to get her where I wanted her, the faster went my desire.
Initially, I thought I was just picking the wrong women. At other times, at least at first, I believed I had chosen correctly. Yet the closer I got, the more I saw about the women that I didn’t like, and this turned me off rapidly. This fading eroticism happened in every case in which the woman made herself completely available to me. Even my current girlfriend [Emmy] is not immune. I care about her welfare and I’d be utterly devastated if something was to happen to her. Indeed, I would marry her tomorrow except for this one “small” detail: I’m just not physically attracted to her anymore.
It’s not her. She’s still as pretty as ever. She’s 5’6’’ tall and slender, weighing in at 115 pounds. She has long legs, dark brown hair to her waist, and olive skin. She’s beautiful. She cares, and her love is pure; with no hidden agendas. She hasn’t changed much either since we met except that she has long hair now. I guess I just don’t’ see her the same way I did when we first met in 2003. Or put more precisely, I see her he same way but no longer feel interested in playing in the bedroom with her. Her beauty, though she still has it, does not impress me that way anymore.
Yes, we had a truly lustful period during our first five months together. Indeed during our first time in bed five years ago, I was so pleased that I gave thanks to the universe, promising that I’d never ask for anyone else. I didn’t need anyone else since it had finally granted me the ultimate prize; my dream girl. At that time, I believed with all my heart that my love quest had been won. Yet a few months later, all sexual desire for [Emmy] was gone. Other ladies looked so much more desirable, and I was once again begging the universe for answers, apologizing for my short-sightedness, and hoping for a chance at one or more of those beautiful strangers as well.
[Emmy] and I have been to couples therapy for this without success. We read Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity. Perel eloquently describes the problem. But after reading that book and talking to many a couple, I’m convinced that this is a very widespread issue. It’s normal that libido declines for a couple over time. But with me, it happens way too fast – within months if I’m lucky; within hours if I’m not.
This isn’t how I dreamed it would be. I thought I’d desire my dream girl forever. She’d keep me pleased forever by forever quenching that thirst, a sexual thirst that would always come back. Like with water, I’d enjoy each icy cold cup of her love, be satisfied for a time, and then get thirsty again the next day, ready once more to slurp in another wonderful dose of her. But, given a particular lady, my lust lasts not long at all, and when it goes away, it almost never returns. If it does come back, it does so only after a year or two since our last encounter. Then, if we love again, after one or two nights together, it’s gone again, for another year or two.
Is this just the nature of the beast? If I’m to commit to one woman, must I live without sexual interest in her once that early lust vanishes? If so, then I don’t want commitment! I’ve spent so much time fantasizing about a healthy, long-lived, and erotic relationship. So it’s sad to realize that my fantasy might be impossible to achieve long term, with only one woman. if I date just one, then I’ll have to live virtually without my dreams ever coming true; dreams where I have that eternal supply of pleasure that happens when eternal desire colides with eternal gratification. Unfortunately, experience shows that once the romance grows old, then the beloved becomes the plain. She becomes more like a sister or a daughter rather than a princess or a goddess. That scares me, and is why I’m afraid to commit to [Emmy], or to anyone else for that matter.
To my readers I ask: What’s your answer? Was my fantasy wrong? Must I just accept the notion that good sex is vey rare and so give up trying to find more of it from multiple partners? Is it possible to restore those lost feelings for a particular woman? Or, must I seek them from several women at once if I want to keep them alive in my life?