But I Must Play A Little
Dear [Emmy],
So, you know from my last letter that I love you. My will is to actively love you, to take care of you, and to make sure that you’re always okay and provided for. I love your personality, your smile, your playful side, and how often you laugh. But as you know, I’ve felt no eroticism for several years now. We’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong. We’ve been to group and individual therapies. We’ve read books. We’ve created our own experiments in the bedroom. But none of that has rekindled those wonderful fires of passion that I felt that first session we spent together at camp back in 2003. Nothing.
I don’t like this anymore than you. I’m tired of searching for bedroom pleasure because I have to search so much to get so little. I’m tired of spending months getting to know each new lady, only to have them become strangers again after a few years. I’m tired of the build-ups, followed by the let-downs. I’m tired of the ongoing humiliation of chronic rejection, and of women looking at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert, just because I’ve expressed a natural sexual interest in them. I’m tired of excitedly removing her clothes only to find that she’s not what I’d hoped. I’m tired of all the trickery and lies people use to attract others in the mating game. I’m tired of analyzing myself looking for problems to fix, and finding nothing that’s fixable. I’m tired of bringing new women to my family, only to discover after a short while that I’ve lost those feelings of love. And then, all must be told that it’s over. I’m tired of jilting ladies. I’m tired of repeatedly going through the same motions and winding up with the same results. I’m tired of feeling deprived so much of the time. In short, I’m tired of this whole love quest. I want to end it once and for all.
It’s not just me either. After reading numerous books about why relationships fail and watching the TV talk shows that focus on repairing broken relationships, it appears that many others suffer this fading libido too. Most (if not all) couples reach this point eventually; something I avoided believing as a young adult. Back then I was convinced that I would eventually find an all-enthralling person to fall in love with; one that I could stay in love with. But today, after questing for her for four decades and coming up empty time after time, I believe now that this forever-pleasing woman simply does not exist and that pleasures in the bedroom, by nature, just don’t last with just one woman. So this is not a problem specific to me; it’s just the fleeting nature of erotic love.
In my experience, good sex is temporary, no matter who it’s with; whether that be the ugliest woman around or the most beautiful one. Eventually the plain as well as the pretty come to have the same effect on my libido; they come to have no sexual appeal whatsoever. The unattractive one may have started out as plain to me. But after a short time, the pretty one becomes plain too. The looks of the pretty one only serve her during the early months. Then she no longer has any sexual advantage over her average-looking competitor. Contrary to my childhood beliefs, I feel today that there’s no such thing as a goddess who can keep me excited forever.
You and I have seen this in our romance, just as I have with several others. At first, I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. You were beautiful in every way. You’re still beautiful in every way. Yet I don’t have the same reaction to your beauty as when we first met. Beauty impresses me but only for a short time. After that, it becomes just another fact about the woman that I note without getting terribly excited about; like the fact that she has five fingers on each hand or that she likes rhubarb pie. Her beauty does not disappear. It just assumes less prominance in our relationship over time. It’s still there, yes. But I don’t regard it the same way as in the beginning. This demise of desire seems to be inevitable with any woman, since it’s happened every time to me, and I’ve dated several of the prettiest girls in school too. So even the sexiest are not immune.
So with that said, I’m not looking to replace you, because the same thing would happen after a short time with any new woman I might find. There is nothing wrong with you, and I’m not proposing to leave you so I can look for someone prettier to start over with. I don’t think I have the stomach or the patience for that these days. As I said in the last letter, I love what we have. I love your smile and the way you talk and hum. Your concern for me is boundless and your generosity undeniable. I am to this day amazed at all you do for me; those long massages, your dinner treats, all those long train trips you often make just to be with me, the way you grew your hair down to the middle of your back at my request, and how you check up on me whenever I’m sick. I love our shared memories which after six years together, have grown into a sizeable collection. In terms of true love, there is no purer love than yours. No woman could make me feel more appreciated, respected, doted over, and loved than you. You are a gem and I so much want to keep you in my life.
I’m perfectly satisfied with all of our relationship except for the sex. While our kisses hold a great deal of emotional value, they have today no sexual value I’m afraid. Everything we did that first summer at camp that got me so horny does nothing now. But I miss that part a lot. I wish to be horny again and I’m angry that nature has short-changed me because it drained the passion from us so quickly. Sometimes I cry over it even.
I desperately want to get that love lust back with you, but don’t know how. As you know, we’ve tried numerous exercises without success, and this was under the direction of our licensed sex therapist to boot. Had I secured more experience with sex earlier in my love quest, I might understand now that fiery sexual encounters mean little next to the sort of loving emotional bonds that we share. I might have learned to value the latter way more than the former. But sadly, that’s not what happened. I have actually enjoyed few encounters throughout my quest. So though I’m nearly fifty years old, I have yet to grow past the novelty and wonder of fantastic sex. Perhaps what we have, even without the sex, should be good enough. But it isn’t for me, at least not right now.
Now do understand that I truly need what you and I have and wish not to give it up. But I also need some good sex once in a while too. I need to feel that thrill that results when desire meets gratification. But since we’ve been unable to restore this lost joy to “us”, I feel I must go looking for it outside of us. I need to get it from other women. I need to break the bonds of chronic rejection that have kept me away from the ladies I most desire.
I know this pains you, as perhaps it should, and I’m very sorry for that. It pains me too, to see you hurting. But please know that I’m not looking to replace you; I only want to supplement you. I’ll still keep seeing you and having you visit me. You’ll always be welcome in my home and bed. We can watch I Dream of Jeannie or Star Trek like in times past. I’ll still help you do your grocery shopping and buy you gifts for your apartment. I’ll continue finding the best seats in the train for you and I’ll pour you a cup of stevia-sweetened green tea anytime you want it. I’ll still come running if anything happens to you because we are family now, and so I will never cast you aside. You simply mean too much to me for that. In short, you’ll be my buddy forever and I’ll always love you.
I would just like to find that missing piece, to have an occasional fling a few times a year in places where I can again feel that thrill that I’ve missed for so long. Our therapist suggested that I visit polyamorous parties, where guys swap girl friends and wives, and where no-strings-attached sex is the norm. People share their mates with others in arrangements like this, and I think this could be what I need to light the fire in my loins once more, and to finally make all those fantasies I’ve harbored since childhood come true. I’m eager to attend some foot parties and do a little swinging now and then. Since I would presumably be seeing lots of new women, I hope that the novelty of sex would never be exhausted, and that sex would therefore remain consistently pleasing. If it is in fact novelty and newness that turns me on about a woman, then polyamory could supply all of those I need.
This doesn’t mean that I love you less because these other ladies I wish not to know. I don’t want to be their therapist or provider, or get involved in their lives beyond the occasional encounter. No bringing them into my family, no shopping for their groceries, and no telling them my deepest secrets. In fact the less I know them, the better. Believe me, I know how long and how difficult it was to build the loving relationship we have. [Emmy], I’m not looking to build anything like that again with anyone else, because except for the sex, our relationship couldn’t be better. No other woman could love me more than you, and I’ll not be fooled into leaving you just because another warms my middle for a time. I realize that no matter how great that feeling is, that no single woman can keep it alive forever. If I get to know a beautiful woman too well, then her beauty will become meaningless. So no woman’s beauty will ever be grounds for me to end our association.
But I understand if you want to date others while I do this. Just watch out for the jerks, and let me meet them before you go off alone with them.
I can’t say if this endeavor will work. In fact, I fear that it won’t. I may find that sexual experience is not the trumped up, fantastic occurrence that I’ve dreamt it would be in my childhood and young adult years. I hope that’s not the case. But it’s possible that I have for all these years, overestimated how pleasurable real-life sex is. If that turns out to be true, then my heart will be truly broken, and I’ll need you to help me put it back together again. Is this selfish? Perhaps. But I think it shows how much I feel for you. Nonetheless, the deep love for you I feel notwithstanding, I need these erotic experiences with others for a while to know for sure the true pleasure limits of sex. So I hope you’ll bear with me through this exploration, and that you’ll be there waiting for me when I finish.
I love you.
January 29th, 2011 at 7:47 am
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