About Linda
Friends,
Most of the night (from 9:15 to 12:15) I spent with [Linda] at this month’s foot party. My impressions follow.
She was still as remarkably beautiful as at the May party, and getting absorded in my foot fetish with someone as sexy as [Linda] was still kind of fun. However, my romantic interest in her was noticeably less this past weekend, especially once we got to talking. [Linda] has a lot of baggage and drama, by her own admission. For one, she’s still married, and her husband doesn’t like her dating other men. I didn’t know this before because she wore no ring, and she said at the last party that she was married for ten years. I assumed thus, that she was no longer married. Bad assumption. In fact, they’re in the midst of an “ugly” divorce as she describes it, and there’s no telling when that’s all going to be over. I don’t know this guy or what he’s capable of, and so wouldn’t want to antagonize him by pursuing [Linda] while his emotions are in a tizzy. He’s angry at her, and she resents him. Plus, with those two having been together for so long, not to mention the three children they have, there are strong emotional ties that will certainly not go away the instant they sign the divorce papers.
She says she wants to continue getting to know me in email, as a pen pal, and I’ll certainly write her if she writes me back. But she’s slow to respond, and while my “way with words” as she calls it, seems to impress her intellectually, it has not moved her toward any sort of emotional connection with me. I did read her the explanation here of how I fell for her so quickly, and she seemed to enjoy and understand it. But her subsequent body language and tone of voice showed that that letter did not make her want me any more. She then expressed concerns about how far apart we live. I assured her, although not too effectively, that if we did connect that I make sure to bridge the distance problem. This didn’t matter though. She was not assured. I don’t think she even wanted to be assured actually.
She smokes and frequents tanning salons. Indeed, she was noticeably darker at this party than at the May bash. I like the fair look myself, and from what I’ve read and observed, smoking and tanning done together can age a lady twenty years in less than five, not to mention increasing her risk of skin and lung cancer, as well as a host of other maladies. So while she’s remarkably stunning right now, I fear that if she continues this life style, she won’t stay beautiful for long, and that I’d therefore once again face a declining sexual desire for her, as has happened in other relationships. Though we didn’t discuss these practices much, she seems either ignorant of or just not concerned about the harm they’re doing to her body. So the value of maintaining the best health may not be one that she and I share. If we ever did date, I’d want her to stop tanning and smoking.
She’s under monumental stress too. She talked of an extremely busy life, and appears not to sleep much. Indeed, she struggled to stay awake on our “date” this time. With her children, her husband, her mother, and a 21 year-old guy she’s dating (although not seriously, she says), there are lots of people higher on her priority list than me. Her virtual silence last month illustrates this well.
I avoid standing in line like this for longer than a short span of weeks, because it’s no fun hoping for moments she might spare, while coping with the lonely hours of longing when she spares none. I’ve done my share of waiting for women to warm up, and these bitter experiences show that one does not get another’s true love by waiting around and hoping for it. In cases like this, patience is more a painful waste of time than a virtue. I promised myself twenty nine years ago when things ended with [First Love], after waiting seven years for her to come around, that I’d never play this sort of fool again; and I won’t, not even for someone as remarkably beautiful as [Linda]. When the waiting starts hurting, then it’s time to stop it.
I could have overlooked all of this if she would have shown some real interest, by offering to get together outside of the party. But she seemed not to want this. In fact, I felt that she was pushing me away rather than inviting me in; not with what she said so much, but more what she did not say. She avoided making concrete plans to talk in email or on the phone, and she deflected my invitation to visit my pavilion; she said nothing, as though she didn’t even hear me. So while she says that she wants to know me better, she apparently lacks the inclination to do her part to make that happen. She has not met me half way.
Anyway, once all this came to light, my romantic feelings disappeared completely, and in our third hour together, I found myself feeling a bit bored even. It was all too clear at this point that [Linda] and I would not be enjoying the sort of association I desire, and so it was time to move on and meet others. The wave was gone. So I proposed ending our evening together early, and she agreed, none too sadly I noted.
So here I am back at square one, with a bit of emotional mopping up to do. I really did fall for her, you know? But since I’ve not known [Linda] for very long or very deeply, getting over her should be a short process, and I’ll be ready to try again with another in a few weeks or less. I am hurt that [Linda] wasn’t more forthcoming about her lack of interest in dating. Ironically at the May party, she assured me that she would go out on a second date. So I feel mislead, because away from the parties she has not acted like she wants a second one. While her lack of desire does not anger me, I am miffed that she didn’t let me know at the last party that she could not return my feelings; something that should have been possible given the the interest I expressed in her. I made my heart clear at that time, as well as in my blog posts during May; many of which she read on May 19th. She knew I wanted her therefore, even throughout May.
Yet the only indication of her disinterest, at least until this past Saturday’s party, was how little she emailed me. This in and of itself, doesn’t show her intentions clearly, because there could be many reasons why she didn’t write more; her being very busy with the kids, several computer problems, too much time preparing for divorce court, Etc. Plus, I dismissed her silence because I wanted to give her “space”. It was too early to already take issue with her quietness. So I stayed quiet in May myself, and kept hoping. But after this last party and the fact that she’s not written for nearly two days since, my hope is all but gone, and I must face the worst case scenario after all, which is that she’s just not interested; plain and simple. Once the sadness of losing the belief that she was interested fades, I’ll be ready to meet a new lady.
It seems that this short-lived romance born from a foot fetish has taken the same path as some others of mine have; they’re real intense at the start but quickly fade into nothingness once the lady’s reality disproves my fantasy. But it’s right nonetheless, to drean and to follow the heart to my dream girl. Though my desires often lead to poor matches, they still form the most likely path to complete fulfillment. True, this was another case where love at first sight (LAFS) lead to someone wrong, though at the beginning, she felt so right. But I’ll still follow the LAFS banner with the faith that one day, I’ll meet someone whose reality strengthens rather than weakens my fantasy of her. I’ll keep looking until I find her, and I’ll either find her or die trying. I must be careful though not to get bogged down, attempting to impress someone who has no interest in me to begin with. If they don’t show a bit of LAFS immediately, I should steer clear; especially if I’m in the weaker position of feeling LAFS for them.
Take care.
