Bitter Sweet Attention

I heard from [Kar] yesterday.  She left me voicemail, curious about how Mom is doing since the heart failure diagnosis last week.  That was sweet of her to remember my family in these trying times.

Now I do not normally let a call go unanswered.  In fact, on the seldom occasions that I do, I agonize over the choice for days or even weeks.  But then very often, I end up calling the person back anyway.

The history that [Kar] and I share is painful; the central theme being her failure to grant me the affection I wanted as often as I wished.  That’s the bitter part of her recent attention. It’s great when I have it but intensely painful when I do not, and with [Kar], I usually do not.

Her concern over Mom is nice; making it so easy to forget all the other times that she was simply not there for me.  But when she does show some regard, it’s tempting to assume that she’s changed for the better and that if I do call her back, she’ll be more reliably affectionate.  But I’ve been down that road before, and things usually do not work out that well.  Actually, [Kar] is typically pleasant long enough to suck me back in.  Then, she withdraws once more; leaving me hurt and disappointed again.

While I do not believe that she intends to slight me like this on purpose, I’ve come to know that her fondness of me is sporadic; whether her fault or not.  On rare occasions, she welcomes physical involvement.  But most of the time she shuns it as she did in May of 2009, when I last visited her in Philadelphia. Sometimes, I grow tired of getting rejected by [Kar] so often, and if not for how much laying with her excites me, I’d have ditched her long ago.

I see disregarding her call as an opportunity to avoid further needless rejections because if she did it before, she’ll likely do it again.  I got rejected by her a lot and have found that clearly, one way to cope with rejection from   [Kar]   and in the love quest as a whole, is to reduce my exposure to pointless refusals as discussed earlier  here.  Plus, knowing [Kar] as well as I do, I sense that she’ll make me wait; hinting all the while that she’d enjoy a foot massage when finally we get together.   But then, when that visit finally occurs, she’ll delay and deny me.

Now I like to assume that she does intentionally play hard to get.  But when she does, it sure feels like she’s playing with me; the way a cat toys with a mouse.  It allows the mouse to think that it’s getting away for a little while before pouncing on it and restraining it once again.  [Kar] does me like this by letting me think that she’ll grant me special favors when I visit; but then changes her mind.

I remember often the good times [Kar] and I have had since meeting in 1998.  Even today, images of us together physically, tantalize yet haunt me as well; though we’ve not been with each other like that since 2002.  She was delicious then, and fantasies of what might be often soften my resolve to avoid her. Indeed, they lower my self-esteem in that her appeal makes me willing to put up with treatment from her that is more often bitter than sweet.

But as alluring as she is (in fact because of that), I must decline further involvements with her, to avoid the love rejection she’ll surely dole out if I grow to depend on her emotionally.  Our history makes it impossible to trust her to care for me, should I allow myself to need her again.  While there’s probably no place I’d choose to be over sharing sweet times with [Kar], there’s also no place that would cause me more subsequent pain once I fall out of favor with her.   She’s flighty (like the Greek goddess Aphrodite),  and so, can be quite cruel when she grows tired of a fellow.  So, no, I’ll avoid returning her calls this time.  God, give me the strength to stay this course, please.  I don’t care to face getting rejected yet again.  Thanks.

Tom Hesley

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