Tom's Love Quest

Though I’m neither Don Juan nor James Bond, I have enjoyed some successful and fulfilling relationships.  In fact, I’ve shared my bed with sixteen intriguing women through the years, and while I acknowledge that far more women have rejected me, I nonetheless seem to know something about picking up women; given the successes I’ve enjoyed. My approach is easy, and I’ll share it now.

Generally speaking, I focus more on being the right way to interest a woman, as opposed to doing the right things to seduce her.  In fact, my most enjoyable love connections required very little effort to be different than I actually was.  I’ve come to understand that pretending to be stronger, wiser, richer, taller, older, younger, or in general, better than I actually am only works in the short term.  Soon, reality surfaces, and as I’ve found, if she doesn’t like the real you, you’ll lose her regardless of how well you deceived her prior.  

I don’t believe in exaggerating our accomplishments or hiding our shortcomings.  My conscience won’t allow it.  In short: Leave that best foot at home, and let people meet the real you, right from the start.  While you may not interest as many women initially, the ones that do come to you will probably stay interested longer, and the connections you form with them will be more rewarding.

This basic philosophy is THE cornerstone of my entire “technique” for impressing ladies.  

Be Assertive But Reserved

One lesson I learned early on how to attract women is: Don’t try too hard.  I’ve found that scheming, gaming, and other covert sorts of persuasion don’t work usually.  There’s only so much you can do, and attempting to do more than that might make you appear pathetic and excessively needy, as illustrated in this story about   trying too much. 

Remember, it’s not about quantity; but quality. Attracting one right woman is worth way more than drawing fifty of the wrong ones. 

Pursuing more than one lady at a time can land you in hot water; particularly if they learn about each other. You may be drawn to one very special lady.  But if she discovers that you’re courting several, she may cut you off, for good.  Then, for the pursuit of quantity, you’ll have missed out on the opportunity for quality. 

However, for those women that you most desire, make sure they know of your interest quickly.  If you’re too slow about letting them know you like them, someone else may come along and sweep them away from you forever. 

Be Kind But Careful

Be kind; but not so kind that you seem too good to be true.  Exaggerated kindness can in fact work against you. 

Indeed, kindness only goes so far to persuade a woman to fall in love with you. While it may convince her that it’s safe to fall and that by all rights she should   fall, the truth is that unless she’s already attracted enough to you    to   fall, all the kindness in the world won’t   make   her fall.  In these cases, the energy you spend on being overly kind will not secure her heart; even after years of pursuing.  This waste of your good energy is often humiliating and frustrating.  Rejection particularly hurts when you’ve spent much of yourself to win her, only to have her tell you in the end that you’ve lost her.  In this way, expending too much effort at kindness without first assuring that it’s going to be well received, is foolhardy.  Make sure that she  can   love you before campaigning too hard to convince her to love you.  

But if you’re too unkind or mean, you’ll put off any self-respecting lady worth loving.

Get control of your anger.  If a lady makes you angry very often, your best bet is to find someone else more compatible with your temperaments. 

Be Honest But Tactful

If you’re dishonest, you’ll mislead her.  You may fool her now but will probably be sorry for it tomorrow. 

Getting a lady’s attention with pretense is risky business.  Not only do you risk her being disappointed with the real you once that comes out, but also, she’ll likely find your deceptions highly offensive.  This can cause irreparable damage to your relationship in that she’ll have problems trusting you going forward.  Indeed, in my opinion, little good ever comes from lying in a relationship.    

More on honesty later.

Be Urgent But Patient

If you’re impatient, you’ll scare her. But if you’re too laid back, she’ll think you’re not interested. 

Be Available But Busy

If you’re unavailable, you’ll risk losing her to someone who is easier for her to access. Dating more than one at a time can make you less available than you need to be to any one of them.  

Hobbies keep you from feeling too lonely when she’s not around.  Plus, they give you things to bring to your relationship and make you a more interesting person.  Now don’t fake a hobby.  If you’re not interested in tuning pianos, then avoid doing that just to win her heart.  The most interesting people are people who do the things most interesting to them. 

Be Slow But Move Things Along

Learn to slow it down.    Asking for too much, too soon can not only make you appear desperate, but can also suggest that you’re too single-minded and that all you want from her is the very thing you’re campaigning for.  The sorts of ladies I’d pursue, would not appreciate premature expressions of sexual interest. 

Be Gentle But Forceful

In these times of heightened violent crimes committed against women by men, ladies are understandably concerned for their safety when they meet any new fellow; no matter how attractive they may find him. 

Be Courteous But Natural

Always respect her.  However this does not mean to forever yield.  in fact, it’s normal to disagree sometimes.  So by all means, disagree, when there’s readon.  But argue respectfully.  Calmly stick to the issue.  Avoid personal attacks on her character, history, family, and so on.  Yet avoid shying away from contention now and then.  This demonstrates that you “have a back bone” and can in fact stand up for yourself when needed.  It also shows her that she cannot push you around.  So, she’ll be less likely to take you for granted.  Gently remind her occasionally that you bring some power to the relationship too. 

Be Confident But Humble

Being confident is not so much about all that you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the money you’ve made, and the people you know.  It is however, about you being comfortable with who you are, no matter what you’ve done or failed to do with your life. 

A degree of confidence comes from realizing that so much of that “chemistry” that most of us seek in our relationships these days, is actually beyond our control. 

If you try to control something that’s not controllable, you’ll fail, and this can undermine your confidence and make you afraid to try it again. 

Be Quiet But Expressive

Keep the details about what you like and dislike in women to yourself.  If a lady gets the idea that you’re too particular, or suspects that she won’t measure up, this can complicate your efforts to take her home.  You’ll heighten her insecurity if you supply a laundry list of your requirements.  Being honest is not the same thing as complete openness. 

If you think about it, there’s really no need to get specific.  As long as you know that she either meets or fails to meet your standards, that’s what’s really important.  She need not know why you like or do not like her. 

Be Yourself — No Buts On This One

Be kind, honest, patient, available, and above all, be yourself. You shouldn’t have to fake these qualities; which show themselves naturally if you allow it.  If they don’t, if you’re ashamed of who you are for some reason, then perhaps you’re not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on yourself before pursuing your own love quest further.  Not only does fully accepting yourself as you are lessen the fear of rejection, but it attracts women as well.  I know of no lady who is turned off by honesty.  True, they may not always like the honest things you tell them about yourself.  But they’ll respect your ability to be honest just the same.  The women I’ve dated cited my honesty as one of my most favorable qualities, and no relationship of mine has ever ended because I was too honest.    

If you’re not yourself, then she will probably sense your deception; though you might not be lying intentionally. Indeed, I’ve found that the seduction of a lady occurs more readily when I keep no secrets and put my dreams and desires out on the table early.  But then, I’ve endeavored to lead an upstanding life and so really, have no skeletons to hide in the first place; no felony convictions, no history of womanizing, no illicit drug use, no concealed diseases, no hidden sweethearts, and so on. 

For better or for worse, I’m pretty clean.  But I offer this not to brag, but to show that for me, being forthright is simple because fortunately, I have little to hide that would incriminate me before women.  Yes, some women may conclude that I’m uninteresting because “I’ve not lived,” and as a result, they think me naïve.  But that’s okay.  While many have rejected me due to this straight-laced image that comes through, many others highly respect me for it.  Indeed, I’m not out to please everyone; only those who would easily be pleased by me, as I am. 

You can never please everyone no matter how you behave.  If you’re a bad boy, people will avoid you out of fear, and if you’re good, they’ll stay clear because you’re square.   You’ll never win with everyone.  So don’t even try; lest you set yourself up for repeated disappointments and painful rejections. 

Instead, you’d best behave in ways that most reflect your true personality and conscience.  This will always put off some, even if you’re absolutely perfect.  Indeed, your perfection itself may drive some away because they’ll resent you for being just so darn good. 

Now I realize that we all have some negative aspects in our histories that at first, might seem be best kept quiet.  Perhaps at one time we did use drugs or were arrested when we were less mature.  Maybe we were ordered by a judge to take anger management classes because we beat someone up. 

But one inescapable hallmark of the human condition is that people make mistakes; particularly when they’re very young.  We’re not perfect.  No one is, even those who would judge us for our imperfections.  The truth is that while not everyone learns from their mistakes, mistakes are nonetheless, perhaps the best guides to a more respectable and respectful life.  Indeed, someone with a history of many mistakes may in fact be a better lover than he who has made none.  Mistakes are how we grow into more advanced beings, and there isn’t a person alive today who has reached an esteemed position without committing some errors that others might deem shameful if they learned of them. 

So while I’m not suggesting that you advertise your mistakes on your chest to every new girl, I am advising you not to be ashamed of them.  It’s often said that a man’s confidence attracts women.  Well then, if that’s true, then in order to have the most confidence possible, then you’ll need to get comfortable with the mistakes you’ve made.  Once you have fully accepted your good as well as bad parts, then one way to demonstrate that comfort is to freely discuss your errors; at an appropriate time of course.  Honesty can demonstrate confidence if well-timed, and women just love it.  With so much lying going on these days, many ladies long for the man who shares his true self.  Honesty shows confidence and confidence attracts women.  So honesty attracts women. 

Once we make a mistake, it becomes an indelible and necessary part of the person we grow into because of it, and if it makes us a better person, then

So I’m not suggesting that you tell all, and admittedly, it’s difficult to know for sure what to speak and what to keep quiet. 

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Advantages Of Sincerity
• Be Yourself
• Combating The Shame Of Rejection
• Lying Makes Gold Digging Bad
• On Trying Too Hard
• Telling Too Much
• When To Say “I Want You”