Tom's Love Quest

My current objections to complete physical and emotional commitment to one person follow. I didn’t always feel this way, and I may not always feel like this. But currently, this is where my head and heart are.

In fact, these points really started resonating when I reached the age of 43. Before then though, I was all about monogamy; convinced that there was but one dream girl who could meet all my physical and emotional needs forever. But alas, I’ve been unable to find such a goddess and after contacting well over 14,000 women as I quested for the perfect lover, I’m convinced that such an all-encompassing person does not exist. So I seek no longer to find Her entirely in one person.

However, She is out there. But She resides in several women; not just one. Some women are great friends. Some are great lovers. Others are good house keepers and cooks, and some I could watch all day as they parade about in frilly bikinis. I’ve found that no one woman has it all; one reason why I’m leery of committing all of my self to a single lady. The heart is quite the empty place that takes more than one person to completely fill up.

Commitment can be a hard and costly arrangement to break if you learn later that you don’t like it. You must jilt your lover to remove yourself, and the pain of jilt is horrible for both the perpetrator and the victim. It weakens and sickens for long periods too. I know, because I’ve been jilted many a time and jilted lovers many times myself. Believe me. Neither scenario is very pleasant. Really, I don’t know which role is less enviable; doing the leaving, or being left.

I’ve never been very good at ending foiled relationships. In fact, several times, I’ve had to seek a therapists’ help to do it. The deeper the commitment, the more painful is the beloved’s rejection, and the more difficult it is to leave if you decide that you must. So these days, I’d just as soon avoid all that and keep things light and free, with no strings beyond the next few dates.

Further, to me variety really is the spice of life, and I love it. Without it, life is bland and lacks excitement and adventure. So I fear limiting my variety by committing to one woman who would meet my every physical as well as emotional need. This scares me because for among other reasons, it would keep me from exploring females of different backgrounds, races, religions, ways of life, temperaments, and values. I savor the novelty of firsts; the first black woman ever dated, the first model, the first doctor, the first ballerina, the first bisexual, the first woman young enough to be my daughter or old enough to be my grandmother, the first cowgirl, the first foot whore, the first stripper, the first lady with 41-inch legs, and so on. You get the idea. It’s nearly impossible for me to ignore a “first lady” even with a girlfriend on my arm that I love. The intrigue overwhelms me, so that I just have to check out the first. If I can’t, then I feel trapped and soon resent my “jailer.”

Yes, firsts are great. But “lasts” usually bore me as in the last black woman I dated, the last stripper, the last model, and so on. When a first becomes a last, as it must once its explored fully, her freshness fades away along with the eroticism that goes with it. When the first is not a first anymore, curiosity has been satisfied. So there’s less intrigue and less sexual interest. To keep my passions alive, I must keep a steady stream of first ladies flowing past me; something I cannot do if I’m committed fully to one woman.

I’ve also observed that pushing for commitment made most of my beloveds bolt; quite the painful situation to be sure. I loved my time with each of them, and so I keenly felt the loss when they left. It hurt intensely, and this emptiness could take many months to get past. Read my stories of [Emeebee] in 1993 through 2001, and you’ll see what I mean.

Needless to say because of all that, I have strong associations between wanting commitment and getting hurt. The two seem to go hand-in-hand because they’re almost always found together. That is: Where there’s a desire for exclusivity, there too is the pain of not getting it. Indeed, I ruined many more relationships than I helped by espousing monogamy. To quote a popular oldie, “You lose your love when you say the word MINE!” That’s certainly, and quite painfully, been true for me.

I know women say they want commitment all the time. But my experience is that the ones I really desired did not want it; at least, not from me. They accused me of assaulting their rights to be independent when I asked them to date only me, and they left my bed when I spoke of marriage, never to return. In my experience, promoting commitment does more harm than good to an otherwise healthy, more casual relationship. Ironically, I’ve learned that I get more when I seek less. So why seek more? Why seek commitment? If it’s good the way it is, then why push for more?

Since I love lustful relationships, and since historically lust doesn’t last beyond the first few months, I avoid long-term physical commitments because when the commitment outlasts the lust as it usually does, I’ll eventually be stuck where I no longer wish to be quite probably forever, and I won’t do that. Unfortunately, commitment guarantees not, a forever supply of fun sex. In fact, it may discourage it. Total commitment to one can be a death kiss in the bedroom. So again, this is another reason why I’m skeptical that commitment is the happiness panacea that its supporters claim it to be.

Finally, life-long commitment today means a lot more than it did say, two-thousand years ago. Back then, couples were lucky if they survived past the age of 30. Now, they live to 80 and beyond. So the length of a life-long promise of fidelity has more than doubled in modern times, and this reason alone gives me pause when considering whether this is something I really want to get into.

Then there’s the idea that the longer a commitment runs, the more likely it is that one of the partners will decide to end it. This can occur not only because there’s more time for unhappiness to grow. But nowadays, people are exposed to many more opportunities to heighten their happiness; opportunities outside monogamous relationships. They’re tempted more because they’re exposed to more people. Obviously, with this comes the risk that they’ll meet someone more intriguing than their current mate. It happens all the time. With people traveling around so much for jobs as well as pleasure, they’re constantly exposed to a steady stream of new and beautiful strangers; any one of which could easily spell the end of their current commitment. Long-term commitments these days are just too risky therefore. They’re not natural and the sense of security they create is just an illusion. So I don’t need it.

People often seek commitment, wrongly believing that the marriage license will guarantee their beloveds loyalty. But it just doesn’t work out that way too often. If a person wants to cheat without being officially committed, then he’ll surely want to do it when he is. Whether or not he promises fidelity with hundreds of witnesses watching, if sleeping around is in his blood, the wedding won’t rid him of that. So it’s irrational to think that repeatedly campaigning for someone to commit will actually make them want to commit. You might get them to agree to it just to shut you up. But would they really want it? These days, I wish not to take the chance that they won’t.

Commitment, even one without a marriage to substantiate it, can put people at great financial risk. I’m sure we’ve all heard the many stories of folks literally losing their shirts to a jilted partner. Commitment might be a good thing for the young, where there are few separate resources to worry about. But us middle-aged folks should be careful, especially if we’ve accumulated any sort of fortune; money or otherwise. We could lose half of it or more if we fully commit ourselves in public to the wrong person.

Besides, commitments very often don’t account for the changeable nature of the participating humans. People change, more so today than ever before because, through computers and the Internet, they have more knowledge at the ready than they did in, say, the tenth century, before the word telecommunication was even invented. With more knowledge comes greater enlightenment, and with greater enlightenment, comes more extensive and rapid change. So presumably, we change more in a given year nowadays than ever before, because we receive more enlightenment, which happens due to our ever-increasing ease of access to pertinent and valuable information.

But the requirements of traditional commitments such as marriage do not change as quickly. Marriage means marriage basically, whether you’re one, five, or fifty years into it. This traditional institution does not bend easily to accommodate open relationships for example, should a couple’s libido go away. Society feels that they should remain monogamous even when neither partner is fulfilled sexually. It encourages couples to take harmful drugs to artificially amplify the sex drive rather than to just find a more desirable partner who could elevate the libido in more healthful ways. This is wrong. We shouldn’t be binding people so with this outdated practice of marriage. Nor should we provide these noxious potions to get people to fit into the marriage framework for which they simply were not designed.

Also consider that the ideal of long-term commitment makes people overly critical and judgmental of each other. This encourages inequality and bitterness in society, and we certainly have enough of those already.

But think about it though. Let’s say that you’re interviewing for two jobs. For the first, you want someone to cut your grass, one time only because you’re going on a business trip, and you won’t be back in time to cut it yourself before it gets too long. For the second, you want to find someone to help you take care of your ailing mother, on an on-going basis. Obviously, you’d use much greater care in choosing for the second position than you would the first. You would ask more questions, check more references, be more sensitive to cleanliness and attention to details, and generally you’d apply a much higher quality standard to the second person than the first. So it would be harder for someone to be hired for the second job.

The process of finding suitable lovers works the same way. We’re way choosier when seeking a life partner than when hunting a one night stand or other casual relationship. This sounds reasonable. But the problem is that with so many believing that marriage is the ideal and that anything less is worth nothing, we tend to be ultra critical of our suitors, perhaps to our own detriment. We rule people out too soon, refusing to have future interactions with them because we deem them ineligible long-term, futuristic mating stock. As a man who’s received over 14,000 rejections throughout his love quest, I can tell you that it doesn’t feel very good when a lady says to me, “Nope. I won’t hold your hand tonight because you’re not someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.” “Well, so what?” I say. “Would you hold my hand if I was someone you’d like to spend just the next few hours with?”

The point is this: Perhaps if we stopped expecting so much of people, we might be less judgmental. If we ceased squeezing suitors into our molds of the distant future (which we can’t really predict anyway), we might be slower to think them beneath us. In fact, we might not even care that they’re beneath us, if all we seek is a few weeks of fun as opposed to a lifetime of commitment. We might find real enjoyment in the moment, delight that is not predicated on our estimation of the future someone could provide us. So we could find true love where we never thought we would.

In my view, religion and other traditional institutions have oversold the virtues of commitment, offering it up as THE way to live. But they’re wrong. When I see all the unhappiness that one person being tied to another causes, especially when the other does not want it, I’m even more convinced that a long-term monogamous commitment is certainly not how I want to spend the remainder of my life.  Now, if I met a right woman?   Who knows?

Tom Hesley
http://tomhesley.com/

Dear [Mentat],

Seeking   pity love   might make me seem like a   desparate   man because it seems to have more downsides than upsides.  Details   here.  But at this point in my love quest, I   am   desperate. My love quest is a war I’m willing to fight for as long as I live if need be, in order to win. I’m tired of not wining, because my dream to partake in true love is powerful and recurrent.  it has survived all this opposition, though evidently, what I’ve done so far hasn’t worked, including what should have worked. Consider that:

• Living in big cities failed.
• Making a good income failed.
• Routine and intense exercise failed.
• Dressing to kill failed.
• Getting educated failed (at least, so far).
• Getting contact lenses failed [three times].
• Controlling my weight failed.
• Hitting on unhappily married women failed.
• Hanging at the bars failed.
• Asking thousands of women for dances in 1999 thru 2001 failed.
• Achieving leadership status at work failed.
• Going to church failed.
• All the   safe   actions failed.

So the time has come to radically change methods. Perhaps now, it’s time to try something “wild;” something that “would surely not work,” and see what happens. Soliciting pity love is the next radical technique to try once I work up the nerve.  Maybe if I could induce a woman to go out with me because she pities me, that would at least get me in the doors of her heart, past the walls of prejudice that many seem to construct toward the handicapped. 

Clearly what I’m proposing violates the whole love-at-first-sight principal described   here. But in doing what seems so wrong, we can sometimes find solutions that turn out to be more right than the orthodox ones tried previously. So, in an effort to “think outside the box,” I must concede that though my understanding of how love works best for me is strongly intuitive and borne out by much anecdotal evidence, my view nonetheless, is likely incomplete, and I may be applying it inappropriately to women in that I too often expect them to respond to me with the same quick passion, that I feel toward them.

Though I know from numerous personal experiences that it’s futile to date people who fail the initial attractiveness test, I accept now that not everyone works the same. Particularly women. My way is a valid way for men to mate-seek. But women are less given to quickly falling head-over-heels for men than men are to fall into love-at-first-sight with women, for good reasons. More details   here.  Indeed, studies suggest that fewer women experience love-at-first-sight than men. Evolutionary psychology (EP) study reveals the numerous logical reasons for this, a couple of which I’ll touch on below.

Tom Hesley

Related Posts

• Compassion Questing
• Cruel Better Judgement
• Seeking Pity, Getting Love
• Seeking Pity to Get Love
• Tom’s Views –> The Pitfalls Of Pity Love
• Tom’s Views –> There Is A Place For Pity Love
• Tom’s Views –> Why Believe In Love At First Sight?
• Tom’a Views –> Why Women Resist Love At First Sight

Dear [Mentat],

The only problem with trying to   take charge   of social evolutionary forces is that we would likely not realize the fruits of our efforts, which might not ripen for generations. Though social or cultural evolution would seem to occur more quickly than biological evolution, it still takes decades to modestly change public attitudes (abortion rights), and centuries to alter them fundamentally (civil rights), though this lag might shorten in the future thanks to mass media and the Internet. In the meantime though, the need for love appears deeply entrenched in our psyches, and I don’t know if you could preserve the positive side of pursuing a need while omitting the negative, especially in level three and lower needs [referring here to Maslow's hierarchy of needs triangle]. If you could, then the need really wouldn’t be a need anymore, since there would be no negative consequences when thwarted. Removing the negative effects of a need would seem tantamount therefore to eliminating the need itself, which, as noted, is quite an undertaking, and perhaps more difficult than biting the bullet and just gratifying it.

At any rate, for us, it seems that whatever path we choose (to seek a happy life either with or without a mate), we’re talking about a grueling journey. It isn’t easy no matter how we go. Which way to actually go boils down to personal preference, for by the time one weighs the known pros and cons of the single and the mated life styles, in the end the decision to the outside observer seems about as arbitrary as tossing a coin. A therapist in Philly used to assuage my anxieties over such choices by pointing this out. She thought that if we understand that much of what moves us to choose as we do is beyond our conscious comprehension, and thus unpredictable, that this would help us blame ourselves less for choices that turn out to be wrong.   [We'd thus] fret less over those future choices that might be wrong.

I don’t know that this worked all that well for me, but I saw where she was coming from and in certain circumstances at work, found that I could make impacting decisions more decisively and quickly, simply by going with my gut and taking a let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may attitude. Indeed, once I moved into higher positions,   any   decision generated opposition. No matter how extensively researched a choice was, when that choice affected others, as high-level decisions invariably do, people fight it. So it doesn’t make sense to agonize over it too much. No matter how good it is, you just won’t please everyone. The important thing is, when possible, to please yourself.

I believe the choice to seek the mate we need, or to seek not to need one, is such a choice. It’s a gamble for sure. But one sure thing about it is that no matter how we choose, there will be pain. And who’s to say that one outcome is reachable with any less hardship than the other? I suppose that it really depends on the   guts   of the individuals choosing – those seemingly irrational forces that sway us one way or another though we can’t express exactly how or why.

Now we’ve turned this choice upside down and inside out over the past few months, and exposed plenty of good reasons and bad for choosing either way. It was a good exercise and certainly not a waste of time. However, I don’t think, given all this, that further justifying my position will do any more good. Quite reasonably, it doesn’t make sense, for all the reasons you’ve cited, to keep trying for something [a life of love with an attractive mate] that probably can never happen. But in spite of all the rationale and empirical data we’ve exchanged that would seem to place us at a severe disadvantage in the mating arena, my heart still longs for my dream girl. Maybe this is a shortcoming on my part. But it’s a part of me that I must cater to since it dominates my life.

I know you understand what I mean, because your choice of careers in college would seem most unlikely for blind men to pick, much less succeed at. Yet you persist and have done so for going on three decades now, to get it right. You know that no matter the odds, you just can’t turn your back on it. I’m the same about my dream girl.   I’ll either make this happen or die trying.   You’ve apparently made progress because your grades are better now than in the 90s, your overall level of depression is lower, and your psychical disposition is healthier than you’ve ever known I suspect. And as I’ve said, I’ve made progress too in that the amount of time I spend with ladies is higher since 2000 than at any time previous. Plus, I enjoy it more because the ladies I’m picking are closer to my ideal. Our respective goals may not be instantly achievable. But we’re both progressing, and that’s the real bottom line.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Mentat],

I agree. If I was one hundred percent convinced that [Lenee] was in truth my dream girl, then no one’s negative opinions of her would have lessened my desire to date her. You’re right. My family’s cool reaction to [her] didn’t create doubts in my mind, but rather, brought those already there to the surface and amplified them. Good thing too, because had my siblings not been so boisterous, I might have gotten more deeply involved with [Lenee], even though it felt so wrong. I was really mixed up then.

Yes, in retrospect, I agreed with my family. In fact now, I think the sisters were too easy on [Lenee].    But with someone like   [First Love], had she wanted me as I did her, my family could not have talked me out of chasing her. Heaven knows, during high school, they tried. Even when it was clear to everyone else that   [First Love]   wished I’d just dry up and go away, I didn’t want to hear it, and kept buying her pop, asking her to dances, holding her hand in class, reading every little kind thing she said to me as conclusive evidence that she loved me even though she didn’t, and so on.

However, those years of then-seemingly-wasted effort with   [First Love]   enabled me to know today, that given the right circumstances, I can indeed love handicapped ladies. [Lenee's] handicap per se was not the reason that passions for her could not be awakened. It may have been a contributing factor. But had [Lenee] been less schizophrenic, taller, less needy, more knowledgeable, and stronger in character, I believe I would have loved her, poor eyesight notwithstanding, just as I loved   [First Love], who was totally blind.

Experience shows that whatever it is that draws us to or repels us from a lady, is typically not a single characteristic, but instead, a multitude of (perhaps thousands of) factors. How they act, look, smell, feel, stand, walk, talk, cry, sneeze, laugh, dance, sing, hum, support, love, eat, drink, clean, swim, shop, spend, earn, think, empathize, believe, disagree, rationalize, … All these qualities, and so many others serve as input to our perceived romantic appeal of the person. All her perceivable traits contribute in varying degrees to her overall desirability, just as every voice in a thousand-voice choir affects its overall sound. Some color it more, some less A lead singer has more impact on the over all sound than say, the third-chair tenor. Also, the choir can sound great, even with some voices off key. A grossly out of tune voice can easily be overlooked if it isn’t too loud in relation to the others. In this scenario, the others, because they’re so on-key and good, tend to balance out the bad voice, at least in so far as how people judge the choir’s performance. When a bad voice is present, you’ll always hear it. But when it is balanced by better-sounding singers, its negative impact lessens. People can overlook a few bad voices so long as the rest of the choir sings well. In fact, the resulting dissonance may actually be pleasing to the ear, making us value the choir’s performance more.

In this way, imperfection can, paradoxically, enhance attractiveness in both the choir and in women. The best sounding choir is almost never the one that sounds perfect.   [First Love's]   handicap is a case in point. This normally unattractive feature actually drew me to her, because it provided opportunities to be helpful, and impress her with kindness and generosity. I love being useful to women I love, for what I hope are obvious reasons. I was never ashamed to seen with her by peers and superiors, and in fact, I thought that public opinion of me would rise when they saw the depth of my love, despite her blindness. To quote a line from American Singles, “All her imperfections were perfect to me.”

On the other hand, as is the usual case, imperfections can sour the ground in which romance might otherwise thrive. Sometimes a single, loud, poorly controlled voice ruins the choir’s entire sound. Likewise, too many off-key voices can lower the perceived skill-level of the choir from concert-quality to weekend-amateur grade, making the group less enjoyable to hear, or not worth hearing at all. Like bad choir singers, some female behaviors can, by themselves, completely destroy her romantic attractiveness. These include lying, frequent displays of hygienic ineptitude, persistent overweight, recreational drug use, and infidelity. For me though, a visual impairment is not a voice that would, in and of itself, drive me out of the concert hall before the show was over. So while it’s not typically the case that any one trait makes or breaks the lady, I suppose that there are some qualities that do. At any rate, [Lenee's] choir was that of a bunch of second-graders, while   [First Love's]   was worthy of performing in the world’s best concert halls.

You and [your late 70s sweetheart] seemed like such a nice couple. I always looked forward to hanging out with you two at Duquesne. I wonder: If you had not been depressed then, do you think that had she stayed around that you would have married her even though you knew that she wasn’t exactly your ideal woman?

More later,
Tom Hesley

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Hi Svetlana.

I like how you appear in the pictures you sent. You have a pretty face, and I especially like your cheeks and eyes. Very nice.

I believe in honesty strongly, so I want a lady who tells the truth, or if she can’t do that, says nothing at all.

I will not relocate to Russia. If you and I would ever be together, you’d need to move to America.

I don’t cheat on women. I avoid this by dating only the people for whom I feel an extremely strong attraction. I too want fidelity from my woman.

I’m romantic too, and enjoy sitting with my sweetie in my pavilion for hours in the summer, drinking cool water, reading books, and listening to music together. Eating out thrills me too, as well as roller skating, bowling, hiking, shopping, planting a garden, and so on. Just about anything I enjoy, if I’m doing it with that special lady – the woman I’ve dreamed of for the past thirty-two years. Could you be she?

Jealous. Me too. I don’t like my lady having male friends, for I want to be all the man she ever needs. And besides, women with lots of male acquaintances are more apt to cheat. Among the strongest statements a lady can make to me about her dedication, is to give up going out alone with her male friends.

I believe in love too, especially   love at first sight,   because I know immediately upon meeting someone whether the relationship has a chance of succeeding or not. I want to be in love and be loved back for the rest of my life. You feel that way?

I want a woman who views it as her primary purpose to take care of her man and family. It’s nice that you feel that way. I feel likewise toward her.

I cook too, although I must admit that I’m a bit out of practice lately. But I’d gladly take turns doing it with my lady.

More later.

Tom Hesley

Hi Svetlana.

I like how you appear in the pictures you sent. You have a pretty face, and I especially like your cheeks and eyes. Very nice.

I believe in honesty strongly, so want a lady who tells the truth, or if she can’t do that, says nothing at all.

I will not relocate to Russia. If you and I would ever be together, you’d need to move to America.

I don’t cheat on women. I avoid this by dating only the people for whom I feel an extremely strong attraction. I too want fidelity from my woman.

I’m romantic too, and enjoy sitting with the sweetie in my pavilion for hours in the summer, drinking cool water, reading books, and listening to music together. Eating out thrills me, as well as roller skating, bowling, hiking, shopping, planting a garden, and so on. Just about anything I enjoy, if I’m doing it with a special lady – the woman I’ve dreamed of for the past thirty-two years. Could you be she?

Jealous. Me too. I don’t like my lady having male friends, for I want to be all the man she ever needs. And besides, women with lots of male acquaintances are more apt to cheat. Among the strongest statements a lady can make to me about her dedication, is to give up going out alone with her male friends.

I believe in love too, especially love-at-first-sight, because I know immediately upon meeting someone whether the relationship has a chance of succeeding or not. I want to be in love and be loved back for the rest of my life. You feel that way?

I want a woman who views it as her primary purpose to take care of her man and family. It’s nice that you feel that way. I feel likewise toward her.

I cook too, although I must admit that I’m a bit out of practice lately. But I’d gladly take turns doing it with my lady.

More later.

Tom Hesley

[This one-in-a-million woman responded positively to my wink. She wants to know me, in spite of the long distance between us. So I responded as follows:]

Hi Mary.

Thanks for writing back !

You don’t mind things being “long distance” in the beginning? I thought we could get acquainted in email for a bit, then on the phone, and all the while exchanging LOTS of pictures. We might even try a video webcam conversation sometime or sending each other audio cassette tapes or CDs. We could watch TV programs together that we both can pick up at the same time, over the phone, like presidential press conferences, network sitcoms, and such. After some months of that, once we both feel comfortable, we could visit each other. I’ve been to Florida twice and loved it both times (Orlando).

Long distance relationships, admittedly, aren’t the ideal way to meet. But they can (and often do) work between people who are fiercely dedicated to moving heaven and earth to be with their soul mates. I am committed to that, and dream of her often. In fact, coming across my dream girl is my top priority in life. More important than anything else, including where I live. If fortune brings her into my midst, I will, if necessary, relocate to live with her as long as certain conditions are met, which I’ll reveal in time.

LDRs can work between people of good conscience and who are truthful with one another from the start. I promise that I’ll never lie about what I have, what I’ve done, or what I plan to do. You’d always know where you stand with me. I’ve never cheated on any woman, and though I’m not Christian, I espouse most of the values described in the Bible – particularly those found in the Book of Proverbs.

Now understand that I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’ve been alone for some time, and it will take me some time to adapt to having a sweetie in my life again. But it’s an adaptation I’d gladly make for the right lady, no matter where she is.

So, if you’d care to talk further, let me know. I’ll enjoy writing to you.

Talk to you soon,
Tom Hesley

[This lady turned me down due to the long distance between us. then she asked me how we would get acquainted since we're way across the country from one another. So I replied as follows:]

Hi.

Thanks for writing back !

Well, we could get acquainted in email for a bit, then on the phone, and all the while exchanging LOTS of pictures. We might even try a video webcam conversation sometime or try sending each other audio cassette tapes or CDs. We could watch TV programs together that we both can pick up at the same time, like presidential press conferences, network sitcoms, and such. After some months of that, once we both feel comfortable, we could visit each other. I’ve been to LA once and loved it.

Long distance relationships, admittedly, aren’t the ideal way to meet. But they can (and often do) work between people who are fiercely dedicated to moving heaven and earth to be with their soul mates. I am committed to that, and dream of her often. In fact, coming across my dream girl is my top priority in life. More important than anything else, including where I live. If fortune brings her into my midst, I will, if necessary, relocate to live with her as long as certain conditions are met, which I’ll reveal in time.

I believe that LDRs (long distance relationships) can work between people of good conscience and who are truthful with one another from the start. I promise that I’ll never lie about what I have, what I’ve done, or what I plan to do. You’d always know where you stand with me. I’ve never cheated on any woman, and though I’m not Christian, I espouse most of the values described in the Bible – particularly the Book of Proverbs.

Now understand that I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’ve been alone for some time, and it will take me some time to adapt to having a sweetie in my life again. But it’s an adaptation I’d gladly make for the right lady, no matter where she is.

So, if you’d care to talk further, let me know. I’ll enjoy writing to you.

Talk to you soon,

Tom Hesley

Hi.

Sorry about your cheating husband. A few girlfriends did that to me, and it was as though they took a garden pick and raked it across my stomach. Not very pleasant.

Best of luck to you too. But you know, we all have issues. I’m no exception. I don’t see well, and that has its own poignant social ramifications, which I will spare you here. My   [first love],  who I would have married in a minute, decided a year after we graduated from high school that she preferred women to men. And she wasn’t kidding. Her and her girlfriend have lived together now for 25 years – they connected right after she and I broke up. The girl I wanted to marry and have a family with all through school, is now growing old with a WOMAN in her bed, not me. But hey. Life’s been hard on us all. You know?

Anyway, hold on to the belief that someone is out there for you. Though I can’t prove this conclusively, it helps to believe that there’s at least one someone for everyone, because life is a pretty lonely place when living it alone. And we’re not supposed to be alone! It just took me 15 years as a workaholic to realize that. Now, my career is, finding Her, and writing about my journey to her. Don’t know if I’ll ever publish, but I have hundreds of pages of hopes and insights along with fears and sorrows, which I hope will help others on this same quest. Perhaps one day, you’ll see one of my books in your local bookshop.

But thanks for looking me over, and I wish you well in your new home. Take care, and I hope you find your guy when it’s right for you.

Perhaps, in the next life, we’ll meet again.

Tom Hesley

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• Combating The Shame Of Rejection

[Yesterday, I received an email from [Donna], where she said she was crazy abou me. But later this night, I heard that she recorded a new profile on LaveLife. My knee-jerk response was as follows:]

Dear [Donna],

Well, so much for your being crazy about me. Empty words I think. Why? Because I just heard what appears to be a newly-recorded profile of yours on LavaLife.

I’m crushed and hurt, that you’ve run away so quickly. I really was starting to care about you and warming up to the idea of having children.

I’m starting to think that it wasn’t me you cared about, so much as the potential I represented, of giving you a child. You’ve accused me of being selfish. Yes, I suppose I am. But you are no less so, as I see it. When you learned that I had some fear issues surrounding children, you ran for the hills, didn’t you.

Further, when I mention the hardships I’ve encountered as a vision-impaired man, you don’t seem to understand. Plus, you wouldn’t send me your picture, even after seeing mine. Not fair.

I had so much wanted to start a new life in New York with a sweet lady such as yourself. We seemed to click in so many of the important ways. But the fact that you’ve put a new profile on LavaLife says that you’ve turned your back on me. That hurts. I’m feeling abandoned and jilted right now.

Ironic, isn’t it, that you wanted to protect yourself so much, that you pushed me right out of your life. Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t say anymore about that.

I’m not ruling out a future with you. But you’d need to apologize and show that you really care by sticking with me without wavering.

Take care, and I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Tom Hesley