Tom's Love Quest

Today I unsubscribed from all foot party email list groups which I’d joined one year ago. 

I’ve attended three of these parties, where I met two lovely women; well, perhaps   not   so lovely after all.  In fact, once I learned that they only befriended me because I paid them, and not because they liked me,  I quickly lost interest in them, and the whole business in general.  I’m not so desperate that I must further humiliate myself like this.  I’m better than that. 

Indeed, I am a worthy person; deserving of anyone I’d care to approach, without charge.  I should not pay high fees for a woman’s interest, which is fake anyhow, because it’s not my money that should entitle me.  It’s just because I am human that demands self respect as well as respect and acceptance from others. When people deny me complimentary acceptance, an acceptance which by the way is the birthright of any human being, then I shall, from now on, avoid them.  Why?  Not only is paying them to act like they like me debasing and painful.  But in so doing, I’m devaluing myself; reducing myself to groveling with my open wallet in hand. The more money I pay, it’s clear, the less I’m valuing myself ironically.

For whatever reason, whether I’m lacking in some way, or they are, if any lady sees my money as my most valuable asset, then I’d rather get away from her, and find people who see more.  Unfortunately, though I thought I had, it turned out that I actually found no one with this better vision at the foot parties.  So after three trips to Philadelphia in May, June, and July of last year, the thought of attending again felt wrong, and all interest in making further visits disappeared.   In fact, I’d be ashamed to go back there now; not because I deem myself unworthy of the models at those parties, but rather because I think I’m worthy of so much more than a couple hours of costly foot worship with people who but for the money I paid them, did not see me.  As I see it, to attend now would contradict my high self opinion, and defy my sense of dignity and decorum.    So I’ll not do it again in the foreseeable future. 

I’m looking for free love, which is the deepest, truest form of love; love from people who enjoy me for me, and not exclusively how much I can pay them.  It hurts too much to obtain love in any compensatory way because it assaults my self esteem to continue begging for affection by flashing my bills.   No matter how attractive the woman, she has no right to diminish men in this way, and I’ll never again permit this of me.  This man at least, believes that he deserves more, and he’ll either  get  more, or simply live without. 

Thus, it’s back to the proverbial drawing board. But I have faith that I’ll get this right someday.  It’s all part of the Love Quest; a search for understanding and sustained affection and satisfaction, that I’ve been engaged in for so long now that I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I gave it up.  So, the quest continues. 

Tom Hesley

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Friends,

Due to hectic schedules, I did not attend the VIP foot party on August 1st. However, I did visit Philadelphia for a private foot session with a very special friend. Thanks very much, [Kara D]. You were great.

I missed going this month and so am eager to attend the next foot party, which as far as I know, is scheduled for September 5th, 2009. [Jack] and I will be there.

For [Jack's] fans and friends, he will attend the mid-month party on August 22nd. I won’t make this one unfortunately due to obligations I have in Pittsburgh. But say hello to [Jack] if you see him. He says he’s looking forward to seeing all our friends there.  [Terra], he’s especially hoping that you’ll be there.

Take care.

Tom

Dear [Luwella],

Well, after two foot parties, we finally got to do sessions at this past one. You’re the 19 year-old foot model who just moved to Harrisburg. We’d heard that you would not be back, but it’s good that you made an exception in July. I had wanted to meet you at the other parties but all the sessions I did with [Linda] then made me rather unavailable. I am sorry you and I didn’t connect sooner. It was so nice to finally spend an hour with you. You made me laugh; especially when I’d look at you for a long time without saying anything. Then you’d say, “What? What?!?” Then you’d smile. You’re funny, and that made me smile too.

I almost didn’t recognize you since you didn’t wear your glasses this time. Glasses often make people appear less attractive. But not in your case. Yours are cute; they make you look like some sophisticated office secretary or business executive.

You said that you probably wouldn’t make it to very many parties in the future due to your work schedule and the distance you must drive now. But I hope you do get back periodically. Good luck with your new modeling jobs.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Terra],

Hey, thanks for speaking to my friends on My Telespace at the VIP foot party the other night. You sounded really cute when I listened to your message later, and they enjoyed hearing you describe our session. Perhaps we can do that again at another party.

Glad you made it in July. Wasn’t sure if you’d return, since you missed the June party. But you came back, and that was nice.

Also, thanks for taking a peak at my blogs. Being an English major, I bet you’d have some thoughtful and thought-provoking comments to make. But if you don’t feel like saying anything profound, just say hi. I’d welcome any comments, no matter how short.

You know, you’re the first lady I did sessions with at my first foot party. You helped get all this started for me. Thanks for showing me how these parties work, and for making sure that [Jack] gets his food and drink. He really appreciates you helping him out. You know?

Do send along some of your “dark fiction” as you describe it. I’d love to read it and give you my amateur comments.

I liked your advice on how to view the foot parties; as recreation and not so much as hunting grounds. Perhaps that will help in the future to slow my falling for those remarkably beautiful women like [Linda]. Still though, love at first sight (LAFS), when it comes, is quite a powerful thing. So I fear, regardless of how I view these parties that should another [Linda] come along, that I’d probably fall just as quickly. We’ll see.

The thing is though: I like falling quickly because the quicker I fall, the longer those love feelings are likely to last. Click here for a discussion on that.  Since I want lasting love, then as I see it, falling quickly is not the problem. In fact, it’s what I most want to do, even though it often results in painful and premature breakups. 

The real problem is finding someone who falls for me just as quickly, and as deeply. It sure would be nice to be in sync with my partners for a change, when it comes to love. But until that happens, I’ll just keep trying.   

I sense that when one searches for love in earnest, that he cannot avoid the hurt of rejection. The more he wants a true love, the more vulnerable to true love he is, and thus, the more pain he’s likely to encounter as the folks he most desires turn him down.  Indeed, the love quest is all about laying your heart on the table and being willing to risk intense pain for the rewards of intense pleasure.  As far as I can tell, people who take too many steps to avoid pain are also reducing the pleasure they might enjoy if they were less guarded and stand-offish. In short: When you avoid the pain, you also avoid the pleasure. 

Pain and pleasure go together, and so it’s hard to have one without the other.  So while our histories of past hurts may compel us to steer away from those for whom we feel the most vulnerable, we should resist this compulsion.  Why?  Because the more jaded we become, the more closed off we are to true love.  Instead, the more vulnerable we feel ironically, the closer we ought to allow ourselves to get.  We should seek out (rather than avoid) those who could hurt us the most, because these people are also the most likely to give us the greatest joy.  The signs of potential pain are also the signs of potential pleasure. 

Now I’m not saying that we should seek out the pain per se.  But I do suggest that we should embrace (rather than avoid) those souls that make us feel the most vulnerable.  True.  They could hurt us.  But they could also make us happier than we’ve ever been before.  So no, this is not masochism.  We’re not seeking out the pain for the pain itself.  Rather, we’re seeking the pleasure while realizing that the pain goes along with it and that we must be most vulnerable to be the most pleased.  So this is just a way of maximizing our potential satisfaction in love. There’s no such thing as a “safe path” in the love quest.  You can’t win this quest while seeking refuge from its pains. So with all that said, I’m not sure how to apply your advice at the parties to greatest advantage.  The fact is: My dearest dream is to find true love, and I can’t turn that off, no matter the venue.  I’m always looking for true love, even when I tell myself that I shouldn’t be.  It’s my nature.  Further thoughts from you on this would be welcome.

Yes. I agree with you.  [Miss Independent]   is very cute. She could be as alluring as [Linda]. But I’m a bit gun shy at this point, and so I’m afraid to acknowledge the extent of my attraction. But you’re right. [Miss Independent]   is quite beautiful and charming. and I do hope to see her again.  I’ve invited her to come here to my blogs and contact me if she desires.  Hopefully, she will.

Anyway, have a great summer. [Jack] and I are planning to attend the September VIP party. So if you’re there, we’ll see you then.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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Dear [Linda],

Nice to see you again at the July foot party. You were as beautiful there as the first time I saw you back in early May.  We didn’t do any sessions this time, though I so wanted to.

I hoped for messages from you all through June that never came, even though you told me last time that you wanted to continue talking through email. No. You don’t care. I must keep telling myself that. You don’t care. You don’t care.   You don’t care.

Now if I didn’t have to worry about hurting my heart, I’d have done a three hour session with you just as we did in June. But I couldn’t do it given how much more attracted to you I am, than you are to me. I’m on the short end of this stick and I don’t like it. I accept that you don’t care, and I expect nothing more from you. But I still don’t like it. Doing sessions with you would make me want you more, and then hurt more as well.  They’d remind me again that you don’t really want me. While I can use my gifts to get you to treat me warmly for the duration of a session, you’ll never love me just for me I’m afraid. Additional sessions would make it easy to forget the cold reality that you just don’t care.

I accept that though; I knew that these were the conditions I had to agree to when attending these parties; that the women generally don’t care. Yet I hoped that you’d be that one-in-a-million lady that would be moved by more about me than just the gifts I bear. But you weren’t. Well now, I’m wiser about keeping my emotions under control when I meet similar beautiful ladies at these parties. I probably won’t fall so quickly the next time the wave comes along and wants to make me high on love, because I’ll doubt that the woman really cares.

I was sorry to learn that you left much earlier than you typically did when we were doing our marathon sessions. I think [Jack] told me that you departed well before midnight this time. For a second, I gloated. You know: That’s what she gets for not wanting me; fewer gifts and shorter party nights. That’s what she gets for not caring. Ha ha. Ha ha. But I quickly caught myself because I do care. I blame you not for what you do not feel, and want you to be happy as well. Then I felt sad that your night didn’t go better.

It’s also incomprehensible that other guys didn’t spend more time with you. Aside from   [Miss Independent], you’re still the prettiest lady there; the prettiest lady there but who just doesn’t care. It’s for that reason that I must avoid you. I could so easily fall again if we spend too many sessions together. There’s just something about your energy and essence that rings throughout my soul and I fully believe that this will never change.  Just as steel will always be drawn to a magnet, so too will I always be drawn to you. Everything is just so right about you, for me,  for falling in love.  But I can’t risk that again. So ironically, because you’re so wonderful, I must steer clear. I must resist the draw. 

Love gets so complicated when one or the other cares not, doesn’t it?  What drew me to you initially now keeps me far away because beauty and indifference are a deadly combination for the guys who desire you.  They make for lonely hearts when a lady is so stunning yet so care free.  So I avoid you now because you’re so beautiful yet do not care.  I’m protecting me.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Vicki],

Nice meeting you at the July 3rd, 2009 VIP foot party. You said you teach physical education and that this was your second party. Welcome aboard!

Thanks for being so friendly and cheerful, and the folks on that chat line I had you speak to over my cell phone appreciated your message. They thought you had a hot voice.

I’m glad you caught up to me for that second session later in the night. I hope to see you at other parties and wish you much success in your new career.

Take care,
Tom Hesley

20:59 on July 3rd, 2009, [Jack] and I arrived at the party location.  We were later than usual this time because we had to ride to North Philly to pick up a lady near 23rd and Dauphin and drive her to tenth and Dauphin.  Up there, the streets are so windy and short that the drive had trouble finding her street on his map.  But no matter.  We still made it in time.

20:55 [Linda] arrived, beautiful as ever.  Seeing her made me question my resolve not to do any sessions with her tonight.  I worried that if we did sessions, that I’d once again want her too much, and fall in love all over again.  Yet forgetting those concerns got easy when she appeared.

21:00 Doors opened.

21:10 Met a new lady, [Vicki]. She’s a physical education instructor, and we did a couple sessions, and even used the same room that [Linda] and I spent nearly three hours in at the last party.  Though [Vicki] was very polite and accommodating, I still missed [Linda].  I would have enjoyed doing three more hours with[Linda].  But over the last month, she wrote me not once, and appears not to have read my letters written in June on this blog.  (She said that she didn’t know that [Jack] and I would be attending this party, though I posted this almost two weeks ago.) Yep, I get it now.  She doesn’t feel for me any of what I feel for her.  So, as long as she appears so beautiful, I’d best avoid her to protect my heart.  I hate lopsided loving (where I love them but they don’t love me back).  I’ve done it too often before and my feelings suffered because of it.  I hate that all-too-familiar pain.  So while there’s still weakness for [Linda], I’d best avoid her beyond the common courtesies like saying hi and goodbye.  Good thing   [Miss Independent]   was there because she and [Linda] are equally attractive.  More on   [Miss Independent]   later.

21:30  [Vicki] and I said goodbye.  I liked her.  She had beautiful legs and an inviting smile, and would probably make a great friend.  But I felt no connection.  Oh well, there are lots of others to meet.  In fact, many of the girls here tonight are brand new; they’ve never worked a foot party before.  Hmm.  There’s [Linda] near the food table.  Should I ask here for a session?  No.  I won’t.

21:40 As I strolled around the main lounge, I noticed   [Miss Independent]  standing near the main entrance, near [Linda].  So I approached her and she greeted me with a smile and a hug.  She remembered me and we went back to the green room, where we spent two hours together.  More on that in an upcoming separete letter.

00:00 Finished up with   [Miss Independent]   and returned to the main lounge.  I scanned the room for [Linda] but she was not there.  Perhaps she was in a session with someone else.  The thought of that stung a little but I didn’t care too much; not after having just been so indulged by  [Miss Independent].  Still though, [Linda] will be tough to forget.  But I am determined.  That should get easier though, now that I’m certain that she doesn’t care.

00:15 Met up with [Jack] in the main lounge.  He said that [Linda] had left a good while earlier.  I don’t imagine that she had as good a night this time, since I didn’t do any long sessions with her. 

00:20 [Terra] joined [Jack] and I, and the three of us enjoyed a little pop, chips, crackers, and conversation.  [Terra] fetched food and drink for [Jack], and then talked with me about this blog.  She has read it, although not since early May.  She says that she’s eager to read the followup posts regarding [Linda].  I hope she stops by again and leaves a few comments. 

00:30 [Terra] and I did a session.  I got her to leave a message out on My Telespace so that people would know out there that the foot parties are for real.  She described to them a bit of what I was doing and giggled a little, and that really authenticated her message I think. 

00:40 Back to the main lounge.  The party was slowing down a bit by this time, as some guys and gals alike started leaving.  But there were still plenty of people around and [Jack] and I talked with several others.

00:45 I noticed [Luwella] lingering by the door.  I’d been trying to get a session with her since the first party in May but had not done so up to this point due to being so busy with [Linda] and   [Miss Independent].  So I approached her. She was warm, smiley, and receptive, and so the two of us went into the red room and wound up spending an hour together.  This girl was but 19 years old, and had just moved to Harrisburg.  So she may not be back for too many more of these parties.  But I’ll talk more about this session in a separate letter to her.

01:45 [Luwella] and I said goodbye and went back to the main lounge.  [Vicki] was there and she asked if I’d do one more session with her before leaving.  I couldn’t say no.  So, we went to one of the less private rooms and I had her leave a message on My Telespace as well, describing the party and what I was doing with her.  Hearing her describe the worshiping was rather erotic. 

01:55 Back to the main lounge.  I strolled around, saying goodbye to the girls I knew, and then found [Jack].

02:00 [Jack] and I headed to the ground floor to meet our ride home.  The moon was shining and a cool breeze was blowing.  Though our ride didn’t come for twenty minutes, we never ran out of things to discuss about this wonderful party.

02:20 Our ride came.  The party evening was over.  Nice.

I again had a great time. Lots of new faces (and feet) at this one.  We won’t be attending the party in August since we’re going to camp later this month and need the funds for that.  But we will attend in September.  Hopefully, this will not conflict with the WPSBC social, which is to be held Saturday, September 12th.  If it does however, then I’ll have to skip the social this year, and attend the party.  You can tell where my priorities are.  Right?  

As I did last month, I’ll post letters to each of the ladies I spent time with this time, to further document my experience.  These will be issued over the next week or two.  So check back often for new installments in the story of my love quest.  The party has inspired me once more.  So I hope the creative dry spell I’ve encountered over the past couple of weeks disappears long enough to get all these letters written.  I feel energized and motivated again, and so am eager to write once more.  Stand by.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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Friends,

I’ve felt no inspiration to write the past few days. The loss of [Emmy] so abruptly, given how long we’ve been together, is bringing me down, and my mourning may be clouding my creative visions.  Plus, I’m in love with no one currently. So the love muse is gone too. Hopefully, I’ll get an inspirational recharge at the next foot party in July.

In the meantime though, I’m journaling, to record and better understand the ebbs and flows of creative writing as they happen in my life. Eventually, these experiences will be documented in my blogs; but not just now.

I’m also reading a biography called:  Francis Bacon: The Temper of a Man   by Catherine Drinker Bowen. I enjoy reading philosophy and hearing about those who write it, because in their life experiences, as told by themselves and others, I believe I can expand my understanding of my own situation, and thus, feel better about it, even though I’m not moved at present to write about it.  I’m confident though that this lacking desire to write will be short-lived, and that I’ll feel impassioned once more to blog, just as I was after meeting [Linda] last May.  All that need be done, is to find someone else to fall in love with, and then, the reams of daily writing will once again flow abundantly.  I am sure of it.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Friends,

[Jack] and I will be attending the next VIP foot party on Friday, July 3rd. Looking forward to it.

Tom Hesley

Friends,

The past two foot parties have me considering doing things that I’d never have done before last May. There are lots of women near where I live that have gorgeous feet. So it would be nice to recruit a few of them to visit me regularly, saving me the monthly trips to the east, not to mention the cover charges to get into the parties there.  But I’ve never asked to give them foot massages here because unlike a big city, anonymity in this small town does not exist.  Everyone knows everyone else, and if one woman was to find my proposition distasteful, she’d likely tell her friends.  Then, they’d tell their friends, and then before too long, the whole town would be talking about “that weirdo, Tom Hesley.” 

I don’t care much about   my   reputation here, since my writing does not target any local audiences.  So I need not please any neighbors in order to do well with the blogs.  In fact, I might be encouraged if people hated me, because the hater audiences can make one rich, like they did Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, and others. 

But I don’t want to distress my family either.  They are much more concerned about their reputations than I am about mine.  Misconceptions and prejudices about foot worship abound, and this I fear, is especially true in rural PA, where I’m located.  My family has generally not supported my attending the foot parties, arguing that what I’m doing could destroy my father’s legacy, and ruin their good names in this tight-knit community as well. They hold jobs in this area. attend church, have children that interact with other families, and so on, and I would on the one hand, want to avoid any behaviors that might subject them to backlash at work or at these other social venues. 

On the other hand, I’m not responsible for keeping Dad’s good legacy alive; only my legacy.  Nor am I accountable for the individual or collective reputations of my family.  As I see it, if their friends disparage them for the things I do, then they need new friends.  Guilt by association is an antiquated and immature way of judging others, that should have been eliminated from our culture after the Salem witch trials. If I’m guilty of anything, that clearly does not mean that the other family members are guilty.  That’s elementary.  People need to learn to see others as individuals in their own rights, and judge them less based on the groups to which they belong; especially if those groups were not chosen by them (like one’s family is not chosen for example). 

Besides, it’s not as though foot worship is illegal; it’s harmless, it’s clean, and it’s real fun.  When I find women who are willing to have it done to them, they invariably enjoy getting it, and I invariably, like giving it. 

How, I asked my mother, would anything ever get into the mainstream if people shy away from expressing it?  One day, I told her, feet might supplant breasts as the sexual objects of choice and fantasy in our culture.  Many folks still hide their preference for feet but it will be great when the day comes that they can be as open about their desires as the man who prefers breasts. 

Finally, I’m not just about foot worship.  I’m also looking for a lasting romantic relationship eventually.  If I like her feet, I’ll probably like her as well.  Pretty feet would certainly bias me in her favor.  So I’m only interested in worshipping women where the sky is the limit if they like me.  They should be available for dating.  In fact, their availability helps make foot worship enjoyable.  If they’re not available, I’ll probably not like their feet.  It’s more than just the feet therefore, that make the feet beautiful.  So I don’t generally do married ladies or others that have strong romantic and emotional ties to other men.

So, with all that said, here is the question: How can I get what I desire without having to move away from this area, and home?  Are there ways to go about it without injuring my family’s reputation?  I welcome your comments.  In short: what would be a most innocuous way to direct more foot traffic through my house?

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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