Tom's Love Quest

From audio journal episode: 2010-01-12-20-05.

Some surprising news arrived today, involving the My Telespace main board, which I participated on extensively over this past summer.  I learned that   [Elsee]  had, as was described to me,  gone crazy  a month or two ago, and posted to the public board, at least one of my private communiqués that I had originally sent to just her, and thus, intended only for her ears to hear.  The public board however, is where any of the 800+ members could listen to it. 

This hurt, shocked, and flattered me a little.  Why?  First, it shocked me because I guess I misread   [Elsee].  I found her so attractive throughout our summer chats, that I formed an unduly positive opinion, which I hoped she’d actually be worthy of.  I wanted to be right about her, and for months, it seemed that I had been.  She played the part very well, of this soft-spoken, highly intelligent, gentle and stable lady, and her voice revved up my heart the very first time it resonated my eardrums.  I would never have thought her to be one who would intentionally betray someone; anyone for that matter.  But eventually, she did, to me, not once, but twice.  She first did it on the public board, near the end of our summer phone talk. Now, according to a dear friend, she’s stabbed my back again, and this comes over two months after I left that board, and stopped talking to her.  This made me perhaps a little less naïve about people these days and what badness they’re capable of when they’re angry. 

Surprising this was, because   [Elsee]   in her tender yet sweetly sophisticated way, seemed incapable of this blatant duplicity. Indeed, I found her strikingly smart and benevolent at first.  So her failure to grasp the simple yet essential ingredient of  reciprocal loyalty  in any friendship befuddled me.  One weekend last August, a few bullish women were bashing, browbeating, and humiliating [Elsee] on the main board.  So I defended her.  Then, the following weekend, that same crowd started in on me; divulging my personal information, and taunting me with things I’d written from this blog.  They read some of my posts on the board, and then made fun of them; their language full of odious jeers and acrimony.  But [Elsee], rather than returning my favor through supporting me, actually joined her recent enemies in a new alliance against me, and bashed me right alongside the others. She called me a misogamist because I dared suggest that women could contribute to solving the problem of rape. 

She took this intellectual discussion very personally and lashed out, attacking my character, accusing me of hating women, and questioning the quality of my upbringing.  She did not stay intellectually focused on the issue itself.

Now, I showed loyalty to her when I stood up to the bullies; in fact, one major reason that they got after me, was my steadfast defense of [Elsee].  But she returned only treachery, arguing that even though one gives reliability, he has no business expecting back the same.  She asserted that though she appreciated my faithfulness the previous weekend, she never asked me to give it, and therefore felt no obligation to return it.  She went as far as to say that she could be anything, to anyone, at any time, for any reason; implying that no one should ever expect constancy from her, no matter how good to her they’d been previously.  Wow. 

At this I began appreciating just how emotionally dangerous this, heretofore, sweet little woman could actually be.  So I pulled away immediately, abandoning all my aspirations of a romantic relationship with her.  I’d opened my heart to a tigress who would sooner or later break it if I didn’t step back. 

She jumped right into bashing me publicly without bothering first to consult me privately to make sure she precisely understood my views.  She grossly assumed that I meant something that I did not, and took her disagreement with me right to the main board.  I guess she thought of me as less of a friend than I considered her.  I’m so glad I learned about her dark side as early on in our association as I did. 

I had sent a message to [Elsee] in the heat of the whole rape discussion, attempting to clarify my position and expressing my upset at her for turning against me so abruptly and without warning as she had.  But she wouldn’t hear it, and remained aligned with the bullies. However, my informant says that three months later, just over one month ago, she posted that same private message to the main board. I wasn’t too upset at learning this because neither in that particular message, nor in any of the hundreds of others that we exchanged privately, did I say anything terribly incriminating.   Still though, her willful misuse of my message irked me.

But I was flattered to learn that she still saves at least some of my messages, even though we’ve not talked for several months.  Indeed, I wish I’d have saved hers.  But when I left My Telespace, I had become quite busy caring for my mother who had just developed a serious diabetic complication, and so had little time to download them before my account there expired.  No, I wouldn’t have used them against her.  I just would like, now and then to listen to her talk the way she did when things were good between us.  Perhaps she cared more for me than she let on when it was hot outside, but apparently not enough to avoid betraying me in the face of a rather straightforward and very small misunderstanding. 

Not that I overestimated how much she cared.  I mean, I realized as the summer wore on that she and I were both tentative with our feelings towards each other.  True.  We talked live for great stretches of time now and then, into the wee hours of the morning; exploring one another and learning and enjoying.  But neither of us wished to jump into anything too hastily.  Nevertheless, I quickly recognized her to be quite attractive, in spite of the fact that even to this day I’ve never seen her picture.  [Mentat] told me once that he too developed feelings for his current girlfriend without ever having met her, though I must admit that I couldn’t fully believe him, until I experienced an  identical phenomenon myself, with  [Elsee].  She possessed a very placid, soft-spoken,  and pleasant voice, that articulated with great skill, numerous deep topics; subjects that she seemed to understand very well.  Thus, I so loved conversing with her, and couldn’t help but develop feelings for her. 

I was in fact, in our third month of communicating, well on my way to falling in love with her, sight unseen. Then, this whole My Telespace debacle occurred; an incident that quickly revealed her to be unworthy of my love, because of how she so unexpectedly jilted me with her apparently care-free infidelity.  And there was no mistake about it either, as she defended her position to me for hours, over weeks.  She offered no apologies through her unswerving righteousness, even after at her request, I had apologized to her for offending her with my views.  So it became painfully clear that her surprise did not occur by accident, but rather due to some of her core values, which I know I’d never be able to reconcile.  Some values and traits I expect to find right away in a new acquaintance, but was disappointed to learn after three months, that she and I did not share some highly important ones.

Vulnerable as I was to her at that point, I recognized that she held me in too low an esteem to trust her with my heart.  She would hurt me for sure if I grew to long for her any more than I was already.  Actually, the statements she made, which I’ve related above, convinced me not to trust her, and to put my guard back up; which had begun to come down in recent weeks.  I’d started to love her, and this intensified the pain of her disloyalty. So to protect myself, I couldn’t risk becoming weaker where she was concerned than I had already, and so I said good-bye in a final, private instant message; a message that would become the last communication I ever sent as a member on My Telespace.

Yet now, she’s playing my messages out on the board.  No matter really though, because I don’t mind the world knowing that I was enamored with her, and still am.  I don’t care if they learn of my pain either or think that I was short-sighted and thus, deserved what I got.  Once I fall for someone, they remain special forever, no matter what they say or do.  I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself find the person disgusting, when in actual fact, I really find them heavenly, even if they’ve truly behaved disgustingly as [Elsee] has.  So, others may deem me silly for my attraction to someone so emotionally reckless with my feelings.  So be it.  One’s behaviors are but a segment of all the things that make women desirable.  Indeed, [Elsee] had everything else going for her, except how she treated me personally.  J

So notwithstanding how mean a lady I’ve previously found attractive is, I’ll still be at least a little vulnerable to her.  But at some point, once the preponderance of a history of malevolent behavior becomes too great, as it had last August with [Elsee], then while I may still be in love, my rational side will step in and steer me away from continued involvement.  It kicked in to protect me, enabling me to bid farewell to [Elsee].  In this case, the fact that I was in love with her made it more imperative that I avoid her.  I do not act on those, perhaps irrational love feelings, when it make no rational sense to do so, and when doing so will result in nothing else but more emotional pain and scarring. 

Now had she turned out to be more caring, and a lot less back-stabbing, we could have had something very special.  You know, I would have flown her here to Altoona to meet me, and I might have even gone to see her out west.  But with all that’s happened, even if she were to call tomorrow, wanting reconciliation, I’d never be able to forget (or forgive) what she did to me on the board, and continues to do in fact.

I suppose that what’s happened here is a prime example of the sorts of disconnects that can happen between people.  In my view, I did my best to be candid and open; the kinds of behaviors that women say they prefer in a guy.  Of course in the wake of his candor, when they discover a view with which they disagree, as [Elsee] did with me, they humiliate you with it.  [Elsee]  used my own words against me, after encouraging me to be open with her. This is a deal breaker, and thus, there is no recovering from what she did.  How, for example, would I ever know, if I did re involve myself with her, that she would never do this again?  In fact, she probably would.  One’s past behavior is the best predictor of one’s future behavior.  I agree with Doc Phil on that one. 

Nope. She’s burned her bridges with me, though I still think she’s beautiful.  Well, she sounds beautiful anyway.   She’s very small and dainty.  However, I’m typically drawn to very tall ladies.  But occasionally, the short, petite ones pull me down as well.  I like some ladies of all types these days.  

So what do I do about [Elsee]?  Well, I’ll do nothing, because it’s already been done.  She and I don’t talk anymore.  So things between us are, as they ultimately should be.  There’s   nothing   between us.  Even if she continues making public more of our voluminous library of private messages, she’ll get no reaction from me. 

In spite of all of this, I’m glad to have known her, and that I risked as I did, to learn her nature.  In fact, I believe that it’s necessary to risk a little, to determine just how trustworthy someone is.  Many more fail this test than pass; unfortunately, [Elsee] failed.  But fortunately, I didn’t tell her anything that really should be kept quiet.  True, I took the risk, and some may think me foolish for taking so much of one.  But I also reasonably managed the risk.  I risked nothing that I could not afford to lose, and I’m a stronger and wiser person because of what I gained from the experience.  Though I ultimately did not get the girl in this case, I’m still glad for what we had; short-lived as it was. 

I felt no anger at today’s news. I think those particular emotions were spent once she and I had that final conversation in instant messages.  I mean, we were firing communications back and forth for a few hours that night.  So I bet that she’s got a veritable treasure trove of my words that she could use against me for years to come without repeating them more than once.  Not that she would gain a whole lot of traction with them, because they were very personal in nature, and obviously intimate and directed at her.  Indeed, any reasonable person hearing her posts would question her character, and wonder about her stability once they learn that she’s posting publicly, with the intent to humiliate me, my very private messages.  Thankfully, I didn’t say much negative about anybody else in those messages. 

It’s nice to know though that [Elsee]  still thinks of me even though it seems to be in an unfavorable way. 

I’m pretty sure nonetheless, that had we connected deeply, [Elsee] and I would have hurt each other, perhaps just like [First Love] and I did so many years ago.  [Elsee] reminded me of [First Love] and maybe that was the secret of her charm.  She spoke so quietly yet most influentially, just like [First Love].  So it’s too bad that things have turned out as they have.  I would have enjoyed meeting her.  But now that she’s proven herself to be a back stabber, as someone who cannot be trusted as a confidante, I’ll never make any special arrangements to be with her.  Though both things are necessary, I think it’s more important to be able to trust a lover than to have a lover who turns me on.  If I had to choose between trust and passionate eroticism, I’d choose trust every time.  I hope to find them both in one person.  But I won’t find that, in [Elsee].  She’s made that clear with her disheartening antics. 

It looks like [Elsee] and [Fall] are peas from the same pod, because [Fall] also revealed information to the board that I’d given to her in confidence.  In fact, [Fall] was one of those bullish women that I took issue with on [Elsee]’s behalf, before [Elsee] ganged up with her against me the following weekend.  So they deserve each other. 

Let them talk all they want, because I’ll not be visiting that board again on the advice of friends and family.  I wasted too much time on that Peyton Place, with all the bashing and other behaviors that were so alien to me in my ways of treating people, that I barely could relate there at all.  In my opinion there was too much hostility, and too many people lying in wait, just watching and hoping to get you on something.  Once a big argument ensued when one lady bashed another for sneezing on the board, of all things. 

Hmmmm.  I thought I might meet some eligible women on My Telespace.  But in the three months that I hunted there, [Elsee] was the most eligible lady I could find; and just look how that turned out. 

Take care.

Tom

From audio journal episode:  2010-01-09-14-11. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking of skipping camp this year.  One big reason is that, though not completely, camp has largely failed me romantically.  When I first attended as an adult back in 1995, I hoped to find continued love and acceptance from attractive women. If you’ve read much of this blog, then you know that this has been the central theme of my entire life as a man, and it’s the one thing that my life has sorely lacked.  Thus, I thirsted for alluring ladies with whom I could enjoy frequent and sustained physical affection. 

I wasn’t necessarily seeking just one lady, although if I found a goddess, I’d have been happy with just her as long as I stayed in love.  But I would have gone for multiple simultaneous dates even, if it meant being consistently gratified romantically and sexually.  Whether it takes one woman or many to accomplish this, I simply don’t care; as long as it gets done somehow.  But while it’s true that at camp, a small handful of satisfying relationships indeed developed, I’ve found no lasting romances there since 2003.  So after this seven-year dry spell, I’m thinking that camp provides an insufficiently target-rich environment in which to pursue my love quest such that I’d have   reasonable   chances of winning.  So it might be time for a change in this new decade.    

Now I wish not to completely dismiss the associations I forged at camp.  Indeed, there have been some interesting ones, as follows:

• There was this very young adult woman in 1995 that I liked, right away, and she didn’t mind holding hands and occasionally kissing.  But she did this with many, and that put me off, just a few days into the session.
• The friendship with   [Alandra]   in 1996 was great at the beginning.  On my end, this romance brimmed with passion.  But that summer love lost interest in me soon after that summer ended. 
• Then, I met   [Judith], a very eligible Czech counselor in 1997.  But once camp was over, again, so too was our romantic relationship, pretty much.  Even while camp was in session, we only managed a few “stolen moments” together, as she had little time each day to spend with me due to her work schedule.  Besides, camp regulations, so it’s been said, forbid counselors from involving themselves romantically with campers, and she wished, understandably, not to break the rules.  So all I could do that summer was long for her from afar.
• I met no one special in 1998.
• Then in 1999, I met camper [JenGee].  But subsequent dating in Philadelphia that fall, revealed an excessively hot-headed, temperamental woman who often used the F word, and who preferred not to keep a clean dwelling.  One day at parlor on Market Street, she ate ice cream from the same dish as her dog, after the brute had taken a few licks.  She was  not  stable. 
• I met [Kathy], also in 1999.  But, engaged already, she seemed unimpressed by me; though she appeared to enjoy me taking lots of pictures of her at the winter retreat. 
• 2001 brought one strikingly beautiful, partially sighted camper to Beacon Lodge.  Though she smoked routinely, most of the other guys were drawn to her too.  Thus, competition was fierce for this one.  Plus, she had a boyfriend at home, and she was very religious besides. So, there would be no sneaking off in the dead of night with this one.  In spite of all that though, I wrote her a few times.  But she either did not respond at all, or what she did communicate was terse, and lacked any passion. 
• Then, there was Lisa Davidson at the winter retreat in 2002.  However, she also had a boyfriend.  So we ended up not really getting together until the spring of 2004.  When we did, I found that she was a smoker as well, and actually rather needy.  She carried much baggage that I was ill-equipped to handle. 
• Next, came counselor [Kandi] in 2003, who rejected me flatly  a couple years later, when I asked to rub her feet, even though she had previously allowed [Jack] to do it.  This crushed my ego, needless to say.
• However, the one very good relationship that camp made possible, was (and still is) that with [Emmy]. I met her in 2003 and we built a friendship that nearly seven years later, has grown into the deepest, most abiding one I’ve ever experienced with either a male or female. Though   [Emmy]   and I are not romantically involved at this point, I suspect that if not for her coming to camp the past seven summers, I’d have stopped going myself much sooner.
• From 2004 through 2007, I met no other intriguing women there.
• In 2008, of all the female campers and counselors, just one 18 year-old,  [Prism], had me fantasizing over stealing away with her up to the a-frames or the Braille trail.  Towering over me at 6′ tall, she piqued my curiosity the very first time I saw her, in spite of her “pleasantly plump” figure.  Now usually, heavier girls do not interest me.  But this one did.  Unfortunately, she was notably aloof and seemed like she really didn’t want to be working there.   She shunned small talk. 
• Surprisingly therefore, in 2009, [Prism] was back, and for the first two thirds of the session, she acted precisely as she had the year before: overly custodial, like she was taking care of unruly pets rather than adult campers.  She scolded a lot as well, in this condescending, belittling tone, like a gruff old teacher.  But she softened over the last several days, toward me at least, presumably because she realized that I was (at least) her intellectual equal.  But she has not written me, though I put my contact info right into her hand as I departed on the last day.  I’ll write more about this encounter later.

Thus, as I hope is obvious, camp accomplished   some   of what I hoped it would. But back in 1995, I guess I desired more.  I would have liked meeting four or five girls like [Emmy] over the fifteen years I’ve been going, instead of just the one.

Perhaps it’s unfair to expect camp to provide endless streams of fresh romances. But I suppose that it’s no less fair than the hunter, hoping that the forests he visits have lots of the sorts of prey that he wishes to bag.  If they don’t, then he does not hunt them.  As the saying goes: If you want to hunt elephants, then you go where the elephants are.  But it appears that camp has become a depleted forest for me, and to continue the metaphor, camp has proven to be one place where the elephants are usually   not.  Indeed, I find way too few potential lovers there, to make going and enduring the tight quarters and inevitable weight gain worthwhile.  So I must find more plentiful hunting grounds, I think.

Unfortunately I don’t stay attracted to most women for long.  Indeed, my greatest thrills of passion generally occur in the first week or two of a new affair.  But most of those in fact, lose that,    the   very first day.  Afterwards, the lady and I either become great   romance-less   friends, as has happened with [Emmy] and I, or we eventually drift apart, quite likely, forever.  However, this would be less of a concern at camp, if more eligible ladies came around. 

Nevertheless, I’m fortunate that [Emmy], loving soul that she is, has chosen to grow our friendship, rather than abandon it. Even though I can offer her no exclusivity these days, over the years she’s made the “desolate” periods at camp much less lonely than had she not been around.  When there are no ladies I desire at camp for romance, at least there’s [Emmy] there, for great friendship. Hanging with her makes those dry spells bearable.  Again, without her to soften the disappointments of finding no eligible women upon my arrival at camp, I’d have stopped attending camp long ago.

At camp for me, with so few interesting ladies attending, it has sometimes occurred that I’d meet someone on the first day (in fact, the only lady at that session that catches my eye at all), only to discover that she’s lost her charm on the second day.  Then, for the rest of the time, I have no one else to check out, to admire from afar, to admire from a little closer, and then finally, to pursue into the woods on some sultry evening, for an hour or two of passionate kissing. Indeed, by the time the woman I desire feels comfortable enough to indulge me, I’ve done lost the passion.  Then, there’s no one else to chase. 

I consider myself lucky though, even when all I find is this    abbreviated attraction, because usually,   no one there   interests me; not even on the first day.  So it’s sadly disappointing on the second day when I think that I’ve found a wonderful sweetie to enjoy for the rest of the session, only to learn that I’ve lost the fire.  Thus, romantically speaking, I’m usually quite bored at camp, from day two on.  But if greater numbers of attractive ladies came, I think I’d have a better chance at making a great love connection, and better enjoying all of the time in the session. Sadly though, these women seem to largely steer clear of camp.

Somehow, I must secure a steady stream of new women, and work that wellspring until I find one in the bunch who captures my heart, in a relatively permanent way.  I do want lasting love, though some might think that all I really wish to do is spread my desire around.  At camp, however, it’s typical that I only see one or two ladies a year that I’d want to approach.  In most sessions, I find none.   Thus, I may need to find richer hunting grounds.

“Rule ‘em in, and rule ‘em out.”  That’s what one therapist in the mid 1990s said when I discussed this with him.  “You rule in the ones you like, you keep them in as long as you like them, and then you rule them out soon after the relating to them stops feeling nice, and right.”  Now I certainly believe that I’m capable of enjoying a romantic relationship, for years at a time.  In fact, ultimately, this is what I desire; a lasting love relationship with one, very special lady.  But I’ve just had a lengthy run of bad luck when it comes to picking the lastingly beautiful women.  I’ve been hard pressed to find ones that like me enough to date me in the first place, and even on the infrequent occasions when some like that do appear, they do not hold   my   interest for more than a few short weeks.  Unfortunately, camp has not supplied   enough   of these longer-running types of romantic encounters and liaisons.  The cold truth is: Very few female campers (with the exception of [Emmy] and one or two others over the years, have been appealing to me.  Outside of people like [Emmy] there’s been no camper for whom I felt any electricity.   I so wish that  [Emmy]  and I could have found ways to keep the romantic fires burning for longer than just the first few months we knew each other.

Yes, it just might be time to try something else, besides camp.  But what?  Stand by.

Related Posts

• Tom’s Diary: Bad Food At Camp
• Tom’s Diary: Camp Fatigue: 2010

Tom Hesley

Dear   [BT],

I dreamt of you this morning; the first time in a while.  Yet over the years, you’ve appeared here and there in my slumber, and left me smiling upon waking every time; for days afterward sometimes.  It’s the same feeling I get when I see you for real, and it’s the same feeling I miss when you’re not where I’d hoped you’d be. 

I dreamt this morning of guiding you to a free seat in the   main dining room,   fetching food for you, and helping you find someone you were looking for after the meal was done.  Seeing you is one reason I so look forward to our alumni activities.  But I’ve missed seeing you at the last two events and was thus disappointed to learn that I would not be able to serve you at them.  I enjoy doing things for you; I always have.  The thrill when I make you laugh, seems almost boundless because when you smile, I melt.

Though I’m sure you know of my special feelings since we first met over thirty-five years ago, until now I never felt confident enough to directly mention, much less discuss them with you.  I never defined them to you, nor have I ever asked you for what I really want.  True, I’ve occasionally beat around the bush; once through an awkward letter, that I, not knowing how to write braille myself, got another person to braille, so you could read it; a letter which, as I recall, you didn’t like; a letter that compelled you to warn me never to use someone else’s hands to address you again; a letter that you said did not persuade you to go out with me.  You didn’t want to rock the cradle, you said.  I was fifteen then.  You were seventeen.  So your heart appeared, for the most part to be hardened toward me.  I, as a squeaky-voiced, obnoxious boy, was too immature for you, and it was perhaps that very immaturity, that kept me from seeing that. 

So, as your high school graduation approached, I kept after you; agitating you on your father’s bus each Friday; I’d tug your long, dark brown hair that was so soft and exquisite.  I’d offend you with corny jokes; jokes whose punchlines made them not worth the time required to listen to.  No wonder you didn’t like them.  I get it today.  I don’t like them either.  But back then, any attention from you, even negative attention, was positive, and I cherrished it.  So I kept the bad jokes coming until the end of my nineth grade year; the year you left the school for the last time as a student.  It may have seemed like I relished getting under your skin.  But not really.  I just wanted you to pay me some mind, and making you mad seemed easier to do than winning your love.  But the truth is,   [BT],   that   I teased you so because I loved you so.

I’d heard once that you went to your after-lunch classes a little early.  So I made it my business to know your schedule, so that I could be there to meet you.  Then we’d have ten minutes or so to talk before fifth period began.  We did talk too, at least twice each week on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Remember?  You in twelfth grade, me three years behind.  You had a health class or some such on the first floor of the instruction building, and I so savored those conversations. Thanks for never shooing me away though on many occasions, your teachers had to ask me to leave.  Though perhaps you found me elementary, I found you utterly enthralling, and treasured all the minutes you spared for me, and I thank you for them.

Maybe my wishful, idealistic, teenage thinking colored my intuition.  But I thought you liked my crush at least a little, even though you permitted nothing more between us than frequent, yet painfully short conversations.  I say that because I asled you for your picture, a week or two before you graduated.  Your response confused me; especially after your comment about rocking the cradle.  For a moment, you appeared surprised, flattered, and humbled that I would want one.  You smiled a little, yet said nothing, turning away as though you’d not heard my request.  But then, a few days later when I saw you waiting for the bus home and came over to greet you, you took a black and white photo from your coat pocket, found my hand with your other hand, turned it palm up, and placed the wallet-sized senior picture you’d brought, over top of my eager fingers.  Again you said nothing before turning away, and it was clear that you wished not to discuss the picture, or anything else with me then.  I didn’t care, for I was overjoyed at your portrait gift.  In fact, I think I still have it in an album someplace.

That experience really jolted me, for in those couple seconds that your hand grasped mine, I felt a resonance, a connection, and a delicious albeit temporary convergence of yours and my destinies.  You seemed to be saying that though in the real world we’d never be together, that you might nonetheless consider a romance with me somewhere else; say, in an ideal world.  So I wonder to this day   [BT],  if underneath all those schoolgirl aspirations to meet a Prince Charming, if you, in some small way found me charming.  Or, did you find me undesirable and so, unworthy of your attention?  If you thought me a pain, were you just being polite during all those pre-class talks?  Or did you actually feel a nice connection too, but had to fight the feeling because I wasn’t the type of fellow that you’d normally date?  I heard you say that guys you’d date had to drive a car and make lots of money.  But these descriptions, neither back then nor today in fact, describe me accurately.  I’m still poor, and I still do not drive, although our three year age difference wouldn’t matter nearly as much today as it did in 1976. 

Yet there still was that private picture moment and a few others like it that made me wonder just what your true feelings were.  It seemed that publicly at least, you treated me no more kindly than any other guy in our school.  But when no one else was around, you said some (perhaps) innocent, yet emotionally provocative and kind things.  Once you commented that you liked how I answered extension 52 just outside your 2nd floor Spanish class in the instruction building.  You made my day with that quip, and you should know that I used to sneak out of my class in the weeks that followed, just to answer that phone, when I thought you’d be nearby to hear. 

Then, you’d get all giggly at my complimenting your dimples and cute pony tail as you served students supper in the   main dining room.  Once, when I teased you and then tried to run away, you got hold of me near the steam table and wrestled me to the floor.  Then you held me down while you laughed, for a longer-than-normal yet way too short a time.  Of course, I did not fight you, and I remember looking up into the floodlights as I lay there on my back with you to my right, both your hands pressing against my chest like you were giving me CPR.  Your straight long hair shown in the light, and it was long enough to reach down to my face and tickle my nose.  As it did, I smelled a delightful combination of your perfume and shampoo.  Your many bracelets jingled as you moved a hand from my chest to my shoulder as you released me.  We both got up then and ended the fun with a quick hug, and feeling you hug me back made my week.  But you know, I’d have layed there all day like that if you would have stayed there too.   

Now   [BT],  I’ve probably read too much into these memories.  But on the off-chance that I haven’t, let me say that you’ve always been a princess; in reality as well as in my dreams.  In fact, when last I saw you at the 2007 alumni social day, you were at 48, as captivating as you were at 17.  Your beauty it would seem then, is timeless, because you haven’t aged a bit in my aging eyes.  You’ve always been, and I suspect will always be, supremely gorgeous, no matter how the coming years ravage either of us. No matter how old we get, you’ll still look seventeen to me, and I’ve got thirty-five years of good feelings to prove it! 

This morning’s dream brought you, our memories, and my feelings front and foremost once more, as dreams like it have done several times since the seventies.  This time though, it inspired me to write.  Why?  I don’t know your current situation or even if you’re in a position to respond; perhaps by now, you’re married again or engaged or something.  So I hope not to intrude.  Indeed, if you’re in a happy relationship, then I so wish you well.  But I’m not getting any younger.  So I didn’t want to let any more time pass without coming clean with you, about the complete extent of my feelings.  Though we’ve only seen each other a handful of times since high school, I’d still love to spend some romantic hours with you, just as I fantasized back then. 

These dreams show that my feelings still run deep for you, and I want you to know that if ever you become available to explore them with me, then by all means tell me.  Then, I’ll make sure that I’m available too, and you and I will do the exploring together.  I don’t care if you get to be 60, 70, or 80 and beyond, because I’ll always be excited to hear from you; even when my own ears begin to fail.  If you reject me now, then at least I’ll have the peace of mind knowing that you did so based on complete information, and not just bits and pieces.  I have, for the first time since knowing you, said it all here, without shyness to muzzle me.  So, if you still say no, then there’s nothing more I can say to change your mind, and thus I’ll not try again.  But should you ever seriously consider coming to me, just keep in mind that as long as I’m single, I’ll always jump at the chance to know your loving side better.  Okay?

Take care, with love.

Tom

Dear [Terra],

Hey, thanks for speaking to my friends on My Telespace at the VIP foot party the other night. You sounded really cute when I listened to your message later, and they enjoyed hearing you describe our session. Perhaps we can do that again at another party.

Glad you made it in July. Wasn’t sure if you’d return, since you missed the June party. But you came back, and that was nice.

Also, thanks for taking a peak at my blogs. Being an English major, I bet you’d have some thoughtful and thought-provoking comments to make. But if you don’t feel like saying anything profound, just say hi. I’d welcome any comments, no matter how short.

You know, you’re the first lady I did sessions with at my first foot party. You helped get all this started for me. Thanks for showing me how these parties work, and for making sure that [Jack] gets his food and drink. He really appreciates you helping him out. You know?

Do send along some of your “dark fiction” as you describe it. I’d love to read it and give you my amateur comments.

I liked your advice on how to view the foot parties; as recreation and not so much as hunting grounds. Perhaps that will help in the future to slow my falling for those remarkably beautiful women like [Linda]. Still though, love at first sight (LAFS), when it comes, is quite a powerful thing. So I fear, regardless of how I view these parties that should another [Linda] come along, that I’d probably fall just as quickly. We’ll see.

The thing is though: I like falling quickly because the quicker I fall, the longer those love feelings are likely to last. Click here for a discussion on that.  Since I want lasting love, then as I see it, falling quickly is not the problem. In fact, it’s what I most want to do, even though it often results in painful and premature breakups. 

The real problem is finding someone who falls for me just as quickly, and as deeply. It sure would be nice to be in sync with my partners for a change, when it comes to love. But until that happens, I’ll just keep trying.   

I sense that when one searches for love in earnest, that he cannot avoid the hurt of rejection. The more he wants a true love, the more vulnerable to true love he is, and thus, the more pain he’s likely to encounter as the folks he most desires turn him down.  Indeed, the love quest is all about laying your heart on the table and being willing to risk intense pain for the rewards of intense pleasure.  As far as I can tell, people who take too many steps to avoid pain are also reducing the pleasure they might enjoy if they were less guarded and stand-offish. In short: When you avoid the pain, you also avoid the pleasure. 

Pain and pleasure go together, and so it’s hard to have one without the other.  So while our histories of past hurts may compel us to steer away from those for whom we feel the most vulnerable, we should resist this compulsion.  Why?  Because the more jaded we become, the more closed off we are to true love.  Instead, the more vulnerable we feel ironically, the closer we ought to allow ourselves to get.  We should seek out (rather than avoid) those who could hurt us the most, because these people are also the most likely to give us the greatest joy.  The signs of potential pain are also the signs of potential pleasure. 

Now I’m not saying that we should seek out the pain per se.  But I do suggest that we should embrace (rather than avoid) those souls that make us feel the most vulnerable.  True.  They could hurt us.  But they could also make us happier than we’ve ever been before.  So no, this is not masochism.  We’re not seeking out the pain for the pain itself.  Rather, we’re seeking the pleasure while realizing that the pain goes along with it and that we must be most vulnerable to be the most pleased.  So this is just a way of maximizing our potential satisfaction in love. There’s no such thing as a “safe path” in the love quest.  You can’t win this quest while seeking refuge from its pains. So with all that said, I’m not sure how to apply your advice at the parties to greatest advantage.  The fact is: My dearest dream is to find true love, and I can’t turn that off, no matter the venue.  I’m always looking for true love, even when I tell myself that I shouldn’t be.  It’s my nature.  Further thoughts from you on this would be welcome.

Yes. I agree with you.  [Miss Independent] is very cute. She could be as alluring as [Linda]. But I’m a bit gun shy at this point, and so I’m afraid to acknowledge the extent of my attraction. But you’re right. [Miss Independent] is quite beautiful and charming. and I do hope to see her again.  I’ve invited her to come here and contact me if she desires.  Hopefully, she will.

Anyway, have a great summer. [Jack] and I are planning to attend the September VIP party. So if you’re there, we’ll see you then.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Friends,

People say that you can’t predict when that in-love feeling will strike. They argue that we shouldn’t be picky about who we date because, as they say, you never know when the love bug will bite. If you judge someone as an unfit lover before getting to know them deeply, then you’ll probably walk right past one who could make you happier than you ever imagined. I got this sort of push back when posting the “formula” for my ideal woman to a couple mail lists a while back. They balked at the notion of “planning” for love, calling it a futile exercise.  As they put it, loves trikes when you least expect it.  So you shouldn’t even try predicting it. How it works they claim, is unknowable and that when it finally comes, it’s a blessing from above. In short, they say that we should not look a gift horse in the mouth and that those who try are wasting their time. God will bring love to our lives in his own time, and we as lowly humans can’t possibly know his schedule.

I agree that the very young and / or inexperienced may be unable to predict accurately who he’ll fall for. But I’ve found that the more I’ve fallen (or not), the more detailed and refined the ideal lady becomes in my mind, and the better I understand her, and the more quickly I recognize her when I see her. True, it’s never 100% accurate. But once you know what to look for, where to look, and what to avoid, it gets easy to target dates that, if they’re reasonably nice and receptive, you’ll fall for almost every time.  Love is highly predictable if you know what you’re doing.

In my case, certain types of people and environments are more likely to promote this falling in love than others. The recent parties I’ve attended exemplify this. I’ve met women in many diverse places, from subways to caves, from airplanes to helicopters. and most recently, at these parties. So far, I’ve attended two of these, and in both cases, found an abundance of women who falling for was simple. The party organizer and I apparently have the same tastes in women because he picks the ones I generally like the best. As I see it, if you’re hunting for elephants, you go where the elephants are. So by choosing your hunting grounds intelligently, you’ll raise your odds of bagging what you want by many fold. By working the right venues, you can better predict the likelihood that you’ll find love.  This is highly predictable.

Also, you can increase this “psychic ability” at predicting good love for you, by looking within yourself. Ask yourself who  really  turns you on. Look in your dreams for this answer, as well as your childhood. Experts suggest that what attracts us to specific sorts of lovers is for the most part, already established long before adulthood; in pre adolescence in fact. People resembling those that you most fantasized about as a kid, are probably the ones you’ll most quickly, most deeply, and most lastingly fall in love with as an adult. Thus, to make lasting love last longer, we need to spend less time trying to change what we like, and more time simply understanding what we like to begin with, and then pursuing those natural desires.  Pursuing genuine desires brings us much closer to fulfilling them.  This is highly predictable as well.

In my view, we should act on our truest desires; not so much those that we run through filters of choice. Often, we rule out someone that we’d otherwise find irresistible, due to academic or intellectual concerns. Maybe she comes from “the wrong side of the tracks” or he doesn’t make as much money as we’d like. In extreme cases, people actually defy their deepest desires in lovers, because they deem such longings irrational or petty. Because they can’t discover rational reasons for the wanting, they set out to ignore it. This is sad, because this way of proceeding promotes inequality, and, it can cause us to pass over someone who would have been a wonderful lover to boot. If one renounces his deepest yearnings, then he’ll have no chance of ever becoming maximally fulfilled in love. Indeed, the best kind of love is not a love that we intellectually decide to have. It’s one that we already desire, and then use our intellect to augment rather than quell. So listen to your heart and follow your dreams, and this will put you in the running for finding that love of your life.  This is highly predictable too.

Some call me a racist, as I generally date only white women. But it’s not that. In my childhood, I knew no black, Indian, Hispanic, Asian, or other ethnicities, as I’m from a small, all-white town in rural PA. There, in the late 60s, the only lover role models to build fantasies around were white women. So in my impressionable years, I based my dream girl ideal on them. They were the ones with whom my childhood eroticism became inextricably associated. In my earliest, most pliable years therefore, I came to know white girls as the ones who could make me feel the most romantically stimulated. Thus, my dream girl is white, and by choosing white dates therefore, I’ve significantly raised my chances of falling in love. Now I do like black women in platonic ways, and indeed have several as close friends. And, in some rare cases, they can excite me romantically for short periods of time. But by in large, it’s the white girls that steal my heart with that automatic and thought-free love lust that they inspire. In short, my advice to you if you’re looking for lasting passion in your relationships. is to find the people you  truly  desire. Then falling for them becomes a virtual certainty. Indeed, it’s highly predictable.

Also, consider that your dreams tell you lots about who you want most as well. If you’re dreaming of them in fond ways, then you’ll probably feel the same when you meet them for real. Your dreams therefore, give you a glimpse of what she’s like before you ever meet her. So, find the women of your dreams, in reality, and you’ll most likely fall in love with her at first sight. Again, this is highly predictable.

People tell me that I’m too picky. I’m puzzled over how they would know this; especially if they don’t know my life and the set of desires I’m working with. They call me shallow too. This I can dismiss though because typically, the people saying this aren’t ones that I’d date anyway. They often denounce my desires, calling them trivial, and claiming that I want things that have nothing to do with the woman’s true essence. You’ll often encounter resistance from people who fall outside your ideal as I have; especially  if you fall within theirs. They’ll resent you for rejecting them because they desire you, and can’t have you. Don’t worry though, and more importantly, don’t listen. They can’t know you better than you know yourself, and so the odds are very good that they have you wrong anyway. Thus, if you let them define who you desire, you’ll probably end up in romance-less, will-based relationships where the best you can do is just go through the motions. Taking too seriously what others think are noble desires for you, will almost surely lead you to feeble eroticism and repeated dead-ends in love. This is highly predictable as well.  So avoid it.

I’ll close for now by saying that if true gratification is really about satisfying your needs and desires, and if you know these very well, then knowing the kinds of dates you’re most likely to love becomes a veritable snap. You’d best listen to your desires if you hope to ever gratify them fully. Those who heed their hearts have the greatest chances of actually getting what they want, and therefore being the most happy.  One last time: This is highly predictable.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Linda],

Regrettable that we were unable to connect romantically. But I do hope that you’ll still be my friend and that you do not feel uncomfortable, should we see each other at the parties. I’m not angry. It just wasn’t there for you.  If I’m not your dream guy, then you can’t possibly be my dream girl.  Sorry if I concluded too quickly that you were.  If you don’t want me, then I’ll shortly, and no longer, want you.  I promise.

One thing you said last weekend that I readily identified with, was that often you develop feelings for lovers quickly. But then you find them fading within weeks. It’s frustrating when love doesn’t last, isn’t it?  As you know, I’ve grappled with this issue, and while I have no complete solutions yet, I have come a long way toward addressing it. So, I invite you to read on here, and check out the rest of this blog, where I discuss this problem at length; particularly in the letters to [Emmy]. I’d also enjoy reading about how you’ve dealt with this yourself, and perhaps others will comment as well. 

I’ve found that some of this rapid loss of the love feelings stems from choosing lovers poorly in the first place.  Knowing one’s needs well, and then refusing to settle for anyone who does not meet them quickly and decisively, will help ensure that lovers you do pick will turn out to be the loves of your life.   Of course, no one can guarantee this, because human behavior in love is largely unpredictable.  No matter how carefully you choose at the start, people can change over time or your desires might change as well.  But you can take steps to make the best selection you can.  You can pick lovers that will work out better over the long haul if you’re careful, than you can if you’re careless.  Being careful at the start really does pay off, throughout the relationship that follows.  Choosing a lover therefore, need not be some hit or miss, enigmatic process.  Doing this knowingly is entirely possible, if you’re in tune with what you really want.  With a little prudence and forethought, you can significantly raise the odds that your next lover will be able to provide you lasting passion.

When selecting the best lovers for example, compromise and compassion are your worst enemies; they’ll only confuse you and make you second-guess your choices.  Though these are noble qualities to exhibit when assisting someone less fortunate, you must not allow them to cloud your judgment when figuring out if a suitor will be a great lover.  Making due and settling, while this might make the lover happy, will only make you sad in the long run.  So avoid it.  Never pick a lover because you feel that you cannot do better; particularly if you   want   to do better.  Also, avoid suitors for whom you feel sorrow or pity.  If they appear to need you too much or too quickly, my experiences suggest that this can completely extinguish romance, within days even.  In order to maximize eroticism in both intensity and duration, you must pick lovers who are in every way that matters, perfect for you.

This is not to say that compromise and compassion have   no place   in the relationship.  They do; especially once the two lovers have fallen and have begun building a life together.  Without compromise and compassion, it’d be virtually impossible to keep up the motivation to stay with someone, through thick and thin, and in sickness as well as in health, as it were.  But at the beginning, before love comes, these traits can mislead us into thinking that someone is ultimately right, when in fact, they’re quite wrong. Concern about their welfare should not enter your mind during the making of this decision.  At this point, it’s all about you.

Contrary to common belief, picking a good lover is among the most selfish of human pursuits, as it should be.  You can’t do it well with altruistic motives.  Your needs must come first.  So this is one of those times when it’s right to be brutally selfish; especially when getting what you most want lays in the balance.  It’s not acceptable to defer or sacrifice what you want, so that another may have their dream come true.  Indeed, the more selfish and insistent you are, the better the lovers you choose will be at making you happy over the long term.  Though this approach may earn you disdain from your friends as well as people who you reject as lovers, it’s still best to stay the course.  Don’t allow them to shame you away from your dreams.  Avoid people who seem to know more about what you want than you.  No one can take care of you better than you, and no one knows more about what’s best for you either.  You are your own best expert.  So listen to yourself.  Follow your heart effectively, and I’m certain that you’ll have much better luck keeping the fires of passion and romance burning brightly, and indefinitely.

So you see why I say that if I’m not your dream guy, then you can’t be my dream girl. One of the qualifications a dream girl must meet is that she thinks of me as a dream guy.  So if I’m not someone you desire at the very base of your soul, then I would not be able to keep you happy for long, no matter what I did.  Sooner or later, and probably sooner, the love feelings would die, and we both want to avoid that.  Right?  My dream girl is happy with me without my having to do a thing outside what I normally do. If I must struggle to impress her, then she’s not it.  If she must compromise her ideals to love me, or if she loves out of pity for me, then again, she’s not it.  I would not ask a lady to love me for either of these reasons, and I don’t mean to suggest that you were ever extra nice to me because of them.  I only bring this up because you noted that you like feeling useful, and some of the dates that you described, sounded a bit needy.  Maybe this was what squelched your feelings for them so quickly?  I don’t know.  I’m just guessing.  But it could be.  I hope you’ll consider it. 

Anyway, I must get going.  I hope your June goes well and perhaps I’ll see you at the next party.

So take care [Linda].

Tom

Hi [Miss Independent].

You were the last one I met at this month’s foot party, between 1:15 and 1:35. Surprisingly, I had to force myself to ask you for a session.  You were the first woman at these parties that I felt scared to approach, even though you saying yes was a virtual certainty. This shyness is one sure way I know that a lady really attracts me. So, you must be quite alluring to produce such timidity at such an accepting atmosphere as the foot party.

I’m sorry there wasn’t more time to get acquainted. But I learned enough to know that I’d enjoy meeting you again at the next party, for a much longer session. You were the 23 year old who said she had 32-inch inseams, and that in grade school, your long legs embarrassed you; but nowadays, you think them sexy. Well, they are certainly that.

I enjoyed making out with your exquisite feet, and loved how you cupped your arches and toes to completely cover my mouth as I lay on the floor on my back, worshiping you. For a moment, I actually preferred kissing your feet to kissing the lips of any woman. No, twenty minutes was not enough. We must do more time. Are you game?

I call you   Miss Independent,   because the first thing you said when I asked about you, was that you were a very independent person. Did you say this to show your pride at having achieved it, or were you warning me to avoid falling in love because romance just isn’t your thing? Well, don’t worry; at least not for now. Twenty minutes was too short a time for me to fall. But if I learn more of the right stuff about you the next time, I could fall. No big deal though. I’m harmless. Ask [Linda].    If you felt differently should this happen, I’d not press you. How far things go would be entirely up to you.  I just love the falling.

The most bizarre part of our session was when [Linda] walked past our suite’s open door. She saw me absorbed in my obsession, kissing your toes and ankles as I lay on my stomach before you.  You sat on the leather couch looking aloof but pleased.  As she beheld the spectacle, she cheerfully said, “Good night, Tom!” as she was leaving. That did feel weird. I think you sensed that too because of the way you chuckled. I found it intensely erotic though, because [Linda] had just rejected me. So it felt remarkably empowering to show her that I could easily move to others, since she wished not to play the love game with me. You made forgetting about her a snap, and I thank you so much for being there at just the right time.  You pulled me out of a love I wished no longer to be in.  Again, thanks so much. 

I’m once again back on neutral ground; not in love with anyone.  So I hope we meet again. [Jack] and I are working and saving for the next VIP party in July. We’re not certain if we’ll get there yet, but I’ll let you know in a later post, when we know either way. Keep your eyes on this blog for updates.  Again, nice meeting you, and the next time I see you, I’d be up for at least an hour session; perhaps more if it goes well. So write if you like. It’d be cool to read your comments here. 

Enjoy the rest of your June.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Jack],

Hi there. How are you?

Just wanted to touch base and give you an update on [Linda].

I’ve thought of late, of my time in Philadelphia between 1997 and 2001. All those Sundays seeing you and your partners singing on South Street, I still enjoy reminiscing about. Then, there was the skating at The Palace and The Wow Family Fun Center on the boulevard. Of course, we can’t forget those hundreds of dinners at Tiffany’s, the Broadway, and the Ritz. What fun it was to visit Franklin Mills, Neshaminy, and Oxford Valley malls and peruse the book shops. To learn the buses, one exercise I did was to visit every Acme grocery store in Philly. [Kar] and I used to visit Michael’s Café each week for dancing, and the best steamed clams around. There was the bowling at Upper Darby, at Rahn and the boulevard in the northeast, and on Erie avenue. How about those hikes you and I used to take from your place up to the Broadway. My feet still hurt when I remember that five hour and forty five minute walk we did. Yikes! Then there were the super bowl parties, the choir performances, and the Overbrook alumni weekends. I spent many an hour walking up and down Cottman Avenue, shopping at Harry’s Natural Foods near Castor and Cottman. There was always something new to explore down there, and I do miss the Philly life. I think as fondly of the Philly years, as I do my high school years.

But [Jack], the Philly years were also empty years. As you know, my main reason for coming was to find a sweetie, which never happened. Then, after the mugging, I had to leave Philly, and heal. But after ten months, I returned to give it one more try in 2001. That’s the year I lived on Red Lion road. But as you’ll remember, that apartment was noisy, and I had begun thinking about getting away from software engineering, and pursuing a writing career. So, I couldn’t spare the dollars to purchase a quiet home in Jenkintown, Ardmore, or any of the other, very nice communities along the regional rail lines. Circumstances forced me to leave again in December of 2001, and I’ve been here in Altoona ever since.

Since meeting [Linda], I’ve pondered what the Philly years might have been like, had I known her then. She could have been the missing piece, you know? It would have been cool to accompany her to South Street, and to clap hands together as you finished singing each song, and then as we used to do, we could have all gotten a snack at the Dairy Queen near sixth and South afterwards. I wonder if she likes roller skating? We might have dined with you folks at Tiffany’s, then gone to the Palace for a late Saturday night skate. You remember that sometimes, I used to go to these by myself and not get home until well past three AM. While this was fun, it would have been so much better with a lady like [Linda] skating beside me, and looking forward to what we’d be doing once we got home. I bet she likes malls. Most women I know do. We might have walked every square foot of Franklin Mills mall, and seen all sorts of movies at Neshaminy, and spent hundreds of dollars every weekend at Oxford Valley. Software engineering treated me well then. So I had money to spend, and I would have spent it too; gladly. You think that she’d enjoy riding the buses to each and every Acme grocery store?  Perhaps not. But we would have had some deep conversations along the way to be sure, and she has said that she likes those. Which of my three apartments would she have liked best; the one near 22nd and Ben Franklin Parkway, the one just off of Oxford Circle near Frankford, or the last one I had on Red Lion Road in the Bustleton section of the city?  Of course, I probably wouldn’t have lived in Frankford if I’d known her in 1998; I’d fear for her safety if I had. You think she’s ever been to Michael’s Cafe’? I bet she’d really enjoy the steamed clams. How about bowling and hiking? I’d worry though about her feet if she walked with us too far. But then, she’s so light that perhaps she could walk twenty miles without problems. Could you imagine how much funnier those parties would have been, with her spunk and spirit added in? Hmmm. Has she ever visited Cottman Avenue? I’d have loved to make her a mango shake, and to do all this and more with [Linda], if only I’d known her. Is she as much the explorer as I am? Well, that wouldn’t have mattered though, because even if she just likes staying at home, I do a pretty good homebody too.

Unfortunately [Jack], [Linda] probably wouldn’t have welcomed such romantic dates in those days, for she seems uninterested in them today; at least with me. She appears way less crazy about me than I am about her. She’s more sane than I.  Why? One day out of the past twenty eight, she’s written, and that was ten days ago. Before that, she was silent for two weeks. I’ve supplied my phone number. Yet she has not called. So while I believe her when she says that she’s busy raising her kids, and I agree that her children should indeed be top priority, it’s also true that where there’s a strong desire to get something done, people manage invariably, to do it, no matter what else they have going on. So if she really wanted to get to know me, she would have called and written more. It would have been nice to hear from her a few times a week and to share stories of our respective worlds. It’d be great to have her visit the pavilion and swing with me, or to take a long walk at the cemetery. She’d really love the views of the mountains, while standing at the top of Chocolate Knob hill too, where kids go sledding in winter, and farmers grow hay in summer.

I thought she and I made an explosive romantic connection at the last party. But I concede now that I was probably mistaken. I read too much into her affection, as I went there with my naivety on my sleeve. I never played the foot party game before. So I was sure to misread someone. I’d never been to a place where so many women paid me so much attention. So taking their interest personally, as an indication that they liked me specifically, was bound to happen. Indeed, I mistook [Linda's] “common courtesy” for a special interest, which after nearly a month, appears not to have existed. But do I regret that? No. Not at all.

She seemed to like me a lot at our first meeting. So I’ve been walking around here throughout May, on an indescribable love high. This high inspired me. She’s inspired me to think of the love quest positively for a change. I’m certain that the quest can be won now, because gone are the worries that the prize does not exist. The prize is definitely out there though; [Linda] exemplifies it. She showed that there are women, in the flesh, who match my dream girl in every significant detail. Heretofore, I doubted that. But no longer. [Linda] is proof that dream girls do exist. They do exist. They do exist!   THEY DO EXIST!!!  Oh, that’s so liberating to know.  And now, I know more about what to look for to find them. Even though she and I will probably never be “an item,” our one date has strengthened my resolve to keep pressing on in the quest.  It has clarified and  straightened out my priorities for me.  So dream girls? Look out because here I come!

I don’t blame [Linda] for not feeling. After all,   we don’t control who turns us on   (or who does not). It seems that I do not turn her on, given how little she’s communicated since we met four weeks ago. If I’m wrong, I hope she lets me know, and soon.  But if I’m right, then that’s not her fault, and it’s not mine either.  My caring more for her than she apparently does for me, is just an unfortunate reality. So I don’t take it personally. At least, I try not to anyway. I feel rejected though, and that smarts a little. Of course if she feels nothing however, then she did the right thing by leaving most of my posts and emails unanswered; she rejected me as she should have.  While I’ve not ruled her out as the love of my life, she’ll have to meet me half way in order to claim that spot in my heart.  I’m hers if she wants me.  She’ll just need to say it, and show it a little more if it’s true.

She did not ask for my follow-up commentaries. So I should not feel slighted that she answered only a few. Sure, it hurts that she has virtually ignored me. But I took the risk, and so the pain is my responsibility. I had to risk it though, in order to learn her heart, and she was well worth the effort.  I’m none the worse for the wear. In fact, I’m smarter for it. The wisdom was worth the pain. But again, it is my pain, and mine alone. She didn’t want to ride the wave with me it seems, and   it’s meaningless to argue with someone’s desires. So I bear her no ill-will. I’m just happy that she stopped by for a while, and hopefully, I’ve made a new friend in the deal.

But you know [Jack], I’m ready for the next party in eight days, along with more Lucky Charms, and perhaps some Allegro’s pizza too. My sky is twilight now, and fading to black once more, with the setting of [Linda’s] sun. She could make it rise again if it’s in her heart to do so.  But if it’s not, the other stars have returned. So perhaps at the June party, one of those other suns will rise like [Linda's] did, and a new wave will again lift me into those wonderfully blissful love highs, that I so relished over the past month. I can’t wait to see what happens, and to enjoy another new day of promise and intrigue.  Perhaps I’ll again get lucky, and spend the evening most joyously, at the feet of, if not [Linda], then some other   remarkably beautiful woman.  We’ll see. Talk to you then Bud.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Ron],

How are you? Are you ready for camp? I sure am ready for the vacation.

At any rate, just a quick note that this month, I discovered that it is indeed a fear of rejection that keeps me from approaching most women. As you know, I went to a really cool party at the beginning of this month. The ladies there were always receptive, talkative, pleasant, and polite; no chance of being rejected. Commensurately, any fears I might have had to talk to them, were nowhere to be found. So when there’s no threat of rejection, there is no fear.

As you know, this fear and I are old companions. I’ve battled it, considered it a wise guardian, envisioned it as a great wall with windows through which I could look at women on the other side yet could not pass, and it has appeared as a raging tiger, growling and blocking the path of my love quest. This fear is, I fear, by far the most crippling force that opposes me in my quest.

But with time marching on and me well into middle age, I wonder if, the fear of dying unfulfilled, will eventually trump this fear of rejection, and enable me to consistently approach beautiful strangers at will? These two fears constantly wage war in my soul and I’m weary of their fighting. I need some insight; reinforcements if you will. Will I always be so concerned about offending women that I’ll never be able to tell them my heart?

Every several years, I like to reexamine my thoughts about this fear of rejection. So, if the muses are with me, I’ll be writing letters to you and [Mentat] over the next few months, telling you what I know about this fear so far as well as what I suspect. Any feedback or insights you or anyone else has on this topic would be welcome.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Mentat],

I’ve wanted to write you for weeks now, about a new lady in my heart. I don’t know her well yet. But for me, it was   love at first sight   (LAFS). Well, maybe not precisely   first   sight, but within a couple hours of it anyhow. Since meeting her, the flowers out back look  prettier. The food on this diet tastes better. Heck, even the stench of the cat’s litter box is easier to ignore during cleaning. Plus, [Linda] has inspired me to write voluminously; she’s given me the voice I’ve sought. So many things make sense now that didn’t, prior to May 2nd, the day we met. and my energy level at the keyboard has exploded since, as a result. Being in love makes great things happen.  Sometimes, I have to force myself to leave the computer, whereas before, I had to force myself to stay. Like you do when you’re in love, I count the hours since I last held her hand (which, by the way, is around 528), and I count down the hours until I’ll see her again (which is 308). I haven’t done that since the days with   [First Love]. In so many ways, this wave of passoin feels just like the one I rode with   [First Love] throughout the 70s and into the 80s. It’s blissful!

We’ve talked about LAFS before, you and I, and we’ve argued its pros and cons. Yet I still wonder why people so readily dismiss LAFS as meaningless infatuation. When I examine my past relationships, it appears that LAFS is the best indicator that the feelings of love will last a long time if not forever; which is contrary to popular belief, I know. Yet, that’s my experience. Indeed, the ladies I struggled most to forget after we broke up, were the ones that I fell in love with the most quickly. Indeed, the quicker I fell, the deeper I fell, and the more enjoyable the romance was. Of course, the loving hurt more as well, during those times of uncertainty that occur in any romance. With the highest of highs also comes the lowest of lows.  So I suppose that where there’s great opportunity for pleasure, there’s also a great chance for pain. But I don’t mind that, because the good parts make whatever suffering that ensues, worth enduring.

People though, protect themselves from this pain by strengthening their emotional defenses against LAFS.  LAFS is also   vulnerability   at first sight because it makes us weak to another; another whose intensions we know not.  We become sensitive to the needs and opinions of someone we fancy immediately; feeling intense joy when they like us, and great sadness when they reject us. Since people fear being vulnerable to a stranger, and since LAFS greatly increases this vulnerability early in the mating dance, they dismiss LAFS as reckless, shallow, and impulsive abandon. To them, love that takes a long time to grow is a much safer love, even though it’s a less pleasurable love.  They apply an easy-come-easy-go philosophy, suggesting that the longer that love takes to grow, the longer lasting it will be. They say that if love comes quickly, that it will go quickly as well.  So they seek people who do not inspire LAFS, as a way of keeping control over the situation and thus, reducing the disappointment, should their “beloved” turn them away. This makes it easier to keep their guard up until they themselves decide that to lower it. But this is just so wrong.  By protecting themselves from the pain, they’re also fending off the potential pleasures as well.

I dated many for whom there was no LAFS, and they were the easiest to get over as well. Just because we take lots of time to get to know someone before admitting to loving them, does not guarantee a deeper, more abiding love. In fact, I’ve seen the opposite. While the resulting friendships were nice, without LAFS, that’s really all they ever came to be; friendships. There was no spark, no electricity, no insatiable desire, no drive to write reams of love letters, no prettier looking flowers out back, no better tasting food, and the cat’s box remained impossible to clean without gagging. Without LAFS, there was no positive bias on life, no perpetual lift in the shoe, no rising sun above a bleak and lonely physical and emotional landscape, and no truly deep concern about making her day a little better. It seems then that when I love quick, I also love deep, and I love long as well. But when I love slow, I never come to love at all.

Yet women see it differently. They see a guy who wants them right away as just being about sex, or as having some hidden agenda. Or, the more benevolent ones simply doubt the fellow’s candor, believing that it’s highly unlikely that he could know so quickly that he wants them. Indeed, [Linda] was shocked to learn that I’m already smitten with her, after but one date. But it happens. It has happened, and to me, LAFS is as real as romantic love ever gets. So how do I convince her that it’s real?  How do I show her that the realest love is in fact, the fastest love?

There’s a great book on this topic:   Love at First Sight,   by Earl Naumann Ph. D., that describes studies that validate LAFS. The 1500 people he studied who experienced LAFS, generally had longer-lasting, happier relationships, than those who took the lets-just-be-friends-first approach to dating.

I suppose that every man is different. But for me, women should know that if I’m crazy about them on the first date, that I’ll probably stay that way indefinitely. It’s in my history.  A quick fall is a deep fall for me, and the longer I’ll stay in love as well. So LAFS can be just as meaningful and enduring as the more slowly evolving friendship-derived love that so many these days idolize. LAFS makes it easier to tolerate the beloved’s “imperfections” and idiosyncrasies, and it makes the couple way less likely to fight or grow bored with each other. No, I’d rather have a true love that I quickly fell for, than a friend that I decided to love after months of consideration. True love is better and   the truest love of all, happens the most quickly.  That’s in my humble opinion, sir.

More later.

Tom Hesley