Tom's Love Quest

From audio journal episode:  AJE-2010-01-09-14-11. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking of skipping camp this year.  One big reason is that, though not completely, camp has largely failed me romantically.  When I first attended as an adult back in 1995, I hoped to find continued love and acceptance from attractive women. If you’ve read much of this blog, then you know that this has been the central theme of my entire life as a man, and it’s the one thing that my life has sorely lacked.  Thus, I thirsted for alluring ladies with whom I could enjoy frequent and sustained physical affection. 

I wasn’t necessarily seeking just one lady, although if I found a goddess, I’d have been happy with just her as long as I stayed in love.  But I would have gone for multiple simultaneous dates even, if it meant being consistently gratified romantically and sexually.  Whether it takes one woman or many to accomplish this, I simply don’t care; as long as it gets done somehow.  But while it’s true that at camp, a small handful of satisfying relationships indeed developed, I’ve found no lasting romances there since 2003.  So after this seven-year dry spell, I’m thinking that camp provides an insufficiently target-rich environment in which to pursue my love quest such that I’d have   reasonable   chances of winning.  So it might be time for a change in this new decade.    

Now I wish not to completely dismiss the associations I forged at camp.  Indeed, there have been some interesting ones, as follows:

• There was this very young adult woman in 1995 that I liked, right away, and she didn’t mind holding hands and occasionally kissing.  But she did this with many, and that put me off, just a few days into the session.
• The friendship with   [Alandra]   in 1996 was great at the beginning.  On my end, this romance brimmed with passion.  But that summer love lost interest in me soon after that summer ended. 
• Then, I met   [Judith], a very eligible Czech counselor in 1997.  But once camp was over, again, so too was our romantic relationship, pretty much.  Even while camp was in session, we only managed a few “stolen moments” together, as she had little time each day to spend with me due to her work schedule.  Besides, camp regulations, so it’s been said, forbid counselors from involving themselves romantically with campers, and she wished, understandably, not to break the rules.  So all I could do that summer was long for her from afar.
• I met no one special in 1998.
• Then in 1999, I met camper [JenGee].  But subsequent dating in Philadelphia that fall, revealed an excessively hot-headed, temperamental woman who often used the F word, and who preferred not to keep a clean dwelling.  One day at parlor on Market Street, she ate ice cream from the same dish as her dog, after the brute had taken a few licks.  She was  not  stable. 
• I met [Kathy], also in 1999.  But, engaged already, she seemed unimpressed by me; though she appeared to enjoy me taking lots of pictures of her at the winter retreat. 
• 2001 brought one strikingly beautiful, partially sighted camper to Beacon Lodge.  Though she smoked routinely, most of the other guys were drawn to her too.  Thus, competition was fierce for this one.  Plus, she had a boyfriend at home, and she was very religious besides. So, there would be no sneaking off in the dead of night with this one.  In spite of all that though, I wrote her a few times.  But she either did not respond at all, or what she did communicate was terse, and lacked any passion. 
• Then, there was Lisa Davidson at the winter retreat in 2002.  However, she also had a boyfriend.  So we ended up not really getting together until the spring of 2004.  When we did, I found that she was a smoker as well, and actually rather needy.  She carried much baggage that I was ill-equipped to handle. 
• Next, came counselor [Kandi] in 2003, who rejected me flatly  a couple years later, when I asked to rub her feet, even though she had previously allowed [Jack] to do it.  This crushed my ego, needless to say.
• However, the one very good relationship that camp made possible, was (and still is) that with [Emmy]. I met her in 2003 and we built a friendship that nearly seven years later, has grown into the deepest, most abiding one I’ve ever experienced with either a male or female. Though   [Emmy]   and I are not romantically involved at this point, I suspect that if not for her coming to camp the past seven summers, I’d have stopped going myself much sooner.
• From 2004 through 2007, I met no other intriguing women there.
• In 2008, of all the female campers and counselors, just one 18 year-old,  [Prism], had me fantasizing over stealing away with her up to the a-frames or the Braille trail.  Towering over me at 6′ tall, she piqued my curiosity the very first time I saw her, in spite of her “pleasantly plump” figure.  Now usually, heavier girls do not interest me.  But this one did.  Unfortunately, she was notably aloof and seemed like she really didn’t want to be working there.   She shunned small talk.  More about her   here.
• Surprisingly therefore, in 2009, [Prism] was back, and for the first two thirds of the session, acted precisely as cold as she had the year before: overly custodial, like she was taking care of unruly pets rather than adult campers.  She scolded as well, in this condescending, belittling tone, like a gruff old teacher.  But she softened over the last several days, toward me at least, presumably because she realized that I was (at least) her intellectual equal.  However, she has not written me, though I put my contact info right into her hand as I departed on the last day.  I’ll write more about this encounter later.

Thus, as I hope is obvious, camp accomplished   some   of what I hoped it would. But back in 1995, I guess I desired more.  I would have liked meeting four or five girls like [Emmy] over the fifteen years I’ve been going, instead of just the one.

Perhaps it’s unfair to expect camp to provide endless streams of fresh romances. But I suppose that it’s no less fair than the hunter, hoping that the forests he visits have lots of the sorts of prey that he wishes to bag.  If they don’t, then he does not hunt them.  As the saying goes: If you want to hunt elephants, then you go where the elephants are.  But it appears that camp has become a depleted forest for me, and to continue the metaphor, camp has proven to be one place where the elephants are usually   not.  Indeed, I find way too few potential lovers there, to make going and enduring the tight quarters and inevitable weight gain worthwhile.  So I must find more plentiful hunting grounds, I think.

Unfortunately I don’t stay attracted to most women for long.  Indeed, my greatest thrills of passion generally occur in the first week or two of a new affair.  But most of those in fact, lose that,    the   very first day.  Afterwards, the lady and I either become great   romance-less   friends, as has happened with [Emmy] and I, or we eventually drift apart, quite likely, forever.  However, this would be less of a concern at camp, if more eligible ladies came around. 

Nevertheless, I’m fortunate that [Emmy], loving soul that she is, has chosen to grow our friendship, rather than abandon it. Even though I can offer her no exclusivity these days, over the years she’s made the “desolate” periods at camp much less lonely than had she not been around.  When there are no ladies I desire at camp for romance, at least there’s [Emmy] there, for great friendship. Hanging with her makes those dry spells bearable.  Again, without her to soften the disappointments of finding no eligible women upon my arrival at camp, I’d have stopped attending camp long ago.

At camp for me, with so few interesting ladies attending, it has sometimes occurred that I’d meet someone on the first day (in fact, the only lady at that session that catches my eye at all), only to discover that she’s lost her charm on the second day.  Then, for the rest of the time, I have no one else to check out, to admire from afar, to admire from a little closer, and then finally, to pursue into the woods on some sultry evening, for an hour or two of passionate kissing. Indeed, by the time the woman I desire feels comfortable enough to indulge me, I’ve done lost the passion.  Then, there’s no one else to chase. 

I consider myself lucky though, even when all I find is this    abbreviated attraction, because usually,   no one there   interests me; not even on the first day.  So it’s sadly disappointing on the second day when I think that I’ve found a wonderful sweetie to enjoy for the rest of the session, only to learn that I’ve lost the fire.  Thus, romantically speaking, I’m usually quite bored at camp, from day two on.  But if greater numbers of attractive ladies came, I think I’d have a better chance at making a great love connection, and better enjoying all of the time in the session. Sadly though, these women seem to largely steer clear of camp.

Somehow, I must secure a steady stream of new women, and work that wellspring until I find one in the bunch who captures my heart, in a relatively permanent way.  I do want lasting love, though some might think that all I really wish to do is spread my desire around.  At camp, however, it’s typical that I only see one or two ladies a year that I’d want to approach.  In most sessions, I find none.   Thus, I may need to find richer hunting grounds.

“Rule ‘em in, and rule ‘em out.”  That’s what one therapist in the mid 1990s said when I discussed this with him.  “You rule in the ones you like, you keep them in as long as you like them, and then you rule them out soon after the relating to them stops feeling nice, and right.”  Now I certainly believe that I’m capable of enjoying a romantic relationship, for years at a time.  In fact, ultimately, this is what I desire; a lasting love relationship with one, very special lady.  But I’ve just had a lengthy run of bad luck when it comes to picking the lastingly beautiful women.  I’ve been hard pressed to find ones that like me enough to date me in the first place, and even on the infrequent occasions when some like that do appear, they do not hold   my   interest for more than a few short weeks.  Unfortunately, camp has not supplied   enough   of these longer-running types of romantic encounters and liaisons.  The cold truth is: Very few female campers (with the exception of [Emmy] and one or two others over the years, have been appealing to me.  Outside of people like [Emmy] there’s been no camper for whom I felt any electricity.   I so wish that  [Emmy]  and I could have found ways to keep the romantic fires burning for longer than just the first few months we knew each other.

Yes, it just might be time to try something else, besides camp.  But what?  Stand by.

Tom Hesley

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These girls wooed me the most over all.  Not that they   all   produced the greatest sexual or romantic desire and gratification, though some of them did.  But at times while either pining for or dating each of these, I felt I could be with no one more suited to my tastes, morals, values, education level, religious beliefs, social status, and so on.   While grazing in these ladies’ pastures, the grass immediately surrounding me was always the greenest.  Indeed, there was no such thing as greener grass on the other side of the fence.  There may have been   equally   green grass; but none greener.  I sensed that I was dating among the best I could, and that there was none better.  Now I’ve dated many others besides these.  But only relationships forged with the ladies in this list appeared to be the best that a relationship could be; at least for a few months to a few years anyhow. 

And now, the list:

1. [First Love]   in 1972 through 1990.
2. [Molly]   in 1974.
3. [Ann]  in 1974, and briefly in 2004.
4. [Maniac]   in 1975.
5. [BT]   in 1976.
6. [Shaina]   in 1977.
7. [Dawn]   in 1979.
8. [Cher]   in 1981 through 1983.
9. [Andrea]    in 1982.
10. [Shelly]   in 1983.
11. [Shanee]   in 1983.
12. Paula Eide    in 1984.
13. [Fannie]   in 1984 through 1987.
14. [Kate]  in 1986 through 1987.
15. [Lenee]   in 1988.
16. [Elstan]  in 1988 through 2002.
17. [Cassee]  in 1989, 1994, and 2000.
18. [Renee]   in 1990 through 1991.
19. [Juanita]   in 1991, 1994, and 2001.
20. [Roberta]   in 1991.
21. [Chrissy]   in 1993.
22. [Emeebee]   in 1993-1998, 2000-2001.
23. [Carlene J]  in 1993 and then again in 2000.
24. [Melinda]  in 1995, and briefly in 2007.
25. [Alandra]   in 1996-1997.
26. [Judith]   in 1997-1998, 2010.
27. [Vee] in 1997 -2002, 2006.
28. [Kar]   in 1998-2002.
29. [J]   in 1999-2000.
30. [Lynn]  in 1999-2000.
31. [Beejay]   in 2000 through 2001.
32. [LizDee]   in 2002 and 2004, briefly.
33. [Emmy]   in 2003, and 2005.
34. [Kandi]  in 2003 through 2005.
35. [Ballerina]   in 2004.
36. [Linda]   in 2009.
37. [Miss Independent]  in 2009.
38. [Prism]   in 2009.
39. [Elsee]   in 2009.

Click on each name link to see the posts that pertain to that lady.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Prism],

It appeared after the first half of the 2009 camp session (details here), that you and I would never be friends.  You seemed as cold as ever, and I was as irritated at you for that, as ever. 

But then at lunch on Thursday, someone spilled a cup of water on the floor near the food counter up front.  I noticed the shiny puddle as I was leaving and moved to step around it.  At the same time, I also saw you coming toward me, and was about to call out to you to steer away.  But I was too late.  Your foot landed square in the middle of that mess, and in less than a second, you went down; your feet slipping completely out from underneath you with lightning speed, and you fell, landing with a thud.  As you descended, I watched in this frozen horror, that surprised me, and my right arm instinctively reached out to cushion your fall.  But I was too far away, and couldn’t reach you before you hit the floor.  It was like watching a scary movie, and I gasped audibly as this horrific scene unfolded.  I don’t know why.  But in that instant that you were completely off of the floor, I realized that I did not want to see anything happen to you.  I’d have done anything I could to save you.  Perhaps I had developed a crush on you in spite of  how you’d treated me thus far.  This could explain that sudden urgency to protect you that I experienced.  Strange. 

As you fell, for a brief moment our eyes met and I sensed that you saw the fear and sadness in my face, which I think surprised you just as it did me.  I mean, each of us was certainly not the other’s favorite person.  Until then, I actively disliked you.  But as I watched you fall, this overwhelming need to guard you against harm welled up inside me, along with a stinging fear of the injuries you might suffer, should you land on the cement the wrong way.  In that moment, all my accumulated bad feelings for you vanished.  Our negative history suddenly became trivial.  Then, with all of my heart, I wanted more than anything to keep you from falling, and I felt a momentary yet extreme despair when I found that I couldn’t. 

After you hit, I watched you more intently than I’ve ever watched even the most engrossing films.  Were you okay, and what could I do to help?  Fortunately, you were fine, and got back up on your feet quickly.  But while you squatted, as you stood back up, you looked up at me and said quietly, “I’m okay,” as if to reassure me.  Your tone indicated humility and sincere appreciation over my concern.  I’d never seen this much-softer side of you that I must say,  mesmerized and captivated me. 

Our eyes met again, and I did not want to break the contact.  You smiled and seemed a little embarrassed; I thought I noticed you blushing.  I got the idea that our historically stormy association had just been transformed into a calmer, more pleasant friendship in the future.

That moment was magical for me because in it, you changed in my eyes from this easily hated and ugly person, into a beautiful woman.  Your softer side enthralled me, and it made it easy to forgive you for any hurt that you’d caused previously.  It made me curious about you too, and eager to come to each meal to see you; an activity that I’d heretofore dreaded.  Your smile, as you picked yourself up, made me fall. 

You changed too, didn’t you?  From that point on, gone was your harshness (or at least, it was highly subdued).  In fact, [Emmy] noticed that your heart had softened a little.  She said this to me at Bill’s party on the hill last night.  How about that crazy thunderstorm that almost ruined the party?  I’ve got the sniffles today.  But you liked the LED Christmas lights I’d strung up, saying that they were “a nice touch.”  I believe that this was the first time that you’d ever complemented me, and I liked it and wanted more.   Thanks for “turning around” a little.  Your softer side made the rest of the session much more enjoyable. 

The story continues   here.

Tom Hesley

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Friends,

I’ve felt no inspiration to write the past few days. The loss of [Emmy] so abruptly, given how long we’ve been together, is bringing me down, and my mourning may be clouding my creative visions.  Plus, I’m in love with no one currently. So the love muse is gone too. Hopefully, I’ll get an inspirational recharge at the next foot party in July.

In the meantime though, I’m journaling, to record and better understand the ebbs and flows of creative writing as they happen in my life. Eventually, these experiences will be documented in my blogs; but not just now.

I’m also reading a biography called:  Francis Bacon: The Temper of a Man   by Catherine Drinker Bowen. I enjoy reading philosophy and hearing about those who write it, because in their life experiences, as told by themselves and others, I believe I can expand my understanding of my own situation, and thus, feel better about it, even though I’m not moved at present to write about it.  I’m confident though that this lacking desire to write will be short-lived, and that I’ll feel impassioned once more to blog, just as I was after meeting [Linda] last May.  All that need be done, is to find someone else to fall in love with, and then, the reams of daily writing will once again flow abundantly.  I am sure of it.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Emmy],

Well, we just finished your first visit here since our breakup. Saying goodbye on Wednesday felt more like a real breakup than what we did over the phone back in May; it’s a struggle to hold back the tears. Giving you up is really going to be hard because as noted here, our monogamous relationship was very close to ideal. While I’m sorry I don’t have my whole heart to give you, what we have is still pretty darn good, even though we’re not dating exclusively anymore. We have a lot of wonderful history, and my feelings for you have not changed since I requested my freedom. So is it any wonder that I’d still want you to visit and continue sharing the way we did while going steady? I wish not to sacrifice the heart you’ve given me. But I understand why you might think this necessary.

I care deeply for you, [Emmy]. So I worry that you’re alone in the world since you have far fewer people to help you succeed than I did at your age. I enjoy offering you the same sort of help and love that I had when I was starting out. I suppose it’s my way of “fathering the daughter” I never had. Helping you, validates me; it makes me feel useful and that I can make a positive difference to someone. I’m paying the universe back in part for all the goodness it’s given me over the years. This is my way of passing on the love, or paying forward.

Before you, I had little of this, and doubted my ability to love selflessly; indeed, I could be very selfish as a young adult. But when you needed me, I rose to the challenge with greater capacity than I’d ever seen in myself before. You showed me that I’m not overly selfish, and that I can put the needs of others first when appropriate. You helped me grow a genuine and deep desire to make another happy. I learned from you how to love in giving and caring ways; ways that emphasize less the filling of my needs, and more the meeting of someone else’s. Being with you made it clear that by doing for a lover, I’m fulfilling some of my deepest longings as well. You drove home the point that selfless love is actually a selfish idea. E.g.: I wanted to do for you so I could be happy too.

While I still feel that true love is first selfish, and then selfless, you taught that the selfless part plays a bigger role in love than I’d ever imagined before. So you established firmly in my mind that I have a good heart and that I can, with less hardship than I ever expected, do some real good in the world.

I often feared dying without ever having learned to be selfless. But I carry this burden no more thanks to you, [Emmy]. Now, whenever death comes, I’ll have a clear conscience. My grandparents would be proud because if they were alive today, because I think they’d enjoy seeing me pass to you a little of what they gave to me. You would be worthy of receiving every bit of love they offered me, and I’ll forever be glad that over the past five years, I could show you a little of what Gram and Pap Jewell were all about. So with all that said, yes. Part of me wants to be kind to you and hopefully now, you have some idea why.

Thus, you were right a few days back when you said that I pity you. I do. You said though, that you didn’t want pity. But this sort of pity has some goodness to it! I pity you because I love you; not because I deem you of lesser value or less capable. My compassion stems from the extra hardship you’ve experienced, and will continue to experience. I recognize this in you; just my grandparents saw it in me. They wanted to make the journey a little less painful for me, just as I do for you. They pitied me, and I’m a far better person for that kindness today. I realize that you have it tough as a vision-impaired person because I’ve had it tough too for, to a lesser degree, the same reason. While I haven’t the power to remove all your obstacles, I do wish to ease your difficulties where I can. I believe you have great potential and that you’ll begin realizing it when you get connected with a bunch of truly compassionate people like Marsha and Mike et al; people who will gladly help you determine and then achieve your goals.

While some might describe what we have as a mere “friendship with benefits,” you know as do I, that it’s so much more. My desire to be there for you is deeper than just sexual, as I trust that this letter shows. You’ve helped me to be less lonely, and I’ve helped you to get on in the world. Perhaps what we have is more symbiotic than romantic. Nonetheless though, it benefits us both. So I had hoped that you’d continue benefiting me until I got into my dream relationship, and in return, I’d benefit you by helping you get where you most need to go. But I guess such an arrangement would just be delaying the inevitable. I fear that we will eventually grow apart.

Now this part of what I feel for you is admittedly, a bit selfish. Until the best women for me appear if they ever do at all, I’m happy with a lady who is 95 percent better than no one; I’m happy with you [Emmy]. The thought of going back to the years of loneliness before you came into my life, terrifies me. You’re the first person that proved that an all-or-nothing approach to relationships may not be the best way to operate; especially when the choice is either being 95 percent happy, or 100 percent lonely, without any female companionship whatsoever. Indeed people can be very good associates, though not ideal lovers. Yet I know this would be painful for you, to witness me pursuing other women. So maybe it’s wrong for me to suggest that you hang with me until my dream girl arrives. If you feel so, then I understand. Perhaps I have used you. But if so, it was for no other selfish gain than to quell my loneliness, see you smile, and to prove my own abilities to be selfless. Is that really so bad?

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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Friends,

[Emmy] went home today. Curious. Today felt more like a real breakup than when we actually broke up in May. As I left her at the train station, this inescapable feeling gripped me, that we’d never see each other again in this way; we won’t be lovers the next time.  More barriers of being just friends will be in place by then I fear. But at least, while she won’t visit as much in the months to come, we’ll still talk on the phone daily as per usual; for now anyway.  I’ll need some time to get used to seeing her less, before I can start getting used to talking less on the phone. I’m glad she has not insisted on a complete communication stoppage. 

Made a dozen or so posts on My Telespace; a few ladies messaged me privately. I think they like me, so that lessened the sting of losing [Emmy] a little. But as soon as I hung up, that old and familiar pit in the stomach returned. It’s going to take some months to come to feel good about giving [Emmy] up.

Talked with [Emmy] once she got home. All the rain this evening delayed the train somewhat. But she reached her apartment just after 9:20 PM. Hearing her voice was comforting because at least, she’s not gone completely. I cried over her a little too, which is the first time the tears welled for a woman in over a decade. But it was my choice to end the serious dating we’ve been doing for close to five years now; though it was a choice that I could not have made in any other way, unfortunately.  See here for some of the reasons why I had to do it.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Linda],

Regrettable that we were unable to connect romantically. But I do hope that you’ll still be my friend and that you do not feel uncomfortable, should we see each other at the parties. I’m not angry. It just wasn’t there for you.  If I’m not your dream guy, then you can’t possibly be my dream girl.  Sorry if I concluded too quickly that you were.  If you don’t want me, then I’ll shortly, and no longer, want you.  I promise.

One thing you said last weekend that I readily identified with, was that often you develop feelings for lovers quickly. But then you find them fading within weeks. It’s frustrating when love doesn’t last, isn’t it?  As you know, I’ve grappled with this issue, and while I have no complete solutions yet, I have come a long way toward addressing it. So, I invite you to read on here, and check out the rest of this blog, where I discuss this problem at length; particularly in the letters to [Emmy]. I’d also enjoy reading about how you’ve dealt with this yourself, and perhaps others will comment as well. 

I’ve found that some of this rapid loss of the love feelings stems from choosing lovers poorly in the first place.  Knowing one’s needs well, and then refusing to settle for anyone who does not meet them quickly and decisively, will help ensure that lovers you do pick will turn out to be the loves of your life.   Of course, no one can guarantee this, because human behavior in love is largely unpredictable.  No matter how carefully you choose at the start, people can change over time or your desires might change as well.  But you can take steps to make the best selection you can.  You can pick lovers that will work out better over the long haul if you’re careful, than you can if you’re careless.  Being careful at the start really does pay off, throughout the relationship that follows.  Choosing a lover therefore, need not be some hit or miss, enigmatic process.  Doing this knowingly is entirely possible, if you’re in tune with what you really want.  With a little prudence and forethought, you can significantly raise the odds that your next lover will be able to provide you lasting passion.

When selecting the best lovers for example, compromise and compassion are your worst enemies; they’ll only confuse you and make you second-guess your choices.  Though these are noble qualities to exhibit when assisting someone less fortunate, you must not allow them to cloud your judgment when figuring out if a suitor will be a great lover.  Making due and settling, while this might make the lover happy, will only make you sad in the long run.  So avoid it.  Never pick a lover because you feel that you cannot do better; particularly if you   want   to do better.  Also, avoid suitors for whom you feel sorrow or pity.  If they appear to need you too much or too quickly, my experiences suggest that this can completely extinguish romance, within days even.  In order to maximize eroticism in both intensity and duration, you must pick lovers who are in every way that matters, perfect for you.

This is not to say that compromise and compassion have   no place   in the relationship.  They do; especially once the two lovers have fallen and have begun building a life together.  Without compromise and compassion, it’d be virtually impossible to keep up the motivation to stay with someone, through thick and thin, and in sickness as well as in health, as it were.  But at the beginning, before love comes, these traits can mislead us into thinking that someone is ultimately right, when in fact, they’re quite wrong. Concern about their welfare should not enter your mind during the making of this decision.  At this point, it’s all about you.

Contrary to common belief, picking a good lover is among the most selfish of human pursuits, as it should be.  You can’t do it well with altruistic motives.  Your needs must come first.  So this is one of those times when it’s right to be brutally selfish; especially when getting what you most want lays in the balance.  It’s not acceptable to defer or sacrifice what you want, so that another may have their dream come true.  Indeed, the more selfish and insistent you are, the better the lovers you choose will be at making you happy over the long term.  Though this approach may earn you disdain from your friends as well as people who you reject as lovers, it’s still best to stay the course.  Don’t allow them to shame you away from your dreams.  Avoid people who seem to know more about what you want than you.  No one can take care of you better than you, and no one knows more about what’s best for you either.  You are your own best expert.  So listen to yourself.  Follow your heart effectively, and I’m certain that you’ll have much better luck keeping the fires of passion and romance burning brightly, and indefinitely.

So you see why I say that if I’m not your dream guy, then you can’t be my dream girl. One of the qualifications a dream girl must meet is that she thinks of me as a dream guy.  So if I’m not someone you desire at the very base of your soul, then I would not be able to keep you happy for long, no matter what I did.  Sooner or later, and probably sooner, the love feelings would die, and we both want to avoid that.  Right?  My dream girl is happy with me without my having to do a thing outside what I normally do. If I must struggle to impress her, then she’s not it.  If she must compromise her ideals to love me, or if she loves out of pity for me, then again, she’s not it.  I would not ask a lady to love me for either of these reasons, and I don’t mean to suggest that you were ever extra nice to me because of them.  I only bring this up because you noted that you like feeling useful, and some of the dates that you described, sounded a bit needy.  Maybe this was what squelched your feelings for them so quickly?  I don’t know.  I’m just guessing.  But it could be.  I hope you’ll consider it. 

Anyway, I must get going.  I hope your June goes well and perhaps I’ll see you at the next party.

So take care [Linda].

Tom Hesley

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Dear [Emmy],

Getting over someone leaving you can be quite the painful experience. I’ve been through this pain several times over the years, and found the following books most helpful:

How to Survive the Loss of a Love,   by Peter McWilliams, Harold M. Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove. This book offers thoughts, procedures, techniques, and diet tips to help ease the pain of jilt.  You’ll find lots of snappy and insightful quotes that should lift your spirits. 

You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought,  by Peter McWilliams. This work argues that you can reduce anxieties of all sorts by not thinking overly about the negative sides of issues. I found it a bit Pollyannaish. But when you’re hurting, it’s a great pick-me-up.

A Guide to Rational Living,   by Albert Ellis. Illustrates how irrational thinking about the self and love can intensify the pain of loss. Thinking rationally about jilt takes you a long way toward reducing the pain of it.

How to Control Your Anger Before it Controls You,   by Albert Ellis. Written in much the same style as the previous book. It offers suggestions and the rationale behind them, to help you avoid anger, and to get at the underlying feelings of hurt and frustration.

Inner Joy,   by Harold M. Bloomfield. Shows you the good things to focus on in relationships and offers ways to resolve the bad thoughts; it does not suggest simply to ignore the negative thoughts. But it takes the most common of these, and makes good arguments of why you should not entertain them.

Motivation and Personality,  by Abraham H. Maslow. Sometimes, people deal with the pain of jilt and the resulting loneliness, by denying their love needs. This can actually intensify their anxieties over their failed relationship because they’re denouncing the biologically based love need. Before you try that, read this book. It shows that as a general rule, we humans   must   exchange love to realize our highest potential.  You can’t just talk yourself out of this need. So you’ll not want to deny it as a way of ridding yourself of the pain.  Indeed, doing this would be denying your very nature.  [Mentat] and I talked extensively about Maslow’s work in this area.  Click here to see those and other related posts. 

Positive Imaging,   by Norman Vincent Peale. This is one of those feel-good-about-yourself books that I read back in 1989, that emphasizes how seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty can help you feel better.

I hope these books help you, [Emmy].  They’ve sure helped me over the years.

Tom Hesley

Dear [Emmy],

Sorry I’m three weeks late answering you. But as you know, it’s been a busy time around here.

At any rate, I’m glad that my family and I can be here for you; it feels good to know that we’re making such a positive difference in someone’s life, a special person who really needs it.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Yes, when we find someone special, what we thought mattered before, often does not once we fall. I guess I had enough other stuff that you wanted, to make you forget your “muscular” dream guy.  Clearly, I’m not that.  Yet you still love me. 

I guess if we had been totally right together, I would not have desired other women. So don’t think that it’s normal to put up with your boyfriend wandering. If he really wants you, he won’t play in other fields. Some people make open relationships work well. But ultimately, I want more; I’d rather be exclusively involved with someone I’m crazy about. When she’s around, I think only of her, and no others.

We all have imperfections to accept, and we must trust that others accept them too. If they don’t, then we move on. Easier said than done, yes. I’m middle-aged, and still struggle with this. But take my word for it.  This does get easier as you get older. Besides, it’s not like you’re missing an eye or sporting a gaping scar on your forehead. Whatever your imperfections, they’re not obtrusive except to someone who is really looking for them. I don’t see them at all.

Again, you worry too much, and again I must remind you that you’re   choosing   to worry. So stop it!  If [Linda] ever meets you, she’ll agree. You are a beautiful lady in body, mind, and spirit.  Once you believe that deeply, no one can make you doubt it. I wear thick glasses, so I’m looking for women who see past them; you must do the same with your insecurities.  Seek people who do not see them.  There’s a wealth of accepting souls out there who would never notice those “imperfections” that trouble you so.

Finally, as we discussed the other night, even in the worst case where no one accepts you, there should always be one person who does; and that person is   you.   You don’t need others’ acceptance to accept yourself, because   you’re okay,   no matter what they think.

As for no men ever finding you pretty: Nonsense! Every time we go for a walk, guys gawk at you. I think they’d look even more if I wasn’t there; they might even approach and say hello. Whatever scars you have don’t affect how men see you. I have scars, [M]. I have scars, moles, cysts, and my legs are very short for a man of my height (28’’ pants length). Indeed, many of your friends find me plain, and some have even said that I’m ugly as you know. But no matter [M].  I’m okay. I don’t need their approval to be me, and you need no approval to be you.

Now, if you were so butt-ugly that no one paid you any mind, then I’d understand your looks worries. But this is not the case and you know it. Many people think you’re tops because they’re always commenting about how pretty you are. Look at all the guys who’ve hit on you since you and I started. You might not desire them, and I’m not saying you should. But do not dismiss them. Take their compliments to heart, as proof that you’re not as plain as you imagine. Sometimes, what others think   should   matter; especially the positive stuff. So keep the positive and discard the negative.

Yes. I got many rejections in 2004 and as painful as they were, I grew a lot from them. I learned that people’s judgments should only mean so much.  They should not affect how we accept ourselves. Hopefully, you won’t go through so much before you really get this.

When it comes to finding my dream girl, I’m no quitter. As we’ve discussed before, I promised myself back in 2001 that I’d either win the love quest, or die trying.  I’ll never give up; and neither should you.

The quest has taught me so much about others and myself. It’s moved me to read books of all kinds, watch relationship TV shows, and to meet all sorts of diverse people. I learned too that most of what people judge us on when they like us, is   not   within our control. [Linda] is a remarkably beautiful woman. Yet most of what makes her this way is beyond her control.  Her nature and nurture did it primarily, just as my nature and nurture made me find her so magnetic. We can’t really make people fall in love with us; certainly not by having a few small scars lasered.

My point, [Emmy], is that   most of who you are is already set,   and   it’s that part of you that makes people love you if they’re going to.  So don’t worry so much about becoming more lovable. Give up the idea that you must impress someone to make them fall.  Stop regretting what you do not have, and start relishing what you do.  Most every pot has at least one lid that fits it well. So try less to reshape your pot, and try more simply to   find a lid that fits your pot, as it is.  

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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I heard from [Linda] today. Need I say more? Perhaps not. But I will; just a little anyhow.  

I didn’t think she’d write; but write she did, and that wave at the last party, again flung me up into new highs of joy.  For a while, the party high I had in the first week of May all but disappeared. But it’s back again! Don’t you just love roller coasters? Up, then down, then back up again. Marvelous.

She read all my letters and likes them; she likes my “way with words” as she put it.   :-)  

She says that she’ll be at the next party in June. I had worried that she might not come since I had told her that I’d not come back until August.  But now [Linda] knows better.     I’ll be there in June, and so apparently, will she. Yes!

We’ve exchanged a few emails and she’s posted comments on this blog.  We’re communicating now, and that’s a terrific thing.

You know what? I think I’ve found a new friend, and I’m eager to learn all about her over the months ahead. I learned today that she likes the gym, but not green tea so much. She enjoys pavilions and deep conversation, and her kids keep her quite busy. I told her that she inspired me and she said that she found our shared experience equally positive.

She was confused however, over how I could have become so smitten with her at the party since I talked so much about fixing things with [Emmy]. In a nutshell, I told her, I realized that though I still love [Emmy], that I was never really   in    love with [Emmy]. I need to feel that spark, that draw, that electricity in any relationship I’m in, temporary though it may be, lest I grow bored and want to leave. Indeed, when the electricity dissipates, I must soon thereafter go away as well.

But right now, there are many arcing, snapping, and crackling bolts throughout [Linda's] halo. So there will be plenty enough charge to last a mighty long time. This battery isn’t going dead anytime soon.      Time will tell.  But at the moment, I can’t see myself ever becoming bored with this remarkably beautiful woman.  I so pray that it stays this way.

Stay tuned.

Tom Hesley

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