Romanceless Camp
Sunday, January 10th, 2010From audio journal episode: AJE-2010-01-09-14-11.
Lately, I’ve been thinking of skipping camp this year. One big reason is that, though not completely, camp has largely failed me romantically. When I first attended as an adult back in 1995, I hoped to find continued love and acceptance from attractive women. If you’ve read much of this blog, then you know that this has been the central theme of my entire life as a man, and it’s the one thing that my life has sorely lacked. Thus, I thirsted for alluring ladies with whom I could enjoy frequent and sustained physical affection.
I wasn’t necessarily seeking just one lady, although if I found a goddess, I’d have been happy with just her as long as I stayed in love. But I would have gone for multiple simultaneous dates even, if it meant being consistently gratified romantically and sexually. Whether it takes one woman or many to accomplish this, I simply don’t care; as long as it gets done somehow. But while it’s true that at camp, a small handful of satisfying relationships indeed developed, I’ve found no lasting romances there since 2003. So after this seven-year dry spell, I’m thinking that camp provides an insufficiently target-rich environment in which to pursue my love quest such that I’d have reasonable chances of winning. So it might be time for a change in this new decade.
Now I wish not to completely dismiss the associations I forged at camp. Indeed, there have been some interesting ones, as follows:
- There was this very young adult woman in 1995 that I liked, right away, and she didn’t mind holding hands and occasionally kissing. But she did this with many, and that put me off, just a few days into the session.
- The friendship with [Alandra] in 1996 was great at the beginning. On my end, this romance brimmed with passion. But that summer love lost interest in me soon after that summer ended.
- Then, I met [Judith], a very eligible Czech counselor in 1997. But once camp was over, again, so too was our romantic relationship, pretty much. Even while camp was in session, we only managed a few “stolen moments” together, as she had little time each day to spend with me due to her work schedule. Besides, camp regulations, so it’s been said, forbid counselors from involving themselves romantically with campers, and she wished, understandably, not to break the rules. So all I could do that summer was long for her from afar.
- I met no one special in 1998.
- Then in 1999, I met camper [JenGee]. But subsequent dating in Philadelphia that fall, revealed an excessively hot-headed, temperamental woman who often used the F word, and who preferred not to keep a clean dwelling. One day at parlor on Market Street, she ate ice cream from the same dish as her dog, after the brute had taken a few licks. She was not stable.
- I met [Kathy], also in 1999. But, engaged already, she seemed unimpressed by me; though she appeared to enjoy me taking lots of pictures of her at the winter retreat.
- 2001 brought one strikingly beautiful, partially sighted camper to Beacon Lodge. Though she smoked routinely, most of the other guys were drawn to her too. Thus, competition was fierce for this one. Plus, she had a boyfriend at home, and she was very religious besides. So, there would be no sneaking off in the dead of night with this one. In spite of all that though, I wrote her a few times. But she either did not respond at all, or what she did communicate was terse, and lacked any passion.
- Then, there was Lisa Davidson at the winter retreat in 2002. However, she also had a boyfriend. So we ended up not really getting together until the spring of 2004. When we did, I found that she was a smoker as well, and actually rather needy. She carried much baggage that I was ill-equipped to handle.
- Next, came counselor [Kandi] in 2003, who rejected me flatly a couple years later, when I asked to rub her feet, even though she had previously allowed [Jack] to do it. This crushed my ego, needless to say.
- However, the one very good relationship that camp made possible, was (and still is) that with [Emmy]. I met her in 2003 and we built a friendship that nearly seven years later, has grown into the deepest, most abiding one I’ve ever experienced with either a male or female. Though [Emmy] and I are not romantically involved at this point, I suspect that if not for her coming to camp the past seven summers, I’d have stopped going myself much sooner.
- From 2004 through 2007, I met no other intriguing women there.
- In 2008, of all the female campers and counselors, just one 18 year-old, [Prism], had me fantasizing over stealing away with her up to the a-frames or the Braille trail. Towering over me at 6′ tall, she piqued my curiosity the very first time I saw her, in spite of her “pleasantly plump” figure. Now usually, heavier girls do not interest me. But this one did. Unfortunately, she was notably aloof and seemed like she really didn’t want to be working there. She shunned small talk. More about her here.
- Surprisingly therefore, in 2009, [Prism] was back, and for the first two thirds of the session, acted precisely as cold as she had the year before: overly custodial, like she was taking care of unruly pets rather than adult campers. She scolded as well, in this condescending, belittling tone, like a gruff old teacher. But she softened over the last several days, toward me at least, presumably because she realized that I was (at least) her intellectual equal. However, she has not written me, though I put my contact info right into her hand as I departed on the last day. I’ll write more about this encounter later.
Thus, as I hope is obvious, camp accomplished some of what I hoped it would. But back in 1995, I guess I desired more. I would have liked meeting four or five girls like [Emmy] over the fifteen years I’ve been going, instead of just the one.
Perhaps it’s unfair to expect camp to provide endless streams of fresh romances. But I suppose that it’s no less fair than the hunter, hoping that the forests he visits have lots of the sorts of prey that he wishes to bag. If they don’t, then he does not hunt them. As the saying goes: If you want to hunt elephants, then you go where the elephants are. But it appears that camp has become a depleted forest for me, and to continue the metaphor, camp has proven to be one place where the elephants are usually not. Indeed, I find way too few potential lovers there, to make going and enduring the tight quarters and inevitable weight gain worthwhile. So I must find more plentiful hunting grounds, I think.
Unfortunately I don’t stay attracted to most women for long. Indeed, my greatest thrills of passion generally occur in the first week or two of a new affair. But most of those in fact, lose that, the very first day. Afterwards, the lady and I either become great romance-less friends, as has happened with [Emmy] and I, or we eventually drift apart, quite likely, forever. However, this would be less of a concern at camp, if more eligible ladies came around.
Nevertheless, I’m fortunate that [Emmy], loving soul that she is, has chosen to grow our friendship, rather than abandon it. Even though I can offer her no exclusivity these days, over the years she’s made the “desolate” periods at camp much less lonely than had she not been around. When there are no ladies I desire at camp for romance, at least there’s [Emmy] there, for great friendship. Hanging with her makes those dry spells bearable. Again, without her to soften the disappointments of finding no eligible women upon my arrival at camp, I’d have stopped attending camp long ago.
At camp for me, with so few interesting ladies attending, it has sometimes occurred that I’d meet someone on the first day (in fact, the only lady at that session that catches my eye at all), only to discover that she’s lost her charm on the second day. Then, for the rest of the time, I have no one else to check out, to admire from afar, to admire from a little closer, and then finally, to pursue into the woods on some sultry evening, for an hour or two of passionate kissing. Indeed, by the time the woman I desire feels comfortable enough to indulge me, I’ve done lost the passion. Then, there’s no one else to chase.
I consider myself lucky though, even when all I find is this abbreviated attraction, because usually, no one there interests me; not even on the first day. So it’s sadly disappointing on the second day when I think that I’ve found a wonderful sweetie to enjoy for the rest of the session, only to learn that I’ve lost the fire. Thus, romantically speaking, I’m usually quite bored at camp, from day two on. But if greater numbers of attractive ladies came, I think I’d have a better chance at making a great love connection, and better enjoying all of the time in the session. Sadly though, these women seem to largely steer clear of camp.
Somehow, I must secure a steady stream of new women, and work that wellspring until I find one in the bunch who captures my heart, in a relatively permanent way. I do want lasting love, though some might think that all I really wish to do is spread my desire around. At camp, however, it’s typical that I only see one or two ladies a year that I’d want to approach. In most sessions, I find none. Thus, I may need to find richer hunting grounds.
“Rule ‘em in, and rule ‘em out.” That’s what one therapist in the mid 1990s said when I discussed this with him. “You rule in the ones you like, you keep them in as long as you like them, and then you rule them out soon after the relating to them stops feeling nice, and right.” Now I certainly believe that I’m capable of enjoying a romantic relationship, for years at a time. In fact, ultimately, this is what I desire; a lasting love relationship with one, very special lady. But I’ve just had a lengthy run of bad luck when it comes to picking the lastingly beautiful women. I’ve been hard pressed to find ones that like me enough to date me in the first place, and even on the infrequent occasions when some like that do appear, they do not hold my interest for more than a few short weeks. Unfortunately, camp has not supplied enough of these longer-running types of romantic encounters and liaisons. The cold truth is: Very few female campers (with the exception of [Emmy] and one or two others over the years, have been appealing to me. Outside of people like [Emmy] there’s been no camper for whom I felt any electricity. I so wish that [Emmy] and I could have found ways to keep the romantic fires burning for longer than just the first few months we knew each other.
Yes, it just might be time to try something else, besides camp. But what? Stand by.
Related Posts
- Necessary Verses Needless Rejections
- Prism 2008
- Tom’s Diary: Bad Food At Camp
- Tom’s Diary: Camp Fatigue: 2010
