Quest Revisions: 2010-02-17
February 18th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-02-16
February 16th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-13
January 14th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Elsee’s Betrayal
January 13th, 2010From audio journal episode: 2010-01-12-20-05.
Some surprising news arrived today, involving the My Telespace main board, which I participated on extensively over this past summer. I learned that [Elsee] had, as was described to me, gone crazy a month or two ago, and posted to the public board, at least one of my private communiqués that I had originally sent to just her, and thus, intended only for her ears to hear. The public board however, is where any of the 800+ members could listen to it.
This hurt, shocked, and flattered me a little. Why? First, it shocked me because I guess I misread [Elsee]. I found her so attractive throughout our summer chats, that I formed an unduly positive opinion, which I hoped she’d actually be worthy of. I wanted to be right about her, and for months, it seemed that I had been. She played the part very well, of this soft-spoken, highly intelligent, gentle and stable lady, and her voice revved up my heart the very first time it resonated my eardrums. I would never have thought her to be one who would intentionally betray someone; anyone for that matter. But eventually, she did, to me, not once, but twice. She first did it on the public board, near the end of our summer phone talk. Now, according to a dear friend, she’s stabbed my back again, and this comes over two months after I left that board, and stopped talking to her. This made me perhaps a little less naïve about people these days and what badness they’re capable of when they’re angry.
Surprising this was, because [Elsee] in her tender yet sweetly sophisticated way, seemed incapable of this blatant duplicity. Indeed, I found her strikingly smart and benevolent at first. So her failure to grasp the simple yet essential ingredient of reciprocal loyalty in any friendship befuddled me. One weekend last August, a few bullish women were bashing, browbeating, and humiliating [Elsee] on the main board. So I defended her. Then, the following weekend, that same crowd started in on me; divulging my personal information, and taunting me with things I’d written from this blog. They read some of my posts on the board, and then made fun of them; their language full of odious jeers and acrimony. But [Elsee], rather than returning my favor through supporting me, actually joined her recent enemies in a new alliance against me, and bashed me right alongside the others. She called me a misogamist because I dared suggest that women could contribute to solving the problem of rape.
She took this intellectual discussion very personally and lashed out, attacking my character, accusing me of hating women, and questioning the quality of my upbringing. She did not stay intellectually focused on the issue itself.
Now, I showed loyalty to her when I stood up to the bullies; in fact, one major reason that they got after me, was my steadfast defense of [Elsee]. But she returned only treachery, arguing that even though one gives reliability, he has no business expecting back the same. She asserted that though she appreciated my faithfulness the previous weekend, she never asked me to give it, and therefore felt no obligation to return it. She went as far as to say that she could be anything, to anyone, at any time, for any reason; implying that no one should ever expect constancy from her, no matter how good to her they’d been previously. Wow.
At this I began appreciating just how emotionally dangerous this, heretofore, sweet little woman could actually be. So I pulled away immediately, abandoning all my aspirations of a romantic relationship with her. I’d opened my heart to a tigress who would sooner or later break it if I didn’t step back.
She jumped right into bashing me publicly without bothering first to consult me privately to make sure she precisely understood my views. She grossly assumed that I meant something that I did not, and took her disagreement with me right to the main board. I guess she thought of me as less of a friend than I considered her. I’m so glad I learned about her dark side as early on in our association as I did.
I had sent a message to [Elsee] in the heat of the whole rape discussion, attempting to clarify my position and expressing my upset at her for turning against me so abruptly and without warning as she had. But she wouldn’t hear it, and remained aligned with the bullies. However, my informant says that three months later, just over one month ago, she posted that same private message to the main board. I wasn’t too upset at learning this because neither in that particular message, nor in any of the hundreds of others that we exchanged privately, did I say anything terribly incriminating. Still though, her willful misuse of my message irked me.
But I was flattered to learn that she still saves at least some of my messages, even though we’ve not talked for several months. Indeed, I wish I’d have saved hers. But when I left My Telespace, I had become quite busy caring for my mother who had just developed a serious diabetic complication, and so had little time to download them before my account there expired. No, I wouldn’t have used them against her. I just would like, now and then to listen to her talk the way she did when things were good between us. Perhaps she cared more for me than she let on when it was hot outside, but apparently not enough to avoid betraying me in the face of a rather straightforward and very small misunderstanding.
Not that I overestimated how much she cared. I mean, I realized as the summer wore on that she and I were both tentative with our feelings towards each other. True. We talked live for great stretches of time now and then, into the wee hours of the morning; exploring one another and learning and enjoying. But neither of us wished to jump into anything too hastily. Nevertheless, I quickly recognized her to be quite attractive, in spite of the fact that even to this day I’ve never seen her picture. [Mentat] told me once that he too developed feelings for his current girlfriend without ever having met her, though I must admit that I couldn’t fully believe him, until I experienced an identical phenomenon myself, with [Elsee]. She possessed a very placid, soft-spoken, and pleasant voice, that articulated with great skill, numerous deep topics; subjects that she seemed to understand very well. Thus, I so loved conversing with her, and couldn’t help but develop feelings for her.
I was in fact, in our third month of communicating, well on my way to falling in love with her, sight unseen. Then, this whole My Telespace debacle occurred; an incident that quickly revealed her to be unworthy of my love, because of how she so unexpectedly jilted me with her apparently care-free infidelity. And there was no mistake about it either, as she defended her position to me for hours, over weeks. She offered no apologies through her unswerving righteousness, even after at her request, I had apologized to her for offending her with my views. So it became painfully clear that her surprise did not occur by accident, but rather due to some of her core values, which I know I’d never be able to reconcile. Some values and traits I expect to find right away in a new acquaintance, but was disappointed to learn after three months, that she and I did not share some highly important ones.
Vulnerable as I was to her at that point, I recognized that she held me in too low an esteem to trust her with my heart. She would hurt me for sure if I grew to long for her any more than I was already. Actually, the statements she made, which I’ve related above, convinced me not to trust her, and to put my guard back up; which had begun to come down in recent weeks. I’d started to love her, and this intensified the pain of her disloyalty. So to protect myself, I couldn’t risk becoming weaker where she was concerned than I had already, and so I said good-bye in a final, private instant message; a message that would become the last communication I ever sent as a member on My Telespace.
Yet now, she’s playing my messages out on the board. No matter really though, because I don’t mind the world knowing that I was enamored with her, and still am. I don’t care if they learn of my pain either or think that I was short-sighted and thus, deserved what I got. Once I fall for someone, they remain special forever, no matter what they say or do. I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself find the person disgusting, when in actual fact, I really find them heavenly, even if they’ve truly behaved disgustingly as [Elsee] has. So, others may deem me silly for my attraction to someone so emotionally reckless with my feelings. So be it. One’s behaviors are but a segment of all the things that make women desirable. Indeed, [Elsee] had everything else going for her, except how she treated me personally. J
So notwithstanding how mean a lady I’ve previously found attractive is, I’ll still be at least a little vulnerable to her. But at some point, once the preponderance of a history of malevolent behavior becomes too great, as it had last August with [Elsee], then while I may still be in love, my rational side will step in and steer me away from continued involvement. It kicked in to protect me, enabling me to bid farewell to [Elsee]. In this case, the fact that I was in love with her made it more imperative that I avoid her. I do not act on those, perhaps irrational love feelings, when it make no rational sense to do so, and when doing so will result in nothing else but more emotional pain and scarring.
Now had she turned out to be more caring, and a lot less back-stabbing, we could have had something very special. You know, I would have flown her here to Altoona to meet me, and I might have even gone to see her out west. But with all that’s happened, even if she were to call tomorrow, wanting reconciliation, I’d never be able to forget (or forgive) what she did to me on the board, and continues to do in fact.
I suppose that what’s happened here is a prime example of the sorts of disconnects that can happen between people. In my view, I did my best to be candid and open; the kinds of behaviors that women say they prefer in a guy. Of course in the wake of his candor, when they discover a view with which they disagree, as [Elsee] did with me, they humiliate you with it. [Elsee] used my own words against me, after encouraging me to be open with her. This is a deal breaker, and thus, there is no recovering from what she did. How, for example, would I ever know, if I did re involve myself with her, that she would never do this again? In fact, she probably would. One’s past behavior is the best predictor of one’s future behavior. I agree with Doc Phil on that one.
Nope. She’s burned her bridges with me, though I still think she’s beautiful. Well, she sounds beautiful anyway. She’s very small and dainty. However, I’m typically drawn to very tall ladies. But occasionally, the short, petite ones pull me down as well. I like some ladies of all types these days. 
So what do I do about [Elsee]? Well, I’ll do nothing, because it’s already been done. She and I don’t talk anymore. So things between us are, as they ultimately should be. There’s nothing between us. Even if she continues making public more of our voluminous library of private messages, she’ll get no reaction from me.
In spite of all of this, I’m glad to have known her, and that I risked as I did, to learn her nature. In fact, I believe that it’s necessary to risk a little, to determine just how trustworthy someone is. Many more fail this test than pass; unfortunately, [Elsee] failed. But fortunately, I didn’t tell her anything that really should be kept quiet. True, I took the risk, and some may think me foolish for taking so much of one. But I also reasonably managed the risk. I risked nothing that I could not afford to lose, and I’m a stronger and wiser person because of what I gained from the experience. Though I ultimately did not get the girl in this case, I’m still glad for what we had; short-lived as it was.
I felt no anger at today’s news. I think those particular emotions were spent once she and I had that final conversation in instant messages. I mean, we were firing communications back and forth for a few hours that night. So I bet that she’s got a veritable treasure trove of my words that she could use against me for years to come without repeating them more than once. Not that she would gain a whole lot of traction with them, because they were very personal in nature, and obviously intimate and directed at her. Indeed, any reasonable person hearing her posts would question her character, and wonder about her stability once they learn that she’s posting publicly, with the intent to humiliate me, my very private messages. Thankfully, I didn’t say much negative about anybody else in those messages.
It’s nice to know though that [Elsee] still thinks of me even though it seems to be in an unfavorable way.
I’m pretty sure nonetheless, that had we connected deeply, [Elsee] and I would have hurt each other, perhaps just like [First Love] and I did so many years ago. [Elsee] reminded me of [First Love] and maybe that was the secret of her charm. She spoke so quietly yet most influentially, just like [First Love]. So it’s too bad that things have turned out as they have. I would have enjoyed meeting her. But now that she’s proven herself to be a back stabber, as someone who cannot be trusted as a confidante, I’ll never make any special arrangements to be with her. Though both things are necessary, I think it’s more important to be able to trust a lover than to have a lover who turns me on. If I had to choose between trust and passionate eroticism, I’d choose trust every time. I hope to find them both in one person. But I won’t find that, in [Elsee]. She’s made that clear with her disheartening antics.
It looks like [Elsee] and [Fall] are peas from the same pod, because [Fall] also revealed information to the board that I’d given to her in confidence. In fact, [Fall] was one of those bullish women that I took issue with on [Elsee]’s behalf, before [Elsee] ganged up with her against me the following weekend. So they deserve each other.
Let them talk all they want, because I’ll not be visiting that board again on the advice of friends and family. I wasted too much time on that Peyton Place, with all the bashing and other behaviors that were so alien to me in my ways of treating people, that I barely could relate there at all. In my opinion there was too much hostility, and too many people lying in wait, just watching and hoping to get you on something. Once a big argument ensued when one lady bashed another for sneezing on the board, of all things.
Hmmmm. I thought I might meet some eligible women on My Telespace. But in the three months that I hunted there, [Elsee] was the most eligible lady I could find; and just look how that turned out.
Take care.
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-11
January 12th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-10
January 11th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
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Tom
Romanceless Camp
January 10th, 2010From audio journal episode: 2010-01-09-14-11.
Lately, I’ve been thinking of skipping camp this year. One big reason is that, though not completely, camp has largely failed me romantically. When I first attended as an adult back in 1995, I hoped to find continued love and acceptance from attractive women. If you’ve read much of this blog, then you know that this has been the central theme of my entire life as a man, and it’s the one thing that my life has sorely lacked. Thus, I thirsted for alluring ladies with whom I could enjoy frequent and sustained physical affection.
I wasn’t necessarily seeking just one lady, although if I found a goddess, I’d have been happy with just her as long as I stayed in love. But I would have gone for multiple simultaneous dates even, if it meant being consistently gratified romantically and sexually. Whether it takes one woman or many to accomplish this, I simply don’t care; as long as it gets done somehow. But while it’s true that at camp, a small handful of satisfying relationships indeed developed, I’ve found no lasting romances there since 2003. So after this seven-year dry spell, I’m thinking that camp provides an insufficiently target-rich environment in which to pursue my love quest such that I’d have reasonable chances of winning. So it might be time for a change in this new decade.
Now I wish not to completely dismiss the associations I forged at camp. Indeed, there have been some interesting ones, as follows:
- There was this very young adult woman in 1995 that I liked, right away, and she didn’t mind holding hands and occasionally kissing. But she did this with many, and that put me off, just a few days into the session.
- The friendship with [Alandra] in 1996 was great at the beginning. On my end, this romance brimmed with passion. But that summer love lost interest in me soon after that summer ended.
- Then, I met [Judith], a very eligible Czech counselor in 1997. But once camp was over, again, so too was our romantic relationship, pretty much. Even while camp was in session, we only managed a few “stolen moments” together, as she had little time each day to spend with me due to her work schedule. Besides, camp regulations, so it’s been said, forbid counselors from involving themselves romantically with campers, and she wished, understandably, not to break the rules. So all I could do that summer was long for her from afar.
- I met no one special in 1998.
- Then in 1999, I met camper [JenGee]. But subsequent dating in Philadelphia that fall, revealed an excessively hot-headed, temperamental woman who often used the F word, and who preferred not to keep a clean dwelling. One day at parlor on Market Street, she ate ice cream from the same dish as her dog, after the brute had taken a few licks. She was not stable.
- I met [Kathy], also in 1999. But, engaged already, she seemed unimpressed by me; though she appeared to enjoy me taking lots of pictures of her at the winter retreat.
- 2001 brought one strikingly beautiful, partially sighted camper to Beacon Lodge. Though she smoked routinely, most of the other guys were drawn to her too. Thus, competition was fierce for this one. Plus, she had a boyfriend at home, and she was very religious besides. So, there would be no sneaking off in the dead of night with this one. In spite of all that though, I wrote her a few times. But she either did not respond at all, or what she did communicate was terse, and lacked any passion.
- Then, there was Lisa Davidson at the winter retreat in 2002. However, she also had a boyfriend. So we ended up not really getting together until the spring of 2004. When we did, I found that she was a smoker as well, and actually rather needy. She carried much baggage that I was ill-equipped to handle.
- Next, came counselor [Kandi] in 2003, who rejected me flatly a couple years later, when I asked to rub her feet, even though she had previously allowed [Jack] to do it. This crushed my ego, needless to say.
- However, the one very good relationship that camp made possible, was (and still is) that with [Emmy]. I met her in 2003 and we built a friendship that nearly seven years later, has grown into the deepest, most abiding one I’ve ever experienced with either a male or female. Though [Emmy] and I are not romantically involved at this point, I suspect that if not for her coming to camp the past seven summers, I’d have stopped going myself much sooner.
- From 2004 through 2007, I met no other intriguing women there.
- In 2008, of all the female campers and counselors, just one 18 year-old, [Prism], had me fantasizing over stealing away with her up to the a-frames or the Braille trail. Towering over me at 6′ tall, she piqued my curiosity the very first time I saw her, in spite of her “pleasantly plump” figure. Now usually, heavier girls do not interest me. But this one did. Unfortunately, she was notably aloof and seemed like she really didn’t want to be working there. She shunned small talk.
- Surprisingly therefore, in 2009, [Prism] was back, and for the first two thirds of the session, she acted precisely as she had the year before: overly custodial, like she was taking care of unruly pets rather than adult campers. She scolded a lot as well, in this condescending, belittling tone, like a gruff old teacher. But she softened over the last several days, toward me at least, presumably because she realized that I was (at least) her intellectual equal. But she has not written me, though I put my contact info right into her hand as I departed on the last day. I’ll write more about this encounter later.
Thus, as I hope is obvious, camp accomplished some of what I hoped it would. But back in 1995, I guess I desired more. I would have liked meeting four or five girls like [Emmy] over the fifteen years I’ve been going, instead of just the one.
Perhaps it’s unfair to expect camp to provide endless streams of fresh romances. But I suppose that it’s no less fair than the hunter, hoping that the forests he visits have lots of the sorts of prey that he wishes to bag. If they don’t, then he does not hunt them. As the saying goes: If you want to hunt elephants, then you go where the elephants are. But it appears that camp has become a depleted forest for me, and to continue the metaphor, camp has proven to be one place where the elephants are usually not. Indeed, I find way too few potential lovers there, to make going and enduring the tight quarters and inevitable weight gain worthwhile. So I must find more plentiful hunting grounds, I think.
Unfortunately I don’t stay attracted to most women for long. Indeed, my greatest thrills of passion generally occur in the first week or two of a new affair. But most of those in fact, lose that, the very first day. Afterwards, the lady and I either become great romance-less friends, as has happened with [Emmy] and I, or we eventually drift apart, quite likely, forever. However, this would be less of a concern at camp, if more eligible ladies came around.
Nevertheless, I’m fortunate that [Emmy], loving soul that she is, has chosen to grow our friendship, rather than abandon it. Even though I can offer her no exclusivity these days, over the years she’s made the “desolate” periods at camp much less lonely than had she not been around. When there are no ladies I desire at camp for romance, at least there’s [Emmy] there, for great friendship. Hanging with her makes those dry spells bearable. Again, without her to soften the disappointments of finding no eligible women upon my arrival at camp, I’d have stopped attending camp long ago.
At camp for me, with so few interesting ladies attending, it has sometimes occurred that I’d meet someone on the first day (in fact, the only lady at that session that catches my eye at all), only to discover that she’s lost her charm on the second day. Then, for the rest of the time, I have no one else to check out, to admire from afar, to admire from a little closer, and then finally, to pursue into the woods on some sultry evening, for an hour or two of passionate kissing. Indeed, by the time the woman I desire feels comfortable enough to indulge me, I’ve done lost the passion. Then, there’s no one else to chase.
I consider myself lucky though, even when all I find is this abbreviated attraction, because usually, no one there interests me; not even on the first day. So it’s sadly disappointing on the second day when I think that I’ve found a wonderful sweetie to enjoy for the rest of the session, only to learn that I’ve lost the fire. Thus, romantically speaking, I’m usually quite bored at camp, from day two on. But if greater numbers of attractive ladies came, I think I’d have a better chance at making a great love connection, and better enjoying all of the time in the session. Sadly though, these women seem to largely steer clear of camp.
Somehow, I must secure a steady stream of new women, and work that wellspring until I find one in the bunch who captures my heart, in a relatively permanent way. I do want lasting love, though some might think that all I really wish to do is spread my desire around. At camp, however, it’s typical that I only see one or two ladies a year that I’d want to approach. In most sessions, I find none. Thus, I may need to find richer hunting grounds.
“Rule ‘em in, and rule ‘em out.” That’s what one therapist in the mid 1990s said when I discussed this with him. “You rule in the ones you like, you keep them in as long as you like them, and then you rule them out soon after the relating to them stops feeling nice, and right.” Now I certainly believe that I’m capable of enjoying a romantic relationship, for years at a time. In fact, ultimately, this is what I desire; a lasting love relationship with one, very special lady. But I’ve just had a lengthy run of bad luck when it comes to picking the lastingly beautiful women. I’ve been hard pressed to find ones that like me enough to date me in the first place, and even on the infrequent occasions when some like that do appear, they do not hold my interest for more than a few short weeks. Unfortunately, camp has not supplied enough of these longer-running types of romantic encounters and liaisons. The cold truth is: Very few female campers (with the exception of [Emmy] and one or two others over the years, have been appealing to me. Outside of people like [Emmy] there’s been no camper for whom I felt any electricity. I so wish that [Emmy] and I could have found ways to keep the romantic fires burning for longer than just the first few months we knew each other.
Yes, it just might be time to try something else, besides camp. But what? Stand by.
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Tom Hesley
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-09
January 10th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-08
January 9th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
Tom
Quest Revisions: 2010-01-07
January 8th, 2010Today, I either added or modified the following posts in the Tom’s Love Quest blog for improved brevity, clarity, categorization, appearance, and search-ability:
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Tom
